This is more lonely than I thought

bebecrow · August 2015

I'm 24yr old. Been TTC since Sept 2014. Found out in April 2014 I have PCOS. Finished my first round of Clomid in July. Ending my TWW today. Got a negative test this morning. Still no sign of AF but with the PCOS that's hard to pinpoint exactly. I never in a million years thought we would have issues starting a family. We've kept this a secret from our families bc we wanted it to be a surprise to everyone. So since no one even knows we're trying, I have no one to talk to about the possibility that it may not happen. Or just the struggle we're going through trying to make it happen. This is the loneliest I've felt in my whole life. I thank God for my husband, but a woman who knows what I'm feeling would be nice to talk to. Anyone?!

MelenaZ · August 2015

I hear you. Same story here. We haven't really told anyone that we are TTC either. Only because I hate having to explain when things go wrong and people feeling sorry for us. It makes healing harder. This group is great. You can vent, ask question, and get great answers from women going through the same issues.

eklopez12 · August 2015

So sorry to hear.
I'm 24 as well and trying to conceive (and also really not telling anyone). It is a lonely journey, and I'm so sorry you're having trouble TTC. I know I've found a lot of help and advice over in the TTC forum ( https://forums.thebump.com/categories/getting-pregnant ). There are many different ladies with many different stories and struggles, but we all understand the constant devastation and hope that comes with this wild ride.

beckihall · August 2015

It is lonely, especially being young (I'm 29). But there are a lot of people out there who went through it. 1 in 8 couples have difficulty conceiving. I know you want it to be a surprise for your family, but I told everyone and am documenting our journey on Facebook and instagram. I felt lonely too and didn't want anyone else going through it to feel that way so I decided it needed to be talked about. It was the best decision I ever made, I found a lot of family members and friends that had gone or are going through it. I even found out it took my mom 4 years to conceive me. Talking about it is the best decision I ever made and it made me realize I'm not alone.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

You're not alone. DH and I have been TTC since January of 2014 with no luck. For over a year I didn't even see AF. She started showing up regularly in April, but now I haven't seen her at all since my last AF, which is upsetting.

We haven't really told anyone either. In the beginning it was because I didn't want them to know incase it took a while, but I never suspected it would take this longer. I never imagined we would have this much trouble. The issue is all with me, everything with DH is fine.

Anyway, welcome and good luck.

KidShrink · August 2015

I second @beckihall on talking aboutit openly. We started TTC two years ago when I was 28. We've been together for 9 years and married for 3. People asked/examined my stomach/made constant comments about what I drank or didn't drink. And everyone around has been getting pregnant. But talking about it helped calm all of that down, but most importantly helped me get support from a bunch of people I knew/met who went through a similar struggle to have their babies (from my dog sitter, to a woman I was sitting on the board of an organization with, to a few friends). Going through infertility should be a shameful experience; it's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault. And there's no reason you should have to get through this alone.
Best of luck through this journey, and don't hesitate to reach out!

betwise · August 2015

@bebecrow I agree that this is the loneliest I have ever felt as well. My DH is wonderful about all this but he really doesn't understand and he doesn't know what to do with all the tears b/c men like to fix things by nature so he gets stressed the more I cry. I don't know if this will help or not but talking to someone in person helps so much. If you feel like you can't share with everyone maybe you can find one person to trust with the secrecy of it all as well as someone to listen b/c sometimes you just need to talk about all of it. My best friend has been wonderful for me. She has never asked me one question, except when I bring it up first then she will ask different questions. I honestly couldn't have done this without her I don't think. I found that once I found someone to really talk to about this that it became easier, over time, to talk to others about it. I was too overwhelmed to begin with to tell more than one person. I told my mom first and then eventually my best friend.

Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this. We feel your pain for sure.

Erinann · August 2015

We didn't share it with anyone for a long time. I found that with time it got easier and now we share it openly. I can honestly say that at this point in my life I'm proud to say that we fought this battle! It will make you stronger! Hang in there and good luck!

