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Etiquette Question

laswettlaswett member
in November 2015 Moms
Hey ladies. I have a baby shower question. I've been following the past threads on the subject, but I have a question about an issue and what I should do. My step sister graciously offered to throw me a shower (ftm here). I got her everyone's name and address weeks ago. She is supposed to be working with a gf of mine to plan. As of right now, she has not contacted my friend, and there is no date set. I am due November 22nd. It's a family shower, so people are starting to ask me for dates, so they can plan. I don't want to seem pushy because I am super thankful she's doing it, but I'm also starting to stress that it's not going to come together, and my family members will be upset since they are expecting it. Is there a non pushy way to ask her about the progress, or as the recipient, should I just keep it to myself and what happens happens?
Me: 28 DBF: 30
BFP#1 07/10/14 EDD 3/14/15 Diagnosed with Blighted Ovum 08/18/14
BFP#2  3/17/15 EDD 11/22/15
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Re: Etiquette Question

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  • flasflas member
    If you keep it to yourself your gf may be left holding the reins. If your gf is helping then I would say get her to give a call and get the ball rolling. If that fails, for me I would just start helping out. I know we aren't supposed to but it's not like you're throwing it yourself, you could just help with errands.
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  • newmanmininewmanmini member
    I had to do this. My MIL and SIL are hosting my baby shower. I am due nov 28 and still had heard nothing about the date. I was nervous about it too and so I just casually asked my SIL if they set a date. I was worried about seeming pushy too but it was fine. She just told me they would have it whenever I wanted it and wasn't upset that I had asked her at all. So we set a date together right then and there and ever since they have started working on the planning. I don't think it is pushy for the guest of honor to inquire about the date. In my case it helped get the ball rolling on the rest of the planning. However I think PPs posts about having your gf get involved by getting in touch with her and asking about the date and how to help would be a great way to do it if you feel uncomfortable asking.
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  • Kitta+1Kitta+1 member
    It's your baby. You guys are so much nicer than I am - I stopped worrying about etiquette when the sleep stopped. Now I just tell people what I want, how I want it, and when - my whole family must be mean though because no one's been offended yet.

    I will say, I think work may be planning a shower and I haven't asked about it.  Then again, the further along I get the more I develop a distinct distaste for most of my coworkers anyways ... I really hope once my hormones settle down I'll like people again one day lol.
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    Dad: Toby, 36, army veteran and woodworker
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  • Gapeach83Gapeach83 member
    Since it's your step sister maybe ask a close mutual family member to ask about the date. They could say they just want to make sure they don't make any other plans. Since they are already asking they could mention it to her instead. Of course make it casual and not pushy. Most guest prefer to get an invite at least 1 month in advance.
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  • dogsombrerodogsombrero member
    If you want to be nonchalant call SS and tell her you think you gave her the wrong number for your friend. Next time someone asks you about dates give them SS info and say you aren't sure but SS is in charge.
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  • helsbels222helsbels222 member
    You can tell her that family and friends have been asking you for the date so they can make plans and tell her they have asked for her number. She what she says. Maybe she has been planning it without your friend's help but by bringing it up you can get an update and get the ball rolling.
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  • laswettlaswett member
    Thanks everyone! Great advice. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being bitchy since it is a gift.
    Me: 28 DBF: 30
    BFP#1 07/10/14 EDD 3/14/15 Diagnosed with Blighted Ovum 08/18/14
    BFP#2  3/17/15 EDD 11/22/15
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  • oliarnmom1517oliarnmom1517 member
    laswett said:

    Thanks everyone! Great advice. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being bitchy since it is a gift.


    I honestly would have asked the same question because I wouldn't want to be rude.. I don't have a similar situation but I think your question is a good one because I wouldn't have had a clue what to do either..
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  • makeoutside7makeoutside7 member
    Hi,

    The same thing kind of happened to me. My sisters and a few friends are throwing my shower but haven't started any planning yet so I just straight up asked my sister "how's is coming along? People are asking me where I am registered already and I want to be able to give them a date and time for the shower". So that same week, an invite was designed and mailed out. Sometimes you gotta push a little to get the ball rolling! Once there is a date, they will be more determined to plan for it. Good luck, mama. I know how you feel!

      FTM due 11/06/2015
    Married 09/21/2013
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  • Ninjette22Ninjette22 member
    If I was you I would just ask... and if they get offended just be like well people have been asking me when the date is so they can request off of work for that day and they should understand.
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  • BlondeMomma92BlondeMomma92 member
    I have friends asking me if I'm having a baby shower, and I've told them I don't know probably not. Since it's bad edicquette(sp?) for me to throw myself a shower and I'm kinda not expecting people to give me stuff I mean it'd be nice cause the whole first time mom thing but, I'm the kind of person. Where I'd rather get a bunch of gift cards to the stores and just get what I want with the gift cards or if people wanted to contribute money towards something then that's okay too. Is that wrong of me? Or tacky? I'm not too sure.
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  • helsbels222helsbels222 member
    BlondeMomma92 said:

    I have friends asking me if I'm having a baby shower, and I've told them I don't know probably not. Since it's bad edicquette(sp?) for me to throw myself a shower and I'm kinda not expecting people to give me stuff I mean it'd be nice cause the whole first time mom thing but, I'm the kind of person. Where I'd rather get a bunch of gift cards to the stores and just get what I want with the gift cards or if people wanted to contribute money towards something then that's okay too. Is that wrong of me? Or tacky? I'm not too sure.

