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April 2016 Moms
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Advice please: when to tell stepkids

AEG84AEG84 member
in April 2016 Moms
So, DH and I have talked a couple of times about when we'd like to tell his kids (my stepsons) that we are expecting. They are 15, 13 and 6. I'm fairly certain that the older two will be excited; not sure about the younger one. He has been the baby his whole life and his mom treats him like he still is one (sleeps in bed with her, has zero responsibility, etc...that's a thread for another time, ha!). However, he does love babies in general so he may still be excited. Oh, they do live with us half the time (week on/week off) and I have a pretty good relationship with all of them.

DH wants to wait until second trimester to say anything. I get where he is coming from (fear of loss), but I also would rather tell them a bit earlier, for a few reasons...

First, I feel like it will be challenging to hide. I've already had a fair amount of morning sickness, light headedness, and fatigue, and I've been super emotional. I'm also obviously not drinking now where I used to have a couple of drinks a week before, including at a restaurant we eat at on a regular basis with the kids, where I have always ordered a beer. I think they will notice that.

Second, we are planning to tell my parents in early September, when I'll be about 8-9 weeks. They are leaving the country for a month, so we're going to surprise them for grandparents day before they leave. I would LOVE to either tell the kids right before and have them be part of that announcement, or tell them at the same time.

Third, while I don't want to tell them yet, I don't really see the big issue if something were to happen between the 8-12 week mark. Yes, a loss would be tough on them as well. But that's kind of part of life and I would rather they grow up knowing this kind of thing happens, than be super surprised to discover how common miscarriage is when they are adults.

I'm obviously not going to dictate to DH what we will do, or tell the boys earlier than we agree upon. But I'd love some opinions and feedback, and advice on how to talk to DH if anyone can recommend talking points!
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Re: Advice please: when to tell stepkids

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    roadspeckleroadspeckle member
    We didn't tell DSD until after 12 weeks with my DS. I didn't want her to be upset about a loss for one, and for two, I didn't want her running back and telling her Mom before we had a chance to tell her when we were ready. It's all about personal preference. We won't be telling her after 12 weeks with this baby, either.
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    AEG84AEG84 member
    That's a good point. I don't particularly care if their mom finds out, but DH might. She and I don't have much of a relationship yet (until two months ago, they lived an hour away from us and I had only met her once!).

    If you don't mind me asking, how old is your DSD? How is your relationship with her? I have a few friends with DSD's and it just seems so much more challenging with girls than with boys, on average!
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    roadspeckleroadspeckle member
    @AEG84, DSD is almost 6. We have a very close relationship - DH and I have been together since she was almost 3. She calls me
    Mommy, and she adores her brother and is a big help. I do worry about how things will be when the kids live here full time and she has to go home. :/
    I also used to worry how it would be for DS when DSD went home and he was left behind with nobody...
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    AEG84AEG84 member
    Aw, that's awesome! Our youngest called me that once, but I think he was a little confused about what he was supposed to call me after DH and I got married LOL. We had a conversation about how he could call me whatever but didn't need to call me mommy just because we got married and it hasn't happened since. He's a big mama's boy though like I already mentioned so not surprising.

    I worry about that as well - DH is pretty set on one kid but I guess we'll see. I wouldn't mind a second.
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    TKaiser91TKaiser91 member
    I don't have any step children. But I am a step child. Both parents remarried. So maybe I can help from their perspective. When I was in middle school my mom and step dad talked about having kids. They never did because he didn't want anymore but I remember hearing their discussions and my stepsister and I always thought it would be really cool to have a little sibling ( her and I are the same age). We had grown up being the youngest of two/ and an only child so we wanted another little one around the house. I know it's different in your situation but that was what I remembered growing up so wanted to put it out there at least. As for advice...I would maybe tell them before the grandparents so they can help with the surprise. Maybe talk to your DH about it and spin it off like they can help make t-shirts saying big brothers or helping you to find a little grandparents day gift, and with the boys helping they'll feel included in the pregnancy and not just on the sidelines. It's sounds harsher than I mean I'm sorry. I just don't know how else to phrase it. Good luck though! Curious to know what happens!
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    AEG84AEG84 member
    @tkaiser91 thank you for sharing your perspective! I would love to do something like that and include the boys. I'll try bringing up that idea next time we talk about it. We have our first scan on Monday so maybe if that goes well he will be feeling more open to it!
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    TKaiser91TKaiser91 member
    That's a good idea to bring it up after something positive like that! Good luck!
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    ekneippekneipp member
    I have two step daughters. At the time we told them we were pregnant with our first, who is almost a year old, they were 12 and 16. We told them just a few days after we found out, they told their mom nut that was fine with us. They were super excited about it and we involved them as much as possible. Being girls it might be different than boys too. It was easy to get them excited about baby showers and clothes :) We had a miscarriage in May and had told them about that pregnancy pretty quickly too, so they sort of walk through some of the grief with us. Because of that, we are waiting for our first appointment this time to make sure all looks good. We just don't want to put them through another roller coaster that quickly again. The oldest both times has been the more excited one and I think that's partially due to the same thing you mentioned, the youngest has always been the baby of the family. But she adores her little brother and actually is a little possesive of him around bigger sister since she spends th most time with him. I think it's cute. Hopefully you find something that works well for you guys. There may be feelings and emotions to work through but I bet he ends up loving the idea of being a protective big brother who can teach his younger sibling all about life :)
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    AEG84AEG84 member
    @ekneipp did you do anything fun to tell them? Or just dinner table conversation "hey guess what" style?
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    ekneippekneipp member
    It was actually Christmas a couple years ago so we joked about a present they couldn't open for 8 more months, that was for our son. For the baby we miscarried we came up with a fun little riddle for them to figure out, they loves those kinds of things (they like to have clues and hunt for presents). This go around, I think we'll just flat out tell them but they are going to be a part of our public announcement :)
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