Baby shower blues..

blue024 · August 2015

I'm a ftm and I'm having a baby boy (yay), at first I wanted to plan my own baby shower. After MUCH coaxing, my mom convinced me to let her throw it for me instead. I appreciate her wanting to do it, but I also feel completely left out of all the decision making. Like literally all I know is the day place and time. I want to be more involved,but I don't want to make my mom feel bad for trying to surprise me. Any advice?

ammnam14 · August 2015

Have you talked to her about it? Maybe casually ask her if she needs any help and if she says no just let it be. I don't think she would feel bad if you just asked.

good luck!

ketobaby · August 2015

This is how my shower will be done. I will know nothing but a time and place. I think it is fairly common for the guest of honor to only really be involved with the guest list and providing dates that she is available. Maybe reach out to her and ask her about any specifics that you may be concerned with.

grkgdss00 · August 2015

I think this is normal. It was hard for me also, as I would like certain things and pick out invitations etc just cause it's an exciting time. But, you just have to let it go and be thankful for those who are doing this for you. When the girls requested the names/addresses of invitees, I also added a column for my "ideas" without being too specific - books in lieu of cards, etc. This way they will see my suggestions if they want to use them, but if not, no biggie.

VesperLove · August 2015

I think you should ask yourself why you want to be involved. Typically (and I know there are exceptions) a baby shower isn't thrown by the mom-to-be and they don't have any say in the party aside from selecting a date and the guest list. They show up and get showered. It's meant to be something the mom doesn't have to think about, worry about, do anything for. They are the guest of honor who doesn't have to life a finger to help.

I know not all people like it that way, so I'm curious why it is you want a say. Are you concerned she isn't going to throw a fun party? Do you have dietary restrictions? Do you have a vision in your head of exactly what you want your shower to be and you don't think anything else will satisfy you? I'm not asking these to be judge-y, I'm just wondering what is driving you to want a connection to the planning process.

I think once you determine what that is, you should talk to your mom. Let her know specifically why you're feeling the need/desire to be involved and see if there are any ways that she can include you. But I also think there's something to say for letting go. Your mom obviously wants to do this for you and perhaps it's something you should just let her do and enjoy herself. Either way I'm sure it'll be a great day for you.

Long story short, if you have specific reasons you think you can bring up to your mom about why you want to help and can find a middle ground, i say go for it. But, if there aren't any specific reasons and it's just because you want control of it, I would say challenge yourself to consider stepping back and just seeing what happens.

dp1320 · August 2015

Showers are a gift - not an entitlement - if she wants to gift you with a shower, you should be appreciative and if she wants you to be involved, she'll ask!

MrsBwIVF · August 2015

I agree @kyleneum13 that showers are a gift and not an entitlement, that being said, I was also upset when I was originally told I would have no say.
It's not that I don't trust my mother or aunt, who have graciously offered to host. And it's not that I don't think they can throw a fun party. For me, it's because I LOVE throwing parties, organizing, coming up with a theme and decorating. Yes, I know the deal is that I am supposed to be the one showered with love, but for me, some of that love is helping with the details. And I am also a huge planner! When things aren't planned ahead properly, I get bad anxiety about it, even when it's nothing for me but instead a party someone else is throwing
I am extremely blessed and will be given 3 showers- one for each side of our families as they live a few hours apart and one more casual, fun party for just friends that my bff has asked me if she could throw. And, knowing the friends one would be less traditional, she has asked for my input on a lot for several reasons. The biggest being she knew I was bursting a bit at not being able to help with the other two showers, so she is giving me an outlet for all of my ideas and organizing brain. It has helped my anxiety lessen over having no control over the other two showers.

OP, maybe thats an option? Do you have a close friend who was upset she couldn't throw you a shower? I know when I spoke to my mom about it, she was elated because she wasn't sure how she'd fit 10 more people in my home after her list of 30-40.

Court11152325 · August 2015

I think it could be worth saying that you have some ideas of fun things or food or whatever you'd like to see at your shower. Or phrase it more firmly and say you'd really like x, y, and z and if needed you could provide some money for it.

I really really want pumpkin cheesecake at my October baby shower. I'm obsessed with it. I told my friend who's planning it that I love it and would appreciate if it was one of the desserts. She was cool with that. We also went over a color scheme and she showed me the invitations. Everything else is pretty much up to her, but I'm sure if all of a sudden I have to have fried chicken I wouldn't feel embarrassed to ask or request it.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is make your requests and ask to tag along when she's picking things out, but also be grateful someone has offered to help you out.

MrsBwIVF · August 2015

Court11152325 said:
I think it could be worth saying that you have some ideas of fun things or food or whatever you'd like to see at your shower. Or phrase it more firmly and say you'd really like x, y, and z and if needed you could provide some money for it.

I really really want pumpkin cheesecake at my October baby shower. I'm obsessed with it. I told my friend who's planning it that I love it and would appreciate if it was one of the desserts. She was cool with that. We also went over a color scheme and she showed me the invitations. Everything else is pretty much up to her, but I'm sure if all of a sudden I have to have fried chicken I wouldn't feel embarrassed to ask or request it.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is make your requests and ask to tag along when she's picking things out, but also be grateful someone has offered to help you out.

