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September 2015 Moms
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Feeling pissed at sister and mom! VENT

LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
in September 2015 Moms
okay. I'm due in less than 3 weeks. I live in the same town as my sister and parents. My sister has 4 kids. My mom works full time but has one day a week always off to watch my sisters kids so she can live the country club lifestyle. Golfing, lunch dates, shopping, etc. My sister also has a sitter, plus house keepers...yet my mom is constantly over at her home cleaning and watching her kids. My mom takes vacation from work for all 4 of my sisters kids births, and the kids birthdays every year. She also takes vacation so my sister can go on an actual vacation(my mom watches her kids). What I'm trying to say is HI IM YOUR DAUGHTER, TOO!!! My mom never calls me to see how I'm feeling, never offers to help me clean(I don't have house keepers weekly), hasn't offered to take a vacation to help with baby, and they are always excluding me in daily things. I get it. I don't have a kid yet. BUT I remember when my sister was pregnant with her first...my mom was so far up her butt cleaning and pampering her. It's like pulling teeth to get my family to pay attention to me or return a phone call. My mom only has two daughters. I was always a daddy's girl, while sister a mommys girl. It's so painfully obvious how different she treats us, but I'm having a REALLY hard time with it while pregnant. My DH is starting to resent her for it because of the pain it is causing me.

If I bring anything up, it will be 'me being dramatic or hormonal', so I refuse to bring it up. I didn't marry a millionaire, I'm college educated, I donate to charity and volunteer my time to different organizations...I'm very independent and very different from my sister. What I'm trying to say is it's not that I'm the family outcast or bad person...she just treats us SO different and always has. I'm even the baby of the family, too!

My sister and I get along good, but that almost complicates it more. How do I say anything?? I'm just worried about my kid not having a grandma who cares. She's too busy working full time and spending every waking second at my sisters becking call! I won't see or hear from her for weeks, yet my sister sees her daily and always knows what's up. Did I mention we live in the same town?! Ugh!!! My moms already spread too thin...there's no way she can take even five minutes to see me and baby...it's going to kill what's left of our relationship if she treats my baby different from my sisters!!!

Wow this is long but felt great to type. I hate drama. And I'm sad. :-(
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Re: Feeling pissed at sister and mom! VENT

  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    Oh wow that's just so not fair to you. I'd be severely upset and hurt by your mother for blatantly having a "favorite" and I totally get being afraid to say anything for the typical "it's just your hormones" response. But at the same time, only speaking up will make them see your side and how you're feeling. I would go to your sister first and point out how she's not giving you anything like she has for her. I hope she'll understand and maybe your sister can be the one to point it out to your mom so it's not coming straight from you
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    I think that you may be looking at this the wrong way.  A lot of the things your mom does "for your sister" can actually be described as her spending time with her grandchildren.  I know my mom absolutely loves being around all of her grand babies, she doesn't necessarily think of it as helping me out (though it is) but she just thinks of it and loving on her grandson(s).  You may notice a big change when you have your LO and she wants to spend that time doting on him or her.  Hopefully, she will feel differently when baby is actually here.  

    I'll admit that I have a sitter once a week for a few hours and my mom usually takes my kids for a bit every week but I definitely don't think of it as living a country club life.  I think of it as maintaining my sanity with a 2 year old and an infant.  I honestly can't imagine 4 at this point, your sister probably needs a break, I know I would.  

    I know you must be disappointed (I would be too!) but give her a chance to prove you wrong.  
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  • DuckybearsDuckybears member
    A way to start talking to your mom about this may be to ask her what her plans are for the birth of your baby and asking her how she is able to help after baby is born. She may be waiting for you to tell her what you want, or she may just be assuming things without discussing it with you.

    It definitely sounds like you're in a tough spot, but burying all your feelings may just make it worse. Take it one step at a time and try opening the door of communication. Chances are everything will start to change anyway when your LO arrives. (And hopefully for the better)

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  • WDDCHWDDCH member
    I feel so bad about this situation. Favoritism hurts. And yes your child will take notice by a certain age if the favoritism continues with grandchildren.

    I would definitely have a heart-to-heart but maybe after baby is here and you see how it goes? I don't know but maybe she feels you're so independent that you wouldn't want her help? She may be making assumptions. She may think you're strong and can do it on your own. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help or let her know that she's needed because she honestly may not think to offer. Sounds like you're level-headed and strong.
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  • tpally6212tpally6212 member
    WDDCH said:

    I feel so bad about this situation. Favoritism hurts. And yes your child will take notice by a certain age if the favoritism continues with grandchildren.

    I would definitely have a heart-to-heart but maybe after baby is here and you see how it goes? I don't know but maybe she feels you're so independent that you wouldn't want her help? She may be making assumptions. She may think you're strong and can do it on your own. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help or let her know that she's needed because she honestly may not think to offer. Sounds like you're level-headed and strong.


    I totally agree with this! At this point you are an adult and though having a favorite child is wrong having a favorite grandchild is worst! If she is having trouble sharing her time between you and your sister I'd definitely bring it up but more importantly I would make it a point to make sure she treats all her grand babies the same.
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  • LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    edited August 2015
    ElleMF728 said:

    I think that you may be looking at this the wrong way.  A lot of the things your mom does "for your sister" can actually be described as her spending time with her grandchildren.  I know my mom absolutely loves being around all of her grand babies, she doesn't necessarily think of it as helping me out (though it is) but she just thinks of it and loving on her grandson(s).  You may notice a big change when you have your LO and she wants to spend that time doting on him or her.  Hopefully, she will feel differently when baby is actually here.  


    I'll admit that I have a sitter once a week for a few hours and my mom usually takes my kids for a bit every week but I definitely don't think of it as living a country club life.  I think of it as maintaining my sanity with a 2 year old and an infant.  I honestly can't imagine 4 at this point, your sister probably needs a break, I know I would.  

