Is anyone else's mother staying with them back at home?

Moreen20 · August 2015

I want to have my mother come and stay with us when we get home for the first few days/nights. My husband thinks this is unfair to his mom. Meanwhile, while my mil intentions are good, she drives me crazy and always tells me what to do. My mother is very relaxed and is one of my best friends. How do I stress that it's my mother's place to help me recover and not his? Am I overreacting ?

cjstats87 · August 2015

Not overreacting at all!!! I have "visiting hours" for my in laws! And my mom can come any time and stay as long as she wants!

My mom cleans, helps, organizes! She so had 4 kids and nursed all of them and I had her in the room for delivery with baby 2! With my first my mil and her family brought dinner for all of them to eat at my house and hang/camp out for 6 hours after we'd been home for 1 hour...NEVER again!

surprisepkg31 · August 2015

I posted about Mill issues the other day as well. So frustrating!!! My husband will support my decision but he doesn't like it either. Your mother is your mother!! Your the one going through all the crazy and if your mom is who you want then that is who is allowed!!! What is so unfair to his mom? Is it necessary for her to be their too? Ugg, I hate this argument and situation so much it's unfair to you is what it is! I feel like the last thing I need to worry about are others people feelings! This is about yourself and what we are about to go through physically, emotionally and mentally is pretty darn epic!- and suggesting that you should need to be concerned with anyone else feelings after birthing your first child especially in your own home to me is just outrageous. I hope he comes around. I would just say if he can either see you angry and in distress with her their or he can see you supported and relaxed. His choice!

mariessa02 · August 2015

No way :] Not overreacting at all. You are the one giving birth, your mom wants to be there for you & that's who you want there too. He has to understand that you bond with your mom is different than your bond with his mom. Let him know that his mom is welcome to visit, but that you really only want 1 person staying to help and that person is your mom. I'm sure he knows the type of relationship you have with your mom. Hopefully he'll end up coming around to the idea and be understanding. Good luck mama!

My mom will be staying with us for a few days when LO is born. I know my MIL would like to too... Sounds like she is similar to your MIL - good intentions but tough to deal with because she always has something to say and has to tell me how to do things her way - BUT she lives in Greece and only comes to visit us during the holidays so that pretty much solves the problem lol.

rkk0002 · August 2015

I too need suggestions/advice on this. I love my MIL, but when she came to "help" while I was on bedrest, she basically was on her laptop the whole time and constantly forwarding articles about all kinds of baby advice to me. I know she has good intentions, and my husband just kind of shrugs and says that's just how she is, but how do I kindly get across to him and her that this drives me crazy! I'm getting anxious just thinking about her coming after our little girl is born, but I do love my MIL and don't want to hurt her feelings

madismom12345 · August 2015

There is a big difference between moms and mother in laws when it comes to daughters and having babies. My mom will stay with us for about a week or so after our baby is born to help with cooking/cleaning/ and helping with our three year old. If a woman is comfortable with her MIL coming to stay and help than that's great, I think it just depends on the relationship. I don't need Her because my own mother fills that role.

chelseajeanene · August 2015

Your mother in law should understand the bond with your own mother at this time is just stronger and more comfortable and she shouldn't take it personally. Now as for me, my mother asked me how much work she should take off to stay with us...I don't want her to. Since my DH gets 6 weeks off when the baby gets here, I think we can do it by ourselves, we at least want to try. I love my mother to death and she is my best friend, but she talks and thinks like this baby is already hers and I'm not okay with it. She's an extremely heavy smoker with a short fuse and snaps at me when my opinion doesn't match up with hers. I just want to do this on my own and not have to walk on eggshells to set her off with her style of parenting that I don't agree with. If she wasn't a smoker I think it'd be much different. I've developed adult asthma that has extremely intensified while pregnant, to the point where I was hospitalized for 3 days. Anyway, SHE gave me the asthma from secondhand smoke and I'll never forgive her for it and will never let my son be exposed to it.

PickledPlums · August 2015

DH and I are living with his parents, but we're spending the first week or two at my parents'. They have a smaller house and we'll be able to eat, sleep, and bathroom all in adjacent rooms on one floor. I'll be more comfortable being nearly broken at the house I spent 27 years in...I honestly still find it easier to poo there. His parents both work full time and cooking and cleaning is every man for themselves (his mom and dad rarely have the same dinner, and rarely cook), while my mother only works two hours a day and is super housewife- cooks every night and does everybody's laundry always. Always cleaning up after people. It'll be easiest.

