Boundaries: how's it going + a rant

hcook321 · August 2015

So I know we tackled this subject to death... Now that many of you have your squishy, adorable LOs, I'm wondering how the boundaries and expectations you've set up with your families as far as L&D updates and home visits have gone thus far?

RANT- I'm still a week from my DD, but concerned by my family's recent uptick in craziness over baby. My aunt texted me the other day to say she was coming to visit and stay overnight in October- not ask, just tell... so that's cool? Not. Then MIL yesterday telling DH and I she is planning a "Baby, Bocce, Beer" party for friends in September, once again, not ask but telling us what she's doing. Not sure how that will work because I'm not letting her friends pass my baby around without him having vaccination first, especially at the beginning of flu season too. She's just doing it because her friend who has a 5mo grandbaby is coming from Switzerland to visit and she's having a "sip and see" tomorrow. I just want to hibernate with DH and LO when he comes until I have to go back to work! Sort of, kind of, jk

ETA- also annoyed because BIL told us today that MIL was bitching to her friends about our setting expectations emails about L&D and visits. The email was sent to all parents but she somehow decided in her mind it was all geared at her and has been butthurt since but plays fake and sinks FIL on us to complain that she's upset. Argh!

ginger8484 · August 2015

I just straight up tell people how I feel because I don't have time for drama. I'm trying to heal and enjoy our little family. If people don't respect you then make healthy boundaries. The only person I'm having a problem with is my mil. She doesn't get it ,and I had to go off on her once again, so making boundaries is good . also, letting them know there place is an option too. :-)
Hope all goes well for you . Totally understand where you are coming from. Some people just are excited to see baby, but everyone will get over it because you the mother .

usernameneededallaretaken · August 2015

My mother threw a bossy fit in the hospital for not being allowed in the delivery room. We even had nurses kick people out for a good bit of labor, so that pissed her off, too. She brought an overnight bag into the room at 3 AM when she got to the hospital. When LO was finally born at 8:40 PM, she made a big deal of grabbing her bag and leaving. I didn't hold my son until midnight that night for various reasons. Mother has made a point to bring up that they (grandparents) "didn't even get to hold him" the day he was born.

It was nice to come home without a following and to be able to figure out our first couple nights on our own. After which, I invited mother to come stay a couple days. It worked out wonderfully.

MouseMama817 · August 2015

We haven't delivered yet but the boundaries we planned on setting are already out the window. DH and I decided that after 2 days of open visitation in the hospital, we would like 3 days at home just the 3 of us to get to know our LO and to establish a routine with her before we allowed visitors to start coming over again. This was the best solution I could think of to satisfy my anxiety of learning my newborns needs while my in-laws hover over me and interfere. I set the rule with my family and they were totally understanding. Last week, Hubby finally has the conversation with MIL but somehow forgets the timeline we'd discussed! He told her we wanted to have just HALF of the day to ourselves when we get home from the hospital that first day. Half a day is a few hours, guys. His mom had a total fit. She said "NO NO NO that's not how things are done! I don't even want to tell your father this. He's going to be SO offended.." Calm the f*ck down lady! Not that the timeline your son gave you is AT ALL correct, but if it was, think about this: You will have just spent the last 2 days visiting the baby in the hospital and we're telling you you're welcome to come back over that night to see her again. All we'd be asking for is a few hours to ourselves to get settled at home. And you can't respect that? I just can't even with this woman. When I told DH that we'd discussed 3 days, not half a day, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown. He said there was no way he could tell her 3 days when she wouldn't even accept half a day. So now my boundaries are out the window and I'm basically going to have no alone time with my LO to establish a routine. The first few days will likely be filled with my MIL hovering over me, trying to tell me how to parent, and making me feel inadequate. Yay for family.

candicejeff2013 · August 2015

Why is it that parents seem to forget what it's like to have a newborn? And that respecting your child's time & decision is the best support you can give them in this transition phase. What bothered me was that my parents and in-laws wanted to come down to TX once baby Q is born but no one wanted to settle on specific dates. And mind you they are all staying in my house (and my parents are divorced). I would try to schedule a week for them and they would just say "oh as soon as she's born we will come down" ...ok. Youre right having a house full of 6 adults, a newborn and a dog is gonna be real awesome. "Soooo which one of you is staying in a hotel ???? I'll let you all talk amongst yourselves...chao"

hcook321 · August 2015

@messymolly08 my mom had a similar reaction back in May when I told her what I expected, visitation-wise. Her situation is a bit different though because she lives in another state, we got that all smoothed out quickly and she's been super cool. Now that DH sent the email about L&D and visiting (which largely applies to everyone), MIL is just butthurt but hasn't told us once, we've heard it all through the grapevine. Ugh. I'm sorry to hear how your MIL reacted. It's tough because you certainly want them to be a part of your new chapter but you need to be comfortable. I'm just glad to have my DH because I know he's strong enough to speak up for what I need. I hope you have the same support when the time comes, and I'm sure having your LO will make your DH a little more outspoken towards his parents. Good luck, momma!