    I know you must be disappointed (I would be too!) but give her a chance to prove you wrong.  
    I meant my sister literally goes to the country club. Lol! No shade there. She's a multi millionaire! Did you read the post?? My sister has help 30 hours a week, plus house keepers. Lol. Also, my mom cleans her house for my sister(her kids don't clean) and did all this for her BEFORE she had kids. Not trying to be snarky, just didn't seem like you read the whole thing. I know it was long.

    ETA: I swear I wasn't trying to be rude! I'm sorry! My sisters whole life is a vacation! LOL They go on one a month, sometimes more. I love her and am happy for her lifestyle situation, but my mom has treated her as a favorite my whole life. It's just more noticeable because she isn't doing the stuff for me that she did for my childless pregnant sister her first time around. Heck, we have spend next to no money on baby stuff because of my sisters generosity so zero shade toward my sister! I'm just terrified it's going to hit the fan when after my baby, nothing changes. 5 days a week my mom works full time, and a 6th day a week is designated just for my sister and kids(I won't hear from her even on her one free day!) I just don't see how she will have a spare second for us, without taking away from my sister and her kids. Now, my sister is so dependent on my moms extra help, idk how this is going to work out. Also, I would NEVER expect my mom to use her one free day off a week to watch my kid. Plus, most the time she ends up at my sisters doing 'after hours' things the nanny/house keeper didn't get to. I could sure use some help cleaning but would never ask though. Sorry, just really frustrated with the situation.
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  • PregNancyClarkPregNancyClark member
    My mom did everything to help my older sister too. It was a little intimidating to think about trying to get some time with my mom, or heaven forbid a little help?
    But when my son was born, my mom was absolutely awesome and helped a ton! It also healed our relationship and now we are best friends. The weirdest part is that my sister (who didn't want to share) has made other personal decisions that pushed us all away and now she is the one without a close relationship with any of us. I don't wish that on your sis, it's just to say that you never know how things may change in a short period of time. Just be open and awesome! Expect nothing and be grateful for everything. Show love and you'll get love back. You just never know :)
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  • conchispititaconchispitita member
    Sounds like a crappy situation. My grandma totally has a favorite grandkid, everyone one knows and accepts that....except me. I was the only one to point that out to her (growing up) and now I have least favorite grandkid status. It's something I resented for a long time, but being angry about it hasn't changed anything.

    I know this is easier said than done, but if your mom is anything like my grandma I'd let it go. Hopefully things will change when baby comes, but be prepared for the status quo to remain the same.

    I really feel for you, it's not fair to you or your baby. But your mom is human and unfortunately her shortcoming is picking favorites. Best of luck.
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  • cjstats87cjstats87 member
    I'm in a similar situation, pregnant with my 3rd, my sister has 2, we all live within 10 mins from each other and I feel like my mom mainly does stuff to help my sister...don't get me wrong she helps me a ton but it's almost every minute shes worrying about my sister this or that. I have FINALLY come to the realization that my sister needs more help bc she really NEEDS IT and my mom sees me as a much more capable mother/wife. Although it sucks bc I just want some attention sometime I kind of get pride knowing my mom thinks I'm doing so well that she doesn't need to help me
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  • LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    I feel I'm personally fine, just getting upset about the different treatment because I really thought it would change since being pregnant. My main concern is my child noticing and feeling less than. It could end up being fine, but based off her track record in my 30 some years, I'm not holding my breath. I have managed to not let it interfere with my relationship with my sister. Sister can't help how mom treats me, ya know? Honestly, they don't have any reason to think I feel this way, other than being a little distant. I swore to myself years ago I would NEVER play favorites with kids!!! I know how it feels to get the suck end of the deal!!

    I feel like no matter what it will be 'she has 4 kids and you only have 1', then 'she has 4 and you only have 2', etc. I'll never be able to seem worthy. It just hurts my heart when I stop and think about it.
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  • lovesgummieslovesgummies member
    Can you talk to your sister about it? Maybe she can help out in some way in reaching through to your mom?
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    Lovelee85 I didn't take it that way, I just hoped that maybe things weren't 100% what they seemed from your end.  Talk with you mother and let her know how you are feeling.  Its never okay to play favorites and its even less okay with little grandbabies.  Maybe your mom just isn't able to see how her behavior looks to you? You say you are very independent so maybe she thinks she would be imposing on you and doesn't want to invite herself over after baby comes.  

    Have you told her what things she could do to help or that you are nervous and would appreciate her help or advice when LO comes? I think that maybe if you take that step and her behavior still doesn't change you will know better how to continue on with her.  Good luck! 
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  • nursekatie47nursekatie47 member
    Wow that's brutal and totally unfair. I hope they both change their tune once you have your baby. If not it's their loss.
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  • baker1jm2baker1jm2 member
    Ya that's a tough situation. We have something similar, though not quite as extreme with my mil. She totally favors my sister in law over my husband (she already has 3 kids and this is our first). I get our kid isn't her first grand baby but we're getting no where near the treatment his sister got with her first, or even 3rd for that matter. She visited her 3rd twice in 2 months (we all live in different states) and isn't coming to meet ours until she will be over 2 months old. When his sister had her first she took a whole month off of work so she could be at her Beck and call, really upsets my husband!
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  • aleecatsaleecats member
    Maybe she just thinks you don't need the help the way your sister does? Like you said your really indepent and do-it-myself right? So maybe she assumes you have everything under control where as your sister relys on others to do things for you. But you should talk to her about it, cause the reasoning behind it might be something along those lines and if she knows how much you want her around she'll come around.

    But I do hope it gets better, favoritism sucks And it's not fair to you or your LO
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