Don't get me wrong, she also makes me crazy but I'm comfortable snapping at her when I need to, I think that's important

mrstzouganos · August 2015

We are opting for a different approach, we will only have day visitors for the first 2 weeks; then my mom will come and stay from week 3, where she will cook, clean and help take care of the baby when I need to shower or nap; then my MIL will come for week 4, where she will hopefully understand that she is there to help cook and clean and not only care for the baby. We chose this route because we felt it was fair to everyone, my mom stays first because when a woman has a child she just wants her mom not someone else's mom! I know my MIL is upset that she can't stay before week 4, but I explained it like this "we want a schedule once DH goes back to work, we want a routine down that works for us before we have overnight guests, so once our overnight guests depart we won't have to figure out how to get a schedule or routine down while DH is working" our main goal is adapting to this major change in our life and how to handle it when it's just us!! The last thing I need is a meddling MIL, who already drives both of us nuts staying after I have a c section!!

squigles28 · August 2015

FWIW, I framed it up to DH and MIL that I wanted to make sure she got quality time with baby too, since we know that is why she is coming, in addition to helping. It seemed to help not hurt feelings. And I wanted my aunt there week one to help with breastfeeding etc.

verveine407 · August 2015

Not only do I think that you are not over reacting, I think you are perfectly reasonable. When your DH has a medical procedure (and I hope he doesn't) then he can have his mom come and stay with him when he gets home from the hospital. Baby humans are not ducks, they don't imprint in the first face they see. Though as adults we are already bonded to the baby (well most people anyway) it will take time for the baby to form attachment to their caregiver. So despite everyone wanting to race to hold the baby first - and even knowing this I better be first!- there is lots of time for relatives to get their baby cuddles after you get home and settle in.

I didn't want my mom to stay with me after my DD1 came home from hospital but about 10 pm I called her crying to come help me. I am so thankful it was just a 15 minute drive. My mom can drive me absolutely bonkers but when I need something she will do whatever it takes to support me. My MIL also can drive me bonkers but expects to be waited on and entertained, and will criticize anyone -including a baby - that takes the spotlight from her. Guess who I asked to stay with me for two months this time? She could only stay two weeks because of her work but still, I want my mom!

Stick to your guns. :-)

AmandaNacora · August 2015

I wish my mom or mil could be here

but my mom drives truck and doesn't know when she will be home(supposed to be going to Canada soon) and I have no idea when mil will be here. I know mil is happy and knitted LO a blanket and stuff but she's almost 70 so this isn't her first grandchild and its all been there done that. There's a language barrier with us so that gets awkward but she is wonderful with cleaning and cooking! Everytime she visits she insists on cleaning and cooking for everyone, and I know I'll love some help since DH is only taking a day or two off work and the only other help I'll have is my brothers, which I love them but they are guys guys and can't cook or clean worth a darn haha.

rachellegiacco · August 2015

Not at all. It's your mom you should feel closer to her to go through that rough transition. There is a lot of uncomfortable things to deal with like breastfeeding, bleeding, looking like a hot mess, exct that I would not feel comfortable dealing with in front of my MIL. I do see how it could be seen as unfair especially if it's the first grandkid so I would try to include her in some things even if it's just asking random questions or input from her.

shelbydd · August 2015

My mom is staying with us for a week or two after LO arrives. I would never even consider allowing MIL stay overnight during that time, much less for a week or two.

My thought process is that I'm the one who's just given birth, I'm the one healing from said event, it's going to be new and crazy for both of us but ultimately that first little while is going to be worse for me because of the fact that I'm healing and need to rest while simultaneously learning to breastfeed and take care of LO. My comfort is important in this situation and I wouldn't feel comfortable with MIL, I do feel comfortable with my own mom, though.

It's not a personal thing against MIL, it's about doing what makes you most comfortable and at ease during a really new, crazy situation. I don't think there's anything wrong with preferring to have the people around you most who you are comfortable with.

conchispitita · August 2015

I totally understand you and would want the same thing. My in-laws are coming a week or so after the birth, which gives us some recovery/prep time.
I want to stay at my parents for a few days after the hospital, but my husband doesn't care for that plan. I just know my mom will cook, clean, and will know and understand what I need. I love my husband, but taking care of other people is not his forte.
Hope your husband comes around and will understand why you want your mom there. I'm keeping my fingers crossed mine will understand too, preferably before baby gets here

jbettles · August 2015

We live in the same town as MIL, and my mom is 2.5 hours away. With DD, mil kept her distance while my mom came n stayed a week with us (after we had been home a few days). Her mentality was that she will be a few blocks from baby and can visit more easily than my mom, so my mom deserved uninterrupted time with her new granddaughter. I'm glad I didn't have to argue or bring it up. My in laws are usually pretty easy to deal with and always reasonable.

ForeverEverAfter · August 2015

Regardless of title, you should only have guests you're most comfortable with at that time-and it's your choice, not DH's. You'll be emotional, sore and learning-it's a fragile time, and everyone needs to respect that. With #1 we had a week to ourselves before my mom came.

My mom hasn't even been to this house (moved last summer) because it's a 2 day drive and she has 2 young kids at home and her elderly mother with dementia in her basement. Even if she could come, she wouldn't be much help. My MIL comes every couple months and babysits while here, knows where everything is, and we get along great. She's coming to stay for a few weeks, I hope she arrives before baby so we won't need to use a sitter for #1.

rebeccabloomwood · August 2015

Ack! I'm in basically the same boat except not overnight. Mother in law insists in taking a week off after baby is born. I have tried to schedule with her that I be at home a week with DH then my mom for a week then her but I know she will show up the first Monday after baby is born with a full week off. I have made my wishes crystal clear so if this does happen she will either be sharing the time with my mom or be on her merry way.

