I'm such a bad person

maxmcj · August 2015

We only had 3 pound to get dinner for the week for myself and my son my partner and his son . To save money and food I decided to Cooke pasta and sauce for all of us tonight even when my partner said he'll do other food for him and his on later... I carried on cooking as I just thought we can't afford two separate meals ... but after my partner got off the xbox and came down stairs he went mental as he already told me he'd get different food later and I just did him pasta. He didn't want it and has gone mad at me saying I'm just like my family I don't listen and he wants no part of it any longer... I have apologised for cooking him tea... but he just said I never listen just always do what I want anyway.. I am really truly sorry and I know I shouldn't have cooked for him . I just want him to forgive me . I know I've been selfish. I'm a horrible person ... how do I get him to forgive me ... I feel so sad.

lindscnn1 · August 2015

You should not feel bad about that. You are the one trying to make the most out of what you have. It is irresponsible of him to disregard the financial aspects and completely disrespectful to have the nerve to be mean to you for cooking him dinner. I would tell him to put the Xbox down and grow up.

maxmcj · August 2015

It's not that easy I've tried explaining to him why and I just get told I should just listen to him . Ibe just hacked his Facebook. .. and he's been telling all his friends I've cooked him tea and he's in a mood as I cook shit food. He's just came up and I apologised to him again and I get told to stop crying. I can't help crying atm it's not fair. He's been playing xbox for the last 4 years of our 5 1/2 year relationship. I tend to leave him to it as when me or my son try n talk to him whilst he's playing and we either get ignored or shouted at... we can't walk in front of him either as it distracts him .... that's another story. ... but u know I love this man with all my heart but I just don't get how he can be so Un attached. .. when it's good it amazing but when it's bad it's terrible... I feel so alone it's not fair

x

arcanejinx · August 2015

You are not a bad person. You have apologized (though I wouldn't have). As a hardcore gamer who has been with a hardcore gamer for 6 years-how he is acting over a video game is not rational or mature. My DH was once way to into WOW and it nearly ruined our relationship. Once he realized how he was barking at me he took a break. Then we worked out some rules for both of us (as I can get snappy too). He limited raid time an we both allowed for situations involving PVP.

Snapping at you and your son is not ok. If he gets this mad right now how will he be able to help with a newborn? Will he get angry and scream at the LO of it cries when he's gaming? Will he put down the controller if you are overwhelmed and need help?

IMHO if it's only amazing part of the time it's not a good sign. That's not to say couples shouldn't fight but it shouldn't be so much you have to think of the good times.

In a bit once you have calmed down and he has can you talk to him about this? If you feel like you can't it might be time to see a councillor or other service where you two have a mediator to work through your communication issues.

Hullabaloo2016 · August 2015

DH used to play WOW non stop, I played to but never let it interfere with daily life. He has since given it up completely because it was a serious addiction for him (like would wake up in the middle of the night because he just had to play, missed work because he stayed up all night playing, would rush us through family stuff so he could get back to the game, etc) He decided since it was a true addiction and he could not moderate his gaming time in a healthy fashion, he needed to quit completely. That he needed to be a better husband and father.

BUT he has never once ever snapped at me for cooking him dinner. Your partner sounds immature and ungrateful.

maelic · August 2015

Leave him.

I mean it. He sounds like he's making your life hell and I bet it's only going to get worse. Get the hell out of there and protect you and your kids from his abuse.

falconness · August 2015

He sounds like an abuser. You shouldn't have to apologize for trying to make him food and saving you both money. An abusers makes you feel like it your fault. If anything he should be apologizing to you. You need some self esteem. If you had some you would know that a man who does that is worthless. That's what a child acts like. I swear, are you dating one of my exes? Grow a back bone. Tell him if he doesn't like your food he can make his own or suck it up and eat or he can starve. Also, do not cry in front of him. He sounds like he gets off on that and he doesn't deserve the satisfaction. I would never put up with that. He would have permanent foot prints on his ass from my foot. And he wouldn't have to taste my cooking because he wouldn't be living in my house.

ARogers26 · August 2015

Yeah. Leave him.

katekat8721 · August 2015

What? I'm 90% sure this is MUD and I can't understand half of it, but if by some chance this isn't fake... Please don't leave your husband because random internet strangers tell you to.

lindscnn1 · August 2015

@katekat8721 What is a Mud?

Hullabaloo2016 · August 2015

lindscnn1 said:
@katekat8721 What is a Mud?

