Has pregnancy brought you and you SO closer together or farther apart?

justyh · August 2015

Me and my bf have been so distant lately. It's depressing to me that we barley talk yet he says its me being closed off and emotional. Idk what to do. I feel so alone, unattractive, and just not wanted.

Anyone else feel the same or the complete opposite?
What has helped you and your SO remain close and connected through out this pregnancy?

christina4436 · August 2015

I would say same closeness or closer. Prob Bc it doesn't feel totally real yet. I think once the baby comes definitely closer Bc we will share a special feeling that only us will have. It's corny but we are like that with our dogs and always say how blessed we are with our little fam. It's hard to say what keeps us close but maybe that we don't take anything for granted and always tell eachother how lucky we are. Making efforts for us/alone time even if it's going to get ice cream on a Sunday eve definitely goes a long way.

choyandjill · August 2015

Definitely closer. Me and DH have been married for 5.5 years now. Means we have been wanting to have this baby for 5.5 years too... It feels like a wish come true for both of us. I think we are also very much excited about transitioning to another phase in our life together -- being parents. I am excited to see what kind of a father my DH would be.

My DH isn't the talkative kind. He's kind of mysterious and less-is-more type when it comes to words. So it really helped all those years of our marriage that I am very open and conversational. Maybe have a serious sit down talk with your SO and tell him how you are feeling? Communication is important especially now that you are having a baby soon...

millereliz13 · August 2015

I have been honest with my husband, I feel fat, ugly, and frustrated all the time. He's been super supportive. I'll be married 9 years in October and we learned early on to be honest and communicate. We are as close as ever.

Spanchez · August 2015

With my first pregnancy I definitely felt distant from DH. He was freaking out inside a bit about how our lives would change and how his responsibilities were increasing by the second! He was taking off to do what he wanted to do more than I would have liked and I felt like I did not get much attention from him. From the second our little guy was born - it clicked for him. He's an amazing father and really tries to be a great husband and I try to be a great wife.

From the second we found out we were pregnant with this baby - he has been amazing! He has been much more thoughtful and interested in the pregnancy and not just the end result.

I think we sometimes forget that they don't really know what we are going through. I try not to just talk about myself and the pregnancy all of the time but I do let him know when I need something. We all handle stress and change differently.

While it sucks and you feel terrible about the current state of the relationship (I know!) I think you need to take care of yourself, be honest about your feelings and ask about his and try to come up with some solutions of activities you can do together.

dchiapella · August 2015

I feel like it's brought us closer. But mainly because preparing for a baby means needing to take care of myself and prioritizing my family over work and taking responsibility for a lot of things. My job was always the big wedge between my husband and I so now that I've taken care of that situation and we see each other for more than 10 minutes a day, I'm now in a safe car, yada yada yada, it's no surprise that we're closer since those were the huge issues we'd been dealing with.

@justyh Try pin pointing the things your husband cares about most and do something to really show that you understand. I know my husband felt very swept to the side for quite some time because he felt like all I could care about is the baby on his way. Women tend to gain security from the small things, cooking our favorite dish, getting the right kind of detergent, measuring out the OB approved portion of our favorite wine. Men don't tend to notice or don't care about such things and they don't admit when they feel insecure. Maybe a big gesture? Like for example my husband knows that hiking is the last thing I want to do right now because I'm just so tired and in pain, but that's his favorite thing to do other than rock climbing (obviously not an option for me right now). If I said "let's go hiking this weekend," that's all he would need to understand that I love him and I'm still looking out for his needs.

Hope that helps a bit. I completely understand how unnerving it is. Good luck!

dparker721 · August 2015

think for us it has been in stages. For most part we been just as close as always, then DH had to leave for a month in June for training and when he got home in July, he had a slammed work schedule, my Dr's appts have increased, and we did a kitchen remodel. Before he left I wasn't showing at all and when he got back I was noticeably pregnant, which I think made it a little more "real" to him than it was before. On top of that, I run my own photography business and haven't been working nearly as much so we've taken a financial hit and I have started job hunting.

