Sadness and guilt

jmdj615 · August 2015

I found out last night that I am having another little boy. This is our second and last baby- I was really hoping for a girl. I have wanted a daughter my whole life. I am 40 years old and my husband and I have agreed that we won't have anymore kids. Ever since I found out we are having a boy, I have been really depressed. I couldn't sleep last night because I am so sad. And on top of being sad, I feel extreme guilt for being so disappointed. I know I will love my second son just as I love my first son so so soooo much. But I feel awful knowing that I will never have my baby girl.

Can anyone else relate?

eileenmcgoo · August 2015

Try not to feel guilty; what you're feeling is normal.

On the bright side, your boys now have best buddies built in. It's great to have two of the same gender! As time goes by, you'll get used to the idea and will feel better. Just give it time.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Thank you so much for your reply. I can't stop crying. I know you are right, I hope that soon, I can accept it and feel joy.

tiffany&brian7 · August 2015

I completely understand how you feel, and I don't think it's so much that your upset that it's another boy, more so that your grieving the loss of a daughter you never had. It's completely normal and everything will work out and your second son will be just as loved as your first.

RosyK · August 2015

I've totally been there. When we found out our third (and possibly last) was another girl (third girl) I was crushed. I couldn't help it. After she was born, I ended up bonding faster/better with her than either of my other two. It was amazing. I kicked myself for ever being upset.

I know that many people will say things like "you had a 50/50 shot, what did you expect" and "how can you be upset about a child". People can't help the way they feel.

Try to think of why two boys is better than one if each! Same interests, they'll share clothes, grow up being best buddies etc.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Thank you! Your reply means a lot. I am hoping that once I accept it, I can focus on the good. Right now, I am struggling. But I only found out less than 24 hours ago. Maybe I will feel better in a few days. I hope.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Exactly! My husband said, "Wow. You really don't like boys." And that is so not true. I love boys and I love my son so much. I was hoping he was a girl too but now that I have him, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I am just sad for the girl that I'll never have. I will love my boys so much. I am just struggling right now... I feel so heartbroken. And I have lost interest in my pregnancy now- It is terrible. and I feel terrible.

lightrox · August 2015

I remember feeling a bit like this with my second son. I figured I was done with two and that I was never have a little girl but I love having two boys they are best friends and are a riot together. Give yourself time but once you see the brotherly love it's amazing. Now I'm pregnant with the third and I really have no feelings of whether I want a boy or a girl. I'd like a girl but I would be just as happy with another boy and knowing that the boys get another brother. I don't feel the same as I did last time probably because I grieved the loss of the child I thought I never would have. Just take your time, what you are feeling is normal.

ecwk · August 2015

I really do feel like you knew you had a 50/50 shot so you should really have tried to prepare yourself for this outcome. I understand that you are in a way mourning the daughter that you won't have but I find it very hard to empathise. I understand people being a bit disappointed but you say you're depressed and can't sleep? I do think you should speak to your doctor about that, it seems extreme.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Thanks for your input. In fairness, it has only been one night that I couldn't sleep. I am hoping that once it sinks in, I will come to terms with never having my baby girl. But if it doesn't get better in a few days, I will take your advice and talk to my doctor.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Thank you. I know that the brotherly bond can be great. Although, my husband and his brother are close in age and are not close at all. I hope my boys are best buddies as a few people have suggested. I am hoping that I am not sad throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I know once my baby is born, I won't feel this way. Thanks again.

ecwk · August 2015

jmdj615 said:
Thanks for your input. In fairness, it has only been one night that I couldn't sleep. I am hoping that once it sinks in, I will come to terms with never having my baby girl. But if it doesn't get better in a few days, I will take your advice and talk to my doctor.

I hope you feel better soon

jstanton0822 · August 2015

One day, God will bless you with two lovely daughter-in-laws and you'll get to buy pink stuff for Christmas and invite them out for girls days. And it'll be such a blessing because you got to watch your two amazing boys grow up together and fall in love.

You won't be able to imagine it ever being any other way.