    Have you registered? You never know, maybe your friends are asking because they want to do it. I also don't think there is anything wrong with wanting gift cards however if you are registered for the things you want then why not that? You'll get exactly what you want and not have to run out to pick it up yourself.
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  • PetitNightingalePetitNightingale member
    I also wonder as a potentially single (maybe even not even keeping LO b/c I'm about as mature as baby food) mum if it would be in really poor taste to have a shower. My other pregnant acquaintance, who is starting to become a friend, is due a few weeks after me and has graciously offered to include me in hers and add me to her registry so if I keep LO, I will have a few baby things to start out with since I currently have nothing and no job (though that will change by December but Nov-Dec is two months and LO needs to eat obviously).

    I sort of want to accept but I don't want to be a charity case. Aren't baby showers supposed to be personal? I feel like that's not something you share, it's special. 

    OP I think you just bring it up casually, I mean yes she is offering to do something nice but she is now responsible for it, it's not unreasonable to point that out. 
    Do unto others. 
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  • lakesideknitterlakesideknitter member
    edited August 2015
    PetitNightingale said:

    I also wonder as a potentially single (maybe even not even keeping LO b/c I'm about as mature as baby food) mum if it would be in really poor taste to have a shower. My other pregnant acquaintance, who is starting to become a friend, is due a few weeks after me and has graciously offered to include me in hers and add me to her registry so if I keep LO, I will have a few baby things to start out with since I currently have nothing and no job (though that will change by December but Nov-Dec is two months and LO needs to eat obviously).


    I sort of want to accept but I don't want to be a charity case. Aren't baby showers supposed to be personal? I feel like that's not something you share, it's special. 

    OP I think you just bring it up casually, I mean yes she is offering to do something nice but she is now responsible for it, it's not unreasonable to point that out. 
    Why would she add you to her registry instead of you creating your own? It would really be up to the person throwing her shower. If they offer to include you, you could accept. I may be reading your post wrong, but it sounds like she's offering to add the things you want to her registry and then give them to you - I would be PISSED if I bought something for a friend or family members baby shower and then found out she handed it to someone else...
    Edit - autocorrect...
    Me: 28, DH: 40
    Married 9/28/13
    DS born 11/12/15
    EDD 8/13/18
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  • PetitNightingalePetitNightingale member
    You aren't being insensitive--this acquaintance of mine is strongly encouraging me to keep the baby so that's part of her offer I assume. I haven't accepted it because I agree w/ you, I think she's just trying to stir up my maternal instinct. 
    Do unto others. 
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  • BostonBaby1BostonBaby1 member
    PetitNightingale said:

    I also wonder as a potentially single (maybe even not even keeping LO b/c I'm about as mature as baby food) mum if it would be in really poor taste to have a shower. My other pregnant acquaintance, who is starting to become a friend, is due a few weeks after me and has graciously offered to include me in hers and add me to her registry so if I keep LO, I will have a few baby things to start out with since I currently have nothing and no job (though that will change by December but Nov-Dec is two months and LO needs to eat obviously).


    I sort of want to accept but I don't want to be a charity case. Aren't baby showers supposed to be personal? I feel like that's not something you share, it's special. 

    OP I think you just bring it up casually, I mean yes she is offering to do something nice but she is now responsible for it, it's not unreasonable to point that out. 
    *still lurking

    IMHO, please don't put yourself through that. After reading your thread the other day, I really think that it would be a bad idea to take that sort of risk considering the situation that you're in.
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  • PetitNightingalePetitNightingale member
    thefithuntress said:
    You aren't being insensitive--this acquaintance of mine is strongly encouraging me to keep the baby so that's part of her offer I assume. I haven't accepted it because I agree w/ you, I think she's just trying to stir up my maternal instinct. 
    Seems like a risky idea to have a baby shower/register online if you're trying to hide your pregnancy from the parents you're living with.

    Oh, I had not thought of that and I didn't know they were public. Thank you for informing me. 
    Do unto others. 
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  • urby87urby87 member
    PetitNightingale said:
    thefithuntress said:
    You aren't being insensitive--this acquaintance of mine is strongly encouraging me to keep the baby so that's part of her offer I assume. I haven't accepted it because I agree w/ you, I think she's just trying to stir up my maternal instinct. 
    Seems like a risky idea to have a baby shower/register online if you're trying to hide your pregnancy from the parents you're living with.

    Oh, I had not thought of that and I didn't know they were public. Thank you for informing me. 
    How else would anybody find your registry?
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  • PetitNightingalePetitNightingale member
    I thought that it was like a list you handed out to the people at the shower, not a public thing anyone could access. I know nothing about this shit, granted. 

    I don't want to thread jack. 
    Do unto others. 
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  • urby87urby87 member
    No, a registry is for shopping for gifts so they can bring something to the shower.  Obviously, it's optional, and people can spend their money however they see fit.  A lot of people like to put their money toward something they know you'll like, though, and a registry is a good way to point them in the right direction.  They can shop online or in-store, but they find your registry by searching your name and/or area.
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  • oliarnmom1517oliarnmom1517 member
    urby87 said:

    No, a registry is for shopping for gifts so they can bring something to the shower.  Obviously, it's optional, and people can spend their money however they see fit.  A lot of people like to put their money toward something they know you'll like, though, and a registry is a good way to point them in the right direction.  They can shop online or in-store, but they find your registry by searching your name and/or area.


    A lot of people that are going to my shower have asked for my registry number and I told them that it's just for reference because I know babies r us is a little more expensive.. I know one of my moms friends (she's TERRIBLE with managing her money) would go broke buying me things from my registry.. Because she would buy the bedding set I want plus the glider I would like (my MIL is giving us the money for it because she knows how much of a pain it is to hold a baby in an uncomfortable chair) plus anything she find adorable.. That's why I told people that if they find something similar or the exact set cheaper somewhere else that I won't care where it comes from or what it is.. Whatever they get I will be happy and grateful to receive..
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