AMT&THC · August 2015

I think it's lonely too. We started this 4 years ago and we didn't tell anyone. We told select family about 2 years in and now I have 3 friends that know. I usually tell my mom and sister what is going on from week to week. But, I really don't like talking about it with my mom because she cries all the time when I talk to her and she make me promise that we won't give up on trying. It makes me feel terrible to see her hurting. My sister has a 3 year old and a 4 month old and they are precious. She has her hands full. She's easier to talk to even though I can see that it's sometimes hard for her to relate. My husband goes to most of my doctor's appointments with me and we talk about it probably too much because there are times of the month that I can't stop thinking about it. Truthfully, it's such a touchy subject and everyone I know seems to have such strong opinions that I have had a really hard time finding people that I can talk to in person that can relate.

JCNYC3 · August 2015

I definitely agree with a lot of the women on here, You are not alone, and there are SO many times when it feels like you are. My DH and I had the same mindset, we wanted to surprise our families. We started TTC in January after me being on BC for 10 years, i thought i would get a BFP immediately. I figured i would give our parents a valentines day surprise, than i was going to surprise my mom on her birthday in April, then mothers day, then fathers day no BFP. Every month that passed and i didn't even get AF i became more frustrated and upset.

My DH and I decided to come clean to our parents, and it was the best decision I ever made. My Father-in-law suggested we go to one of his good friends who is an OBGYN to get a second opinion and he diagnosed me immediately with PCOS and recommended an amazing RE. Now every time I feel alone i remember i have mt DH, my family and a team of doctors routing for us trying to help bring us a baby.

Not only that,being able to call my mom, and give my DH a break, when the meds are making me crazy is amazing. I even learned that she went through several rounds of clomid trying to have me!

You are on your own journey, but remember you are not alone. I know it sounds SO silly, but sometimes for reassurance i take a look at old posts on forums (through google) on women posting back in 2012 and THEY ALL HAVE BABIES! It definitely provides me hope that this is all going to work out and its just another test making me and DH stronger.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@AMT&THC I haven't even told my mom. There is a huge part of me that wants to but another part that doesn't. And I know if I tell her she will tell my aunt because she tells my aunt pretty much everything. I have three close friends that know I am trying, but unless I bring it up they don't talk to me about it. My cousin also knows, but she had unexplained fertility so she understands what I'm going through. My husband doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't get how hard it is on me. When I talk to him about it he makes jokes a lot, I know he's trying to make me feel better but sometimes I wish he would just talk to me about it and let me get a good cry in instead of trying to make me feel better. Is that weird? Lol

@JCNYC3 We had the same plan, to keep it a secret and surprise people. First it was Easter, then it was my moms birthday, then his moms birthday, then Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc... And it still hasn't happened... 20 months later. It is so hard sometimes. My mom still doesn't know. Neither do his parents (unless he told them and hasn't told me he did...)

HBamama2B · August 2015

Wow. The openness here is amazing and really helps. We haven't told many, only two very close friends that we are doing IUIs. A couple others and our parents know we are infertile, but not that we are trying and I don't think they believe or really understand what infertile means. They mostly seem to believe we will get pregnant of we just "give it time" and "relax."

But everyone does have such strong opinions and I don't personally know anyone else who suffers from infertility. That's I think the hardest part, even those we do tell can sympathize, but who can really hear about it and fully comprehend the anger, the laughter, and the hope and desolation each month brings? Or the fact that each unsuccessful month is one of a finite number that's dwindling down to nothing faster than I could have imagined? I feel like we can't tell our folks, they're all great but.... Intense. I'm sure we will loop more people in as we go, but right now even having two know is hard and you can tell they are uncomfortable hearing about SAs and morphology and injections and US.... So, yeah, here I am on this board thanking God for all of you who I don't know. Lol. Infertility is nuts! But thank you!!!!

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@HBamama2B I feel like if I didn't have you guys I wouldn't really have anyone! It's nice to have such a great group of people to share everything with.

babyexpress · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie I feel the same way. If I didn't have the people on here I would have no one to talk to.