emmacake08 · August 2015

Well just remember that you're the gatekeeper to baby, so there's only so much they can do. Try not to get caught up in their brand of crazy and just focus on yourselves. They have all the time and energy to email, call, and obsess over how they're being treated while you have WAY better things to do. I would be hella annoyed too but at least in these situations, you have LO in the end. It's amazing how self centered people can be.

nakoppel · August 2015

I was never even allowed to set boundries except with my own family. My mom simply asked what do I and DH want and she and the fam will do their best to stick with it. When she says do their best she isn't trying to be evasive it's because they are coming from out of town and we live on a military base so we may need to go get them at times or whatever. But a bunch of plans were made without asking me, you know the woman pushing the baby out. For example, we are having our best friends here the 25-1 and their baby and they will be staying with us. I'm thrilled they are coming I just wish they weren't staying at the house. When LO is approximately 3 weeks old (assuming he comes on time) DH is going on a three day business trip he absolutely did not HAVE to take. The weekend after that we are geating my step daughter. This I am actually absolutely thrilled with and I'm so excited for her to meet her little brother. And her mom was very nice about making sure we had enough time to settle in. However, that same weekend my mother-in law has informed us (not ask just told) she will be coming with my felon older brother in law.... I just wanted special family time with DS and DSD but now I have to deal with that craziness. So basically I won't get peace until September is over.

Bickey11 · August 2015

Lemme guess this is your first. Lighten up. Seriously

hcook321 · August 2015

@Bickey11 Yep. This actually is my first. So forgive me for being a little nervous as to how I'm going to handle being a new mom. It's not like we never said we couldn't have family ever come visit, etc. I'm also a very private person and like having my space in general.

tfdotgov · August 2015

Personally, I want just my husband and I at the hospital. I have only "set boundaries" with my family, which isnt really necessary because they are understnding and respect what i want. DH family has this crazy notion that they will be in the waiting room the whole time, (even if it's 2 In the morning). I dont really know his family too well, because my husband isnt really close to them, so its weird for me that they want to be so close. I am very personal, and I want to just enjoy this special, intimate time with DH. They wont be in the room, but I dont want to think of them at all while im in labor. if they are there I will feel obligated to constantly keep them posted and when baby finally comes out, if I dont really want guests I dont have to do the dreaded and ask people to leave... especially if they've been waiting there for hours. We will make a courtesy call letting everyone know baby has arrived and we will let them know when we are ready for visitors. I understand that it might seem a bit rude to not let the in-laws know the plan... but they are difficult and a bit selfish. My MIL acted like a 2 year old when i told her I didnt want a baby shower.. she would act even crazier if we told her we would like to hold off on visitors for a couple of days. If we call after the babe has arrived then whats done is done. I want to estalish good breastfeeding habits ASAP, I feel in order to be successful at breastfeeding, baby and i need to learn each other and would rather not pass her around in those important first days. DH feels very strongly about spending our first days togther as a family too, so I really scored with him.

MouseMama817 · August 2015

@tfdotgov You're very fortunate your hubby is on the same page as you! Mine said he was but put up no fight whatsoever when his mom starting fighting him on our attempts to set boundaries with them. He tried explaining to me that it's because they come from a different culture where having babies is all about including your family and that they don't understand why I wouldn't want them here right away. Sorry, but accommodating someone else's culture shouldn't be my problem when I'm trying to get to know my baby. [-X

The only reason I backed down was because I don't want him to feel like he gets no say in this whole process and I don't want to become a tyrant. And also because we decided that as a consolation, my mom will come stay with us for the first few days. She'll be a good buffer, plus she loves to cook/clean so I know she'll be an actual resource to me during that time.

MouseMama817 · August 2015

@hcook321 Thank you

I think grandparents are a very important part of a child's life so I want them as involved as (appropriately) possible, but I am just like you when it comes to wanting my privacy and needing boundaries in place to feel comfortable. I'm just glad that at least my side of the family understands this about me. I only have to deal w/ his crazies lol.

Hubby and I had a major heart to heart after that where I told him how much stress and anxiety his mom is causing me, that I feel disrespected, and that I will never have my first child ever again whereas his mother had her turn 3 times over already. Needless to say he sees my side of things now and while we are going forward w/ the "altered" visitation plan, he called her up and told her how things will be going forward. He's a really great guy with a huge heart. He just gets so caught up in trying to make everyone happy at once. But I agree with you; I think LO's arrival will change that about him!

