Work versus infertility.

WhiskyandWhiskers · August 2015

Greetings,

I have an issue. I'm a nurse, and when I call off it creates a huge hardship for my fellow nurses. They have to pick up more patients, and the night goes shittier for them. I've been there, and I totally get it. This cycle, I've done IUI with femara and gonal f. I work night shift, and am told my IUI, based on three mature follies, should occur on Saturday. I work Friday night too. If I work Friday, I leave for a procedure (weekend procedures) two hours away (round trip plus IUI 6-7 hours). I can't do the Saturday night shift, or I'll make a horrible mistake or fall asleep. Neither is helpful to myself, or my patients.

My problem is, my family seems to believe that I can do it all. It feels like shit. Apparently I don't have to sleep. And makes me sick some say cancel the IUI because of work. I personally, find that insane, after over $2,000 has been spent, and daily injections.

Infertility sucks. I wish everyone knew (my family) an ounce of what I've been through. It's not the worst thing in life to go through, but I don't relish it. To imply work is more important that following through with planned cycles makes me sad.

Am I in the minority? Or do people try to plan their stims around plans/work?

*Edited because of coherent thoughts

WhiskyandWhiskers · August 2015

I should also add, that some employer's don't act as kindly to infertility services. Has anyone encountered issues with infertility and their employer?

KidShrink · August 2015

Welcome, and sorry you have to join us here! I personally think you need to establish what your priorities are. If it's the fertility treatments (which is what it seems), then do whatever you need to do to make it work. People might not be happy, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm now self employed, so apart from rescheduling appointments (which I only had to push one on the day of my IUI, I'm lucky my RE is close and does early mornings for everything else like US and bloodwork), I haven't had to reschedule much. But I've had to take time off for surgeries, one of which happened when I was still an employee. People don't need to know the details if they don't understand. I've told clients that I just needed a medical procedure done or I have to be absent for medical reasons. All expressed their concerns and gave me their best wishes, and didn't ask what was wrong. Not sure where you live, but here in Canada an employer is not allowed to discriminate against you for being a woman or because you have a medical issue as you could sue them for firing you if that happened. I'm sorry your family and work situation is adding more stress to an already stressful situation....best of luck to you!

beckihall · August 2015

I went through a similar issue. #1 family is ALWAYS more important than work. We're not putting ourselves through all this physical and emotionally draining stuff to let work get in the way of our dreams of becoming mothers. No one would ask a woman in labor to go to work, nor should they expect you to going through this. #2 if work isn't being understanding and trying to accommodate your infertility treatment schedule, march right into your HR office and talk to them.

Don't try to be super woman! You need to be as relaxed as possible. Know when you need a break and don't feel bad for taking it. Happy mom, happy baby. Good luck!

laur2835 · August 2015

I'm a pharmacist and I'm dealing with the same issues as you. My work is being super difficult. I work in a grocery store pharmacy that is open 8-8, so when I'm scheduled to work it's a full 12 hour shift. My RE has bloodwork at 7:15 in the morning, but is about 35 minutes from my work, and add that to the fact that I'm usually at the RE for an hour. So obviously being at work at 8am is not possible, and legally the pharmacy can't open without me if I'm scheduled. My boss had me apply for FMLA, but makes me figure out a backup plan myself with coverage for each day I am supposed to work incase I need to be at the RE. So basically I had to explain to other pharmacists from other stores why I was asking them if they could potentially cover me for 2 hours in The morning if need be. It's so incredibly frustrating and exhausting. Like this process isn't hard enough without work making it even more impossible and draining. My husband was furious that we were basically forced to air our issue to everyone in the company, while our families still are in the dark. Don't know what other way we could handle the situation without making it a huge HR issue which I feel like would end up hurting me in then long run.

MKLEWIS2010 · August 2015

I know exactly how you ladies feel, your family should not tell you to pick work over your fertility treatments, yes work is important but I believe family is more important. I told my boss that I had a medical condition and would have to go to the doctor often. I am lucky enough to have a flexible work schedule so that is good. This process is stressful enough adding balancing work makes it much more difficult. You could tell your coworkers that you have a medical condition and you will need some flexibility, you do not have to tell them what the condition is. This way they may be more willing to help out and be kinder to you. Good luck!

jnissa · August 2015

Most important thing in this conversation: stress and fatigue are not helpful to a successful cycle.

