Anyone dealing with a bitter ex wife?

brianna91chavez · August 2015

A little back story on my situation....
My DH divorced his ex wife because she was cheating on him for about two years and bringing the man around their two young daughters while he was at work. Ex wife ends up marrying the guy she was cheating with 4 months after their divorce is finalized. DH gave ex wife everything she wanted in the divorce without a fight. It seems like she was got everything what she wanted right?
Fast forward to five years later and DH and I have been married for a year, together for 3. I'm pregnant and step daughters have finally warmed up to it and are really excited about having a baby brother.
Last night step daughter posted a picture on snap chat with her hand on my bump and put the caption "I love my baby brother"
About two hours ago her mom calls her and tells her to get her stuff together bc she's coming to get her and she's in trouble for what she put on snap chat and she better not put anything else like that on there because it's "embarrassing for her"
What???? Are you serious???
Do any of you ladies have a shitty jealous ex wife to deal with and if so how do you handle it? There's been situations like this in the past and I don't understand it bc it seems to me she got everything she wanted so why is she jealous of what I have? She clearly didnt want it. I hate that she gets the girls involved and tries to make them choose sides.... This baby is still their half brother. It just makes me sad for them that they have to deal with this too.

oliarnmom1517 · August 2015

No advice because I'm my husband first (and hopefully only) wife but she sounds like a total bitch.. She is not being fair to the girls that are just excited to have a baby brother on the way and they just want to celebrate that and she shuts it down.. That's not ok and she sounds like she needs some counseling.. She clearly didn't want what you have and that's her own fault for messing up and letting it go.. She shouldn't be jealous that the girls are happy just because she's a jealous bitch..

ASalton1 · August 2015

I'm currently going through a similar situation with my fiancé's ex-wife. My fiancé has two kids from his first marriage (age 11 and 14) and they have been divorced for over 6 years 3 of which we have been together. This is our first baby together (I'm a FTM) and we told the kids that we were expecting while we had them for our weekend (we get them every other weekend). They were really excited and we were relieved because I didn't want them to see me as a threat or see this pregnancy as a bad thing. Well out of respect we told his ex wife we were expecting just so the kids didn't blindside her when they told her once we dropped them off and she never said anything. Well the next time we had them, they kept making all these comments about how she wasn't planned, how we weren't married, how our house isn't big enough, etc. which we know came right from the ex-wife. It was heartbreaking to see that they were so excited but that their mother being a bitch has made them view this as a negative thing. All you can do and grit your teeth and try your best to be understanding. It can sure be tough though.

brianna91chavez · August 2015

@ASalton1 omg. I'm glad I haven't heard any comments like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. They're so impressionable at that age, the girls are around that age (12 & 14) especially when it's their own mother they hear it from and they want to please her too.

modanz1 · August 2015

I will never understand adults that involve their children in their dysfunctional relationships. No matter what your ex has done to you, you should never talk down to your children about their other parent or their future siblings. Kids don't need to deal with adult problems. Sorry you are dealing with this crap...it's sad for your step-children.

lulamagoo · August 2015

I am sorry you are dealing with this and yes she isn't handling herself appropriately. But, I do want to offer a different perspective. (I come from a family that is similar to your situation)

In my case, my mother still loves my father and always will. They have two children together (my brother and I) and my father and stepmother have a son. Even though my mom is the one that filed for divorce and "got everything", them having a son together really sealed the deal. She was not in a good place when she made her mistakes and is no longer to the man she married right after my father. Her and my father will always be connected and will always mean something to one another. It was really bad when I was younger, and even worse when step-parents got involved. Now, I can honestly say that my mom, dad, and stepmother are friends.

Give her time. (I know easier said that done and it sucks taking the high road) It is not your responsibility to be her shoulder to cry on or anything, but try to understand that while she supposedly got everything she wanted, she most likely is still hurting even though she is the one that cheated.

VexedMommy · August 2015

So, I have re-written my response twice. My bf's ex actually uses the bump so I need to be careful what I say just in case she gets a bit nosy.

Blended families are hard. There are issues we encounter that other parents don't have to deal with. It's a very difficult situation situation when a biological OR a step parent interferes with the natural bonds a child has with the caring adults in their lives. In that situation all you can do is wait it out. Children are extremely intuitive and will eventually figure out they're being manipulated. If you've been supportive of the blended family structure all along, they will turn away from the manipulator. If your side also attempted to manipulate the children then it's doubly hard because the child has no adults in their life they feel they can trust. It sucks, it's long, and it's certainly not satisfying in the moment, but taking the high road is the best way for the children involved.

thefithuntress · August 2015

Sometimes I kinda wish I grew up in a blended family, rather than my mom taking on raising me solo and never finding someone to settle down with. She rarely even dated and she's still single.

With that said my father walked out on us when I was 2. She never once raised me to be resentful, angry, or to dislike him. I had the privilege of formulating my opinion of him myself after learning more in my adulthood and eventually speaking with him.

So to make that connect with what you're going through and to echo previous posters, keep your head high and continue teaching them love and respect. Kids grow up fast and figure things out even faster. If you're coming from a good place they'll always honor you for that. You can't go wrong with taking the high road (and groaning in frustration at their mother's immature actions when they aren't around).

