I'm TTC but hubby's not. Is this weird?

meggyme · August 2015

Several months ago I realized that I really want to become a mom. We're financially stable, in a good place in our marriage, and living near family (for now. We're mil, so that could be changing soon). After talking with DH he said a baby wouldn't be bad, but he doesn't want to try to become a dad yet. So I've placed the burden of birth control on his shoulders, and I'm taking my last week of pills next week. This leaves us in a weird position, kind of a battle of wills. I'm preparing my body to be ready to TTC whenever he's ready while DH will be trying to avoid it. I'm just trying to figure out if this is a bad plan that could lead to resentment. Or do you thing it could be a more gradual path for DH toward TTC, which is what I'm intending? I'm aiming for a "not trying to prevent pregnancy" atmosphere.

Also, I'm not being manipulative, DH knows about all the changes I've made. I'm not trying to trick him into getting KU. If anything I want to make birth control his choice and his choice alone.

RachelT1234 · August 2015

I'm very new to this process, but one thing I've learned from getting off BCP about a month ago, is that it can take time for the body to adjust back to normal, and to figure out what your cycle is like off the pill. Are you going to start temping? That process could help with preventing pregnancy until you're both on the same page, and when your husband is OK with TTC you'd then have a better idea of how your body works and when you may ovulate. He seems open to the idea, but do you know what his hesitation is? Maybe there are some pre-baby bucket list items he would want to cross off before a baby.

Xstatic3333 · August 2015

Although you're being honest, the way you're phrasing things seems pretty adversarial, which I think is a bad way to start off potential parenthood. We went off hormonal BC because the symptoms were driving me crazy and we're less than a year from TTC. H doesn't love condoms, but we agreed this would work for us for a limited amount of time. Having him be comfortable with my stopping the pill was important to me.

Can you come to a consensus, together, that makes this situation feel less like an ultimatum and more like an intermediate step towards TTC? Because ultimatums are never helpful, and pressuring your H won't be either. What's his opinion of you coming off the pill?

meggyme · August 2015

While it's certainly easier for him if I stay on the pill, he also understands that this is the other side of the "her body, her choice" argument. And while my BC pill symptoms are minor in comparison to some, I'm ready to be a crazy bitch of my own accord and not because of my artificial hormone levels. And I want to have a sex drive again, which he's onboard for. For him it's not that he's not ready to become a dad, he's just not seeking it out. He's not aching to be a father right now. I think his ideal time to have a baby would be after he gets back from deployment and move in a year. But there's the estimated year of TTC (barring any fertility issues) and then 9 months of pregnancy.

While he may not have suggested it, he also has not been combative about it. I'm sorry it the title was a bit too much.

@RachelT1234 I keep going back and forth between wanting to know where my body is reproductively and knowing that if I start temping it could become all-consuming and not conducive to the casual approach I'm trying to take.

Xstatic3333 · August 2015

That does make it sound better, thanks for explaining. I wonder if he's like my H, who is just so low-key about TTC that he doesn't talk about it a ton. We're currently waiting until I'm ready, and I think if I told him I was ready to try tomorrow he'd just shrug and say "cool."

I'd just talk to him more, like PP said. Does he want a big trip first? A major home project? To make sure he won't be on deployment for the birth? Then, work with him on the barrier methods until he's ready. We all know guys don't tend to have the best willpower in that area and I still see condom use as "our" responsibility, just as H would help pick up my pill when that was our BC method.

lalala2004 · August 2015

At least you're being honest about it, but it does come across as a little passive aggressive to me. You're supposed to be partners. If you're not on the same page, I just feel like that indicates a problem. If you do get pregnant and he's not happy about it, it could put a damper on the whole thing.

MrsFL2015 · August 2015

I would talk to your husband about the entire situation. Pushing someone into something they're not ready for could have very negative consequences. It's clear he has reservations and wants to wait for a while. Also, please consider the well being of any children conceived under these circumstances. If your husband doesn't really want the child and begins to resent the situation, what type of environment are you creating for the child? Will your husband's attitude about fatherhood have a negative impact your relationship, your pregnancy or the child?

little_bren · August 2015

DEFINITELY wait 'til he is on board. You don't want your child to be the source of resentment.

LavenderBrown1018 · August 2015

Everyone is different. I just know that when I get a BFP I want my husband to be excited. I promised my husband I'd wait until he was absolutely ready, no matter how bad my baby fever gets. Parenting's a team effort from day one IMHO.

HookEmNelson · August 2015

^^Agree with everyone^^
Make sure y'all are on the same page. I have learned this the hard way, but thankfully we came out stronger, and together we are making this choice in the most communicative way anyone could. It's a big choice for anyone, and I wish you the best with finding the right time for the both of you as a couple.

MrsRo731 · August 2015

Lots of good feedback above and I completely agree - you should both be on board. I like the 'pre-baby bucket list' idea; maybe take a big trip or do something you've been meaning to do. You don't want any resentment on either side so definitely talk with you husband.

