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3rd Trimester
JessaRex
member
feel like im getting run over. how do you handle SO's run away family?
JessaRex
member
Im trying to plan for the baby shower and people keep wanting to buy stuff second hand vefore the baby shower is even planned. One of my Significant Others family member already came in with a partly functioning high chair, a play pen/bassinet combo with stains, a swing with missing parts, and expired car seat and a few other things, most of which are expired and she got mad at me for pointing out the expiration dates saying i should reimburse her cause im unappreciative. SO's brother is getting excited and shopping on kijiji for cribs and other people are doing the same thing even though i told them to wait. Everyone is getting mad at me cause i am telling them that i am putting these things on a baby regestry reguardless if they get it or not. I feel like i am getting run over and i feel like people are looking at me as not the mother or even as the person, but like im nothing but an incubator without an opinion. What can i do though? Im ready to hit a snapping point...
Re: feel like im getting run over. how do you handle SO's run away family?
If getting hand-me-downs and second hand stuff is really that big of an issue, toss what's expired and stained, donate the rest to someone who will appreciate it, and go buy your baby all new items. Simple as that.
Again, I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen at your shower. Generally, the only people who are going to buy big ticket items for a shower ARE your family. So again, either buy the stuff yourself now and say "thank you, but I already have a (crib/stroller/swing)", or accept graciously and then donate what you don't use. It's rude to say "I don't like your gift - please hold off in case I get something better." Buy. It. Yourself. As for advice on how to handle the family in general, we can't really help with that without knowing all they dynamics. But it sounds to me like you need to put your big girl mama panties on. If they tell you to "shut up", tell them that's inappropriate and that you will NOT when it comes to matters of raising your child. you're the mama now. You also can't tell the internet how to respond to you, so back off that right now.
But it really is easier (and much more polite) to just say thank you and keep it as back up or donate it. A co-worker of my fiancé gave him us his baby monitor he used when his daughter was born, he knows we aren't well off and he also had his daughter at 19 so he wanted to give us something to help. He told my fiancé that that monitor was top of the line when his daughter was born and it was the only thing that he spent a lot of money on for his daughter and he wanted us to have it now. The gift was incredibly sweet and sentimental and even though my dad bought my fiancé a video monitor he can access from his phone at work (my fiancé works 60-90 hours a week and is often not home which he really hates) so that he can peak in on our LO when she's sleeping or he's away and misses us. We couldn't bring ourselves to donate that monitor from his co-worker because of the thought that went into it, instead be put it in her nursery as a reminder of all the love she's being given from everyone in our lives.
Sorry that was long my point is is that though yes your in laws are being over bearing and rude they may also be offended. They may just want to help and when it seems (to them) that your brushing them off or compeltly bashing they're attempts to send love to the new addition in their family they may become defensive. As shitty as it is to have to play nice sometimes you just have to pick and chose your battles, say thank you accept it and move on. If it truly bothers you that much tell them "thank you, I know you put a lot of thought into this, but I don't feel comfortable using that with my child."
If you have asked them to hold off on buying used items until after your shower then I would simply take them, say thank you and get rid of what you don't need after the shower. If they ever ask about something just tell them it broke and you had to replace it.
Next be gracious for what you do get and toss/donate whatever is not usable and clean/salvage whatever is. If they are rude let them know you are all going to be starting fresh before the baby arrives and that will not be tolerated. If everyone cannot be civil visits will be cut short.
Like others have said, accept the items, smile, thank them, and go on your way. Don't ask them to wait to buy things. I think that's where it may look ungrateful. Like you'll only accept something if it's new...
I would never use an expired car seat or other safety item. I think it's understandable , on those ones, for you to be very frustrated with their response of, because it's a gift, you must use it or you're ungrateful. You can be grateful for their excitement and support and gifts, but not use something you're just not comfortable with. They shouldn't confront you about not using something.
Good luck to you! Sounds like a tricky situation to dance around .
I was once in your shoes. Not exactly the same, you seem more ballsy than me. However, my MIL is very intruding (in the nicest way possible, like "kill you with kindness" type) when it comes to babies. My first born, was the first grandchild on both sides and the first girl (she had 3 boys and desperately wanted a girl - she was still considering having her own baby in her late 40's). We rented a home from them and she insisted on buying everything, or handing down everything. The cot, change table - everything had to be second hand. This really irked me. In the end, we found we couldnt afford these items anyway so i guess we just accepted them, even though my dad offered to buy new ones, he couldnt really afford it either. I never got to plan the nursery, she did this as it was their house and she chose everything even down to the colour. I would be lying if i said i felt okay with this. I felt a bit robbed. She wanted to be involved in EVERY way. Including the birth when i specifically told her no, she came anyway (drove 3 hours to sit in the waiting room and i felt bad). Since then she has had 2 more grandchildren (brother and sister in law) but she was never as invasive with them and i cant understand why! I am having a boy this time and the same thing has happened. I was told they didnt like my choice of colour for the nursery (the same as my sister in laws) and she brought all the decorations, and has set a theme. I cant say anything either because she offends very easily and i know its coming from a good place. I did stand up to her once, she told me i was lazy (i work 5 days a week with a toddler in daycare 4 days a week, my partner requires the same amount of caring as my 3 year old) and perhaps needed to hire a housemaid. Some of the things she has brought i suggested she keep them at her house for when we visit or if she looks after our children. All in all, my partner is very protective of his family, and rightly so. However, this makes it impossible for ne to express my opinion and i feel run over too. I dont think you are ungrateful. You sound stressed. And unfortunately there are so many people on this message board who love to attack others for not reacting the way people expect but the truth is, everyone is different and we all react differently. My suggestion is to ask them to keep the items they've brought at their home incase they look after baby, this might make them feel more included. If you can afford the items, buy them yourself and tell them you got it on sale and it's much safer than items that are expired or missing parts (we are talking about some very precious cargo!). This is your baby. Dont let them take this away from you. I did and i deeply regret it.
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I think even if you believe this family "hates" you, that they truly don't if they are thinking of you enough to buy when they see. Expired car seat, toss. I have people in my family not takin the "wait until baby shower" request seriously also, but I am grateful for it anyway because if its a double, I can return the newer item, or now have a second for grandparents' homes.
OP - I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. I'm a FTM and I can totally understand how you feel. It's lovely that your SO's family is excited and wanting to help you out but what they should be doing is asking you before they purchase the things if you would like them, not buying them and then getting an attitude when it's not what you would like.
I'm lucky that my folks have been great, I don't mind 2nd hand things at all, I would rather get 2nd hand for some things and save the money but I also would like the opportunity to choose them myself. So whenever I have mentioned something that I am going to look for or if my folks find something, they show me it first before buying it. They have been such a great help to me and my mum is a whizz at finding bargains, she has saved me so much money, but I have also been involved.
I think your SO needs to step in and handle this one for you.
My SO has to mediate some times when I am not around. I am bad at dealing with confrontation sometimes, and his dad is almost always confrontational with all things. You have responded about yourself in these moments, where is your SO when they happen and how do they contribute?.