Who decides when "we" announce our pregnancy?

MWallace23 · August 2015

My hubby and I have been having a huge disagreement over others finding out we are expecting. EVERYONE knows we were planning to start trying last month and BAM...we conceived on the first try. He's saying nobody can know for 13 weeks. I said at 8 weeks, after we hear a heartbeat, we tell closest friends, but announce to the world at 13 weeks. He says absolutely not. I'm a FTM (he's a FTD) and I have a billion questions I want to ask my two friends who are my age and recently delivered. Is he being unreasonable or am I jumping the gun?

PeggyOlsonFTW · August 2015

He might feel differently after your first appointment. He might be so excited after that he'll be ok with sharing at 8 weeks. Or maybe you guys could compromise a bit and you could just tell one or two close friends (who won't spill the beans) at 8 weeks and then wait to tell everyone else at 13 weeks?

I wouldn't push the issue too much. Kind of a pick your battles thing. Everyone's gonna find out sooner or later, right?

sarahanddanblonsky · August 2015

When and how you announce your pregnancy is a very personal choice. If you want to announce right away there is nothing wrong with that. Waiting to announce is also not wrong. Traditionally people wait until 13 weeks in case of an early miscarriage (odds go down after 1st trimester). Heaven forbid that the worst happens though and you are most likely going to want the support of your close family and friends. I think it is ridiculous that society tries to dictate when you announce. (I've had a loss and am not currently pregnant).

At the end of the day I think it's your body and you should be able to tell who you want. I recommend sitting down with your husband and discussing why you want to share. Telling or not telling does nothing to guarantee or prevent anything.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

sarahanddanblonsky said:

When and how you announce your pregnancy is a very personal choice. If you want to announce right away there is nothing wrong with that. Waiting to announce is also not wrong. Traditionally people wait until 13 weeks in case of an early miscarriage (odds go down after 1st trimester). Heaven forbid that the worst happens though and you are most likely going to want the support of your close family and friends. I think it is ridiculous that society tries to dictate when you announce. (I've had a loss and am not currently pregnant). At the end of the day I think it's your body and you should be able to tell who you want. I recommend sitting down with your husband and discussing why you want to share. Telling or not telling does nothing to guarantee or prevent anything.

I'm in agreement that it's a personal choice and this is a situation where compromise is in order.

However, I'm not in agreement with the bolded. Yes, it's your body but that's also his child and this is also his special moment. Being the gestational carrier doesn't warrant free reign over everything in pregnancy. You both decided to have a child, there will be plenty more decisions that will have to be made jointly. If you (general you) use the 'I'm carrying the baby' card all the time, he will end up very resentful.

My vote is to compromise by telling only close friends/family first at 8 weeks and then the world at 13 weeks.

Good luck!

AmadorRose · August 2015

I also think part of the discussion with your husband should include whether you're going to want support from those closest to you if you do m/c (worst case scenario, here). When I m/c, my normally distant and unsupportive mother the biggest help in dealing with it because she could relate. At the end of the day, I'm glad I told her early.

geminioftwo · August 2015

I am in a similar situation. My husband wants to wait to tell people. But my cousin found out literally four days before me and asks me if things are normal ALL THE TIME. A part of me just wants to say "YES, I feel the same exact way", but then I bite my tongue because I know DH wants to keep it a secret. I am OK with it for the most part, I enjoy having a secret that we can enjoy for now. I had to stop talking to her too often haha Good news is that time is flying and soon enough they will all know

MorgansMommy1 · August 2015

I feel your pain. Hubs wants to wait till our first US (prob 10 weeks) to tell the fam and our girls. I on the other hand want to tell my mom and sister now and wait for everyone else till 13 weeks. It's our 3rd. I didn't think he cared...

sarahufl · August 2015

I told my sister, but she gets all the news. I also told a small handful of friends. I want to wait until 14/16 weeks to tell our families. I had a loss in March and I don't want tons of people to know. I also don't feel like fielding questions for the next 9 months, so the longer we wait, the less I have to put up with that

H supports what I want. As far as I know, he hasn't told anyone- although I told him he could tell a few people if it made him feel better.

pinottoparenthood · August 2015

With my son, we each told ONE person (like our closest friend). Maybe you can compromise with that? That way you have *someone* to talk to about it, but it's still really a secret between you two until later in the game.

mrstrax · August 2015

I agree with PP that said you need to talk to your husband about this. I'm horrible at confrontation, but I've learned (ok, I am learning

) that it needs to happen. And it especially needs to happen before baby arrives so that there is no extra tension taken into that time. You're already going to be dealing with months of sleep deprivation, crazy stress and likely feelings of inadequacy in your changing roles - do all you can to have your marriage be something solid to lean on instead of a fight waiting to happen. You're both going to need all the support you can get with a newborn.

I don't mean this to sound attacking or disrespectful, and I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your tone/point in your post. I have just watched a cousin fight with her husband all through the newborn stage because they had never dealt with a lot of stressors and it was heartbreaking to see them both miss out on the family aspect of having a new baby.

good luck and I truly wish you the best!!

St0v3s · August 2015

Do you know why he wants to wait? Knowing that makes a difference. If he says he's afraid of you losing the baby me personally I would tell him that you would need support and only agree to tell those who you want support from. He can't just say this is what I want I have the final word just like you can't. You also have the same possibility to miscarry at 9 weeks as you do at 13 weeks.

jonesl12 · August 2015

I lost my last one at 8 weeks and I'm so glad we didn't tell anybody other than our parents. I don't like pity partys and I'm pretty sure hearing people ask " how are you" "are you doing ok" "so sorry " for weeks after would have made it way worse. Because people didn't know , I had my D&c went back to work 2 days later and life went on as normal. It's a personal decision but DH and I both agree were not announcing anything to anybody except parents until at least 12 weeks.

sarahufl · August 2015

jonesl12 said:

I lost my last one at 8 weeks and I'm so glad we didn't tell anybody other than our parents. I don't like pity partys and I'm pretty sure hearing people ask " how are you" "are you doing ok" "so sorry " for weeks after would have made it way worse. Because people didn't know , I had my D&c went back to work 2 days later and life went on as normal. It's a personal decision but DH and I both agree were not announcing anything to anybody except parents until at least 12 weeks.

This is why I don't tell. I don't like being coddled and I don't like the idea of having to share in my grief.

Dmurphy10 · August 2015

Reading these comments really helped, as I just found out this morning that we are expecting. I am sure this will be the next topic of discussion and all of these points were really helpful.

TKaiser91 · August 2015

We decided to tell are families when we found out. Our reasoning was because we were excited and wanted to spread the joy. But also because I am absolutely HORRIBLE at keeping secrets. I just can't do it lol. I also had another reason. Which was if we do have a cm, praying that doesn't happen, but if it does I want them to know that as well. Then I can hold up at home with my daughter and not talk to family all time and they'll know why I'm ignoring them and it's not personal. But that's just our feelings toward. I will say though that since you guys have two completely different views and wants that you need to find a compromise that works for both of you! Talk about your reasoning behind what you want and then find your middle ground. If you want to tell people because you're excited and he doesn't until the m/c rate lowers maybe compromise that you tell only one person before so you still have somebody to talk about it with that's gone through it before. Compromise is key though!!!!

elasticheart13 · August 2015

We had it the other way around here with hubby and I. He was so eager to tell everyone about the pregnancy even though I was only 4 weeks pregnant. We compromised where we only told our closest family and a few very close friends because we would need their support in case something happens. But yes, a compromise in your case would be good like several have suggested. Once you explain to him why you'd need someone who understands and that you'd limit it to a few selected people he would hopefully agree.