My daughter is devastated

carrierebekah3 · August 2015

Today i told my 11 year daughter that I'm pregnant and she is so upset. She won't stop crying and telling me she doesn't want a baby. I don't even know what to do. Any suggestions?

mb0112 · August 2015

Give her more time to process it.

I don't have kids yet so I can't imagine how that would feel. Must suck! Can your husband (if you are married) talk to her once she cools down and explain that it must be hurtful to you and that it's ok to have mixed feelings, but you were hoping she would be happy to welcome a new sibling. If she's an only child so far, she might feel threatened but find ways to include her and make her feel that her role is an important one-- decorating a nursery, talking about names, shopping, etc?

fwtx5815 · August 2015

I'm sorry you got a negative reaction!

My advice would be to give her space and time. Don't try force any excitement on her. Don't bring up baby stuff for a while and give her time to let it sink in.

KJKNAJ · August 2015

Last year my oldest DD let us know in no uncertain terms that a baby would definitely be bad for our family. She had all kinds of back up as to why too. So I was dreading telling her I was pg. Sure enough she was less than thrilled, but after a couple of days, and lots of reassurance that the things she worried about would not happen, she came around. Don't gush about it but do make sure you talk about it in a positive way and she'll get there!

ceds07 · August 2015

Oh no! I'm so sorry that she is so upset about this. I agree with the others time is definitely important. Will she talk to you? Let her talk through why she's so upset and understand her point of view. Once she settles down a bit being part of the process and making her really involved in getting ready for the baby might help too.

ecwk · August 2015

Aw I'm sorry she's upset. I was around that age when my mom got pregnant. I remember not being thrilled about it initially, probably due to me thinking our nice status quo would be completely ruined. As I got used to the idea I became more and more excited and when my sister was born I was so proud and the age difference was great, I was almost like a second mom to her growing up and we are very close. Give her time, she'll come round!

mrsmtothek · August 2015

ecwk said:

Aw I'm sorry she's upset. I was around that age when my mom got pregnant. I remember not being thrilled about it initially, probably due to me thinking our nice status quo would be completely ruined. As I got used to the idea I became more and more excited and when my sister was born I was so proud and the age difference was great, I was almost like a second mom to her growing up and we are very close. Give her time, she'll come round!

This. I think at that age, processing any kind of change is difficult! My sister and I have a 9 year age difference and when she was born I absolutely adored her. Give her some time, and good luck!

melzseb · August 2015

My DS will be 11 when this one is born and I worry about telling him as well. He was so good about it when he was 6, but three days later we had a miscarriage. I'm not sure when we will tell him, but certainly before we tell anyone else. Only DH and I know now.

carrierebekah3 · August 2015

She is a little better today but she gets upset if she sees a baby or baby stuff. I hope she comes around. I have said every reassuring and positive thing i could think of.

melzseb · August 2015

Will you be finding out the gender befor birth? MAybe she can be part of that?

KJKNAJ · August 2015

She'll come around. One of the only benefits to pregnancy being so dang long is that it gives everyone a chance to get used to the idea;)

Hullabaloo2016 · August 2015

We took my 13 year old step daughter to our viability scan. We ask her if she wants a little brother our a little sister. I told her since she is the fashionista in the family and I'm fashionably challenged, that she will be responsible for dressing this poor kid (she loved that idea). I told her she won't have to babysit unless she wants to earn some extra money. DH has been spending some one on one time with her when I'm at work on the weekends. She is sort of in the teenage I'm-too-cool-to-care-either-way phase. It's her bio mom that is causing havoc in our lives right now. But I told her straight up, it's okay if you are upset, worried, angry, etc but let us know so we can talk about it. I also told her she can be involved as little or as much as she wants to be, except cutting the umbilical cord like she did for her mom, that's a little too involved. DH just took her out for breakfast yesterday to talk about some of her concerns and worries about the baby along with some other drama with her mom. Even with several years of knowing she might one day expect a sibling, she still has some concerns. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully time will help her.