It took me awhile to figure it out, Made Up Drama

ACleanLife24 · August 2015

Um seriously???? If he doesnt want to eat it fine then you have left overs... otherwise fuck him. If you are on that tight of a budget you don't have the money to be running a short order kitchen and he should know that. He really needs to grow up.

ecwk · August 2015

Jesus, what an asshole. He has no right to treat you like that. I hope you can be more assertive and let him know in no uncertain terms that you should not and will not be treated like a skivvy by him. Eat the food or go hungry. The Xbox thing is a separate issue and definitely needs to be addressed. I just don't know how much of a support he will be to you with a newborn if he's acting like this now. And for what it's worth, you are not at all a bad person. Good luck.

mshukh · August 2015

You are not a bad person, but you made a bad choice by having a child with him, knowing what he was like. Sounds like you two need counseling or if he is unwilling, then you need to take your child and go to a relative to let him know that unless he grows up and starts respecting you and acting like a man, you are leaving. No one would EVER treat me like that. And I hate when people use the excuse of "oh, but I love him" to justify their staying. The only reason you are staying is because of fear of being alone. And having fear dictate your life and the lives of your children is stupid and irresponsible. Staying because of fear would make you a bad person.

Whether this is made up or not, we don't know. Stuff like this happens all the time, so it could very well be real.

diablesse · August 2015

DTMFA

Really? You're struggling wondering about stretching 3 pounds for four people for a week while he's downstairs playing his XBOX?!
And you're the one that's ends up feeling guilty? Honey, there's some serious manipulation and emotional abuse going on here.

I really hope this IS mud.

lindscnn1 · August 2015

I would be selling his Xbox and treating myself and kids to a dinner out...without him!

diablesse · August 2015

I really hoped we would get an update from the OP on this.

maxmcj · August 2015

It's not his xbox it's a neighbours that's lent it to him ... he was like this when we had our first born and he did occasionally do things.... I got him a job last week and he's only been in twice I'm at my mums looking after my sisters kids atm and just had a call from my friend ( his boss ) saying hes not in work... I have just phoned him and he said his son fell down the stairs last night so he's not going in today ... I've kicked him out countless amount of times and I feel so good when I'm by myself but after months he promises to be better and then it goes back to this... j know I'm putting myself in this situation but I'm stuck in a rut now with routine... I know what he's gnna do say and everything else... I feel so bad about it but it's alot harder when it's ur life... he use to be addicted to wow and I finally got him to quit about a year ago... as I said a neighbour lent him the xbox and TV so I can't do anything with it... he's now got onto playing gta which is constant pvp so he's in fight mode 24/7 ... his mum and sister have even stood on my side before and told him he's in the wrong... he says the right things but does the opposite... I'm such a fool I know but I'm just stuck in this circle... he knows how to play me and I know how to calm it down with time ... I do feel a right dock but it's hard u know... sorry guy I know this is gnna piss everyone off but I probably won't leave him Ill probably be doing this for the next 60 years or so but I know this and it does my head in more than anyone can imagine.... I know the routine ... I dunno I'm just a dumb shit who never learns ... thank u all for ur support its nice to know I'm not alone at least xxx

maxmcj · August 2015

Thank u all for being so supportive I really do appreciate it xxx

ecwk · August 2015

You sound like you have resigned yourself to the fact you're going to be stuck with the lowlife loser forever. You sound desperately unhappy and you NEED to change this, especially before baby comes along. It seems you have a good support system in your family, friends and even in his family. Why not reach out to them, even show them everything you've just written here. You're not alone in this but you need to act sooner rather than later, you and your children deserve to be happy.

maxmcj · August 2015

My family are only happy if I'm running around for them and his have given up helping thank u and sorry for doing everyones heads in x

ecwk · August 2015

Well then you need to be even stronger and find the courage to turn the situation around. There are organizations that are there to help women in situations like yours. It's domestic abuse even if he hasn't been physically violent. Check out womensaid.org.uk or refuge.org.uk but to be honest if you're not willing to take the bull by the horns and get out then there's not much anyone on here can do to help you. It's your life, you have to take control.

maxmcj · August 2015

Xx

bntfroggie · August 2015

As some who was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I know how hard it is to leave, I played the back and forth game too, and realized I was stuck in a cycle of a good guy when he was sorry and an ass when he was not. Luckily we didn't have kids together and walking away was much easier that we didn't live together either. But right now you are feeling like he is all you deserve I have now been with the person I am meant to be with for 4 years and I cringe when I think of that old relationship and what could have been my life. You can do this, and when you leave surround yourself in people that love you. I wish you the best of luck and I know this is so hard.

arcanejinx · August 2015

You deserve better.

Since it's not his xbox or TV can you talk to the neighbour that lent them to you and get them to take it back?