Katm89 · August 2015

This is very similar to how our TTC journey has started. I got fed up with BC and decided I was going to temp/cm watch/opks to avoid TTC until we could come up with an official month to try. I understand being torn about the whole casual approach. My DH and I wish we could have been more casual about a baby but ship sailed 2 years ago, and since we have both wanted a baby for 3 plus years we don't want to just throw caution to the wind and have the timing be off. we are waiting 3 more cycles until we can try. Truly we planned on trying in the beginning of November but turns out I have 2 O days in November so we are going with the second one, right before my anniversary. Obviously I am making some educated guesses based off my last two months temping. But, I think going off the pill struck those convos up

strickland8052 · August 2015

You know your DH better than anyone on this board, so I think you know best...as long as you are being honest with him.

Our journey somewhat started like that. DH and I had been talking about the possibility of me going off BC, because of the side effects. One day I forgot to refill my pills. I was pretty busy that day, so I asked DH if he would go get them but jokingly said "or...I could just stop taking them." He didn't want to get them either, so we both just agreed I'd stop taking them. Then I was going to temp to help with the prevention, but DH ignores my warnings when I tell him it is an O day. The plan has always been for us to begin TTC in October, and I feel like we have been gradually getting less cautious and less cautious every month for the past 6 months. To outsiders, this probably sounds really irresponsible and maybe lazy, but it isn't that way at all. We are normally such sticklers for plans and rules and discipline, so we are enjoying taking our chances (considering we are 100% ready anyway). I think it has been good at helping us get in the right mindset, because it is hard to swap from "must prevent!" to "must make baby" in a matter of days. We begin TTC in less than two months, and I think this transition has helped make DH more excited (he was just blah about it).

Katm89 · August 2015

@strickland8052 I agree with you. I am temping/opk to avoid as well and my DH ignores my warnings about O day as well. we haven't been all that risky... I usually hold firm because I know he would freak out about certain events. We are going to ttc during my second cycle of November. However, watching him ask about my temps and want to see my OPKs has made us both partners in BC and TTC which I really like. I never force him to pay attention to that stuff but he has grown an interest. I like that and I feel like when we do "actively try" we will both be of the same mindset and sure that we are both just as ready.

meggyme · August 2015

I want to be perfectly clear here that I am in no way trying to con my husband into getting me KU. We are essentially changing our bc from me taking the pill to him taking charge of the bc.

@Katm89 and @strickland8052 , thanks so much for sharing your experiences. This is kind of what I'm aiming for. An opportunity to get off the pill, regulate my cycle, regain my sex drive and allow DH to pull the goalie when he's ready. I was unsure whether or not I should temp immediately or wait until we're actually TTC, but I think you've convinced me to start sooner than later to gain more knowledge both to help avoid for now and actively try in the future.

wanderingtx · August 2015

meggyme said:

I want to be perfectly clear here that I am in no way trying to con my husband into getting me KU. We are essentially changing our bc from me taking the pill to him taking charge of the bc. @Katm89 and @strickland8052 , thanks so much for sharing your experiences. This is kind of what I'm aiming for. An opportunity to get off the pill, regulate my cycle, regain my sex drive and allow DH to pull the goalie when he's ready. I was unsure whether or not I should temp immediately or wait until we're actually TTC, but I think you've convinced me to start sooner than later to gain more knowledge both to help avoid for now and actively try in the future.

meggyme said:

Several months ago I realized that I really want to become a mom. We're financially stable, in a good place in our marriage, and living near family (for now. We're mil, so that could be changing soon). After talking with DH he said a baby wouldn't be bad, but he doesn't want to try to become a dad yet. So I've placed the burden of birth control on his shoulders, and I'm taking my last week of pills next week. This leaves us in a weird position, kind of a battle of wills. I'm preparing my body to be ready to TTC whenever he's ready while DH will be trying to avoid it. I'm just trying to figure out if this is a bad plan that could lead to resentment. Or do you thing it could be a more gradual path for DH toward TTC, which is what I'm intending? I'm aiming for a "not trying to prevent pregnancy" atmosphere.

Also, I'm not being manipulative, DH knows about all the changes I've made. I'm not trying to trick him into getting KU. If anything I want to make birth control his choice and his choice alone.

That is two very different ways of putting it. You also mention in your first post that you are aiming for a "not trying to prevent pregnancy" atmosphere, ye he will be "trying to avoid it". It really seems like the two of you aren't on the same page at all. If you are sick of the pill and want to drop BC for reasons other than TTC, go for it. You can use temping to avoid pregnancy. It's covered well in TCOYF. I think pulling BC and demanding he choses/uses your only form of BC is reckless. IMO, it looks like if you were to 'accidentally' get pregnant, you could say "Well, you're the one in charge of BC!". Sorry if I'm reading your tone wrong, that's just what I'm picking up. Also, just because it COULD take a year to get pregnant, doesn't mean you should start now, hoping that he will be on board by the time it happens (possibly a year for now). It COULD happen right away.

