Not the reaction I expected

Shrmoss01 · August 2015

So we are a pretty close family with my husbands side. We see our family at least twice a week and all of the men work the family business together. I have basically been avoiding everyone because I knew they would figure out we were expecting. Some of the women started to think we were upset with them so me and the hubby decided to have a surprise dinner at a place we like to eat. My MIL already knew so she did the invites so no one would figure it out before. I didn't get Traces shirt in on time so I had to make one but on the back it said " because I'm a big brother".

Well we get to dinner and my husbands grandmother takes our son and everyone sees the shirt... COMPLETE SILENCE! She congratulates us and is excited but everyone else just stares at us. My SIL who I am extremely close with looks at us and says "oh, so this is why we are here".... I'm sorry wtf? We are the only two with kids. Her and her husband have been "not trying but whatever happens happens" for another child. My feelings are so hurt though. I don't think we stepped on anyone's toes and I know my son is only 11 months old but I just don't understand the lack of excitement... And the more I think about it the more pissed off I get... Am I being completely petty or is it totally effed up.... Out of 17 people we got one congrats and spent the entire dinner talking about EVERYTHING but baby... I really don't want to be upset but I honestly don't know how I'm going to get over it... I'm just so irritated with the entire situation.

RoseShadow873 · August 2015

That sounds weird and awkward. I would probably be pissed too. People I don't even like congratulated me.

Shrmoss01 · August 2015

Oh it was so awkward... My hands were shaking almost the entire time because I just didn't know what to do. Like a nervous/angry/might burst out in tears.. It was just not what I expected at all : (

mrslottiemartin · August 2015

I'm with you! We are on baby no3 now but with our second, we told my husbands family and they said nothing .. The baby was barely mentioned by them again until he was born! I think it's because we moved a bit further away from them and they were annoyed they wouldn't see our son as often as they did our daughter.. But still?! I was devastated and spent the whole pregnancy pissed with them. This time around I have no intention of telling them until we've had the scan. My friends and family will know before they do!!

PeggyOlsonFTW · August 2015

Maybe your SIL was just in shock. If she's not trying not preventing, that kind of surprise could have been a lot for her to handle face to face. Give it time.

worldsokayestmom · August 2015

Your SIL might be trying a little harder than is letting on. She was probably shocked. Also, it's probably not as big of a deal to everyone else as it is to you. Yes they are family, but the excitement of the first is probably not the same as the second. And they might have already suspected any way?

MrsCayEye · August 2015

Sorry the reactions fell flat for you. This is our second too, and while our families were happy they weren't really surprised or overly interested in anything other than a due date. And keep in mind, your SIL may be doing more than NTNP and it might have been hard news for her in that case. I'm sure the excitement will increase as time goes on.

wlcromer · August 2015

Wow!! I would have been pissed too!!!! But that's basically the reaction I have gotten both times with our pregnancies... So I'm sort of dreading announcing this one because we have been trying for so long... not to mention I am EXTREMELY hormonal with this one. Ha. Thank God we can talk to each other about this stuff!!

stephstokes · August 2015

I can relate trust me. You're not alone. I come from a family where the glass is not even half empty... It's just EMPTY. Now before I go off I will say that I DO LOVE THEM. I don't believe they mean to come across as selfish or careless as they do... But, being pregnant a total now of 6 times in the last 11 years I am choosing not to say a word to anyone in my family. Story in short: I had my daughter 10 years ago shortly after I turned 20. Everyone had their opinions and told me I wouldn't be able to handle becoming a mother etc. Fast forward to pregnancy number 2 summer '08 I share the news with my husband first then my mom... She looks at our early US pic and says, "I wouldn't get to excited just yet you're very early!!" Pregnancy #3: April 2014... Shared the news of my boyfriend of two years and I expecting our first. No excitement from his family or mine. In fact when we saw my mother one day SO asked my mom, "aren't you excited!?!?" (He was 36 at the time and this was going to be his first). Her response, " Why would I be?!?" She didn't think he spent enough time with my two children from previous relationship. That's her opinion. I know how he is with them and deep down my mother knows to. 3 weeks later found out we were MC. Pregnancy #4: did not tell a soul since we got a lot of criticism and negativity we agreed to share it after the 12 week mark... Well, that mark never arrived. We lost our second pregnancy at 9.5 weeks in April 2015. Fast forward to our current pregnancy... My mother snooped through my phone and saw some texts to my SO about the baby and asked me about it a couple minutes after finding out. No congrats. No I hope it works this time. Just more hatefulness really. I finally just said I have had enough. I'm a great mother to my DD and DS with my very absent ex husband and if I could do at 20 I most certainly can have, take care of and raise a baby at 30. I will never forget what my family and SO's has said or the way their actions or lack of rather have lead me to feel but, I will move forward ... With or without them. I am sick of the insensitivity and hurtful comments. The golden rule: if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all!

