no job. money problem?

samprishinko · August 2015

I dont work any more. Talked with hubby about when baby comes if he would help out with diapers and wipes and a few other things and he said isnt that ur job to provide for the baby. After convincing that I cant do it all on my owe since Im the only one paying grocerys, electricity, the wifi bill, and phone bill. Cuz he pays the rent. But I just stopped working how I'm i supposed to pay for all this and the baby. Shouldent he paying for the baby stuff to. It's his child to and after tearing down hurt. He said fine I will pay for the child stuff only but if u want something u find a way to pay for it and grocerys, electricity, WiFi bill and phone bill. He eats the food I buy and uses the internet, electricity. The most . How em I supposed to pay for all this if I don't have a job. Any one on the same boat as me? Or did I make the worst decision ever by having his child?

ElleMF728 · August 2015

You called him hubby so I'm assuming he is your husband? Do you really separate your bills and finances like that? Do you live together?

Its one thing for YH to tell you that you can't afford not to work but its completely different for him to assume that "his" money does not need to be used to take care of his child. He sounds like a controlling jerk, this is not normal behavior.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

samprishinko said:

I dont work any more. Talked with hubby about when baby comes if he would help out with diapers and wipes and a few other things and he said isnt that ur job to provide for the baby. After convincing that I cant do it all on my owe since Im the only one paying grocerys, electricity, the wifi bill, and phone bill. Cuz he pays the rent. But I just stopped working how I'm i supposed to pay for all this and the baby. Shouldent he paying for the baby stuff to. It's his child to and after tearing down hurt. He said fine I will pay for the child stuff only but if u want something u find a way to pay for it and grocerys, electricity, WiFi bill and phone bill. He eats the food I buy and uses the internet, electricity. The most . How em I supposed to pay for all this if I don't have a job. Any one on the same boat as me? Or did I make the worst decision ever by having his child?

I have a few thoughts/questions.

1) Why did you stop working?

2) Did you consult with him before entering into unemployment?

3) I understand that different people do things differently. But most married couples pool their money together, pay bills owed with said money, and then decide what to do with the money leftover. Did you make the same amount as he did?

4) If you're both going to be parents to this child, it's both your responsibility to provide for it. The baby won't care who buys diapers, wipes, formula, etc. Just that it's being done.

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about expectations. You guys aren't in the same book, let alone on the same page.

aleecats · August 2015

I'm sorry my first question is why are you still with him he sounds like an a$$!!! no it is not solely your job to provide for the child you BOTH of you conceived.
My only advice is to find family you can stay with until you get a job and can support yourself again, file for child support and custody and get away from him. No one deserves to feel like that or be talked to like that, and IMHO if he wants to split the costs he can by paying child support. Simple as that. I hope everything works out in the end!

Debberella · August 2015

You are married to him? And that's how he speaks to you? Wow!
That is so inappropriate. Combined income. Combined expenses. Of course he needs to pay.

yessirio · August 2015

Wow I have no words for this!... hope everything works well for u n ur baby...

heidi8992 · August 2015

Sorry long rant! Popping in from The August board.. 39w5d!!

First you did NOT make a mistake by having your child!! I am in the same boat. I had to take an early FMLA leave because my job was getting to hazardous and they wouldn't offer me light duty. I just turned 23 and my boyfriend is 34. We had just bought a house (everything's in MY name) we used almost all my money to put down on the house and he said he would start supporting me and taking care of my bills right away... That didn't happen. I completely cleared out my bank account to pay my bills besides $300 in my savings. (If I don't keep that in there you get fined) he just payed my credit card payment of $150 and my $200 truck payment for the first time this month.. Not only has he been holding it over my head for the last three months that it's "his" truck now and "his" belongs that I have ever bought on my card.. I can't stand it. It's degrading me and just the fact that I don't have any more for anything. He gets mad if I go to target and buy things like TP And paper towels because they are a luxury.. Told me baby shampoo was a gimic and I could use dawn dish soap and stop wasting his money. Everything is about money. I haven't bought anything for myself in months since I was cut down to 32 hours a week. He made 3x as much as I do and he lives paycheck to paycheck and I am the younger more responsible one who saved up 5000 and now it's all gone... He wants me to be a SAHM and whenever I talk about working he gets mad. But I am not letting a man hold money over my head and act like I owe him something.
Oh and I didn't get him a birthday present but I made him a nice card and cake because we didn't even have money for groceries.. But he told me how I ruined his birthday and I should have taken that $300 out of my savings and closed my account to get him something. My birthday was yesterday... I didn't even get a card or a cake... Because he didn't have time and I didn't get him anything...

