Cheap friend vent session ....

Rach8672 · August 2015

So I met this friend in college and over the years she's slowly drained me for every penny I can spare. Not in the way of borrowing money but the friend that takes constantly without ever giving back !

Last time she came to visit I couldn't pick her up from the train so she had to catch a cab for 12 bucks and then told me I owed her a drink later . Wait a min , since when is this my responsibility to get you to my place !? Then we went out for dinner in a group of 5 and she never threw in her credit card to pay for her share . ... Then we went to a roof top bar and she waved me over when the drinks were ready to pick up the tab. WTH!.? (This is just one occasion out of oh so many)

So anyhow she invited herself to my place this weekend to catch the air and water show. Shes been texting me all day about different prices ie driving and parking , bus routes , cab rides. You are 30 with a good job , you own a house , please quit thinking you can come to Chicago and only spend 30 dollars . Seriously , Wth ?

BTW if this was a friend that actually gives once in a while it would be a completely different story. Is it time to just stop trying to be friends ???

I'd love to hear your mooch friend stories and whether or not you still entertain the friendship ???

ccoleeman · August 2015

It sucks you have a friend acting this way, my best friend from high school was like that for a time, but I drew a line when she was my bridesmaid and said she either had to step up financially or get out of the wedding party (put in a slightly nicer way, but was very clear about it)
Maybe it's just how you wrote this post, but it seems like she does a lot of taking without you drawing any boundaries. When she waves you over to pick up the check, what do you say to her?

Edit to add: my friend didn't end up in the wedding party because of her expectation of me and the other bridesmaids covering everything for her. She was very upset at the time but was so supportive during my wedding day. She worked her ass off over the last year to get a raise and save money better. Now when we hang out she always pays her way, and even offering to pick up the tab. Difficult convos don't always end friendships, they can actually improve them!

Rach8672 · August 2015

That time I put my foot down and said maybe u could pick this round up and we will be even for dinner . I was sooo proud of myself on that one !! However usually I don't say too much, I just don't act super accommodating like I would with other friends.

She's lost other friends over the years because of this because its just rude and inconsiderate ... Let's not even talk about the dating scene. It's kinda like I wish I could lay it out there as far as why third dates don't occur.

ccoleeman · August 2015

I'd try putting your foot down more often and see what happens. The worst case scenario is she stops being your friend, but you guys would've lost the friendship if she kept up that behavior anyway. She probably keeps doing it because no one close to her has expressly told her to stop

cawalp · August 2015

I agree with PP, nobody has probably ever told her that she is acting like she doesn't have to pay for her own stuff. When I go out with friends, we are always offering to cover the other person and sometimes we split it, sometimes one of us takes the bill but we take turns. That's just the polite thing to do when you are an adult/earning money for yourself. She sounds like she needs a reality check.

Knottie1452445632 · August 2015

I agree - either tell her or stop seeing her. I had a friend like this and in the end j decided she wasn't worth it (sounds harsh but she wasn't that good a friend) so after several times of practically spelling it out that she needs to pay her own way and her not changing one bit, I decided just to stop seeing her. I became "busy" and always make excuses. I feel bad in a way as it can't have been nice for her but I decided one day I was no longer willing to be a door mat and pay for her and do favours for empty promises of return - it was costing me (money and energy). I haven't looked back! Sorry that is my take.

CaraBoonie · August 2015

If I had a friend like that, she wouldn't be my friend anymore. It's one thing if I knew she had money troubles, I'd step in and help out (but I still know most of my friends wouldn't FORCE me to pay, in fact, I'd probably have to insist or be stealth about it), but if you know she has a job, she should be able to afford her share of such things. If you don't pay for nice things and experiences, you don't get them.

DaphneMoon1 · August 2015

One of my friends mooches, but in a different way and it's ruined our friendship. In college, I was always responsible for figuring out our plans- where we go, how we get home, etc. My boyfriend and I would rotate being the DD. She never once offered to drive.

As we got older, she would call me to come get her before we would go to weddings, showers, diners, anything. I got to the point that I blew up one time and said, "why don't you come get me so I can drink?" She literally said, "if I have to DD, I'm not going."

This stunned me. I thought I was letting her walk on me. I had no idea she wouldn't come if I didn't take care of her. That was it. I don't ever pick her up anymore and she doesn't bother to ask. We've really grown apart. I still see her at events and we talk and have a good time, but at one point I considered her my best friend. Now I consider he an acquaintance.

If your friendship is becoming a burden, especially if you're feeling used and abused, I think it's time to evaluate how important this person really is. Like others have said, maybe she will value your friendship enough to change her ways, or maybe she will show her true colors and bail. Either way, you'll be better off.

jeanbug12 · August 2015

I had a mooching friend. She used me more for services, like mending clothes, and babysitting.