The past couple of weeks we've felt more distant and I've cried over it every day. We talked about it and I realized how worn out he is and the stress and pressure he is feeling from her being here so soon and him wanting to be able to feel like he can be home more from work with her, provide for her, etc. I know that we'll make it all work and once she's here these things won't feel so big, but I understand how you feel right now.

jenspeake · August 2015

My DH and I had a huge fight the other week. Started out because of something small but turned into a huge fight with us not talking for a few days. It seems there has been some miscommunication and reading each other wrong. He thought I didn't want to be touched (he was supposedly getting that vibe) and my complaint was that he wasn't being touchy feel enough. He was feeling the stress of having to get some chores done around the house with no help, freaking out about being a first time dad, etc. I say have a nice long talk about everything and get it out. Doing that has definitely helped and now we are closer! It wasn't a fun talk but it helped!

taralohse · August 2015

We are closer than ever. My husband has been so supportive and he's so excited to become a daddy, it makes my heart melt.

altow1310 · August 2015

I think what you're really wanting to know is if it's ok for you and your hubby to be going through a period of distance, minimal communication, etc. and regardless of what others are going through or what experience they've had I say yes. It is perfectly ok to be having some struggles and perfectly normal. For every husband and wife who instantly become way closer as a result of pregnancy there is a husband and wife who struggle. We are going through a LOT of changes, and that coupled with men not really knowing what we are going through and what we need or want right now, it can be hard not to run into a few obstacles along the way. I agree with PPs who have said to communicate, but I also think it takes some self-eval as well. Our emotions are running rampant right now, and that could be playing into it as well. Things may not be AS different as you think they are; you may just be hypersensitive and noticing every teeny tiny little thing hubby does that upsets you or rubs you the wrong way. Hope that makes sense. I've caught myself doing it a lot, so I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. It's just a matter of remembering just how different things are right now for both of you and recognizing that sometimes the little things make the biggest difference. Once your little bundle is here I'm sure you will fall more madly in love with your hubby than ever before. Hang in there, Momma!

altow1310 · August 2015

My apologies. I just realized you (OP) said boyfriend and not hubby. Sorry for using hubby in my response to you, but all the same still applies.

perrysaurus · August 2015

Closer for sure. We have been together for almost 7 years and we're both so excited to start a family (other than our kitties) one day. The pregnancy was unplanned and a major shock to us both which was scary at first.
We found out I was pregnant 1 week after buying our first home.
We are already very close, even though we don't have to, we choose to carpool to work as often as possible just to spend more time together.

I feel like our relationship is going to be brought to a whole new level after baby. I worry I'll be so tired and unable to provide DH with the appropriate attention after caring for baby 24/7. I'm so excited for the challenge though!

lindsay897 · August 2015

My SO and I ended up separating about 2.5 months ago and he now lives over an hour away. We are both first time parents and never planned on having children. The 1st and 2nd trimester and really most of this pregnancy had been really hard on me emotionally. These hormones make me feel like a crazy person. One day depressed and crying, then happy, then angry. I think it was too much for him.
The distance hasn't made things better. He tries to remain involved and goes to all my doctors appointments, but he's not here to help me with the everyday physical and emotional struggles. It's hard for me not to have resentment.
I wish I had what many of you have.

elmann1 · August 2015

I feel much closer to DH. When I'm angry and moody i'm able to scream "help!!" and he knows that I feel icky and he helps me get through the tears. I've been crying a lot and he handles it very well because i'm totally open with him and he is with me. I refuse to hold anything in because I feel like that emotion just festers then builds into trouble. Sex hasn't been easy for me, but he's been a sport about it. We laugh about how weird pregnancy has me but we're so intent on having our baby, we know this isn't forever. Everything will be back to normal and I wont feel like a slimy slug and be able to be active again!

brittanispears · August 2015

I think what you're going through is perfectly normal. Initially, we bumped heads on a lot. But we both had to work on compromising. We realized that some things really aren't worth getting into an argument over. We really had to learn to put the other's interests ahead of our own. I'm somewhat of a control freak and he's Mr. Go-With-the-Flow. We had to meet in the middle.

That's just relationship maintenance, in general. It's different when you're pregnant because some women feel like everything is a major deal and many times it's not. I had to learn not to sweat the small stuff. Change brings about a lot of uncertainty but the key is to communicate with each other.