momofmanyinthemitten · August 2015

I told my mom that we were expecting #4 and she said that I should get on birth control. Thanks, mom. We want at least 4 kids and she knows that, but she also recognizes that I have a lot on my plate right now, and a baby will just add to it.

strat330 · August 2015

Some families don't get excited unless it's the first grandkid, I guess! Both our parents were thrilled the first time, bought tons of stuff for the baby before he was born, etc. The second time we were living far away so it was harder, but they at least were still a little excited. This time with #3 my sil said "Again?!"
Your sil may definitely be trying harder than she's let on to get pregnant so it may have been shocking and a little hurtful for her. Maybe other family members know that and we're trying to be subdued for her sake?

kimey1 · August 2015

@Shrmoss01 i'm so sorry about their reaction. You are right- they should have at least expressed their congrats for you, then sobbed or been depressed at home, like I did many times. You certainly deserve to be congratulated!!

From my experience, my colleagues or friends who say "not trying very hard but leaving to happen if it happens" may be saying that because nothing is happening. That means they may want a child but it's not happening, and that can be a protective way of saying what phase they are in without appearing sad or even depressed about it.

Another thing is, they may say that because they may have had a loss. Not many people i know, including myself, are ready to share that they had a miscarriage shortly after it happens. Some ppl dont ever share it so there's no knowing whether that happened. Meanwhile when they hear about other people getting pregnant, especially if they say how easy it took place, it can be difficult for them to express happiness. It's nothing against you, though, it can be tough. When I had just had a miscarriage and my colleague told me how they got pregnant with their then 1-year-old in just one try, i had to look away for a moment before I looked at her and smiled and laughed with her.

Hope this helps you understand why they may be acting that way.

emslade982 · August 2015

That stinks that they didn't seem excited. They could have just been a little surprised and may warm up later. That's how my parents were for a few weeks with my first. Then they were supportive, and once our little guy arrived, they adore him. Try not to let an initial lukewarm reaction dampen the joy. You are excited and so is your husband. The rest can choose to share in the joy if they'd like. I also agree with our posters that your SIL must feel pretty crappy about herself seeing you get pregnant again so quickly. I'm afraid to tell my BFF about my 2nd pregnancy bc she's been TTC for 3 years. It's hard. You can always share your excitement here. We will happily respond!

CCLow87 · August 2015

That's awful, I'm so sorry! My best friend had a similar reaction. My DH and I weren't married yet (we got married when I was 4.5-5 weeks (it was planned out way ahead of time to get married and we were trying...) and her response was "isn't that a little backward?". I think some people just don't know what to do sometimes. Regardless, I'm so sorry. We are all excited for you on here!!!!!!

RoseShadow873 · August 2015

I can understand people being less excited since it's her second kid, but it still seems polite to feign enthusiasm, especially since she was trying to make it an occasion. Most people seem to throw out "congrats" like it's nothing, way more than I do. I tend to not say "congrats" unless I really mean it. Perhaps this family is just really sincere too. Or maybe you are such a close family they figured congratulations went without saying and that since they were there it was enough? Who really know what is going through people's heads.

Ready4theParty · August 2015

I am not surprised with your SIL reaction. We've gotten a ton of pressure to have kids. When we were ttc #1 we told people we were "letting god decide" when we got pregnant. It was very painful to hear from friends that they were pregnant.

TKaiser91 · August 2015

I agree with PP. When DH and I were ttc #1 we always said NTNP because it was easier for me emotionally to say that then say yeah we're trying and it's not happening. It took us a year and a half and every time someone I knew got pregnant it was always upsetting to me. I always smiled and said congrats and would talk about with them because I would be super excited for me, but after I left I would always cry and get a little depressed. I'm thinking your SIL may be doing the same thing but for her it was harder to put on a smile and talk about it. As for the rest of your family and their reactions IDK. My family was kind of like that, with a subdued reaction compared to the first time around but they still said congrats and gave me a hug. Just remember that you and your DH are excited and that's all that matters!