We got along really well and we're great friends for a while. We had a lot of fun together and I considered her a pretty good friend.

I like to sew and she started bringing me little projects, clothes she wanted mended or things that needed to be fixed. A lot of time she wouldn't even ask before hand, she would just bring it by and say "oh I know you can fix this, I will totally pay you." It was usually quick things and I didn't mind at first. After fixing it paying me would turn into "I will buy you lunch sometime", I never got any of those lunches. After a while, it turned into bigger projects, sewing her son pants, sewing pillow covers for her living room. I genuinely like to help my friends but this was getting annoying and she was so pushy about it!

I would watch her kid on occasion. At one point she was really in a bind and I watched her son 2 times a week for about 2 months. Almost immediately after that time, I was in a bind and needed someone to watch my kids for about 3 hours. I called her and she said "Oh I totally would but I am working!" I scrambled, found someone else to help out and later found out she did not work that day!

I started to realize that this was a really one sided friendship, I was giving a lot, I really didn't ask for much in return but anytime I needed something she was never willing to help out. Looking back, I really can't think of a single nice thing she did for me as a friend. I cut ties quick! And feel so much better without her in my life.

She also borrowed several things from me that I never got back. Now that we don't really speak I am pretty sure I will never see them again, oh well! That felt good to vent about her!

Maybe tell her you would love to see her when she comes in town but say you have some stuff going on and ask that she find someplace else to stay! Don't be as available to drive her where ever she wants to go and just meet up to hang out. If she changes her mind and doesn't come, it will save you the headache. Or maybe she will realize what a mooch she has been, pay her own way and you guys will have a good time!

KaraEpp16 · August 2015

@DaphneMoon1 she sounds like an alcoholic. That's a shitty wake up call in a friendship. I'm glad you've distanced yourself...even though it probably seems really bizarre.

ashin121 · August 2015

In pharmacy school, we started with a big group of friends in the first year. As the years went on we weeded those type of people out. We had one guy in our group who mooched off everything... Homework, projects, drinks etc. The people in our group mainly consisted of people always fighting for the bill, sharing, looking out for each other and taking care of each other. That guy got kicked out of our group after 2 years. We don't deal with people like that.. It's just a burden and brings in alot of negativity.

Rach8672 · August 2015

We shall see how this visit goes ... I'm almost positive she will find a way to have me pay for enough to reimburse her transit here ! If not I will be shocked. I think this could be a really good thing or a shame on me moment . I think you ladies are right .. I need to have the convo or just step away. I'm guessing once our LO s arrive we just won't have time to be bothered with this type of friendship.

essentialpeace · August 2015

DaphneMoon1 said:
One of my friends mooches, but in a different way and it's ruined our friendship. In college, I was always responsible for figuring out our plans- where we go, how we get home, etc. My boyfriend and I would rotate being the DD. She never once offered to drive.

As we got older, she would call me to come get her before we would go to weddings, showers, diners, anything. I got to the point that I blew up one time and said, "why don't you come get me so I can drink?" She literally said, "if I have to DD, I'm not going."

This stunned me. I thought I was letting her walk on me. I had no idea she wouldn't come if I didn't take care of her. That was it. I don't ever pick her up anymore and she doesn't bother to ask. We've really grown apart. I still see her at events and we talk and have a good time, but at one point I considered her my best friend. Now I consider he an acquaintance.

If your friendship is becoming a burden, especially if you're feeling used and abused, I think it's time to evaluate how important this person really is. Like others have said, maybe she will value your friendship enough to change her ways, or maybe she will show her true colors and bail. Either way, you'll be better off.

-------

I know someone similar except her response to being the driver for once was, "But then I won't have fun." So if your saying drinking = fun and I have driven for years, you obviously care nothing about whether or not I have fun.

** FTR: I don't need to drink to have fun. Obviously she did! =\

claireloSC · August 2015

I would probably say something about why the behavior wasn't working and give her a chance to fix things, if you're pretty close. For someone who I'm not as close with I would probably just cut off the friendship. It's just not worth it to have "friends" like this. I don't have that many close friends but the ones I do are friends for life. If someone is negatively affecting your life they aren't a friend.

