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December 2015 Moms
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Baby shower drama

sunneedayssunneedays member
in December 2015 Moms
My older sister and I were due a week apart, in December, until she lost her baby at 9 weeks.  I am of course devastated for her, and, having gone through 2 miscarriages myself, I completely understand the pain.  However, this is my first baby.  I tried for 5 years, had 2 miscarriages and dealt with some pretty difficult infertility issues.  My sister has 3 beautiful, healthy boys.  Now, a few months later, my sister apparently has decided she doesn't feel up to going to my baby shower, saying it would be too hard.  My sister and I are pretty close and I am more upset about it than I thought I would be.  ESPECIALLY seeing as having gone through everything I've been through, I supported her at baby showers (she had one for every child).  How do I handle this?  Is it fair for me to have this one expectation of her?  Should I talk to her about it?  So far, all communication has been to my mom, who then relayed it to me.  I want to make her understand why it is so important that she be there with me, even though I know it will be hard, but I have no idea how to approach it. 

 

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Re: Baby shower drama

  • Peanut1128Peanut1128 member
    I'm sorry, that's so tough. I do think your sister is making a mistake by not celebrating this happy event with you. Would your mom or another sibling be willing to talk to her about it? I think she will really regret not being there for you. Or you could try talking to her about how important it is to you and how much you love her and are sorry for her pain. I hope she comes around.
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  • kdoak2015kdoak2015 member
    I would have to say life is to short to sweat over the small stuff, if she says it's too hard it likely is. Everyone is different and it's great that you were able to be there for her at her showers but she may not be as strong as you. However, it can't hurt to talk to her about it and let her know you'd really like to see her there as its a special moment for you and you want your best friend there with you.
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  • VesperLoveVesperLove member
    I may not have the popular opinion on this, but my advice would be to let it be.

    Everyone deals with loss in a different way. Just because she has beautiful healthy children doesn't mean her loss was any less difficult or emotional than the process that you had to go through and your losses. 

    And just because you were able to make it to her events and support her during her showers does not mean that she is able (or should be able) to do the same for you. 

    Every person is different and you cannot fault them for dealing with their pain in their own way.

    That being said, I do think that it's important for her to know what it would mean to you for her to be there. I'm not exactly sure how to relay that to her without it sounding like you'll be really upset if she doesn't go.  

    If anything, I would talk to her and let her know that you totally understand and support whatever decision she makes in regard to attendance but you hope she knows how meaningful it would be for her to be there with you on that day. Then let her decide and truly support her no matter what she decides.

    I'm sorry for your losses but so thrilled for your rainbow baby! Good luck to you.
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  • yl1m32015yl1m32015 member
    Hm, that is really tough. Personally, after my mc I went to 2 baby showers and held my friends newborn within a month. It killed me. It tore me a part and I sobbed the minute I was alone. But I didn't do it for me, it was for them. Just because I lost my child, didn't make the arrival of their babies less special to them. I still wanted to be there and support them.

    But, your sister is not me. I do think you should talk to her. I don't doubt that her going to your shower is difficult for her, but at the same time, you need support too. It's just a tough spot to be in. Best of luck,
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  • CMDDCMDD member
    After my loss I found it so helpful to be around friends' new babies because that is such a joyful time. But, not everyone handles it the same way.
    I think the decision must have been hard for her if you're close and you should probably just respect her decision. I'm sorry!
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  • MoreKittensMoreKittens member
    I would talk to her, but not about the shower. As PP have said, she may not be as strong as you, but I would be concerned that this is a symptom of a deeper problem for her. It's possible that her miscarriage has triggered depression in her and this could be an opportunity to talk/listen to her about how she's handling it.
    "Good for her! Not for me." - Amy Poehler

    Pregnancy Ticker

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  • BetsyBV821BetsyBV821 member
    This is really tough and understandable that you feel hurt and upset.

    It's awesome that you were there to support her even while dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

    My personal opinion -- I think you have to allow her to make her own decision about whether to attend your shower. I think it would be beneficial for you two to talk rather than going through your mom.

    I had a similar experience to you. We have done 5 years of infertility, had 3 miscarriages before this pregnancy, and lost the twin in this pregnancy. I hosted baby showers, attended some showers, and chose not to attend some showers. No matter how close I was to the person and how happy I was for them, it was painful. So painful that I only agreed to a shower for our baby if it was a couples shower and as much unlike a baby shower as possible.

    JMO But I think everyone has the right to decide about how to handle their emotions and grief. I actually wish that I had not hosted or attended some of the baby showers over these last many years.

    You two can support each other in other ways! There will be other people to celebrate with you at your shower!

    Best of luck to you! I hope that you have a healthy pregnancy and baby!
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  • RSB1982RSB1982 member
    I wouldn't say anything to her. Chances are she changes her mind over the next few weeks or months and decides to attend. Sometimes we just need time to warm up to the idea of doing something that may be hurtful to us. Hopefully she's not clinically depressed and just needs time to process/grieve the miscarriage. I'm sure she's really happy for you.
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