When will it sink in he's a father?

veraaaaa · August 2015

Can anyone shed some light? When did it sink in for your baby's father he's actually going to be a dad? Mines on and off with everything so far and hasn't been to my scans.

nram25 · August 2015

Soon as I told him I think he was more excited than I was. How far along are you? Did he not want a baby? I've heard others say that it took a while for theirs to come around. Maybe you should try communicating with him because every man reacts different to different situations. I'm sorry you have to go through that and hope he comes around.

Mizuiro007 · August 2015

Each person comes to it in their own time. For some father's they're excited right from the start, some once they feel the baby moving or see them on the scans, some once the baby is born and they're holding them, and for others it doesn't hit for a while after baby is born and they really bond.

My husband went back and forth with it a lot. He'd be utterly excited one moment and emotionally distant the next and anywhere in between. For the most part he came into it gradually but it really became more real once DS was home and I pushed him to have his own time with him. I'd stay back in the bedroom and rest so if he needed anything I was close by, and hubby would have DS in the living room. Not only did he come into being a father but I felt myself loving him more as I watched him grow.

All I can say is try to encourage him to be present and if he won't talk to you then maybe he'll talk to others. My hubby seemed to find it helpful taking to coworkers that were parents, coming back from maternity leave, or going through the same things we were with pregnancy.

I am sorry. I know it's frustrating. I felt like it held me back from being able to be as excited as I really felt as well as disappointed I couldn't share it with him the same ways I've heard other women talk about being able to have with their partners.

racheldelacruz · August 2015

Sorry he's being like that. Maybe he just has a hard way of showing it.

In the beginning my husband didn't say much but I think that's because he didn't want to seem too attached of the worst happened. He for sure wanted to be at the ultrasounds though to make sure all was okay. And he REALLY wanted to be at the anatomy scan to find out the gender.

He still isn't mr. Talkative about it but that's just him. Look for the little signs. My husband nicknamed the baby. That's a big one for him. I think once he can feel her kicking it's going to be a big one too.

Don't stress momma. He will come around before baby enters college

ACarter0914 · August 2015

You should have seen the huge smile on my husbands face when I told him. He's been ready for such a long time. We had a pretty traumatic experience before we got pregnant this time so I'd say he's been ready for years but I do know men that take some time to come around like my ex did. I don't think it really became real until I was in the hospital pushing but he's such an amazing dad now and is so in love with our daughter it's nice to see even though I'm not very found of him.

If it's important to you for him to go to your scans/appointments why don't you talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.

maiatene · August 2015

Do you want him match your level of excitement? Is he one to get excited about anything? You have to remember not only is every dad different, it's also hard to get truly excited about something like a pregnancy because he's experiencing it like you are. In this situation he may feel like a 3rd wheel but he may turn around as soon as baby gets here because now he can participate.

My hubby only came with me to the anatomy scan with my 1st, and no appointments this time because frankly they're uneventful and boring. I tell him when I have appointments and what the results of any tests are. We're pretty laid-back so I didn't see the need for him to interrupt his work day just to sit with me in a waiting room just for the doctor to say everything looks good. He's happy for the pregnancies but never giddy but I don't really expect him to be. As long as he's at the hospital on birth day and mentally present and supportive during labor I'm cool.

Now if you are having complications that's a little different because you may want/need support. In that case you have to tell him how you feel and what you need. Even if you aren't still talk with him so you have an understanding of why things are like this and he knows your feelings as well.

JulieK79 · August 2015

I don't think it really hits them until the baby is born. For women, our lives change the second we find out we are pregnant. Our bodies change, we can't eat and drink certain things, etc. For men, their lives don't really change too much until there's an actual baby.

Definetly see if he would start coming to the ultrasounds. That would probably help him maybe connect with the baby more.

veraaaaa · August 2015

Thanks everyone I do invite him to Everything he just doesn't come. But I will keep positive and hope he comes around!

Beckah31 · August 2015

For my SO- he didn't "get it" until I was in super active labor and he didn't become a dad until he held him. This time he's still about the same. I don't think the role kicks in until they get here for him. He's pretty dang awesome at it when they do however.

Mizuiro007 · August 2015

veraaaaa said:
Thanks everyone I do invite him to Everything he just doesn't come. But I will keep positive and hope he comes around!

Maybe you could adjust your wording a little. "I'd really like to have you there" or "it would mean a lot to me if you came" sometimes carries more weight than "you can come, if you want" or "you're welcome to come too".

Even as passive as he could be, my husband took the stance of they weren't just appointments for me, they involved the baby too. Even if nothing happened, he said it was important to be there and hear things for himself if something did come up about the baby so he knew what was going on and felt involved in decision making. He has always been to pediatric appointments for the same reason. If work is the issue, maybe appointments can be scheduled when he can make it.

Novvbaby · August 2015

My husband as soon as I told him we were expecting he was very happy as I was, my husband has been to all our baby's girl scans so that's super great and thankful. Everytime we go to bed he reads to her , he kisses my belly, he talks to her he loves her very much. He does so much more and I'm happy to have him and my baby girl!

