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Will I love baby differently than I love my stepdaughter?

jacitackettjacitackett member
in April 2016 Moms
Any expecting mamas out there with stepchildren? I am just about five weeks pregnant with our first baby, and I also have an eight year old stepdaughter from my husband's first marriage. My goal has always been to love her exactly as I would a biological child. Now I am worried I really will feel differently about the baby than I do about my stepdaughter. It doesn't help that, since we married 2 and a half years ago, friends and family keep saying I will love my biological children differently!

Does it really have to be that way? Have any mamas been through this before, and what did you feel? How did you make sure your stepchild(ren) felt just as loved as your bio kids, and what did you do to continue to bond with your stepchildren through pregnancy and once baby was born?
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Re: Will I love baby differently than I love my stepdaughter?

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    JaysensMomJaysensMom member
    I don't have exactly the same experience but I have a child from a previous relationship and now my husband and I are having a baby. I'm 4 weeks pregnant so we just found out. He always said he'd love him just the same but I worry that it would be hard NOT to feel differently about a child that is biologically yours. Although he's been the only dad my son has ever really known since we got together when he was 1 (he's now 6.5). I feel like its important to share your pregnancy not only with your SO but with the kids involved. Maybe make sure to set out some special bonding time for you two while you're expecting and don't forget to have the baby bring her a present when he or she arrives.

    Make her excited about being a big sister and she will be. Maybe seeing how well she is with the baby will make you think differently when you have her.

    I know most moms worry about if we'll love any of our kids the same when we have them. I know I've expressed worry that I would.
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    hazel14richhazel14rich member
    You probably will love them in different ways. The best thing you can do is try not to show favoritism. I know children can feel so left out with new born babies. Try to keep her involved as much as possible :)
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    AEG84AEG84 member
    I don't have any advice, but just wanted to tell you I worry about the same thing. My goal, like PP mentioned, is to not show favoritism. I have 3 stepsons ages 15, 13 and 6.
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    smithers01smithers01 member
    No experience but I would say it would definitely be different. But a good different. You are carrying this child so it will be a different type of bond but I think you can love them equally in different ways ! It will be a beautiful thing. You are making that sweet girl the big sister to yalls child so I think you will do great! Best of luck and don't worry!
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    LadyDubyLadyDuby member
    My fiancee was forced into having a baby with his ex wife, she was in the pill and she didn't tell him she stopped and she told him he has a kid now and he has to take care of her. The mother abused him and his daughter until he left and she's making him pay for everything. He and I can't even have an actual life together. We live with his mom and she won't let him sign his rights away because "he's not going to abandon his kid to have more kids with someone else" which is hurtful to me because he and I are absolutely perfect for each other but she hates me more than his ex who is a horrible human being and I have to hide my pregnancy because I'm scared of her. We have no car and no way to move out because every penny he earns goes to his ex wife. I love the child like she's my own but every time I look at her I see her mother and I want to die because he didn't ask for this kid and doesn't want her but he's forced to take her and She's more important than me and my unborn baby. He wants to be with me and start over but we're stuck. My whole life I've wanted a baby and the only thing greater than having him as my husband is having his child. But his first marriage which he was forced into is more important than me and my baby. And itis so unfair. It tears me apart every day.. I know its bad tto say but I will love my baby more than i love her.
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    Selina+KyleSelina+Kyle member
    I have no personal experience to share, but I feel like the fact that you are concerned about this is so sweet and shows that you are going to do a great job of loving them both!
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    LadyDubyLadyDuby member
    I can express my opinion and feelings freely and your response was quite rude. I will not apologize if I have offended you, but you've no need to feel sad for her. We love her to the end of this earth yet I view her mother as a burden. I stated that I know its bad to say what I did. But I said it anyway. Yes in your eyes that probably makes me a horrible person. But please keep it to yourself. Thank you.
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    SisterMaryNapalmSisterMaryNapalm member
    edited August 2015
    OP, I think you're making the first step by asking and being concerned. I can't answer your question from a mothers perspective (FTM) but I'm from a blended family. In my family I have 2 brothers, a step sister and 2 step brothers. It's been hard on my dad and step mum but they're still together and as a family we are strong (I believe that's mostly from their commitment). There are some great books out there for blended families, particularly step parents. Take a look at Book Depository.

    One thing I read was to find something special you and your SD share and spend a little bit of time with her doing that leading up to delivery.

    Good luck!

