Doula vs mom?

Re: Doula vs mom?

• LC122 member

  August 2015

  Sorry to your mom, but having 5 kids doesn't make you a certified medical professional, especially if that was 20-30+ years ago and so much has changed since then.
  First you need to figure out what kind of birth plan and birth experience you want. If that doesn't involve a doula/midwife/friend, then you won't have an issue with your mother. If it does, then you just need to explain to your mom that you don't mean to offend her, it's nothing personal, you just want to have an advocate who is familiar with the current medical options and interventions and who would be experienced in mediating and advocating between you and your medical team.
  Your birth, your call.

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• Mizuiro007 member

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  Ultimately it will be your decision. I did want to say though that maybe you should plan for the unexpected. I've known a few women epidural did not work for for various reasons and they had to go without. It's paet of the same reason the hospitals encourage taking a child birth class even if you know you'll be having a c-section. Things happen beyond our planning and control.
  
  I had my mom and husband there when I had my son. I think this time I would love to have a midwife or do up a after the l&d nurse I had then and I doubt I'll get a other one quite as good as her. It was nice having my mom there reminding my husband to eat so I wouldn't worry about him and she'd run and get things I needed.
  
  I think it helped me when I was pushing and how excited she was, kind of reminded me why we were all there and the reward I was going to have when it was over. I also felt good about being able to offer my mom that. She had had c-sections and always said she felt like she missed out on something.
  
  It was also nice, there were complications and I couldn't see my son right away as we were both worked on. He was in the room and I could hear him but I couldn't touch or see him for a while. My mom took a picture and brought it over to me so I'd have it until I could hold him. She was the only one to have this idea and it helped keep me from building into a panic.
  
  I'm not saying to have your mother there, but thought I'd share my experience. It's all down to what you want and need in that moment. Maybe your mom could still have her own job if you do decide to have her in the room. She could take pictures and keep people updated among other things.
  
  *Maybe if you decide against having her, remind her what my OB said. Mom does not automatically have a right to be there. She's blessed to be asked.

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• llance30 member

  August 2015

  My husband will (more than likely) be deployed when it's time to deliver. My mom is the only other person I would want with me besides the medical staff. If you research doctor/doula relationships, you may end up re-thinking having one in the room with you when you deliver. I'm a healthcare professional, and I don't want anything to distract my doctor from giving my child and I the care we need. Not saying that all doulas are difficult, but if you have a great relationship with your doctor, why place a strain on that relationship by bringing in someone else?
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I trust my doctor 100% to get me through my delivery and the less people in the room to distract him and his staff from doing their job is, to me, the better choice.

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• littleSkittle14 member

  August 2015

  My husband and I enjoyed having a doula around for my first labor. It was calming for me to know there was someone with me who was knowledgeable about what was going on, since I had no idea! She also did a lot of early labor stuff (ex: walking, positioning, comforting) with me, so my husband could rest up for when things got intense.
  
  All that said, I am not having one this time. It will just be husband and I.
  
  As for your mom... It's your birth so you get to choose how you would be most comfortable. If that means doula and mom OR just doula OR neither, it's all fine.
  
  Plus it's not like you're having any old friend there.... She's a midwife and doula.

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• LeggoxMyxPreggo member

  August 2015

  Not to be the devil's advocate, but your mom does have a point. You're gonna have doctors and nurses running around anyway, one extra person throwing in unnecessary advice really wouldn't make that much of a difference. To be fair, I had to google what a "doula" was so my opinion isn't really worth too much, but from mom's point of view I can kind of understand. If you don't want her there because it's a private thing, that's one thing, and she seems willing to accept that. If you're bringing in some random friend, that's completely another. It might be "decades ago" but it's not like the process the body goes through has changed. 

  
  

  Moms will always be on your side; that's something you don't have to even question -- what if your friend suddenly has a medical suggestion you're totally against and she starts pushing it? I don't know the relationship you have, so it is, as everyone else has said, ultimately your choice. 

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• ammnam14 member

  August 2015

  I can see where your mom is coming from. You want it to be a private event, but your friend will be there. I can also see your side as well. One more person there to help couldn't hurt! Tricky situation. Why can't you have both with you? My mom will be in the delivery room along with my husband and possibly his mother. My mother was there for all of the births of her grandchildren and it was never a problem.

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• nik6499 member

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  there is a huge difference between a doula and a midwife just an FYI. I midwife can do the entire delivery from start to finish without need for a doctor to be there (except in high risk deliveries) They are certified medical professionals. Doulas are labor support people, they cannot perform a delivery and obstetric care like a midwife. They have completely different scopes of practice and are NOT interchangeable terms.

  

  
  

  DD May 2005 MC Nov. 2012

  MC Aug. 2014

  Chemical Feb. 2015

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• reware member

  August 2015

  I think that you're quite fortunate to have found someone to be your doula in December. I've called more than 15 doulas in my city and no one will take on a birth so close to Christmas (I'm EDD'd for the 15th - so not THAT close!). 

  
  

  We've had several new-parent friends tell us lately how much they wished they'd worked with a doula for their births, and I'm gutted that we can't find one. Esp because I originally thought that my mom (who is a medical professional and an amazing carer) would want to be there. But we have a very close relationship and she sort of insinuated that she didn't think she could watch me in that much pain So I think that you are doubly lucky, and epidural or not, you will probably be so grateful that you had someone there to support you and dh for your first birth. 