dmbfan46835 · August 2015

As PP asked, why aren't you working? Are you on maternity leave and planning to go back once baby is here? If this is just a temporary situation and you are just trying to get by til you go back to work, he needs to work with you on all of this.

If you weren't working prior or don't plan to go back to work, then were the financial responsibilities and ramifications not considered when you got pregnant? Did you guys not have a conversation regarding how you would handle everything earlier in your pregnancy?

Before we started trying, We spoke about the financial aspects of having a child at great lengths to ensure that we could afford to provide all that our child would require from us and then some. While i agree that he should speak to you better and that things like bills are a joint responsibility, I can't help but think that there is something missing from the story if he is responding in such a way.

Also, diapers and the such are much more important than wifi and the phone bill so I'd be cutting both of those things off immediately.

chelseajeanene · August 2015

He needs to realize it's not your responsibility to provide for the baby, it's equally his responsibility too

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

heidi8992 said:

Sorry long rant! Popping in from The August board.. 39w5d!! First you did NOT make a mistake by having your child!! I am in the same boat. I had to take an early FMLA leave because my job was getting to hazardous and they wouldn't offer me light duty. I just turned 23 and my boyfriend is 34. We had just bought a house (everything's in MY name) we used almost all my money to put down on the house and he said he would start supporting me and taking care of my bills right away... That didn't happen. I completely cleared out my bank account to pay my bills besides $300 in my savings. (If I don't keep that in there you get fined) he just payed my credit card payment of $150 and my $200 truck payment for the first time this month.. Not only has he been holding it over my head for the last three months that it's "his" truck now and "his" belongs that I have ever bought on my card.. I can't stand it. It's degrading me and just the fact that I don't have any more for anything. He gets mad if I go to target and buy things like TP And paper towels because they are a luxury.. Told me baby shampoo was a gimic and I could use dawn dish soap and stop wasting his money. Everything is about money. I haven't bought anything for myself in months since I was cut down to 32 hours a week. He made 3x as much as I do and he lives paycheck to paycheck and I am the younger more responsible one who saved up 5000 and now it's all gone... He wants me to be a SAHM and whenever I talk about working he gets mad. But I am not letting a man hold money over my head and act like I owe him something. Oh and I didn't get him a birthday present but I made him a nice card and cake because we didn't even have money for groceries.. But he told me how I ruined his birthday and I should have taken that $300 out of my savings and closed my account to get him something. My birthday was yesterday... I didn't even get a card or a cake... Because he didn't have time and I didn't get him anything...

You have much bigger problems than not getting a card or cake for your birthday. You should be planning a way to leave this guy ASAP.

kanga915 · August 2015

OP based on how you write, am I correct to assume there may be a cultural difference here most of us might not understand? (It seems like maybe English is your second language?) There shouldn't be much in your lives that is "yours" and "mine," you are married. His attitude makes no sense.

pregat40 · August 2015

Ugh. Sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds like my first husband. Cheap. Selfish. Immature. I hope you guys can get on the same page otherwise I would run far away. Children only become more expensive as they grow....

beansideirae · August 2015

that is crazy to me, and I'm no model of a normal household! hubby and I tend to take turns working, and we do argue about who has to pay what. but we both understand that it is OUR household and the money has to come from somebody's pocket! my hubby feels guilty when he lets me pay for baby things, he feels like that's his responsibility. for your husband to say the baby is your responsibility is just crazy.

rachelkawesome · August 2015

If you are married, LEGALLY all the money you make and he makes is shared, no matter how you divide up the spending, unless you signed some sort of a pre-nup. I agree with PPs that you need to have a sit-down talk and figure out how both of you are going to work together on your finances!

