Stepmothers-- Telling your husband's ex

mb0112 · August 2015

I think we have a few other stepmothers on here and I'm curious how you are planning to tell your stepchild's mother about your pregnancy. Or, if you've already done that, how did it go?

My stepdaughter is going to excited when she finds out (probably next week after our first appt) and is sure to tell her mother unless we beat her to it. My gut says my husband should give her a heads up in an email after we tell SD but before we send SD to BM's house. She has been dumped by a few boyfriends since their divorce and although she is currently dating someone I think she will be jealous and rude about it, so I am dreading her reaction. For example, he always pays child support on time (but won't dole out money to her on top of that because he is not supposed to) and when we got engaged and he politely gave her the heads up, she responded with "I don't know how you can afford a diamond if you can't pay me for camp." Ugh.

CCLow87 · August 2015

I'm trying to figure out how to tell my ex-husband (we have two kids together) or if I need to at all. It was an abusive relationship and it honestly gives me severe anxiety.

smccorkill · August 2015

Aw I'm sorry you're in that situation-- that sounds tough! I have no experience with this but I was just wondering-- do you think this is your husbands responsibility to tell her since it was his past relationship? What with the pregnancy and all the emotions etc. I don't really see why you should have to tell her, I feel as if that would be awkward and difficult for you!

Stormiewinter · August 2015

I am not a step mom but my parents divorced and it was not amicable. Long story short I would definitely give her mom a heads up (seems like a good job for your dh) for two reasons. 1. Sd might be excited for you guys but anxious about telling her mom and how she will react.
2. Even if she is excited to tell her mom it sounds like you anticipate a poor reaction and you wouldn't want your sd to bear the brunt of that.

mb0112 · August 2015

smccorkill said:
Aw I'm sorry you're in that situation-- that sounds tough! I have no experience with this but I was just wondering-- do you think this is your husbands responsibility to tell her since it was his past relationship? What with the pregnancy and all the emotions etc. I don't really see why you should have to tell her, I feel as if that would be awkward and difficult for you!

@smccorkill Yes totally agree it won't be me doing the telling! I stay out of their interactions but we will decide together how it should be done.

@Stormiewinter good reasoning. SD is only 6 and I don't think she'd be anxious about telling BM, more likely to just excitedly say something about it, but you never know what mixed feelings she might have.

I think timing it right would help-- our appt is Monday and we will have SD Tuesday so we thought about telling her then, but that means telling BM right before she goes back there Wednesday. Maybe better to wait til Friday, since we have SD all weekend next weekend. Tell SD Friday, email BM after, giving her time to let out her potential nastiness on someone else all weekend before seeing SD (and my husband at the drop off) on Monday??

That is, assuming all goes well at appt. Hopefully BM will surprise us by being pleasant and happy that her daughter will get to be a big sister.

@CCLow87 I'm sorry you're in a tough spot! Do your kids spend time with your ex? If not, I don't think you owe it to him to tell him, at least no time soon.

lindscnn1 · August 2015

I wouldn't be worried about how she'll take it. On the money aspect of it, do you have any other children besides the one in the oven? I ask because the cost of raising children isn't only the child support times 2. It is common and courteous for both parents to split the cost of other stuff such as camp, braces, school clothes, supplies, etc. Child support payments are to cover some of the everyday basics, not the extras. So I can understand the bio mom's frustrations as far as that goes. Just try to put yourself in her shoes and be understanding. I personally get along with my oldest dd step mother better than I do my ex. Luckily for me, my dd is 18 now so I don't have to deal with it anymore

mb0112 · August 2015

@lindscnn1 thanks for the other perspective. It's hard not to worry how she'll take it because I just don't want any negativity directed at me/us when it is supposed to be a happy time.

I don't have other kids, this is our first. We do contribute money to clothes, food, activities, paying higher rent to have an extra bedroom in the house, an expensive family insurance plan to cover SD, etc. BM makes an equal salary to his, yet he still pays a lot child support, and then she is responsible for budgeting that towards things like camp, daycare, etc. That is supposed to include her contributing a good chunk of her own income to support her child, but we always see signs of her splurging in other ways...

lindscnn1 · August 2015

She sounds like she is bitter in general. You've said she's been through a few relationships so my guess is she is jealous of you and your hubby. Hopefully she will be mature and be cordial even if she's not thrilled. How is she towards you when you talk to her? Maybe she would take the news better from you, she might feel like when your husband tells her things he's "rubbing it in".

mb0112 · August 2015

Yes I think jealousy is a big part of it. I've only had one long talk with her and she was very nice to me, but her nonsense towards my husband continued so I just avoid interacting with her. Maybe a quick hello at some of the drop offs. I don't think she has a personal complaint against me, but is just unhappy that he was able to move on before she was. We keep hoping she gets a boyfriend that sticks around, as I think that would help the attitude.

It would be odd at this point for me to reach out with the news since I never call/email her, so I think it's best for him to do it but in a very to-the-point way, like "FYI we are having a baby and told SD this weekend. She is very excited so you might hear about it". Part of me wants to just let SD tell her because that's what she would do if the tables were turned, but I don't think that is the right thing to do.

+Silver+ · August 2015

I am not someone that feels as though I need to tell my stepchild's mother that we are expecting. Unfortunately, our situation turned toxic and violent, so we are not even telling our stepchild. If things were more like they use to be, I still wouldn't tell their mom. When we got engaged, I showed the stepchild the ring and they decided to tell their mother. She didn't do anything but act strange. We were on much better terms back then though.

When the BM finds out about this baby, all hell will break loose. I'm fully expecting that she will yank us back to court.

That said, our situation isn't normal. If the stepchild is young, and the relationship reasonable between everyone, I would say something simply because the child may act out when their sibling is born.