  
  

  Like @nik6499 said, doulas aren't medically trained (I'll be attended by midwives for that) but the benefit of a doula is having a constant presence to relay your wishes and questions to hospital staff, through hand-overs and shift changes, etc. esp when you and dh are too overwhelmed/exhausted/out of it to ask for exactly what you want, whether that is information or treatment options. 

  
  

  If your mom can play that role for you, and you would be comfortable with it, then I'd consider, but remember that this is about you and your needs. You shouldn't feel badly just because you don't need another spectator.

  
  

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• mrs14678 member

  August 2015

  My mom and I are super close, and we've already talked about birth plans, etc. We're planning on her acting as a sort of doula, since I can't really afford one, and I'd be more comfortable with my mommy anyway. Haha! She is a no-nonsense kind of lady, and has some medical knowledge, so she can talk to the doctors and nurses straight in their lingo.
  
  I think either way, if people get offended, that's their problem. You have to do what you want for yourself as it's you having this kid, not them.

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• kissmeimirish317 member

  August 2015

  @nik6499 she is actually a midwife but since I chose to go with an OB she has offered her services more as a doula. But she has a medical license and could technically deliver my baby if that was the route I had chosen.
  THANK YOU everyone so much for your responses! They are so helpful. I guess my biggest problem is that I am a FTM and don't know much about anything! Ha! To be totally honest I never knew what a doula was or what they did. I talked to my friend who delivered last year and she said she really appreciated having her there as a doula. I trust my doctor and his medical staff so I am not sure I need the help of a doula, I just don't know because I've never been through child birth before!
  As for my mom, I have a very close relationship with her and I have asked her to be at the hospital when I go into labor because I may change my mind and want her in the room. My mom can be very emotional and I worry about her being distracting/driving me nuts. (I know this first hand from seeing her reaction when my sister had her baby)
  I would like it to just be a private moment between my husband and I when the baby is actually born and I worry about having too many people in the room and too many distractions.
  I guess I still have time to think about it. But you are all right that whatever I decide I need to not feel guilty or worry about hurting people's feelings. Thank you again!

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• Nataliegz12 member

  August 2015

  This is your decision and you and your SO should be the ones to make it. My mom was very offended when I didnt let her be there for my last pregnancy, although I felt bad I knew that this was our decision to make. I will say that moment when our daughter was born was very special because it was a moment and bond shared that I can't even explain. I don't regret it at all, I think you have to worry about what you want and politely explain that its not personal and doesn't mean you love your mom less. If you chose to have your friend in there it is because you trust her medical knowledge not because you care about her more than your mom. Sometimes feelings get hurt, but this is the first of many times you'll be doing what you believe is best for your new family.

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• lpmn10 member

  August 2015

  I struggled with a lot of the same issues as you (very close to my mom, but wanted the whole experience to be mostly about husband and I). In the end, I had my husband, a doula and my mom (plus the medical staff) and everyone took on very different roles and it didn't seem like too many people at all. I think there is a way to have everyone involved, even if it's not for every part of the labor. Remember, labor can be very long, like several days for a FTM mom so having only one support person can be a lot of pressure on that person. I was in labor for about 3 days (2 days of early labor at home and 1 day of active labor at hospital). My husband was great at keeping me distracted and working on our labor exercises. My mom made us snacks and helped pick up the house so we wouldn't return home to a messy house. We talked to our doula on the phone MANY times during early labor and her advice and ideas for getting labor going were immensely helpful. We all went to the hospital (at this point, my husband and I were on night 3 of very little to no sleep) so he was fading fast. My mom jumped in a lot for comfort when he needed a break and my doula had real practical advice for labor positions. So did my midwife, but remember your OB or midwife will not be in the room with you the whole time. Even though everyone was in the room during the delivery, it did not seem like too many people. I was able to look right away at my husband once our daughter was born and everyone else just faded into the background to give us that time. Sorry this got so long, my best advice would be to have everyone available in case you need them, but let them know you might dismiss them if you and hubby are doing fine.
  

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• seahawksfans member

  August 2015

  I think it's completely ok to have anyone you want.  That said, from what I read in the pregnancy books, doulas can be helpful in lots of ways both to you and your SO making sure that you two can enjoy the experience and focus on yourselves and the baby coming (and when it gets there) instead of dealing with hospital staff, running to get a sandwich, the like.  It also means your SO can feel ok if labor goes on for hours and hours and they need a breather (or they are annoying YOU), you aren't alone while they are out of the room.  I would reconsider having the doula, and just let her know you are on the fence a little and if you change your mind during labor that is ok too.  Call your mom as soon as the baby is born and have her come then.
  

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• kaitykins member

  August 2015

  Another conversation might be good. Explain why you want a doula, ( decreased chance of C-section is a good reason, or frees your husband up to focus on the moments instead of feeling like the advocate, whatever your reasons). And then explain how you want to share this moment with your husband. The fact that your doula is your friend should not matter, and the fact that you want an epidural shouldn't effect your choice to have a doula.
  

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