Co-parenting with newborn

ashleylenae21 · August 2015

hello! I'm currently 33 weeks and time is flying by. I've tried to prepare myself for months for co parenting and I'm still at square one with it. The father and I get along but he has chose to be with someone else, who lives with him. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings with how hard it's going to be in general. I have resentment towards him for not choosing to be by my side for 8 months, but yet I do believe he is going to make a great father. He wants to be as involved as possible. I do not know the girlfriend but I do know she isn't fond of me which makes me worry for the future. How will he see her everyday? How will I share her and keep her in a routine? Do I need to meet the girlfriend? Tons of questions, just looking for advice or someone to talk to if you've been through it. Thanks!

PlainJane8350 · August 2015

I don't have experience to that extent, but my husband and I have had rough patches even through my pregnancy. Everyone told me not to make decisions while I was pregnant. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're having to go through this and that you're already such a great mom! Your attitude sounds surprisingly good and you can tell that you're thinking about what's best for baby. Thinking of you!

hatchback4g · August 2015

I can't give any advice on co-parenting but if the girlfriend is living with your ex and your baby may be left in her care you definetely need to meet her. Have you looked to see if maybe there are any support groups in your area? Connecting with others in your situation may help, also I would suggest talking to a lawyer, you want to get visitation and child support and such down on paper to protect not only you and baby but him as well. Some guys tend to get defensive when you start talking lawyer and court and all that but if he does make sure to point out it protects his rights as well. Also a laywer that has done this before may have advice or suggestions on where to receive guidance or support locally.

Good Luck! My sister is trying to navigate all of this as well so I know it can be difficult. Sending prayers and good vibes

Cupcakequeen1000 · August 2015

Wow thats hard, a friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd baby when her husband left her for another woman. In most areas due to "breast feeding " and other things the father cant actually get court ordered visitation until age 2. I would definitely talk to a lawer as pp said and get the facts and laws from where your from. I am not saying you shouldn't let her see him at all until 2 but you probably have way more control of when and how long with a newborn.
When comes to the gf, I would insist on meeting her before allowing her to be around my child. Maybe yall could all have lunch to make it less awkard. Best of luck to you!!

rjanice · August 2015

This was my life with my first born, who is now 12. I was 18 when she was born and thought it best to keep her with me for the first few months. Her father would come over to visit her or watch her while I ran errands but I didn't allow him to actually take her anywhere without me until she was almost 6 months. Alot of that stemmed from me not wanting baby girl to think daddys girlfriend was her mom which now is absolutely ridiculous to me but I was 18 what did I know!? Dad and I decided on a split schedule. I had her Sunday afternoon til Friday morning and he had the weekend with her. After my bitterness towards the gf subsided, I got to know her a little and saw how much she loved my daughter. Now my daughter is 12 and she goes over her stepmoms (even though her father and chick are not together, shes been a constant role model in my daughters life plus she has three other siblings there now) every other weekend. "Stepmom" and I get along really well. Her kids sleep over my house and vice versa. My son says that her son is his best friend.

Like pp said give it time. An arrangement will work out. Sometimes you have to trial different arrangements before finding what works for your situation.

jbettles · August 2015

I haven't been in this situation, but a friend has. Her relationship with her kids' dad went south fast, unfortunately... I've seen how petty and ridiculous it can get, so I guess my advice is for you to work hard on maintaining a positive relationship with him. You said you get along at this point, which is great! I'd talk to him soon about how serious he is about his girlfriend, and if he would like her to be a part of his child's life. If so, let him know you would like to meet her, then. I don't think that's unreasonable. If there are issues from there, it might get a little hairy, but it's a place to start!!

meggipi5 · August 2015

Yes, you need to meet the girlfriend, especially if the baby (in the future, not right away) will spend time with her.

WDDCH · August 2015

I'd have him come over to visit. No overnights especially if you breastfeed. If you pump or use formula you could definitely leave baby with daddy during days, if you're comfortable doing so and have met the girlfriend. As baby gets older I'm sure you'll both start to figure out a great routine so baby sees both parents. You do not have to have a routine figured out right now at all. Take it as it comes.