Mmmmmm.... pumpkin cheesecake. You had greats ideas in your post but I can't get past the cheesecake....

VesperLove · August 2015

MrsBwIVF said:

I agree @kyleneum13 that showers are a gift and not an entitlement, that being said, I was also upset when I was originally told I would have no say. It's not that I don't trust my mother or aunt, who have graciously offered to host. And it's not that I don't think they can throw a fun party. For me, it's because I LOVE throwing parties, organizing, coming up with a theme and decorating. Yes, I know the deal is that I am supposed to be the one showered with love, but for me, some of that love is helping with the details. And I am also a huge planner! When things aren't planned ahead properly, I get bad anxiety about it, even when it's nothing for me but instead a party someone else is throwing I am extremely blessed and will be given 3 showers- one for each side of our families as they live a few hours apart and one more casual, fun party for just friends that my bff has asked me if she could throw. And, knowing the friends one would be less traditional, she has asked for my input on a lot for several reasons. The biggest being she knew I was bursting a bit at not being able to help with the other two showers, so she is giving me an outlet for all of my ideas and organizing brain. It has helped my anxiety lessen over having no control over the other two showers. OP, maybe thats an option? Do you have a close friend who was upset she couldn't throw you a shower? I know when I spoke to my mom about it, she was elated because she wasn't sure how she'd fit 10 more people in my home after her list of 30-40.

I totally get that. I really enjoy planning events (that aren't for me) and love the process of moving something from idea through to completion and final product ... but I also have a counter question simply out of curiosity.

When you are throwing a party for someone and are putting all the details together, planning, organizing, decorating, and someone wants to step in and help/give their ideas/potentially cause you to have to compromise on other ideas you already had, how would you/do you feel about it?

I know when I am planning something and I'm really into it I hate to have to share the responsibility and I like to be able to do things exactly the way I envision it.

What if the person who offered to throw the shower feels the same way? What if they feel like they can't do what they envision because there are too many hands in the pot so to speak? I guess that's why I feel most comfortable stepping away. If someone offered to throw something for me, i want them to be able to do what they want to do not and be concerned with me trying to change things or anyone else trying to give input on the ideas they may already have and want to do.

GardenMama116 · August 2015

I guess I'm totally not part of the norm when it comes to my Baby Shower. If the OP's family is anything like mine, I completely understand where she is coming from!

It looks like I will only be having one because only one person has offered to host for me...she has been my best friend for 15+ years. We had lunch can last month and I told her I had already bought the stamps for the invitations...I bought my invitation off Etsy and sent to printer today...my husband is addressing the envelopes. I did email my friend a guest list and what I was thinking about for food last week.

I do like to be in charge of things and most events in my family fall on my shoulders so I'm used to calling the shots. When I toldy mom last week to Save the Date, she asked in a not-so-pleasant tone who was hosting and then mentioned that she & my sister were thinking about having one for me. Ummmm, when were they going to tell me? This is very typical of my family and to be expected.

And the main reason I want to help my friend so much is because she just sold and bought a new house at the end of summer...moved to a new county...has 2 school-aged children that are starting in a new school district and I don't want to overburden her. Aside from the guest list, invited, and food, I'm trying to leave the rest up to her.

MrsBwIVF · August 2015

@kyleneum13, yes, I'm completely fine with their ideas coming into play. I have been asked to organize and throw partied for my friends for their loved ones because they don't like to deal with details. I always sit with them and work out a general theme, flow, food, ideas and such. Whenever some new idea or option came up, I'd always run it by them to see if they liked it or had pictured something else.
And when I throw parties for like our housewarming or DH's 30th birthday, I accepted friends help with decorations and families help and ideas for food.

But with showers, I know the etiquette is COMPLETELY different which is why is was such a blessing when my friend asked to throw me a friend shower. It gave me an outlet for my ideas. I mentioned once to my mother that if they wanted input from me with the family shower, to let me know, otherwise I'd stay quiet. And actually, since then, my mom and aunt have asked me to come to a "planning" meeting with them because they haven't done one in years and would like my input. I know how great it is that they asked for input and how it's not the norm and I'll probably catch flak from the extreme traditionalists but I didn't push for it. The only input I gave originally was to not have it on a Sunday because I cannot miss a day of football, ha.

MoreKittens · August 2015

I also have really fun ideas of what I want, but after talking with my sister, mom, and best friend (all throwing the same shower), I realized that as much fun as I have planning it, they are having with gifting it to us. For me to take over would hurt their feelings. We've made a few requests (co-ed, beer) but as much as I have a vision for what I'd do, so do they, and by forcing my vision down their throats, it's trampling on their toes.

