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Advice needed

ldmwldmw member
in May 2015 Moms
I would like an unbiased opinion on this. I have separation anxiety when I am away from my baby. Long story short, I was confronted by a family member who rudely demanded I give her my baby to hold. I nicely refused.

IMO, it's my baby and my wishes should be respected. Other side says I need to share because baby is their family member too and don't see baby as often as I do. What do you think? Am I in the wrong? I don't think anyone is entitled to my baby unless it's DH and I.
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Re: Advice needed

  • LadyBloodLadyBlood member
    At the end of the day it's your baby. Be as selfish as you want, especially if the person is rude!! I don't force anyone to hold my baby, but if they ask, I typically hand him over. But there are definitely times when I'm enjoying the snuggles and wouldn't want to pass him off. Just kindly tell them "not right now" if you don't want them holding your baby. Luckily, I don't have this issue often, as all of our family and friends live in different states. Good luck!!
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  • kremerj1kremerj1 member
    Luckily I don't have that much separation anxiety, but of course there is some because we are moms. I would have an issue with someone being rude and forcing me to hand my baby over. It's your decisions and your comfort level that has to be reepected. Maybe next time someone asks you (nicely), try having them sit on the couch and you sit next time.
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  • prplzprplz member
    Ditto! I dont like anyone other than Dh, my mom and my best friend to hold LO. My MIL got offended that i am distrustful even with her that now that i have started working she comes over when i am not at home and leaves before i get home. I dont think your wrong and as pp said be as selfish as you want they are only this tiny for a small period of time. But you should tell them "maybe later" or "when he/she is older you can". I have a cousin who would say just straight out "no, i dont want you to" and some people were very respectful and be encouraging while others werent, but once she 5/6 months my cousin didnt mind at all anymore. So im assuming that once we see our LO more sturdy and a bit more independent the anxiety goes away.
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  • justkeeptryingjustkeeptrying member
    It's well within your right to say no, it is your baby afterall. Especially if the person is rude or demanding. If you don't feel comfortable with someone who has asked to hold LO, then I agree with PP to just say "maybe later". Or "LO needs mom right now". I've definitely done that before.

    Although I don't mind others holding DS, I am very selective about who gets to while he's crying. If he starts to cry my mama urges kick in and I want that baby back to soothe him. I actually get a little annoyed when people try to soothe them himself. I'm happy when they can do it of course and I know it's good for him not to immediately be passed back to mom, but I still struggle with it. Especially when MIL has him and he cries. I just want to snatch him back and make everything better.
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  • danibonellodanibonello member
    You have every right to refuse. There are times when I don't want to give LO up, however, some food for thought....

    My two year old neice screams bloody murder if any of my family tries to come near her. Her parents never let any of us hold her. I've literally held her once in two years. For 2 minutes to get a picture. I decided before I was even pregnant that I wanted LO to be flexible and social. For the most part, I fork baby over anytime family or friends ask. I don't love MIL holding her... or doing anything with her, but I still let her. I've just seen what can happen if babies are never given a chance to be passed around (in a safe, healthy manner), and I don't want to have a clingy, non - adjusted toddler.
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  • HeatherC21HeatherC21 member
    chambersbaby2015 said:



    Although I don't mind others holding DS, I am very selective about who gets to while he's crying. If he starts to cry my mama urges kick in and I want that baby back to soothe him. I actually get a little annoyed when people try to soothe them himself. I'm happy when they can do it of course and I know it's good for him not to immediately be passed back to mom, but I still struggle with it. Especially when MIL has him and he cries. I just want to snatch him back and make everything better.

    OMG this so much! My skin crawls when LO is crying and I'm just standing by watching, especially when they don't listen to what I'm saying. "No she doesn't want to be in the swing and to play with a toy, she is tired and wants to be rocked to sleep." ... Buuut we have gotten to the point where I am the only one that can comfort her. Hoping it is a phase and will pass quickly. But like pp said it could bite you in the butt later.

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  • ali0608ali0608 member
    danibonello said:

    You have every right to refuse. There are times when I don't want to give LO up, however, some food for thought....