    ETA: I'm 5 weeks, too :)
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    Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016
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    emslade982emslade982 member
    I agree. A good family therapist will help with the transition time to make it a nice time for everybody.
    Married 9/17/11 BFP 10/5/13 DS Oliver Stephen born 6/11/14 via C-section 8 lbs 9 oz BFP 8/14/15
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    CelebritymomCelebritymom member
    ^I whole heartedly agree.
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    hplunkett2883hplunkett2883 member

    @jacitackett

    First off is your step daughter living with you and your husband? Is her mom involved in her life? I had a step daughter in my previous marriage. She however did not live with us. She was only there every other weekend. I loved her but it was not the same as the love for my own children. I cared for her and kept her happy and safe while she was with us but I had to return her to her mother. So our relationship was that of a step parent/ step child. She knew I was not her mother and I never tried to take her mother's place. I asked permission before doing certain things with her. With your own child they are with you all the time and you do for them as you wish there is no other outside party to consider. So yes loving a step child is different than loving your own. ( I have divorced her father now but I still talk to her a few times a week and visit her when I can since we now live 4 hours apart.)

    But my best friend has a step daughter who has lived with her and her husband since she was 3 (now 11). She and her husband have had 2 other children together. She loves her step daughter as her own and I don't see any difference in how she is treated compared to her biological children. She would go to the end of the world and back for that girl.

    Depending on your situation, it could be very different or it could not be. Sounds like you love your step daughter very much considering you are concerned about this. Just don't treat her any different than you do now even after the baby is born. Keep her involved in the baby's care and things as much as possible so that she doesn't feel as if the baby has created a wedge in your relationship.


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    Taynic85Taynic85 member
    I was best friends with someone I knew forever and the boy felt like a son to me because I was always around . I have kids of my own but it doesn't take away the hurt of not being able to see him anymore if that answers your question .. To me it doesn't matter weather your child is truly yours or not you love them the same . same as people who adopt and have a child of their own. People who state you will love your child more then one that isn't yours are awful . I don't feel just because something comes from your body it means more .
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    beccabeeeebeccabeeee member
    edited August 2015
    I find this extremely sad and totally absurd that you are saying he was "forced" into having her baby. Unless she physically forced him, this story just doesn't make sense. As an adult it's common sense that birth control is not 100% weather she stopped them or not. He's just as much to blame for this as she is.
    I have a serious question OP. Did you know he had a child with his ex prior to being with your now fiancé? If yes, then why get involved with him in the first place if you weren't ready to take on the responsibility of being a step-parent? Yes the bonds will be different between the 2 children, but you can still choose to love them both equally. As for what the MIL said, I completely agree with her. Its not right to pick and choose which child is more important than the other. Starting over isn't going to change the fact that he still has a daughter.
    He needs to man up and own up to his responsibilities and face it head on and so do you. She became your responsibility too when you guys decided to be together knowing the situation.

    Edited: I just want to apologize to the OP for my post. I got you and another member mixed up. My response was towards LadyDuby. Sorry again!
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    kvm2908kvm2908 member
    I grew up with my dad and stepmom - they got married when I was 2. Then they had two boys together. There were times when I was a teenager and angst-y that I thought she loved them more than me but we are so close and we've talked about it many times since then. My stepmom always told me she fell in love with me right away and knew she was supposed to be my mom. She acknowledges a different bond with my brothers that came from carrying them, breastfeeding them, being her biological children but there is no more or less love for any of us. I'm sure your heart will double in size and carry just as much love for your stepdaughter as your baby. There may be times when you feel the love is different but that's okay!
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    ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    Op, as the step daughter of a wonderful man who would NEVER say I was anything other than his daughter, I must say that it is great that you are being proactive about this concern. I have a younger sister and an older step brother. We are treated differently because we are different people, not because of who are parents are. As a PP said, sometimes we've had that teen angst where we'd think 1 parent loved us less, but it's a growing stage/process. It's all about how you work through those bumps. Just be consistent with both children when it comes to raising them and discipline. Make sure you have conversations with them when they ask questions about differences and things of that nature. It's more about your reaction to the issue at hand and the child, than it is about the actual issue most times. I think you'll be fine if you keep being proactive and loving your children. Just love them and do the best you can by them. Kids don't come with manuals.

    @LadyDuby yeah, your posts were just terrible and AWish. I pray for your future step daughter, she deserves better than what you described. I wouldn't wish such a thing on my worst enemy.
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    ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    LadyDuby said:

    I can express my opinion and feelings freely and your response was quite rude. I will not apologize if I have offended you, but you've no need to feel sad for her. We love her to the end of this earth yet I view her mother as a burden. I stated that I know its bad to say what I did. But I said it anyway. Yes in your eyes that probably makes me a horrible person. But please keep it to yourself. Thank you.