Straight up - your work co-workers may be inconvenienced and that's unfortunate. But at the end of the day, none of those people are your family who will be there for you forever. It's just work. It's just colleagues. There's a difference between being considerate and sacrificing real dreams and life goals just to make life easier for some people.

This is a no brainer. Take the time off.

MelenaZ · August 2015

Take the time off. I am a nurse also and was in a similar situation. I ended up talking to my director and letting her know my situation and that she would need to be flexible with my schedule for a few weeks or that I would go on disability. We are already short staffed so instead of loosing me completely for those weeks she is working with me. I also confided in my close employees because I felt bad that they would be overworked. They totally supported me and I don't feel as bad.
During this process you need to put yourself in the least stressful environment. And if work is gonna stress you out you need to really consider taking the time off.

HBamama2B · August 2015

Sorry everyone, but I have to disagree (Not with missing if you have to) and say it's not a simple issue of choosing priorities. Yes, clearly any couple nuts enough to go through this desperately want to parent and build their family so it's not a question of priorities as much as realities.

First, a work from home nursing gig would be extremely limited right? So let's look at the realities. For instance, I LOVE my job and want to be at work. I also happen to make more and have better insurance than my DH due to my academic success, negotiating skills and most importantly, my near to advanced maternal age... Lol.

But I definitely second what was said above--it is not ok to be outed at work while keeping families and friends in the dark during what is an intensely private and often painful experience. Also--yes it is illegal, but knowing an employee is even trying to get pregnant can create disadvantages for the employee.

All of the suggestions above are great, but for each unique situation and personality. My suggestion--demand better. Make the RE work with you as much as possible. Explain your situation and that you are a caregiver. Can the bloodwork or monitoring be done at a closer lab? While there are some realities with your cycle that you won't be able to escape such as a sleepless night or your DH driving while you sleep, there are things you can and should be asking for to make this work for you.

Would you buy a car and let the dealership decide the year make model color and features? Go ahead and ask and see what they can offer in terms of solutions. And don't stress too much about stressing. There is no stress free path through this experience, but we will conceive regardless. GL on your journey and I hope it works quickly for you and with the least possible disruption!

smdrodgers · August 2015

This is tough! I can definitely appreciate how much you calling out would cause a hardship on the other nurses, and the guilt you have by doing it, that being said, calling out for the IUI is completely acceptable. I am thankfully able to go into the lab early (7am) for bloodwork and US, but anything else, I would have to call out, or say I have a last minute doctors apt. Since your IUI is on Saturday, definitely call out, but for future ones would it be possible for you to trade days with another nurse?

Drove2u · August 2015

I guess I'm really lucky. My employer is being very supportive and said just do what you need to do. Since I work in nyc which is a very long commute from where I live I get to work from home whenever I have a blood test or iui. I think employers should be understanding. Work is not life although most of us do need to work.

riveridgional · August 2015

Infertility is a disability, so your employer must provide reasonable accommodations, assuming they are covered under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act), which most are. To know they need to accommodate you, they must be told about your infertility.

2legbaby · August 2015

The fact that you are worried about leaving your co-workers in a pickle says that you are a good person:) I am a veterinarian and work at a 24 hour facility, when our techs call out for far less admirable reasons it really affects everyone....that being said...I will relay some advice for you that our "pre-IVF" counselor told me: "be selfish". That's it, during this time you need to be selfish, for people like ourselves in the medical field because we are compassionate and love taking care of others, this can be hard, I know.

For my employers, I told them that I am undergoing some "health issues" and that due to this I needed to change my schedule and will have frequent appointments and at some point will have to take a day off with <48 hours notice...thankfully they have been very supportive, but even if not, I would do what is needed to get the family I want AND take care of myself at the same time:) being selfish:)

Any way you can talk to a co-worker that could fill in for you in times like this? someone who works a different shift? I know nurses are short everywhere

Wishing you the best!