My DH is military, and he is gearing up for a deployment. We were ready to TTC, all guns firing- ready. Now with his upcoming deployment, even if I were to get pregnant immediately, he would still miss the birth. So, now we aren't TTC. He doesn't want to miss the birth of his first child, I don't want him to miss it either. He could potentially miss the birth and entire first year of the (hypothetical) babies life. Yikes. We aren't in a rush, and will be ready when he gets back so now we are holding off again. Maybe your husband feels the same, and that's why his ideal time would be on return from deployment. Just another thing to think about.

BostonBaby1 · August 2015

*lurker here

IMHO, it is really preferential for you and your DH to be on the same page when it comes to TTC. I certainly understand wanting to come off BCPs and get your body prepared but I really think that it would be best if you two could work as a team. Instead of leaving BC up to him, perhaps the two of you can sit down and figure out a plan for the near future when you are not TTC? As some PPs have mentioned, you can start temping and checking other signs in order to try to prevent along with whatever means he will take (I assume condoms?) TTC is a journey and it's often not easy to do with a partner that's committed. I think it is setting up a very bad situation to not play on the same team as your partner.

PrimRoseMama · August 2015

I think this is a bad idea. I'll just say it.

Birth control is a joint decision.
Having sex to procreate is also a joint decision. It should not be one partner placing the weight of prevention on the other. It should be both partners 100% on board with trying to make a baby.

Why? Because at any point your strategy could lead to finger pointing if times get tough & patience is in short supply.

When do times get tough & patience is in low supply? The first year of having a baby.

You don't want your partner to say he was never really on board & you don't want to utter the phrase "well it was your choice to pull the BC!". It's not his choice. It's a joint decision.

Katm89 · August 2015

I don't see why she can't just use condoms? My DH was set against condoms and i was tired of the pill, so I stopped and informed him during fertile time it was his choice to use a condom.. and it was his burden lol that being said... I knew he wasn't ready and insisted we use a condom.. I get how her wording could be taken...but I understand the feeling... it doesn't necessarily mean she is going to use it as an opportunity to trick her husband into having sex...

Xstatic3333 · August 2015

Katm89 said:
I don't see why she can't just use condoms? My DH was set against condoms and i was tired of the pill, so I stopped and informed him during fertile time it was his choice to use a condom.. and it was his burden lol that being said... I knew he wasn't ready and insisted we use a condom.. I get how her wording could be taken...but I understand the feeling... it doesn't necessarily mean she is going to use it as an opportunity to trick her husband into having sex...

We're using condoms right now too, but I think it's all in the phrasing. "We're using condoms until we're ready" is much different from "you use condoms if you want." From subsequent posts I think and hope OP probably is working with her H, but the title of the thread initially makes it seem otherwise.

I really believe that BC decisions should always be joint, even when it's a method that one person has more direct control over. That has involved compromises for H and I, but being on the same page is so, so important.

Katm89 · August 2015

I agree Xstatic3333

meggyme · August 2015

You ladies have really made me think the last few days. I've been avoiding TB the last few days to be able to make sure my thoughts are my own.

Update: talked to DH about not wanting him to feel like I'm dragging him into this, about using alternate BC such as condoms or avoiding FW (he said referencing my fertility made me sound like a cow. I told him to get used to bovine terminology. Haha). He reassured me that he's ready to start trying, but wants to keep it casual. His biggest fear is losing his freedom. Which I can't promise won't happen, but we can do things to mitigate. Getting babysitters, taking baby with us, him having nights out with the guys, etc.

Sorry if my post title was a little too inflammatory. I wanted it to be eye catching, but apparently I went overboard. Thanks for all your input.

Katm89 · August 2015

Congratulations on your talk! I totally understand taking many days thinking about your feelings. Sometimes its hard to tap into how we truly feel. These ladies have helped me do that as well.

Xstatic3333 · August 2015

meggyme said:
You ladies have really made me think the last few days. I've been avoiding TB the last few days to be able to make sure my thoughts are my own.

Update: talked to DH about not wanting him to feel like I'm dragging him into this, about using alternate BC such as condoms or avoiding FW (he said referencing my fertility made me sound like a cow. I told him to get used to bovine terminology. Haha). He reassured me that he's ready to start trying, but wants to keep it casual. His biggest fear is losing his freedom. Which I can't promise won't happen, but we can do things to mitigate. Getting babysitters, taking baby with us, him having nights out with the guys, etc.

Sorry if my post title was a little too inflammatory. I wanted it to be eye catching, but apparently I went overboard. Thanks for all your input.

That's great that you were able to have a heart to heart and get on the same page! I kind of understand where he's coming from. Even though I'm ready to TTC, I do worry about what a big change it will be. I think some apprehension there is normal.

lalala2004 · August 2015

Thanks for updating, OP. I'm glad you and your DH were able to have a heart to heart.

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