Court11152325) that you can definitely make requests, but this is them trying to shower you with love

VesperLove · August 2015

MrsBwIVF said:

@kyleneum13, yes, I'm completely fine with their ideas coming into play. I have been asked to organize and throw partied for my friends for their loved ones because they don't like to deal with details. I always sit with them and work out a general theme, flow, food, ideas and such. Whenever some new idea or option came up, I'd always run it by them to see if they liked it or had pictured something else. And when I throw parties for like our housewarming or DH's 30th birthday, I accepted friends help with decorations and families help and ideas for food. But with showers, I know the etiquette is COMPLETELY different which is why is was such a blessing when my friend asked to throw me a friend shower. It gave me an outlet for my ideas. I mentioned once to my mother that if they wanted input from me with the family shower, to let me know, otherwise I'd stay quiet. And actually, since then, my mom and aunt have asked me to come to a "planning" meeting with them because they haven't done one in years and would like my input. I know how great it is that they asked for input and how it's not the norm and I'll probably catch flak from the extreme traditionalists but I didn't push for it. The only input I gave originally was to not have it on a Sunday because I cannot miss a day of football, ha.

If my sister tried to schedule mine during a football game I would require everyone show up in Seahawks gear and that we have the game on in the background ... and that no one should plan on talking to me the entire time because I'd be watching the game

maiatene · August 2015

blue024 said:

I'm a ftm and I'm having a baby boy (yay), at first I wanted to plan my own baby shower. After MUCH coaxing, my mom convinced me to let her throw it for me instead. I appreciate her wanting to do it, but I also feel completely left out of all the decision making. Like literally all I know is the day place and time. I want to be more involved,but I don't want to make my mom feel bad for trying to surprise me. Any advice?

You gotta let it go momma. Other than giving her the guest list and your availability its hands off for you. It's a gift like PP said, so as hard as it may be let your mom do her thing. If she wants input she'll probably ask one of your friends, and I'm assuming this the first granbaby so she's probably super excited. I didn't want a shower but my mum wasn't having it. She lives in Florida so I just told her the date, location and guest list and when the day came I put on a dress and a smile. It def wasn't anything I would've planned, but it made her happy and my guests were happy so I was happy... happier than I expected. I actually started crying because the room was full of love and support and that's what is important. I wouldn't have changed a thing about that day... except maybe not wear strappy heels

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

My MiL is letting me help with the decorations. She knows I am a minimal person where as she is a extravagant planner. We are doing an aquatic themed nursery and I love the Beatles so MiL had the wonderful idea to have an "Octopus's Garden" themed baby shower. I am letting her do all the silly games and stuff but SiL and I will be in charge of making paper plate jellyfish, paper streamer waves, and coral reef wall decor out of butcher paper. I tried to put out there somethings I don't want but SO told me to let his mom have this so we can tell her to back off other things.

Edit: Honestly, as long as she stresses to guests that we are going cloth diapers I don't care what the shower is like. I just don't want half my gifts to include disposable diapers that are not really going to get used.

ChiccoBeanz · August 2015

My mom and aunt will throw me one. My mom said my aunt will select the theme, but they want me to give ideas. I'm sure whatever my aunt picks will be amazing. She is super creative and my mom is a party visionary. I also like surprises. Now my 2nd shower is going to be done by my fmil. I'm not saying or doing anything for that one. She may ask me about food and game info, I'll give that, but that's about it. I intend to just show up and be pleasant and grateful. I know it's really important to my mom and fmil to throw me showers because it is their first grandchild on each side. So I decided to just let them have fun. What's the worst that can happen? Either way my son and newly growing family is being celebrated, and it's a reason for ppl to gather for something happy.

haylierm · August 2015

Maybe just pick like one aspect that you'd like to be involved in? My mom and godmother are throwing mine pretty much without my help. I just told them some of the types of games I thought would be fun because we are doing it coed. I don't want it to be too girly and my male guests not to have a fun time. They are planning everything from food, to times, to games. I told her that I would get some of the game prizes because, again, I don't think my male guests would have much use for some of the girly things my mom has pinned on Pinterest. Haha

seahawksfans · August 2015

Other than giving an opinion on something you find totally offensive I agree with PP .... showers are not hosted by the celebrated person. You should give your mom a big bear hug and thank you and back off... otherwise folks coming to your shower are going to think you are rather selfish the more you get involved.

morninstar · August 2015

I wish that were me and even though you want more control in it, it's awesome that she wants to do it completely for you! My sister texts me once in a while telling me to let her know what I need help with when my brother told her I should not be doing it myself. I see none of my family wanting to take the initiative to throw one for me and I'm at the point where I don't think I will bother. I am in no mood to throw one myself. I have my registry already made.
I agree it's like a gift to you and trust that she will do her best to make you happy. If there are certain things like the cake or invitations that you would prefer to have a say in, I don't see a problem in letting her know.

Gingermom15 · August 2015

My friend is hosting mine, but I have been helping her some with food options, time and place, etc and I did pick my own invitations and ordered them myself and she reimbursed me. Probably an etiquette no no, but she and I both agreed they were perfect. Decorations and everything else are up to her, but she is running cake ideas passed me and seeing what I like. She has never thrown a shower before and I have, so it's fun for us and a learning experience for her.

kdoak2015 · August 2015

All I can say is I was happy not to plan my own and loved all of the surprises. It was a gender reveal/shower combined so I couldn't really help much.

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