Do any of you regret telling someone because they have never asked about it? My mom knows and we talk about each step, which is really nice, but I told my sister and SIL and nothing....just crickets. I wonder if they care or maybe I should have never mentioned it all...oh well. Then you also wonder, what if I do get a BFP someday, should I tell anyone then? When you see all the losses, you don't want to share those news until the baby is far along...then you could set yourself up again

KidShrink · August 2015

@babyexpress : I think people not telling they're pregnant is to protect themselves and possibly others who may feel uncomfortable because miscarriage is a risk (although it is in all pregnancies really). I would wait til the first heartbeat on ultrasound and then tell very close friends and family (the ones who know the details of what we're going through) as I would want their support anyway if I were to miscarry. I would ask them to keep it hush hush for a bit and not share the news with others, although I think my FIL would have a really hard time with that, but just because I don't see him being able to contain his excitement. It would be easy enough to keep it from him though, but not sure if I'm able to do that. Do you think they'd be there for you if anything happened?

krbjoy · August 2015

@babyexpress I have told people that I regret telling because yeah, they haven't asked about any of it. Like how I'm doing. Or anything. And these are my best friends, my sister, my mil and my sils. I know some people just don't want to bring it up because it may be emotional for me or whatever, but it would be nice if they checked in on me once in a while. My mom on the other hand, she's great and excited for us, but she wants to call ever day and call me momma and things like that and I keep telling her that we are optimistic, yet cautious. I know she's trying to keep the positive thinking thing going for us, it's hard.

I too wondered if/when I get a BFP if I should tell people it hold off. I guess for the people who know what we're doing, if they ask(lol) I could tell them. I guess I would have to think about who would be there fore if it was a loss. I agree that I think I'd wait a bit. I don't know. It's really tough isn't it? Glad I'm not alone out here.

Still waiting to get beta. 4 days down, 10 to go.

paisleybrown · August 2015

@bebecrow, I'm with you. This is the loneliest I have ever felt, and that includes the time following my first husband's passing. Like you, I have PCOS and am on clomid (just finished 3rd round).

Im 34 now, but have been wanting /trying to have a baby since 25. I always thought I had time to figure stuff out, but then life happened (DH 1 passed when I was 29). We didn't waste much time getting to a specialist after my DH2 and I got married.

It's a frustrating journey. It's strange that I know so many women who struggle, but they aren't necessarily women who are very open or are interested in a lot of dialogue. I do have one work friend who shares a lot with me, but not she is pregnant. I'm ecstatic for her (she's been trying for 7 years), but she gets my hopes up a little to high. I know she just wants me to be pregnant too, but when she tells me all my symptoms are because I'm pregnant and I get negatives when I POAS, it's an incredible let down.

I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you know that you are not alone at all...

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@babyexpress I've told my three best friends and my cousin in law (who has unexplained infertility and has been TTC for a long while as well). They all ask how I am from time to time, but not frequently. Just enough that it makes me feel good, but not so much that it drives me nuts. Part of me wants to tell my mom, but I haven't.

@paisleybrown symptom spotting is the worst! When I first started TTC I thought every little thing I felt meant I was pregnant, my period was late so I had to me. NOPE! Ugh. What a journey we are all going through. Fx we all get ouf BFPs soon!!

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

Oh, also, DH and I discussed that when we get a BFP we won't be telling anyone until we are 12 weeks along.

babyexpress · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie & @krbjoy I agree. Waiting for the heartbeat or 12 weeks along is the best choice. I personally have never seen a BFP, so I feel like I would want to shout it to the world. "We Did It!" Well we and experts and modern medicine did it. But I agree, best choice is to hold off until the baby is 12 weeks.

paisleybrown · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie, thank you for understanding! I'm going out of my mind.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@babyexpress I feel the same way. I'm going to want to tell the whole world when we finally get a BFP, but I won't. My sister in law got pregnant with my brother like 5-6 years ago and told everyone as soon as she found out. A day later she found out she miscarried, so then she had to go back and tell everyone what happened. I don't want to put myself through that. Plus I have such creative ways of telling our friends and family!

babyexpress · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie that's exactly what I would be worried about. That's awful.

plumeria05 · August 2015

Wow...... I don't feel so alone anymore. I haven't told any of my family and friends and yes it's very lonely. I see that a lot of us ladies here feel the same way. We started TTC in January, did the IUI twice but didn't work. Now we're on to IVF. We did retrieval last month but none of the embryos survived. We're trying another round this month. It gets depressing and lonely but I guess we all understand each other on this forum.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@plumeria05 You are definitely not alone here.