pabeybaby · August 2015

tfdotgov said:
Personally, I want just my husband and I at the hospital. I have only "set boundaries" with my family, which isnt really necessary because they are understnding and respect what i want. DH family has this crazy notion that they will be in the waiting room the whole time, (even if it's 2 In the morning). I dont really know his family too well, because my husband isnt really close to them, so its weird for me that they want to be so close. I am very personal, and I want to just enjoy this special, intimate time with DH. They wont be in the room, but I dont want to think of them at all while im in labor. if they are there I will feel obligated to constantly keep them posted and when baby finally comes out, if I dont really want guests I dont have to do the dreaded and ask people to leave... especially if they've been waiting there for hours. We will make a courtesy call letting everyone know baby has arrived and we will let them know when we are ready for visitors. I understand that it might seem a bit rude to not let the in-laws know the plan... but they are difficult and a bit selfish. My MIL acted like a 2 year old when i told her I didnt want a baby shower.. she would act even crazier if we told her we would like to hold off on visitors for a couple of days. If we call after the babe has arrived then whats done is done. I want to estalish good breastfeeding habits ASAP, I feel in order to be successful at breastfeeding, baby and i need to learn each other and would rather not pass her around in those important first days. DH feels very strongly about spending our first days togther as a family too, so I really scored with him.

I'm pretty much going through this too, except with my own parents. My mom wants to be right in the middle of everything and if she can't get her way she has a fit. Plus both my parents are know-it-alls, and they'll drive me crazy.
Hubby and I decided we aren't telling anyone when we go to the hospital, and we'll be calling later on when we're ready for visitors. I don't need people in and out of the room the whole time I'm laboring, or waiting outside the door. My in laws aren't speaking to each other currently so idk what's going to happen there. Oh well not my problem. I just hope they don't bring their issues to the hospital later on.

tfdotgov · August 2015

This is our day, our special memory! We should have it as close to what we want as possile! The people in our lives are really excited and its understandable, but we have to stay strong with our decisions and at some point forget aout hurting feelings.Don't know if this is your first but since this will be my first, i feel i am entitled to want this to be as close to perfect as I can get it.... whew, in no way am I expectig a perfect birth, but I have dreamt of this experience since I was a little girl.... WAY more than the perfect wedding lol! Once your LO comes, im sure your in-laws will let go of what is getting to them and celebrte you and your husbands hapiness. It will all work out in the end. What matters is your happiness.

ChanelLovesB · August 2015

My mom just asked AGAIN could she come to the hospital for the induction after we said it could be long, painful, and complicated & we would prefer it be just DH and I. I just have no clue what to say. I'm over talking about it

l0vejessi · August 2015

I am having a hard time coping with the fact that I can't control every part of this pregnancy and labor so I find myself obsessing over how things will go after he is born. I get anxiety over thinking about my mom and MIL trying to tell me how to parent or taking over. And just my little family not getting the alone time to process this by ourselves and learn to be a family....but I have to remember that there will be a time when the help won't be as available. and things will calm down and we will make our routine in time. Everyone is excited to see and help and meet baby and for that fact we are lucky! I just had my mom surprise us by coming in town and showing up at our house thursday(she lives 3 hrs away) because she was convinced he was coming this weekend! I'm due Aug 30. But DH told me that I need to see the positive and stop getting so upset when the plan in my head doesn't go as I imagined because its never going to go as imagined. We need to be calm and enjoy these moments, when the time comes and you feel the need to step in and say something then do it. But don't stress yourself out NOW over what may or may not happen later.

P.s. I have no idea who this calm minded, easy going person who has taken over my body is. This just happened today and its freaking me out. I've been a complete nutzo control freak imagining every scenario for the last month and I woke up today with a sense of calm that I have been wishing for but didn't think was possible. So I'm sorry if the calm nature of this post pisses you off because a week ago it would have made me lose it.

hcook321 · August 2015

@l0vejessi totally get it, not po'd at all. I keep trying to tell myself and telling my husband to remind me that it's all because we have a wonderful family and friends who care so much about us and baby. We are very lucky to have a support system and things will never be perfect. I also try to remind myself that maybe I will feel differently when LO comes. Who knows? Thank you for the perspective

kelseyrayay · August 2015

I love having people over especially my mom she lets me get naps while she watches my son. It's so nice.

louisianabeachbelle · August 2015

I don't understand why it's a big deal if a FTM wants privacy or not to get bullied into doing something she doesn't want to.

My body, my baby. You can't deal with my rules, bye! I don't want anyone at the hospital. When we get home, sure! But you better call or text... and if I say no, deal with it. My son will be here for (God willing) many many years. Y'all can wait to let all of us heal and get adjusted a few days.

mkeip · August 2015

This is basically me except I know my husband's family well. My mil texted me that they want to be in the waiting room and will spend the night and then laid it on thick how my Sil (not her daughter) let her do that for her birth last year. Well for one, my Sil family is out of state and she has no mother anymore, and 2 I'm private and independent and my Sil is very dependant and child like. I'm only having my mom and dh in the room and my father and sister will wait in waiting room. My son is named after My father and My sis is the godmother. My husband actually prefers this arrangement as well as he is very close with my family, esp my father. We will not be texting my husband's side until baby is here and then we will say when we want visitors. And again, my husband prefers this. His family annoys him a lot lol

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