Gingermom15 · August 2015

It didn't start sinking in for my my SO until he felt the baby kick. He had been to every ultrasound and appointment beforehand and saw the baby, heard his heartbeat. Now he's more stuck in the thought that baby won't be here for quite awhile, maybe it's denial or something. I'm not counting on it setting in until he has his baby in his arms. It's different for women because we are the ones carrying the baby and experiencing pregnancy, the guys are just kind of along for the ride.
I would just relax about the situation, I'm sure he will be a great father

yl1m32015 · August 2015

My Dh has known since the beginning, but sometimes it hits him more than others. I've bought him a few books on fatherhood and he liked that. It hit him at ultrasounds, when we found out the sex, when he first felt a flutter kick. Today though, it really hit him, and for the first time in his life, he acted like a father. I passed out at work and was sent to the ER. My Dh was so worried but calm and collected and took care of everything. It was the first time he ever showed me that he's ready to be a dad. Maybe it'll take your SO an event, stressful situation, or maybe even labor and birth. It'll happen. Best of luck to you.

jenbstevens · August 2015

If he won't come to appointments I think this is about more than it "sinking in" that he is going to be a father. Appointments are a way to support you, and I think it says a lot that he isn't willing to do that. Has he expressed why he won't go? Obviously if he is working, that's different (my DH had to miss one because of that but was super bummed).

I'm sure things will change once he sees his baby for the first time, but going to the appointments and seeing/hearing the baby helps to make it feel real before then. I would try and talk to him about why he won't come and why he is disconnecting himself from you during this challenging and wonderful time.

TomekiaB · August 2015

My DH has always really wanted to be a dad. He's gone to all but one appointment (he was out of town). He was really excited when the doctor let him use the Doppler. However, I can't seem to get him interested in the necessary shopping (like choosing a carseat). He also does not quite grasp how it affects our schedule...he keeps asking about travel that won't be possible (because it will be too close to my due date or because baby's passport won't be processed yet). DH is better with kids than I am but the planning part seems to challenge him.

Mizuiro007 · August 2015

TomekiaB said:
My DH has always really wanted to be a dad. He's gone to all but one appointment (he was out of town). He was really excited when the doctor let him use the Doppler. However, I can't seem to get him interested in the necessary shopping (like choosing a carseat). He also does not quite grasp how it affects our schedule...he keeps asking about travel that won't be possible (because it will be too close to my due date or because baby's passport won't be processed yet). DH is better with kids than I am but the planning part seems to challenge him.

This to me just seems like a difference of personalitits and individual strengths. Of my husband and I, I'm better at planning and research and he's more go with the flow. He at least has a better concept of travel and such from his sister and talking to coworkers but there are still things I have to remind him of and just calmly explain the reasoning, even knowing I'll likely have to tell him again. It may help once baby is here and he sees for himself how things change, or it may always be a struggle.

*Wanted to add about the shopping, it got better for us when I figured out to do the research myself. Then I have hubby go back to the store with me and just look at that one particular model, let him test it out and explain why I like it. It seems to go a lot more smoothly this was with less frustration for us both. I think he was just getting overwhelmed when I'd try to get him to do it from the start. We went through this recently with looking at a convertible carseat for DS so the infant seat will be free for the baby. I did all the reading and research then found a store with a floor model we could look at. He went with me, looked over all the features for himself, helped me pick a color, tried DS in it, measured for the car... Maybe it's something you can try.

angiestwitter · August 2015

We were fighting the other day and he told
Me the only thing that he's happy about is the baby...
Which pissed me off. Somedays he seems like he's wrapped up in his own life and don't ask about the baby as much as I would like and somedays that's all he talks about...

Greco1014 · August 2015

For my husband, it didn't sink in until after our first was born. He went to my scans with me and participated in birth classes, buying baby furniture and all that, but I can't say he was really excited about any of it. And yes, he wanted a baby and yes, our pregnancy was planned, but that's just the way my husband is. He doesn't get super excited about things coming up...he focuses on the here and now. Anyway, our son is now three and DH is a VERY involved and loving father. So it's all good.

Now that we're expecting #2, he's once again not very excited about the pregnancy...at least, not at the level that I'd like him to be. But I know he'll be there for us every step of the way and I know he'll be a great dad to both of our kids.

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

SO has been totally supportive and excited. I think it became real to him before it became real to me. Neither of us were planning for baby. Now that it's coming he always asks what he can do for me. He has come to two of my scans and will be with me for the 4-D scan we are getting to assuage his mother. hahaha

groovylocks · August 2015

Of the two of us, my husband had baby fever. So he's been very on board and tuned in since day one. He always pokes the tummy and talks to it. And even so, he sometimes seems to be disconnected from the whole thing. For example, i've had to fly to the east coast every week for work. And sometimes he comes but mostly he doesn't. And it bothered me. Because he's missing a lot of milestones. That doesn't seem to bother him and he doesn't understand why it bothers me.

There have been a couple of times when he has chosen to keep playing video games rather than stop and feel the baby move. I mean i get it. You don't want to die. But this is your kid. I don't know..

I try to keep it in mind that the big moment for him is when the head pops out. The rest is just anticipation. For me, the baby is here already. So it's like two people who live on opposite sides of a street arguing over what part of town is on The Right, you know? We see the same thing totally differently.

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