I like your idea of telling SD during the weekend you have her. That gives you all the chance to see how she reacts and talk up the baby.

Hullabaloo2016 · August 2015

@mb0112 Your SD bio mom sounds very similar to mine. She called one night to discuss some of SD's recent attitude and behavior and he was talking to her about how we may not be able to pay for the club volleyball team that she wants to play for. We pay $420 child support + $80 extra just because DH is a nice guy and decided 10 years ago to round up to help her out a bit, he has bought her a vacuum, tv, portable ac, a car and many other items to help her out, we pay 100% of volleyball, medical, braces and school lunches, we just paid for all her school supplies and school clothes. Even though SD has been behaving this way for quite awhile and we had "family meetings" so everybody was on the same page BEFORE we got pregnant, all of a sudden she is acting out because of the baby. But when we talk to SD, she is happy, wants a little sister but even if it is a bit she is going to dress him up like a little girl, she wanted to go to the ultrasound, she said she will like being "just a big sister" because she is literally her mom's overnight daycare 3 nights a week and feels overwhelmed by the pressure to help raise her mom's little boy. Oh that's right her single mom got knocked up by her ex (they were already exes at the time) that put her already broke ass down a financial drain, but how dare 2 working adults that combined make a very decent living plan and try for a child for 2 years. The nerve! Yeah, pretty sure SD isn't the one acting out because of the baby, she's just being a self centered teen, annoying and frustrating but totally normal. Then when we announced publicly on Facebook, all of a sudden she is texting DH that she is refiling CS because she thinks he should be paying her more. She owes us $1000's for her share of volleyball and braces. She said, and this is a direct quote, "I'll pay you back when you have to start paying me more." Funny thing, when she actually did the child support work sheet, she would only get $336 a month. She hasn't said anything about it since.

So yeah, I don't think she is taking it very well. 2 points to add 1. We used to work together and she set me and DH up! 2. She knew about our miscarriages and bugged my DH for months to be our SURROGATE!

lockettlady · August 2015

I think it depends on your relationship with them.

I'm not a stepmother, but my daughter has a stepmother and we get along great. We told DD the day we found out and I knew she would tell her dad and stepmom. Turns out that they had been trying and she had a lot of questions. When I went to pick DD up from her dad's (she spends the summer there) we all went out to dinner and I tried to help her with some of the questions about TTC. We have boys the same age, so they played while we spoke. I think overall it is great to have another supportive mother in my daughter's life and when the new LO comes, it will give DD a place to go to get a break from all of the babies if she needs it.

Knottie1456889319 · August 2015

Well, when my husband gave his ex wife a "heads up" that we were getting married she told the kids before he got a chance to..which was not the way we wanted it to happen and made it very difficult for them.

So we are not telling the kids until after my ultrasound next week at 11.5 weeks and then if they will tell their mom and we don't feel there is anything wrong with that.

She is completely manic so I am sure she will go crazy but we are focused on our family and our future and I have no interest in worrying about her toxic behavior.

jess9802 · August 2015

Why would you tell her? The communication needs to be between your husband and his ex.

When I was pregnant with DS, my husband told my SS pretty early in the pregnancy, but he did not tell his ex-wife. At some point my SS mentioned it to her, but she and DH never talked about it until DS was about six months old. (I did not necessarily agree with this approach, but it was not my call.) This time around, SS again knows about the pregnancy but I don't think DH feels like it's his ex's business at all.

kmac311 · August 2015

We told my SD together and then my husband discussed it with his ex. That way she was in the loop if SD started acting out or asking questions about the baby. We have a great relationship and his ex will call me to discuss issue with SD. (Husband works crazy hours and sometimes can't answered his phone) we do family events together and she was gracious enough to bring SD to the hospital to meet her new brother. I know this is not the norm but we all decided long ago to do what is best for SD and by getting along that's best.
When my husband was deployed we even did Christmas with his ex and her family since they lived in the same area. When we got pregnant again we told SD and then her mother. This works for us. But communication is definitely key. Sorry your experience is harder.

shorty6788 · August 2015

I was caught in a difficult position with my SS's BM. In the past, we've had a decent relationship. Sure there have been disagreements, but she always brought my SS to the hospital to meet the newest addition and she comes along with him to birthday parties for the kids and we've done things together "as a family". We text each other about details over my SS's visit because my DH doesn't always answer his phone at work.

Well, we never intended to tell anyone (family and close friends) until after our first appointment. However, we have my SS at our home 2 nights a week (Wed night into Thursday and Friday night into Saturday) and had our first appt scheduled for a Thursday morning, since that's my DH's day off. This being our third child together, I knew what to expect at the first appointment and I didn't want our SS there in the room with us, because I knew he would see things and have questions that we weren't ready to answer. So, I tried to get the BM to keep him that Wed night and have him go to daycare on Thurs, without telling her why. She insisted that if she did that, we would have to pay for his day at daycare. Well, that's not in our agreement nor is it our budget, so I straight out told her what was going on and my concerns with him being there. It's not how or when I wanted to tell her, because I felt like my DH should have told her, but we did tell my SS together and he is excited, like he always has been with a new baby. She, on the other hand, after being told, became very distant and cold. DH speculates that she is worried that with another child, my SS will be neglected (which has never been the case - I have always treated him like my own) and that she is bitter over the fact that he has since gotten married and started a family. I know it can be difficult for her, so I'm trying to be understanding. Besides, her's isn't the only reaction that has hurt my feelings, so I'm just taking it all in stride.

My best advice is to just tell the other mother, but try to be understanding of her feelings, too. You, also, just have to live your own life and not worry about what others think, because in the end, it's between you and your DH, not anyone else.

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