Achieverjo · August 2015

I had a similar experience, and it's good to not be alone in feeling pissed off.

My parents are thrilled that I'm pregnant. My dad texted me that my mom looks like the Cheshire Cat she's so happy!!!

My boyfriend's family on the other hand seems really put off by the whole situation. Maybe it's because we're not married, but honestly it's 2015, I'm 32, and he's 38. This was a planned event for us, because of our ages and neither of us really wants a traditional marriage.

Anyways, we surprised them over the weekend and though they congratulated us, the tension and disappointment was thick. The day after we told them over cute pink and blue cupcakes and a onesie, we were hanging out when a couple of their friends showed up. My boyfriend broke the news and they were more excited than they were!! My BF's stepmother then felt compelled to make the comment "yeah, they really caught us off guard," in a tone that sounded so negative.

It feels messy and complicated when it should be joyful. I wish they could swallow their bad attitudes at least for a time we're together.

But whatever, if they want to act like that, they can do so with our limited appearances in their lives. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Shrmoss01 · August 2015

Thanks guys!! I really appreciate the other points of view..maybe yall are right about my SIL...it was just so blah. I didn't really include back story but they have cried with us over losses. And for my son to have made it here was a miracle in itself... I guess me and the hubby just know the struggle. But like he said, and God love his positive attitude (even though with my hormones it occasionally irks me lol), but we are a happy family of 4 now and are able to experience things that we never thought we would. I don't need anyone else's approval or their excitement to make mine anymore real... And he's right.always right lol...I'm thinking I'm going to call my SIL in a few days and talk to her maybe that will smooth things over for me? Who knows. Thank you again for the stories, I'm glad but sad some of you ladies got the same reaction..I'm truly excited for all you wonderful ladies to bring little humans into the world : )

qtbooty183 · August 2015

My family is very excited and supportive of our first but his family not so much his dad is the only one who has congratulated use his sister is pregnant also and getting ready for her baby shower and won't even invite me and his mom I don't think she has liked me since we moved in together and we're not married and now having a baby we are just lucky that my family is picking up there slack my mom is over the moon excited and can't wait to find out what we're having so she can start buying lol

soapmomma · August 2015

We had a similar reaction. It is the first baby on both sides and the grandparents are excited. The aunts and uncles, not so much. I'm in my upper/mid 20's and married for a while, but a baby is apparently a rediculous surprise?

I was upset about it at first but I came to the conclusion that a baby was my husband's and my decision. It is silly for people to not be excited for you...I mean, did they expect you to ask their permission to get pregnant?

I expect that things will get better with time. Perhaps your SIL is jealous? Even if it is only of the attention that a dinner was specifically organized for your family on such a joyous occasion.

Shrmoss01 · August 2015

Update---well I knew they were a bipolar bunch but not this bad. My SIL called this morning about a baby shower? lol…I was a little blown away. She went on and on about how she knows your not supposed to do it but she and everyone else want to do another one if we have a girl…so I guess they are now on board. Ugh…just going to take it as it is I guess!

kcbarbo78 · August 2015

Happy to hear that at least your SIL is coming around. Your initial story actually made me a little sad. I don't like being the center of attention and didn't want to make an elaborate announcement or turn it into an event, so I told my own mother and sister by text message (they were my support system through IVF, so it felt organic just to keep them posted with an "oh, by the way, I got my beta test this morning, and they just called to say that I'm pregnant ... So far so good" text before I hurried off to a work meeting), and I insisted my my DH tell my in-laws by himself while I was at work. The rest of my extended family can hear the news from my mother after the first trimester, or by word of mouth. (I'm not trying to be a jerk - I'm just not close with my extended family and really like to keep to myself and away from their gossipy intrigues and dramas; it's a matriarchy of very ill-tempered, often vicious women). My SIL, however, made a big announcement about her pregnancy during a family dinner, and while I felt secretly sad because I was struggling through infertility, I got over myself, rallied and gave her a hug, congratulated her and did my best to be and seem excited for what was one of the happiest and most important moments of her life. My BIL has several nieces and nephews, so theirs was my no means the first grandchild, but even still his family seemed overjoyed. Every baby is a "big deal," even if it's not the first. Some of these stories are really sad, and I have no idea why people would behave in such a manner. Good luck to all of you ladies with your pregnancies, and congratulations!

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