Berry502 · August 2015

Whoa! Wow- this "friend" needs to go! If you are on here, I am assuming you are pregnant. A friend coming to visit when you are pregnant should understand your situation and not put burdens on you. Her behavior towards you at this time is a big indicator of your importance in her life. It's hard at first to get rid of them,but these people hurt you more than you realize. You need to lose this friend.

l4rk · August 2015

I have never had this happen to me but I do have a friend who is "expensive" and always wants to spend money. I literally can't hang out with her without her finding ways to spend money, like $50+, needing to go to a fancy restaurant for lunch and then the movies, then out for drinks, etc. In your case, I would probably just say, "It's totally cool for you to come and crash, but just a heads up that I can't spend money this weekend because I need to save." This strategy actually didn't work with my own friend so we have drifted apart, but I gave her several chances to be my friend within a budget, and she disregarded that and therefore my friendship. Anyway, I think that's an easy non-confrontational way to say you aren't paying for her.

thebeefamily · August 2015

I had a friend like this all of last year and I cut it off a few months back. Her biggest mooching issue came down to food which I hate to say because I'm plus size myself, but the way this girl ate was like 6 starving lumberjacks. It was horrific to watch and she would NEVER buy food it was always on me whenever we went out. No way was I going to foot that bill for the rest of my life.

I did speak with her about the issue and it stopped for a little bit, but then picked up again. Then I found out she was going behind my back telling people personal things I relayed to her. That was enough for me.

Some people can only provide parasitic once-sided relationships and they're best removed from your life ASAP. Don't feel bad for standing up for yourself.

Rach8672 · August 2015

Soo update ! Trip wasn't too bad but I did have to nudge her on a few occassiobs to actually pay for herself for parking and tolls etc.. Lol she was leaving my house and was like oh I don't have any cash now because I paid you for brunch (wow , congratulations, you paid for your own meal ) . I offered up some cash for tolls then she said she had no cash to pay for her parking . I said there's a bank on the corner ! Then she got into the convo on ATM fees and having to pay two fees for not going to her home bank. I pretty much told her it's only 4 dollars ! I officially survived the weekend without getting screwed (score!)

Did I mention how long it took her to get out her wallet at brunch , SMH.

I will most likely not be initiating anymore get togethers :

abbi1995 · August 2015

I've never had a friend like this that I can think of but that's mainly because I put my foot down before I get screwed over. I don't play that game. Glad you survived the weekend! @Rach8672

mvhyde · August 2015

This seems so weird... Just as an etiquette thing. When I visit friends, stay at their homes, eat at their homes from food they prepare I feel obliged to buy at least one dinner or at least offer to buy and cook a meal at home. Or if it's a really short visit, we would bring a gift, like for a dinner party, like wine or something.

The only people this doesn't apply to is when we visit my mom or the in-laws. They still see us as their kids, I think, and my mom would not accept me paying for dinner. I try to sneak in groceries whenever I can, just to alleviate my guilt.

Rach8672 · August 2015

I know its just sooo inconsiderare. I think i had my fill. I almost freaked out when she told me she couldnt download an app to pay the meter because she didnt want to use up data. (Does anyone really run out of data anymore?)
The level of cheapness is unreal , once when I visited her I asked if I could borrow some sunscreen because I forgot mine and she said she didn't have enough . I said OK no problem, I'll just stop at CVS. Im sure she just didn't want to share. That same day she argued with the sandwich shop about 75 cents added to her sandwich price. There are so many little things that add up , it makes me feel crazy for being friends.

Trust me I would feel different if she was a friend that had legit money problems (shes a professional engineer) or any other friend that actually gave back to the relationship.

Throwing in the towel , feeling better post vent session !

willashbaby · August 2015

Seriously, why would you tolerate someone like this in your life? I just could not, no way. I have a few friends who are a little funky when we go out, and that's just about tipping, so I always immediately ask for a separate check so I'm not stuck with their cheap asses for tipping.

nlwz123 · August 2015

Rach8672 said:

So I met this friend in college and over the years she's slowly drained me for every penny I can spare. Not in the way of borrowing money but the friend that takes constantly without ever giving back ! Last time she came to visit I couldn't pick her up from the train so she had to catch a cab for 12 bucks and then told me I owed her a drink later . Wait a min , since when is this my responsibility to get you to my place !? Then we went out for dinner in a group of 5 and she never threw in her credit card to pay for her share . ... Then we went to a roof top bar and she waved me over when the drinks were ready to pick up the tab. WTH!.? (This is just one occasion out of oh so many) So anyhow she invited herself to my place this weekend to catch the air and water show. Shes been texting me all day about different prices ie driving and parking , bus routes , cab rides. You are 30 with a good job , you own a house , please quit thinking you can come to Chicago and only spend 30 dollars . Seriously , Wth ? BTW if this was a friend that actually gives once in a while it would be a completely different story. Is it time to just stop trying to be friends ??? I'd love to hear your mooch friend stories and whether or not you still entertain the friendship ???

Wow. I would definitely say something and NOT pay for things even if she puts you in an awkward position. You need to be the person to stop shelling out money for someone that doesn't necessarily deserve it. In my opinion, hell no I wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

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