    My two year old neice screams bloody murder if any of my family tries to come near her. Her parents never let any of us hold her. I've literally held her once in two years. For 2 minutes to get a picture. I decided before I was even pregnant that I wanted LO to be flexible and social. For the most part, I fork baby over anytime family or friends ask. I don't love MIL holding her... or doing anything with her, but I still let her. I've just seen what can happen if babies are never given a chance to be passed around (in a safe, healthy manner), and I don't want to have a clingy, non - adjusted toddler.

    This is what I was going to say. I would think you don't want your child to be scared to go into any new situation like preschool or dance class, etc. Your child will learn your anxiety. Keep that in mind.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • justkeeptryingjustkeeptrying member
    HeatherC21 said:

    chambersbaby2015 said:



    Although I don't mind others holding DS, I am very selective about who gets to while he's crying. If he starts to cry my mama urges kick in and I want that baby back to soothe him. I actually get a little annoyed when people try to soothe them himself. I'm happy when they can do it of course and I know it's good for him not to immediately be passed back to mom, but I still struggle with it. Especially when MIL has him and he cries. I just want to snatch him back and make everything better.

    OMG this so much! My skin crawls when LO is crying and I'm just standing by watching, especially when they don't listen to what I'm saying. "No she doesn't want to be in the swing and to play with a toy, she is tired and wants to be rocked to sleep." ... Buuut we have gotten to the point where I am the only one that can comfort her. Hoping it is a phase and will pass quickly. But like pp said it could bite you in the butt later.

    YES!!!!! I feel like I now spend half of my life arguing with people saying "No. He doesn't want to play. He's not hungry. He doesn't need his diaper changed. He is TIRED. Stop stimulating him and rock him to sleep!!!!"

    And I agree with PP too. I really don't want a clingy child my whole life. We have friends whose daughter screams every time mom leaves the room. I am sure to let others hold DS when we are out or people are over. Within limits of course. I'm not going to just let him get passed person to person all day long.
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  • DMELDMEL member
    Some others have touched on this but from a psychological standpoint, do you really want your kid to never be held by someone other than her parents? I 100% agree that it's YOUR choice who she is held by and when - but I think it could be damaging to never ever let someone else hold her. It may create an over dependence on you and make LO fearful of being separated if you continue this for the next couple of years. Obviously as a newborn, it's not going to have any long lasting impact.

    And anxieties (including separation) account for 90% of PPD symptomology so you may want to talk to your ob, pedi, or general doc if these feelings persist.
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  • blitzy23blitzy23 member
    It sounds like there are multiple issues here:
    A family member should be trusted and good communication should happen when it comes to your baby. It would probably be good to talk to her and get some things straightened out.

    Separation anxiety is a huge thing, and our hormones and instincts are driving that. The instincts are there for a reason, but we also have to be careful if it becomes overwhelming. Moms should be close and connected with baby, but it should not be to the point of constant upset, anxiety, or depression. I would consider seeking some help to keep that a healthy balance.

    It's important to be able to consider what is best for your baby as well as your own needs and gut feelings. You will likely want him/her to be able to cope and flex in various situations, and if he/she is only held by 2 different people, there will could be some problems down the road for you all.

    No one is entitled to your baby. Your baby is yours-you call the shots.

    I would ask yourself why you don't want anyone holding your baby, and go from there. Is it because you feel upset/scared/sad when you aren't holding him/her? You are scared something will happen? You feel possessive? You don't trust the person wanting to hold him/her? Getting to the root of your fears and feelings will help you to assess how to approach your parenting style and the communication that needs to happen with family members.

    I personally love it when people that I trust hold my baby. There are some people in my life that are sooo good with him, and I love that he gets to feel the love from others, and also interact with a lot of people. He loves the stimulation! There are some people that he just doesn't feel comfortable with, and that is when I do a bit of coaching to that person, play with him while he is in their arms, or simply just take him back and explain that he needs mommy.

    It's also good for me when others hold him. I get refreshed mentally and physically, and can feel like my own person with 2 hands to do whatever it is that I want to do!

    The bottom line is, do some thinking to get to the root of your feelings, and always know that you are mom, and you get to make the decisions regarding your baby.
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  • ldmwldmw member
    Thanks for the advice. I actually let a lot of other family members hold baby and I don't have anxiety when they do. It's just this particular family member and her spouse. They have repeatedly broken my trust and that is why I am so anxious about it.
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