fwtx5815 · August 2015

Hullabaloo2016 said:
We took my 13 year old step daughter to our viability scan. We ask her if she wants a little brother our a little sister. I told her since she is the fashionista in the family and I'm fashionably challenged, that she will be responsible for dressing this poor kid (she loved that idea). I told her she won't have to babysit unless she wants to earn some extra money. DH has been spending some one on one time with her when I'm at work on the weekends. She is sort of in the teenage I'm-too-cool-to-care-either-way phase. It's her bio mom that is causing havoc in our lives right now. But I told her straight up, it's okay if you are upset, worried, angry, etc but let us know so we can talk about it. I also told her she can be involved as little or as much as she wants to be, except cutting the umbilical cord like she did for her mom, that's a little too involved. DH just took her out for breakfast yesterday to talk about some of her concerns and worries about the baby along with some other drama with her mom. Even with several years of knowing she might one day expect a sibling, she still has some concerns. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully time will help her.

As the daughter of divorced and remarried parents with a not-great relationship with my dads wife, it sounds like you're kicking ass at this step mom thing :-bd

ndgraham · August 2015

Hullabaloo2016 said:
We took my 13 year old step daughter to our viability scan. We ask her if she wants a little brother our a little sister. I told her since she is the fashionista in the family and I'm fashionably challenged, that she will be responsible for dressing this poor kid (she loved that idea). I told her she won't have to babysit unless she wants to earn some extra money. DH has been spending some one on one time with her when I'm at work on the weekends. She is sort of in the teenage I'm-too-cool-to-care-either-way phase. It's her bio mom that is causing havoc in our lives right now. But I told her straight up, it's okay if you are upset, worried, angry, etc but let us know so we can talk about it. I also told her she can be involved as little or as much as she wants to be, except cutting the umbilical cord like she did for her mom, that's a little too involved. DH just took her out for breakfast yesterday to talk about some of her concerns and worries about the baby along with some other drama with her mom. Even with several years of knowing she might one day expect a sibling, she still has some concerns. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully time will help her.

My dad & step-mom did the same things when I was 14 and my step-mom got pregnant! Everything worked out perfectly. I went to all the ultrasounds, read baby books with my step-mom, and was able to ask her & my dad really any questions I had. I think the open lines of communication helped with a smooth transition.

carrierebekah3 · August 2015

I told her she can come to whatever she wants and be my consultant with the nursery. I also told her that i would love for her to be at the birth if she wants too. She said she could help and i made sure it was only when she wanted to and i would never force her to do anything. She has 2 half sisters that are with her bio dad and he kinda forgot she existed when they came along. I explained that it would never be like that with me and i think it helped a little.

MrsBroughton15 · August 2015

Hullabaloo2016 said:

We took my 13 year old step daughter to our viability scan. We ask her if she wants a little brother our a little sister. I told her since she is the fashionista in the family and I'm fashionably challenged, that she will be responsible for dressing this poor kid (she loved that idea). I told her she won't have to babysit unless she wants to earn some extra money. DH has been spending some one on one time with her when I'm at work on the weekends. She is sort of in the teenage I'm-too-cool-to-care-either-way phase. It's her bio mom that is causing havoc in our lives right now. But I told her straight up, it's okay if you are upset, worried, angry, etc but let us know so we can talk about it. I also told her she can be involved as little or as much as she wants to be, except cutting the umbilical cord like she did for her mom, that's a little too involved. DH just took her out for breakfast yesterday to talk about some of her concerns and worries about the baby along with some other drama with her mom. Even with several years of knowing she might one day expect a sibling, she still has some concerns. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully time will help her.