And it's not your responsibility to get him a job-he's a grown ass man and if he wants to mess up his life he can. Right now it may seem like you are stuck but how about doing things to raise your self esteem? Start living life for you and your children. Either he will catch up with you guys or eventually he will leave. If you cater to bad behaviour it reenforces it.

Remember you can't afford to give away more than you can afford to loose. If your children are going to have a shitty father than they need you to be a great mother. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that that is how a man treats a woman? I doubt it. So you won't leave him physically but you can start leaving him mentally.

My mothers last marriage was a lot like what you are describing. She couldn't leave because she loved him so she started building herself back up. Eventually she got to the point where she could leave and now she's on to wonderful healthy relationships.

A site that can help you frame his behaviour is youarenotcrazy.com

diablesse · August 2015

Thanks for coming back and updating. I'm really concerned for you and your unborn child. I realise it's a very difficult situation and not easy for you to walk away from, but it's only going to get more difficult to leave as your pregnancy continues and after your child is born. You should really take this time to evaluate what's happening and if you really want to settle for this type of life for you and your child for the rest of your lives. You're really the one with the power here.

RosyK · August 2015

Hullabaloo2016 said:
DH used to play WOW non stop, I played to but never let it interfere with daily life. He has since given it up completely because it was a serious addiction for him (like would wake up in the middle of the night because he just had to play, missed work because he stayed up all night playing, would rush us through family stuff so he could get back to the game, etc) He decided since it was a true addiction and he could not moderate his gaming time in a healthy fashion, he needed to quit completely. That he needed to be a better husband and father.

BUT he has never once ever snapped at me for cooking him dinner. Your partner sounds immature and ungrateful.

WOW was a huge issue on our house too. Dh was obsessed with it and would play constantly, and even yes, would wake up at 3 am to play (though just on weekends). I told him that it was affecting our family too much and he needed to give it up except for certain, agreed upon and predetermined times. It's worked well, he will get into 2-3 month kicks, but then go a year or so without playing.

mshukh · August 2015

I think it is extremely irresponsible of you to stay. If you were on your own, then you could do whatever you want. You have children who have no one but you to protect them. Currently, you are acting not much better than he is. That is a horrible example to set for your children. In addition, you are ruining at least two innocent lives (hard to tell from your post). He is clearly abusive and immature. He is a hazard to have around your children. If you don't care about yourself, at least be a woman enough to care for them.

Clearly there is a pattern and no matter what he says, he will never get better. Plenty of people just like him out there. That's life. So going back to him truly is stupid, not to mention inexcusable since you are putting children in danger.

You owe it to them to get him out of your life and then get therapy to understand why you were stuck in this cycle for so long and how to avoid getting sucked back in. I am pretty sure most therapists would recommend you don't date for a very long long time and focus on raising your children.

lindscnn1 · August 2015

mshukh said:
I think it is extremely irresponsible of you to stay. If you were on your own, then you could do whatever you want. You have children who have no one but you to protect them. Currently, you are acting not much better than he is. That is a horrible example to set for your children. In addition, you are ruining at least two innocent lives (hard to tell from your post). He is clearly abusive and immature. He is a hazard to have around your children. If you don't care about yourself, at least be a woman enough to care for them.

Clearly there is a pattern and no matter what he says, he will never get better. Plenty of people just like him out there. That's life. So going back to him truly is stupid, not to mention inexcusable since you are putting children in danger.

You owe it to them to get him out of your life and then get therapy to understand why you were stuck in this cycle for so long and how to avoid getting sucked back in. I am pretty sure most therapists would recommend you don't date for a very long long time and focus on raising your children.

As harsh as that may sound, it is 100% accurate! Put yourself on the outside. Look at your situation like you would if this was happening to a friend or sibling. What would you suggest they do? Then take your own advice. Sure it's always easier when it's not you. But you have the responsibility to teach your kids what is acceptable behavior and what is not. His behavior is not okay. And he's got you wrapped around his finger, making his meals, finding him employment, making excuses for him, etc. You said this has been ongoing for Years. How many more years are you willing to live like this? If you don't change something now, it won't get any better.

maxmcj · August 2015

I'm making a change... nothing drastic... just thinking of giving my self putty head a rest for a while and start looking at things differently .... feeling very optimistic after a few really good days in a row xxxxx sorry for being a pain and doing everyones head in yet again but I can't just sit here and feel sorry for myself... I'm gnna grip life by the nutsack and get on with it xxxxx

lindscnn1 · August 2015

We are just concerned for you and your kids. You are not the only one going through difficult situations like this. My niece is in a similar relationship but without the gaming issue. Hopefully you'll look at your relationship with a different perspective. Good luck and keep us updated.

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