samprishinko · August 2015

English is my first language, he gave me a choice between paying for all the house accessories bills or rent .. We do live together.. Before he wanted to have this child he said he was going to help me support but now that I'm 3 weeks away he feels like I could handle it on my own ... Everytime I want to talk to him about it, it always ends up to be my fault cuz I'm always doing something wrong in his eyes... Talking about birthdays mine was August 3 and he didn't even say happy birthday .. Which I don't care about but when its his birthday he always has a party. He makes $4380 a month, I don't see a problem with him paying for it.. The reason why I don't work is cuz I can't take maternity leave my job doesn't offer it.. It's just so hard to talk to him about anything. Wat em I doing wrong ????

heidi8992 · August 2015

Well happy birthday to you! I don't plan on tolerating this if he doesn't change his additude. I have a long life ahead of me than to sit around being his little house wife and being ridiculed for everything while he takes the "man" stance.

MusicEBA22 · August 2015

You're doing nothing wrong!! He's a controlling asshole. My husband and I keep our finances separate (he had an ex-wife who financially screwed him) and I make about half of what he does a month, but we spend the same amount on our household (hubby pays the mortgage and I pay the utilities and other various bills). Therefore, I have significantly less money to put towards "fun" and baby than he does. But he regularly asks if I need help paying for things, he always pays when we go out to eat and if he has to take my car or we take my car, he always fills up the gas tank for me. If you are in a position where you can't work, he should automatically KNOW and be okay with paying for EVERYTHING, since you obviously can't. I'm sorry, but he sounds like an absolute jackass. You two need to sit down and get on the same financial page (without you feeling badly about the situation) or you should re-evaluate your relationship in my opinion. He shouldn't be that selfish (with regards to yours and his birthdays) especially since you have a baby coming where all your time and thoughts will be on baby and not on him.

surprisepkg31 · August 2015

This man is not a good person. Period. He sounds like a total selfish, immature,.jerk! Like everything you are saying makes no sense to me. If he makes almost 5 grand a month and insists on you paying for more than you can afford/ knows you don't have a job/your carrying his child, he has to be a complete and total asshole! Is this your husband? Even if he isn't... this is not a stable convincing or promising situation. You need support emotionally and of course financially. If I were you I would run away, and save yourself from a world of hurt. You are doing nothing wrong. I hope you can find a place to feel loved and supported very soon.

JenLovesDesign · August 2015

I'm a little confused that you have any money to pay for anything if you're not working. Sure, you could have saved up, but your savings will get eaten up. However, you didn't seem too worried about the regular bills. Baby stuff could be considered groceries, but that's not going to help you in your situation is it? So the real question is how to get your husband to consider you less an equal household provider and more of someone who needs supported. I think the key is making yourself needy and to realize that you are giving up a little household power in the process. This isn't something I'm very good at either. My husband and I don't even have our money together, when I was poor a few year ago, he really stepped up though which was so helpful. I was just honest that I needed money for this or that, and said I didn't know what to do. I took each situation as it came, and tried not to surprise him with anything big. I made up for my neediness in other ways like taking care of the house, cooking all meals, packing his lunch etc. it's a change. I'll bet some other girls have some better advice on switching from an equal money provider to more of a traditional set-up.

Crook251 · August 2015

So sorry you have to put up with such behavior, but I've been there. Me personally, if it boils down to it and you have to take care of all the finical responsibilities on your own, I would leave. No need in carrying dead weight! As far as people questioning your job situation don't let it get to you! Not everyone is always able to get pregnant when it's most convent. None of my children were planned and my career has been a rollercoster with each pregnancy! My husband and I with the help of God have always been able to make a way without loosing it. Children are a gift from God and have purpose. This experience may be what you need to really open your eyes in your marriage! Best wishes to you!