CCasey2015 · August 2015

lindsay897 said:
My SO and I ended up separating about 2.5 months ago and he now lives over an hour away. We are both first time parents and never planned on having children. The 1st and 2nd trimester and really most of this pregnancy had been really hard on me emotionally. These hormones make me feel like a crazy person. One day depressed and crying, then happy, then angry. I think it was too much for him.
The distance hasn't made things better. He tries to remain involved and goes to all my doctors appointments, but he's not here to help me with the everyday physical and emotional struggles. It's hard for me not to have resentment.
I wish I had what many of you have.

I wish you the best & I hope all works out for you! Good luck!

shycoconut · August 2015

I learned he is emotionally dead or numb.

BabyOIsComing · August 2015

A little from column A, a little from column B. I feel like we're both handling our impending parenthood in our own ways and a lot of that had left us doing things on our own. But I've also seen a side of him I didn't see coming. He's taking this very seriously and stepping up to take care of things I'm not feeling up to doing (plus things I never even thought of). I think once Baby O arrives, we'll be able to get back on the same page, and come together on the new challenges.

babykitcat · August 2015

It's definitely interesting being the slow/breathless/emotional one and very limited in what I do. DH isn't limited and still living his normal life....is this fair? I find myself emotional because of it. I don't know if it's done anything to our relationship but it's definitely changed me and I can't wait to be back to normal...or at least normal mobility.

TheSouffleGirl · August 2015

I agree with @jadi1215! Totally okay. Each relationship is different, and depending on where its strength and weaknesses lie, different trials will push husbands and wives closer apart or further together.

Pregnancy is a huge change for everyone, but it affects the man and the woman differently because different things are demanded of them. Depending on your relationship, this could be the first time you (plural) have really been forced to experience things in such different ways that you (plural) have vastly different responses to the changes. I know this is the case for us. Both our lives are changing, but they are changing in different directions. We have different fears and different need, both from pre-pregnancy and from each other. For one thing, I need so much more support, and he does have to detach slightly in order to remain strong enough to give it. I think that is normal and can be healthy.

But I also agree with PP when she says that this too shall pass. Relationships have seasons, and a new season is around the corner. As one of my mentors says, jokingly, "Kids are great for marriage because they give you a common enemy!"

meghan82 · August 2015

it depends on the day... or hour... lol.

the hard parts: in the beginning my husband was so excited about the baby-- in the first trimester i was a bundle of nerves and anxiety and so worried about miscarrying but he wanted to shout it from the rooftops. honestly i think he was more excited than i was. once we told people and i started feeling the baby move i really developed a deep connection with the baby that my husband just didn't have yet. i think the adjustments to our lifestyle have been hard as well-- normally we do everything together but i've been so tired in different periods of this pregnancy that my social life has been really reduced. i am normally the extrovert and hubby's the introvert but he has been the one going out to social gatherings while i prefer to stay home. and it's been really hard for me to occasionally lose control over my emotions and become much more snippy, angry, weepy, you name it than normal as i am normally very laid back. and the hardest thing has been that as the pregnancy has gone on there have been a few stalls in our sex life for different reasons (some physical, some mental on my part). he's been mostly understanding about that but i know he would prefer a higher frequency.

the good parts: as always my hubby is great at staying calm and managing things and keeps us on task about things we have to do to get ready. he has been so excited to set up the nursery and we ended up having a lot of fun going through all the baby clothes handed down from my nephew even though i was initially so overwhelmed by that project. every time i express a worry he listens but also helps me put things in perspective. the great parts: i think we are closer than ever in the sense that i really feel like it's different going from being a couple to being a family. i know my husband will be an amazing dad. i also think we are more forthright and honest with each other-- we don't really put off difficult conversations whereas before we might have. i feel like even though we've been together for 10 years and are in our early and mid thirties that we've somehow both matured. becoming a mom has given me a lot of confidence in our relationship and in myself and in turn i think this makes the relationship between the two of us even better.

tl;dr: i think certain aspects of pregnancy can create distance or problems in the short term but in the long term and in the grand scheme of things we're becoming closer.

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