PCOSat25 · August 2015

lovelifewife · August 2015

This is hard- I've also warned my employer that due to some medical issues, I may have some "time sensitive" appointments coming up and that I appreciate the understanding and will try my best to cover any shifts I cannot cover by finding some others to work it. I'm also in medical field and I feel ya on worrying about burdening the team. Go easy on yourself and just do what you can do- you can't be in 2 places at once, or expected to be super human!

nprl · August 2015

I work in the allied medical field. Things have worked well for me till now. I live in a small town and the clinic is close from home and closer to work. My clinic has early appointments for patients who are cycling, which has been convenient. My boss has been understanding and has told me to exercise my judgement for taking time off. Infertility has come in the way of my career planning. I don't want to change jobs because I am not sure how the work environment would be and of course I might have to change doctors and stuff. My two cents - when we take up a job it is for a living, even if we are passionate about it. If we are not living the life we want then we have to ask ourselves if the job is worth it. We spend more than a third of our day there. So it better aid our life be not stifle it. It is a hard journey to work through infertility but I am sure we would regret not giving ourselves the chance. If you feel guilty about taking time off that just goes to show that you are a good human being who cares for others. But remember this is life and if others don't understand it is on them.

khochanadel · August 2015

As a woman in technology, it was hard for me to be straight up with my male boss and all-male team, but luckily most of them didn't ask questions. My boss did ask me "Are all these appointments going to be [during a time when we have important planning meetings]?" which is also one of the few day/times the RE's office location closest to me is open.

I feel for you. Just remind your cohorts that it's only temporary and offer to return the favor when you're in a position to do so. You're not right now.

P.S. I got OHSS during my stim cycle and had to spend a couple days out because I was so nauseous and in so much pain. The only reason I didn't come back to a ton of questions was because another guy on my team was hospitalized for chest pains.

plumeria05 · August 2015

This is always tough. IVF is hard alone but going through it while holding down a full time job just takes it to the limit. My boss didn't like it when I was coming in late because I needed to do ultrasounds during the first days of menses. Anyway, after 3 months of unsuccessful IUIs and the constant stress from my boss and coworkers, I up and quit. My coworkers (surprisingly they were all women) started making comments about me coming in late a lot and would just stop talking to me. I couldn't tell them the real reason. I just told them I was going through something medical. Someone was always pregnant in the office so it was hard. Fortunately, I am able to stay at home during this journey but I completely understand the guilt from co workers and feeling bad for not being at work. It sucks and I hope you all the best.

Joyzie77 · August 2015

I have my egg retrieval this week and am not sure what to tell work. It's so hard when you have to go last minute.

WhiskyandWhiskers · August 2015

Hello everyone! I appreciate all of the comments on this thread, makes me feel more in my right mind. I didn't respond earlier because I've been on the road- I worked the 21st (nights). I woke up that morning (first night shift in three days), put makeup on, went to work for 13+ hours, came home the morning of the 22nd, hopped in the car with my husband, drove two hours to the weekend RE (normally mine is very close, but only during the weekdays). Sample delivered, took over an hour to process, then IUI by a male Dr. i've never met (not crucial, just weird and awkward). After drove to get something to eat them home. I napped when I got home, and now here I am the 23rd AM in the same damn makeup, with little sleep.

I agree, in the health field we should demand better. But with patient census and staffing there isn't much of a choice. In addition, i've gotten terse with my local RE about scheduling times that just don't work for me as a night shift nurse, and it's met with hostility. My only hope is that this all ends soon with a healthy pregnancy, and I can move on.

MKLEWIS2010 · August 2015

I hope this cycle works for you my fingers are crossed. Get some well deserved rest!

Angelde14 · August 2015

IUI over work. Honestly this is YOUR time. Work is work and it'll always be there. And for the other nurses picking up your slack, guess what, one day it'll be them choosing personal life over work, and you will be there to pick up their slack. So its ok. I know you feel guilty but take care of your self first. I know how you feel about work. I feel guilty too sometimes (I work in a small prek so when someone calls out, it throws everyone off) but sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of others. It's ok. Good luck!

jnissa · August 2015

Honestly, I have to say that unrelated to everything else, I found this whole thread to be *really American.* (Full disclosure, I'm American but married to a European and have lived all over the world). Pretty much nowhere else in the world would anybody even be having a discussion as to whether they should prioritize job responsibilities over starting a family and real life fulfillment. I get why so many women said it's not as simple as just setting priorities, but it still just seems like a mindset you wouldn't find many other places! I mean, not surprised given that we're in the land of the 4 week maternity leave, but still

I have my FX crossed for you as well!

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