    So you think it's okay for you to say whatever you want and we have to just deal with it, but we can't express our opinions about what you said? That's hypocritical and childish. When you post on a PUBLIC Internet forum, people are going to give you all types of responses, and you aren't going to like all of them. Furthermore, when you post things like your initial post, you look terrible, and then follow it up with an inept post after that, it only makes you look worse. Be reflective before you post. If you want to air your dirty laundry, that's your business, but don't get mad when people hang it out to try for you.
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    TrishGbbTrishGbb member
    @LadyDuby I don't see how a man can be trapped into having a baby when he's in control of where his sperm goes.

    Just saying.
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    Mother0fDragonsMother0fDragons member
    TrishGbb said:
    @LadyDuby I don't see how a man can be trapped into having a baby when he's in control of where his sperm goes. Just saying.

    Actually this is more common than you think. Some women will say they're on birth control when they're not and then have unprotected sex just to get pregnant and trap the guy to take care of them and the future baby.
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    Mother0fDragonsMother0fDragons member
    edited August 2015
    jacitackett said:
    Any expecting mamas out there with stepchildren? I am just about five weeks pregnant with our first baby, and I also have an eight year old stepdaughter from my husband's first marriage. My goal has always been to love her exactly as I would a biological child. Now I am worried I really will feel differently about the baby than I do about my stepdaughter. It doesn't help that, since we married 2 and a half years ago, friends and family keep saying I will love my biological children differently! Does it really have to be that way? Have any mamas been through this before, and what did you feel? How did you make sure your stepchild(ren) felt just as loved as your bio kids, and what did you do to continue to bond with your stepchildren through pregnancy and once baby was born?

    I don't have any step children, but I do have friends who do have a step child along with their own biological child. They don't love the step child(ren) any less! I think that because you have been with your husband for a good amount of time that your stepdaughter should know that you love her even once someone else aka the baby comes into the picture. She may feel jealous after your baby is born, but biological siblings get jealous too. My friends have always tried to make sure that the step children are included in family time, trips, activities etc.
    Sounds like you are taking a step in the right direction to make sure that your stepdaughter will still feel included and loved!! Best of luck to you!
    *typo
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    TrishGbbTrishGbb member
    @Mother0fDragons yeah but if he wears a condom or pulls out, it doesn't matter if she takes her birth control or not. Seems like he's consenting to making a baby at her discretion by knowingly giving her control of their fertility. I'm just saying that I'm pretty sure this is why a man is legally required to support a biological child. He's just as responsible.
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    TrishGbbTrishGbb member
    @Mother0fDragons just want to add that I understand what you're saying, but I think that the situation described above with the ex wife is an example of the whole "she trapped me" excuse being a bunch of bull. To be a parent and carry on with such an excuse as though its legitimate just reflects poorly on him IMO.
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    hplunkett2883hplunkett2883 member
    Taynic85 said:
    I was best friends with someone I knew forever and the boy felt like a son to me because I was always around . I have kids of my own but it doesn't take away the hurt of not being able to see him anymore if that answers your question .. To me it doesn't matter weather your child is truly yours or not you love them the same . same as people who adopt and have a child of their own. People who state you will love your child more then one that isn't yours are awful . I don't feel just because something comes from your body it means more .
    I don't know if this was directed at me or some of the other PP's but since it fell right under my comment I am going to respond. I just want to clarify that I loved and still love my step daughter even though I am no longer married to her father. When she was with us I treated her no different than my own kids. I didn't love her less. It was just simply different because I was reminded all the time that she was not my child, whether it was her mother, father, grandmother, or even her that was doing the reminding. I was involved in her life as much as I was allowed to be. As with my friend she has had the opportunity to raise her step daughter as her own and seeing them together you would never know the difference. Not saying you will love them less, but depending on OP's situation, it could be different.
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    Alimaee22Alimaee22 member
    I am pregnant with my first child, I am a young mom. I am 20 years old and I have two stepchildren ages 6 & 4. Being raised the way I was, I grew up with a blended family. I know that I won't love my kids any less than I do now, when this baby is born. You will of course have a different bond because you are carrying this child inside of you, it's part of you. It's all about how you feel and how you handle the situation! Good luck though(:
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