Soyyoyary · August 2015

My situation is different but I can relate. My ex-husband walked away I raised DS on my own. No pro a true parent does anything for their children. Well the divorce was a very long process. I wanted nothing ,only sole custody which I received.

One day I receive a email telling me congrats on DD birth. But then went on with how messed up it was to have another baby. He was very jealous and angry. Then went to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant and to inform DS. I informed DS he stood quiet days later asked me if he could email his father. DS is a teenager they pretty much have a mind of their own. After the email, ex replied saying that DS wasnt capable of writing with such intelligence. Mind you DS was always been a straight A student and the last time DS saw his dad he was 8 yrs. Over 5 yrs ago. That pushed my buttons. The ex walked out said he couldn't be a dad. DS is very smart I didn't couch him, I never spoke ill of his dad still his father. He lived with the pain of abandonment, I stood by DS to get him to the other side.. I just got rid of my email account.No more contact. If DS wants to find him its easy to find him.. BTW girlfriend never was pregnant.

Its a shame that adults, bring a child into an adult situation. Children should be able to love who they want without judgement..

ash413 · August 2015

I agree with the PP, it sounds like jealousy on the part of the ex-wife because rarely is the grass greener on the other side. Even though she got "everything she wanted", I'm sure that photo is a realization how much she threw away when she cheated.

Perhaps when things calm down a bit your husband can talk to her, remind her that your child is going to be their sibling, and in their lives forever. Just keep taking the high road, and don't talk down about their mother. Kids are smart, and they are to the age that they can or soon will be able to see her manipulative selfish behavior for what it is.

queenwog · August 2015

This is one of the reasons I keep my SD at an arm's length. Her BM will always cause drama, is always looking to stir things up, and wants me gone more than anything. She still refers to my DH as the love of her life (they were never married and she cheated constantly), and harbors a sick delusion that if I had never come into the picture, she would be able to have another chance with him. This is why she's never given up on trying to cause problems, including doing everything she can to poison SD against me. It hasn't necessarily worked as planned, as SD doesn't hate me and wish me gone, but I'm not exactly welcome either.

SD doesn't get details of my pregnancy. She doesn't touch my belly (awkward), she isn't invited to any appointments, and won't be asked to give input on names. Her loyalty to her mother is stronger than her willingness and ability to protect me and baby from the drama, so I just don't allow her any opportunities to invite BM to cause drama.

Steplife is hard, certainly not for the faint of heart, and I'm sorry you and your SK are struggling with a jealous BM.

Soyyoyary · August 2015

queenwog said:
This is one of the reasons I keep my SD at an arm's length. Her BM will always cause drama, is always looking to stir things up, and wants me gone more than anything. She still refers to my DH as the love of her life (they were never married and she cheated constantly), and harbors a sick delusion that if I had never come into the picture, she would be able to have another chance with him. This is why she's never given up on trying to cause problems, including doing everything she can to poison SD against me. It hasn't necessarily worked as planned, as SD doesn't hate me and wish me gone, but I'm not exactly welcome either.

SD doesn't get details of my pregnancy. She doesn't touch my belly (awkward), she isn't invited to any appointments, and won't be asked to give input on names. Her loyalty to her mother is stronger than her willingness and ability to protect me and baby from the drama, so I just don't allow her any opportunities to invite BM to cause drama.

Steplife is hard, certainly not for the faint of heart, and I'm sorry you and your SK are struggling with a jealous BM.

Wow!! This sounds emotionally draining.. This affects both your LO and SD they need to bond and she really needs to let it happen.. I just dont understand why. Our children happiness should come first than our own bitterness.. Sorry your doing thru this

brianna91chavez · August 2015

Thanks so much for all the helpful replies ladies! I guess I never really have looked at it from another perspective and I think the jealousy does come from the fact that the grass wasn't greener on the other side for her.
@thefithuntress growing up my situation was kind of similar to yours. My mother decided she had better things to do when I was 4 so my father did it on his own. He never even really dated until I was like 15 and still never brought another woman around us so the idea of a blended family is so foreign to me. I kind of just learn as I go...All of your replies are giving me some needed insight though so thanks again!

ASalton1 · August 2015

brianna91chavez said:
@ASalton1 omg. I'm glad I haven't heard any comments like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. They're so impressionable at that age, the girls are around that age (12 & 14) especially when it's their own mother they hear it from and they want to please her too.

It is insane to me. I just can't understand why you would want to impose all of that negativity on your children. I mean part of being a good mother is setting a good example for your kids regardless of your personal feelings. If she was having a child, my fiancé and I would be happy for her and only talk about how much of a blessing children are. I'm sorry you are going through this too, it really can suck. Another thing that bothers me at times is she doesn't even know me. Every time I've gone to school events for the kids before I was pregnant she would make no attempt to have a conversation with me or say hi. I think her issue is that my fiancé and I are 24 years apart and she sees me as a child that is stuck with her ex and not an adult in a healthy functional relationship.

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