Like others said, it's you who needs the support not the baby. You choose which caregivers spend time at you house in a time when you're extremely delicate.

LaurenNewph · August 2015

Your mil isn't your mommy! This is a crazy scary time (at least it is for me) and we need the comfort of our mommies! Mine will be with me for a week when baby comes home! They're there for us not the baby!

tlc11934 · August 2015

Do what you're comfortable with! I would of course prefer my own mom over my MIL any day, but she lives 10 min away and will likely be over all day/night instead of sleeping over. MIL and FIL will come when the baby is 8 weeks old as they're tying their stay to DH's grandmother's birthday party. They live on the other side of the country.

With DD1 I let my MIL stay in the delivery room. She didn't spend the night until DD was about 4 weeks. She only lived 2 hours away at that point.

Good luck. Do what's best for you and your little family!

junebaby20 · August 2015

My mom is staying with us for 2 weeks to help with post csection and 3 year old. We could have asked my MIL. She would have gladly come. It's a very weird situation between my H and his dad. And unfortunately my MIL is paying the price. But they are coming at the end of September for around 5 days and I should be hopefully over the first 2 weeks of pp crazy. I feel a lot better nuring and being a hormonal lunatic in front of my mom. I'll have to rain it in around them just for my own comfort level. My mom still works and usually comes in June but asked her to come in sept instead. My IL's are retired and have a lot more money and leeway but again, weird relationship.
Just do what you will be comfortable with. It's not like she isn't invited. Just taking second shift.

carlyamc · August 2015

Try and explain your mom being there is more for YOU then for the baby. She will be helping YOU recover. I have a very good relationship with my MIL but she still isn't my mommy.

My mother is staying with me around the 3rd week of SEPTEMBER because my SO has mandatory overtime at work the week after EDD 9/14 (16 hours days + commute for 6 days straight) for the Papal visit in Philadelphia. We are hoping I don't go late.

DH is very understanding and happy that my mom has had the ability to help out when he is working that week.

LaurenNewph · August 2015

carlyhumma said:
Try and explain your mom being there is more for YOU then for the baby. She will be helping YOU recover. I have a very good relationship with my MIL but she still isn't my mommy.

My mother is staying with me around the 3rd week of SEPTEMBER because my SO has mandatory overtime at work the week after EDD 9/14 (16 hours days + commute for 6 days straight) for the Papal visit in Philadelphia. We are hoping I don't go late.

DH is very understanding and happy that my mom has had the ability to help out when he is working that week.

I'm from Upper Darby! So I will most likely be hibernating that weekend! It's going to be insane around here!

babs02 · August 2015

My Mom will be here as soon as she can make it, she lives in another state. She will stay with us for about a week, most likely depending on her work schedule. She works 7 on 7 off and while most of her co workers are on stand by there is one week in September where no one can cover her. I really hope LO doesn't come that week. My MIL is a 20 min drive away so she understands.

BrittnieMariee · August 2015

Both my mom and my MIL live about 10-15 minutes from our house. I've already told DH that I need my mom for this process and he was very supportive because he knows how close she and I are. My mom will be taking two weeks off to help me when baby is born and I've told my MIL she's welcome to come visit anytime (as long as she calls with a heads up in case I'm nursing at the time). I've also told them I only want DH and my mom in the room when I deliver. This is my first child and I don't care whose feelings get hurt because it is 100% MY birth experience. Maybe I'll let my MIL be in the room for our second child, but not this one!! I've also told them that if they're waiting at the hospital they'll have to wait an additional hour after he is born because I am really adamant about having that first hour of skin to skin (as long as there aren't any complications that prevent that). Stand your ground! Even if it is difficult, remember it is your birth experience and your child.

squigles28 · August 2015

You definitely have to go with what you are comfortable with, and certainly ask your SO what their feelings are about it.
We decided for delivery, both will have the opportunity to be at the hospital
They can both (his mom and my aunt) be there during labor, which could be long and DH could need a break since I'm being induced. Or I could use a break from him lol. Just me and DH during the pushing part.
Both are staying at our house for the couple days surrounding that. Then when we come home, my aunt is staying for a week to help get me started.
We are going to ask his mom to come back for an extended time any other week but that so she feels like she gets her own special time with us and the baby. And so I don't have too many hands in the pot so to speak. I think it is important everyone feel included, and I certainly don't want to get pushed to the side.
But that is the compromise my DH and I came to. He said he felt good about that.

monicaP · August 2015

I am blessed to have a truly wonderful mother in law. That being said. The first help from a mom I am looking to is my own. It is not that you are keeping DHs mom away from the baby, it is that you are recovering from a huge physical and emotional experience and need the support of your mom. She will be there for you, not getting dibs on extra baby cuddles.

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