This group has helped me so much. It's nice to have other people to talk to who actually understand!

nprl · August 2015

Me and DH have been married for 7 years. We put off getting pregnant so that I could finish school and get more stable. We decided to try so went and got a prenatal screening in the end of 2013 which was fine. Had BFN for four months and then AF stopped. Couple cycles of delayed AF the OBGYN diagnosed me with PCOS. Starting this year tried 3 cycles of Clomid to no avail. I thought it would be easy. But was so heartbroken that I have cried over it on many days. DH was very supportive. I don't want to burden my mother with this and did not want to talk about this with others. Where I work I see women who come intoxicated while pregnant and have lost custody of their children. It felt like someone kicked me in my gut when this happened. It made me wonder what I had done wrong not to deserve a child. I felt like a bad person for being judgmental. And I have had a lot of friends and acquaintances who were pregnant or had children and felt like a bad person for not being fully happy for them.
Recently I have become more at peace with where I am. I am trying to take this process as it goes. I have told myself I will invest in my career if this does not work out and that me and DH will tour the world ( had planned to do that with our kids)
One my first cycle of IUI with Clomid. Trying to take it a day at a time without drowning in emotions. My goal is to not do an EPT until my beta this time.
As I comically tell others (embracing the nerd in me) "may the force be with you" all.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@nprl this is definitely not an easy thing to go through. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong to be going through this, when it seems like so many others get pregnant so easily. I really feel like it isn't fair. I hope the IUI cycles get you your BFP.

Soverthis · August 2015

This is the loneliest and saddest I have ever been too. It is horrible to have a monthly heartbreak. And then be worrying and thinking about it the rest of the month. We didn't tell anyone we were ttc at first. Then I told my sis and she has been really supportive. I have a couple friends that I have told now. They usually say pretty innapropriate and borderline hurtful things even though they don't realize it. When I was having a really bad day my mom happened to stop by without telling me first. I broke down crying and told her. She told me she had to leave and left. Leaving me standing alone crying in my kitchen. Some people don't take the news well. My hubs and I then told his parents. His mom responded with 'why are you telling us this'. His dad said to not worry it will happen when it is supposed to. It's interesting how people respond. I almost feel like I should hand them a list of what to and not to say when I tell them. I try to remind myself people are not out to hurt us. They just don't know what to say. We have decided not to tell anyone else for now. Try to remember you are not alone. I started Journaling and have found that a helpful way to get out some of my feelings. I also attended a support group. That was kind of helpful but I have not gone back.

kaitlink33 · September 2015

I too feel like this is the loneliest thing I have ever done even with my DH by my side. We are not telling anyone either because well honestly my mother would prefer I finish school and get a decent job and settle into it but I am ready now and have been, and really don't want to wait that long. I have 3 really close friends that know we are trying, but none of them ever ask about how things are going and they are all too busy with their own children to realize how much it hurts me inside to hear them gushing about their kids

and DH told his gram without me knowing and her response was "it will happen when God wants it to" and boy am I sick of hearing that and everything like it. I really just feel like there is a hole inside me and I am missing something (a baby). Some days I just want to bawl all day because I feel like no one understands and DH tells me to "relax" "don't stress so much" and I wish he knew how easy it is to say, but in reality it is sooooo hard to do and that really doesn't help me it just makes me feel more alone because he just doesn't get it.

AdorkablePixie · September 2015

@Soverthis Wow! I can't believe your mom just left and left you there crying. What the hell?! That's so mean. I can't imagine my mom would even do that. Yikes. And his moms response is just rude. You'd think the moms would be the supportive ones!

TheLabyrinth · September 2015

I understand how this is so difficult to talk about. My husband went off BC 4 years ago when I was 25, and have been seeing a fertility doc for over a year. I never would have thought this could happen to me as I have no medical issues at all nor family history. It is so challenging to watch friend after friend have babies. My family has all had kids very easily. Being young feels even more isolating. The only thing keeping me sane is that one of my friends is also having fertility challenges. Unlike her, I have not been very open about the situation and sometimes I'm glad. Some of our friends who have gotten pregnant have been insensitive to her and come across as almost pitying.

Then again, since so many people don't speak up, it's hard to find others who can share your experiences with and lean on for support. If you only have your spouse to talk to, it can sometimes even be more stressful. You have to decide what works for you.

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