PregNancyClark · August 2015

Oh honey... This is a bad situation. He needs a change of heart. Do you know any good men that could mentor him and wake him up to reality? Some men are not in a situation to support their families, or are just in relationships with women who love to work and enjoy their careers and want to be totally equal (which is great)- but regardless of the details, a decent person who is mentally healthy should DESIRE good things and security and happiness for his loved ones.
Several years ago my partner was acting this way at the advice of some very bad friends. It was a heartbreaking time. I felt completely abandoned. The only thing that got me through and changed him was an actual miracle. I can't imagine reliving that time in my life.... Pregnant.
My heart goes out to you and I'm praying for you. I can partially identify with how you feel. It is wrong. He is wrong. He's been taught wrong and his heart is wrong. I believe everyone can change... But it may take a miracle.

knowmeinadifferentlight · August 2015

I've been searching my brain for words of advice to you ladies, but all my brain keeps screaming is "WTF kind of men are these two?!" Since when is it a choice to provide or not for a baby, especially when the whole family is under one household? I just can't wrap my head around this. I know different couples have different methods of making things work, but the end result is making happen what needs to happen. Were both men always this money-strict/selfish, or perhaps this behaviour is newer because of stress? If they have always been this way, please reevaluate the home life you and your child will be in. Devise a way to make him see that baby isn't the same as a wifi bill statement and see if he starts to come around to having a better understanding once baby is here. I seriously wish you both and your babies the best.

tlc11934 · August 2015

I'm sorry you're in this situation, especially so close to your due date! DH and I also keep our finances separate and have an agreement of who pays for what bill. If I pay for more kids stuff (birthday parties, holiday gifts) he picks up other equal things (vacation, etc). Regular bills are split down the middle. I make the same, sometimes more than DH (his monthly income varies), but I carry the benefits so my net is lower. I don't hold this over him, we just work together to figure out a plan.

Do you have someone who can help you until you're back at work? FB groups are great because women offer free coupons, cheap clothes and such. Cloth diapering is a huge money saver! If you don't miss the cable tv, cut it for a few months until you're back on your feet.

Map out the cost of having a kid. I'll have to admit, DH and I don't have a "budget" and we never did this but I think it would be helpful for your H to see it's not feasible for you to solely provide for your kid plus the other expenses. What does "his" money go to? Frivolous items? Good luck to you!

Taekarate1978 · August 2015

heidi8992 said:
Sorry long rant! Popping in from The August board.. 39w5d!!

First you did NOT make a mistake by having your child!! I am in the same boat. I had to take an early FMLA leave because my job was getting to hazardous and they wouldn't offer me light duty. I just turned 23 and my boyfriend is 34. We had just bought a house (everything's in MY name) we used almost all my money to put down on the house and he said he would start supporting me and taking care of my bills right away... That didn't happen. I completely cleared out my bank account to pay my bills besides $300 in my savings. (If I don't keep that in there you get fined) he just payed my credit card payment of $150 and my $200 truck payment for the first time this month.. Not only has he been holding it over my head for the last three months that it's "his" truck now and "his" belongs that I have ever bought on my card.. I can't stand it. It's degrading me and just the fact that I don't have any more for anything. He gets mad if I go to target and buy things like TP And paper towels because they are a luxury.. Told me baby shampoo was a gimic and I could use dawn dish soap and stop wasting his money. Everything is about money. I haven't bought anything for myself in months since I was cut down to 32 hours a week. He made 3x as much as I do and he lives paycheck to paycheck and I am the younger more responsible one who saved up 5000 and now it's all gone... He wants me to be a SAHM and whenever I talk about working he gets mad. But I am not letting a man hold money over my head and act like I owe him something.
Oh and I didn't get him a birthday present but I made him a nice card and cake because we didn't even have money for groceries.. But he told me how I ruined his birthday and I should have taken that $300 out of my savings and closed my account to get him something. My birthday was yesterday... I didn't even get a card or a cake... Because he didn't have time and I didn't get him anything...

What a jackass! My first husband was like that and I kicked him to the curb while I was pregnant with our son. You can't raise a child to be a decent man in that kind of situation. My 2nd and last husband says my money is mine and his money belongs to both of us. He is such a good man and completely different from any man I have ever dated. I would be proud for my boys to turn out just like him and I can't wait to raise our daughter together. She is going to know how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

Knottie14663208 · August 2015

My husband is the same way the only difference is he left me almost 7 months into my pregnancy blamed everything on me. Now I'm due any day now and he's about to move in with his new girlfriend who doesn't want him to have anything to do with me, like I messed up their happy family when it was the other way around. The best thing I can tell you is to get out! If you have to ask/beg a man to take care of a child he equally created then he's not ready for fatherhood or the responsibilities that come along with it. Let him go find himself and you just have to step up and be a strong mother for your child, it gonna be hard but its not impossible.