FutureMrsCaesar · August 2015

Definitely give yourself time! I was in your position a couple years ago when we found out our 3rd (and supposed to be last) baby was our 3rd boy. Hey I might even be in your position again in a couple months. Anyway, it's natural to be disappointed. After time and reflection I came to this conclusion: I wasn't sad that he was a boy, I was sad that I would never have a girl. Because when it comes down to it I wouldn't trade ANY of my boys for a girl, but that doesn't mean that I don't get sad about missing out on girl, mother/daughter times.

Like another poster have said, I have an amazing bond with him! Since he was my last I spent a ton of time holding him, cuddling him, and just really focusing on soaking it all in. But yes a part of me was still sad I would never have a daughter. As time goes on you will accept it more and more, and no matter what you will love your little boys to the moon and back and they will love you the same!

For now don't feel bad, let yourself grieve the fact that you won't have a daughter, cry, do whatever, I promise you won't be focusing on any of that the day you meet your beautiful new son!

Romano123 · August 2015

I know this is a place to share and after readi your thoughts, I'll give you mine.

I would kill to be pregnant with a boy or girl after losing my baby this weekend. I think you're out of your mind. Maybe my wound is too fresh.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Of course, my heart goes out to you. I don't blame you for thinking that I am out of my mind. I lost my first baby and it was devastating. I know in the big picture boy/girl doesn't matter. I am just feeling sad for the mother/daughter stuff I will miss out on like another poster said. But I also know that I am very lucky to have one healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy (so far) this time. I am so sorry for your loss.

Parker16772 · August 2015

I think that what you are feeling is totally normal. You are allowed to mourn the daughter you will never have. I have friends who have felt that way when they were pregnant with their last child. It doesn't mean that you will love your baby boy any less.

KQuinonez · August 2015

It is completely normal. I know some people don't think so but when you have this idea in your head of what you want your child to be it takes time to let go of that. I would say that while you are sad you are probably not depressed. Give it time and you will embrace another boy. It doesn't mean a part of your heart won't always wish for a girl or that you love you son and less.

Torpedogirl · August 2015

What you are feeling is normal and the people who say "you are out of your mind" or other negative things are just bitter and down right rude. Just because someone else had a loss doesn't make your feelings any less important. I felt this same way when I was told my third child was a third boy. Sadness and guilt but it's ok I got over it and so will you. I doubt there is a need to talk to your doctor unless you find yourself really not getting better at all. You have legitimate feelings and you are not horrible for feeling them! I am so sorry you feel this way now but others are right you are just mourning the loss of a daughter you won't have not having another beautiful son.

MrsPittman13 · August 2015

jstanton0822 said:
One day, God will bless you with two lovely daughter-in-laws and you'll get to buy pink stuff for Christmas and invite them out for girls days. And it'll be such a blessing because you got to watch your two amazing boys grow up together and fall in love.
You won't be able to imagine it ever being any other way.

I think this is a wonderful way to look at it!

Doxies4life · August 2015

One day at a time ma'am. For what is worth I am frightened to have a boy as we are a family of many girls. So I'm secretly hoping for a healthy girl. Will I feel negatively if I find out in having a boy? Who knows with my hormones bouncing around like they are. I hope you find some peace of mind soon.

pamalerjean · August 2015

I can totally understand your disappointment. I also have hopes for what sex this baby will be and know I will have a bit of disappointment if I have to adjust expectations. We are all very lucky to have babies on the way but that doesn't invalidate your feelings at all. You will be in love with him though!! May just take some time to get used to the idea.

jmdj615 · August 2015

Thank you. I was actually able to get some sleep last night and that has helped. I feel a little better. I am guessing that each day, I will get a little more over it. I am still sad about never having a girl but I am not sad about being pregnant with another boy.

Meghan1624 · August 2015

You are completely allowed to feel the way you are. You are grieving the loss of a dream you always pictured. It's frustrating when life doesn't go our "planned way" (or maybe that's just me being a control freak).

When it comes to emotions, you have to let them out, whether they are "right or wrong" you are feeling them and you need to be honest with yourself and let them out. Once you have some time, you will be able to focus on all the great things and be excited for your two little boys. But you have to grieve first. You'll be a wonderful momma to your boys, and you will now have three protective men watching over you.

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