You're awesome. I just got married a the beginning of July and we found out 2 weeks later we're expecting. I have a 13 year old stepdaughter as well and I still can't read her and how she feels about it. I'm def taking notes from you! =D>

mb0112 · August 2015

Hullabaloo2016 said:
We took my 13 year old step daughter to our viability scan. We ask her if she wants a little brother our a little sister. I told her since she is the fashionista in the family and I'm fashionably challenged, that she will be responsible for dressing this poor kid (she loved that idea). I told her she won't have to babysit unless she wants to earn some extra money. DH has been spending some one on one time with her when I'm at work on the weekends. She is sort of in the teenage I'm-too-cool-to-care-either-way phase. It's her bio mom that is causing havoc in our lives right now. But I told her straight up, it's okay if you are upset, worried, angry, etc but let us know so we can talk about it. I also told her she can be involved as little or as much as she wants to be, except cutting the umbilical cord like she did for her mom, that's a little too involved. DH just took her out for breakfast yesterday to talk about some of her concerns and worries about the baby along with some other drama with her mom. Even with several years of knowing she might one day expect a sibling, she still has some concerns. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully time will help her.

I agree you're doing awesome! My stepdaughter is almost 7, so I think I'm lucky with her at an age where she will be more excited, less angsty about a baby sibling. We haven't told her yet but she has made it clear since before our wedding that she wants me to have a baby. Still I know there will be times of jealousy or mixed feelings since she is used to being an only child and her mother is bound to express some negativity once she finds out. I hope I can handle all of that with maturity and patience, but with the emotions of being pregnant, who knows.

Hullabaloo2016 · August 2015

fwtx5815 said:

Hullabaloo2016 said:
We took my 13 year old step daughter to our viability scan. We ask her if she wants a little brother our a little sister. I told her since she is the fashionista in the family and I'm fashionably challenged, that she will be responsible for dressing this poor kid (she loved that idea). I told her she won't have to babysit unless she wants to earn some extra money. DH has been spending some one on one time with her when I'm at work on the weekends. She is sort of in the teenage I'm-too-cool-to-care-either-way phase. It's her bio mom that is causing havoc in our lives right now. But I told her straight up, it's okay if you are upset, worried, angry, etc but let us know so we can talk about it. I also told her she can be involved as little or as much as she wants to be, except cutting the umbilical cord like she did for her mom, that's a little too involved. DH just took her out for breakfast yesterday to talk about some of her concerns and worries about the baby along with some other drama with her mom. Even with several years of knowing she might one day expect a sibling, she still has some concerns. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully time will help her.
As the daughter of divorced and remarried parents with a not-great relationship with my dads wife, it sounds like you're kicking ass at this step mom thing :-bd

You totally made me cry! Thanks so much. My dad and my step mom raised me, so I've seen the divorced life of a kid from both sides. I really relate to my step daughter and now my step mom and I are super close because I understand so much more of what it was like for her. It's still really hard some days, but DH AND SD are totally worth it.
Edit to add: Thank you all for the support, it's tough being a step mom and you ladies totally made my day!

RosyK · August 2015

It could be that the whole 'parents having sex' thing is gross to her right now, and she might think her friends will make a big deal about that part of it etc.

I'd give her some time and in a week or so, if she's still acting like this, tell her it's time to suck it up because her attitude isn't going to change anything, but it's making you sad.

smount2011 · August 2015

carrierebekah3 said:

I told her she can come to whatever she wants and be my consultant with the nursery. I also told her that i would love for her to be at the birth if she wants too. She said she could help and i made sure it was only when she wanted to and i would never force her to do anything. She has 2 half sisters that are with her bio dad and he kinda forgot she existed when they came along. I explained that it would never be like that with me and i think it helped a little.

I kinda have the same thing with my 11 year old child. Her father and stepmother treat her very differently from her 2 siblings down there. Before we knew I was pregnant she often told me she no longer wanted a baby because she is too afraid she will get shafted again. However she also knew that DH and I had been trying for 4 years, so when she did find out she was over the moon!

I too was raised that way- I was raised by my grandparents, and had to watch my parents (who were never together) go off, get married, have other kids, and left me all alone. I promised my child that would never happen to her because I know how sucky it feels. DH has been in her life since she was 18 months old and he is one of the few that will treat her like one of his own. We've already let her help us start a baby registry, and she has made room in her bedroom so she can share her room with baby. I do plan on taking her to appointments and especially my gender scan! If she can handle it I don't even mind if she is in labor/delivery with me.

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