shelbydd · August 2015

I know a few married couples that choose to keep some finances seperate (i.e. they both work and pool money together to cover bills and household expenses but keep 'spending money' seperate) that would never work in my relationship but I can respect that some couples choose to live that way. This, though, is straight up crazy. Does he realize how child support works? If you two weren't together he would be financially responsible for helping care for the baby, what makes him think that being together makes that different? This thread is seriously infuriating. I can't believe that there are men who think this way.

samprishinko · August 2015

I finally did it ..it was hard deciding but I'm so tried of all the stress, I left him today at 6:15pm. I'm kinda scared being a single parent but I think we will be ok. First day is going good so far 8) I don't no why but I feel like there's been this weight lifted of my shoulders. Have 2 more weeks before baby comes ...

mriandabusto · August 2015

Don't mean to sound pushy but make sure that you take him for child support, Noone should have to do it alone and based off how much he makes he can definitely afford to help you and the baby! Keep your head up, good luck to you and LO

Rachelsbaby · August 2015

Wow! This tread is blowing my mind. Reading what some mommies are saying about there good for nothing fathers to be make me reallllyy appreciate what I have. My thoughts are if they are not contributing to help financially with the baby what good are they for? Any man that uses a woman is no man at all in my opinion.

shorak · August 2015

So you say hubby so this guy is your husband then? I would think couples would share their finances and their bank accounts since if they are married they are one. If he is not your husband, well then that might be something you want to discuss with him- getting married. And if you are, then having joint checking accounts would solve this problem. My husband and I share accounts and so we both know that we are buying stuff for our baby whether it is money he made or money I made. Where the money comes should not be an issue.

joellenicole93 · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:

samprishinko said:

I dont work any more. Talked with hubby about when baby comes if he would help out with diapers and wipes and a few other things and he said isnt that ur job to provide for the baby. After convincing that I cant do it all on my owe since Im the only one paying grocerys, electricity, the wifi bill, and phone bill. Cuz he pays the rent. But I just stopped working how I'm i supposed to pay for all this and the baby. Shouldent he paying for the baby stuff to. It's his child to and after tearing down hurt. He said fine I will pay for the child stuff only but if u want something u find a way to pay for it and grocerys, electricity, WiFi bill and phone bill. He eats the food I buy and uses the internet, electricity. The most . How em I supposed to pay for all this if I don't have a job. Any one on the same boat as me? Or did I make the worst decision ever by having his child?

I have a few thoughts/questions.

1) Why did you stop working?

2) Did you consult with him before entering into unemployment?

3) I understand that different people do things differently. But most married couples pool their money together, pay bills owed with said money, and then decide what to do with the money leftover. Did you make the same amount as he did?

4) If you're both going to be parents to this child, it's both your responsibility to provide for it. The baby won't care who buys diapers, wipes, formula, etc. Just that it's being done.

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about expectations. You guys aren't in the same book, let alone on the same page.

She probably had to take maternity leave.

joellenicole93 · August 2015

He's your husband so that sounds a little odd. We're not even married and my fiancée isn't like that at all. I don't work haven't worked in almost a year due to a work injury and he still helps with every thing. I do what I can when I can but we're a team.

MommyandBryce · August 2015

samprishinko said:

I finally did it ..it was hard deciding but I'm so tried of all the stress, I left him today at 6:15pm. I'm kinda scared being a single parent but I think we will be ok. First day is going good so far 8) I don't no why but I feel like there's been this weight lifted of my shoulders. Have 2 more weeks before baby comes ...

I am a single parent too! I was raised by a single mom as well, and my brother and I have turned out fine. You did the right thing, you wouldn't want your child to grow up in a household that is not healthy. Keep your head up! Things ALWAYS get better!

Kmshott123 · August 2015

samprishinko said:
I finally did it ..it was hard deciding but I'm so tried of all the stress, I left him today at 6:15pm. I'm kinda scared being a single parent but I think we will be ok. First day is going good so far 8) I don't no why but I feel like there's been this weight lifted of my shoulders. Have 2 more weeks before baby comes ...

I hope everything works out for you hun

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