And the girlfriend, if she's a serious relationship in his life, needs to get over whatever attitude she has against you, mature up and prepare to take on a stepmom-type role or I'd never leave baby with her alone. At this pint they're not married so I am not as concerned about her but I think meeting and trying to get along is a great idea.

Rachelsbaby · August 2015

I would def want to meet her. If she's not fond of you she needs to get over it because your going to be around for the next 18 years weather she likes it or not. I have not experienced this personally but I feel really bad for your situation. If you plan on EBF then he's going to have to visit you for a while until the baby is weind. Might not be a bad thing this will also give you time to get acquainted with his GF. Best of luck to you

Atlasmom · August 2015

I don't have direct experience. Only to say that I have an 8yr stepson that I love very much and took care of for a while before meeting the mom. Just trying to ease your worry of another caretaker.

To echo what other PP have said make sure you protect yourself, baby, and even dad through the legal channels.

My friend had both her and dad sign an agreement that either wouldn't have overnight guest or introduce baby to an SO unless the relationship was longer than 8months and "serious". They both would have to meet the SO first.

You are asking all the right questions!

Taekarate1978 · August 2015

rjanice said:
This was my life with my first born, who is now 12. I was 18 when she was born and thought it best to keep her with me for the first few months. Her father would come over to visit her or watch her while I ran errands but I didn't allow him to actually take her anywhere without me until she was almost 6 months. Alot of that stemmed from me not wanting baby girl to think daddys girlfriend was her mom which now is absolutely ridiculous to me but I was 18 what did I know!? Dad and I decided on a split schedule. I had her Sunday afternoon til Friday morning and he had the weekend with her. After my bitterness towards the gf subsided, I got to know her a little and saw how much she loved my daughter. Now my daughter is 12 and she goes over her stepmoms (even though her father and chick are not together, shes been a constant role model in my daughters life plus she has three other siblings there now) every other weekend. "Stepmom" and I get along really well. Her kids sleep over my house and vice versa. My son says that her son is his best friend.

Like pp said give it time. An arrangement will work out. Sometimes you have to trial different arrangements before finding what works for your situation.

I did the same with my first born. We weren't divorced and my son was born a week before I turned twenty. I found I made the right choice to keep him with me. Every situation is different. If you think baby's father will be a good one, get to know the girlfriend. Work out a visitation plan you are comfortable with and definitely fix it through a lawyer. Visitation can always be extended as baby gets older. My younger son has a great relationship with his father and visits when he wants. He is fourteen now. It started out as half a day visits where his dad would get him in the morning and bring him back in the afternoon. It worked out well for us and as my son got older he started staying the night some, etc. visitation grew as the boy grew.

str13 · August 2015

This is such a hard situation, you've gotten a lot of awesome advice above! ^^ You really do have a great perspective! You are a wonderful mother already!! It also seems like your ex is willing to work with you to know baby. Just from what you've said, it seems he'll be understanding of anything y'all need to do for baby. I think he'd appreciate any boundaries you set, might help him be at ease too!
As far as the GF, I guess I'd meet her, I liked the idea of lunch or having them come over to your place. I think it's more than appropriate to ask that she not watch baby until baby's older and you know her better.

chelseajeanene · August 2015

Well the girlfriend I guarantee doesn't like you just because you're having her new mans baby, you have one up on her and I think in any situation that would be difficult. I would meet her when you're ready because she will eventually be around your child and I'm sure you'd want to know who's around the baby. Just try your best and see what works for both of you, try not to stress about it now and if he truly will be a great father I'm sure he will work with you

ashleylenae21 · August 2015

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. This is all just so overwhelming my head is in so many places. One day I wake up so mad and the next day I'm calm and somewhat reasonable. Me and the father have had a long long on and off relationship, then about a year and a half ago he met someone else. They split a few times and being the routine we have, he ended up back with me..and that's how my daughter was made lol. He ended up back with her, and a month or so later I let him know I was pregnant. So it's hard in the aspect of he didn't "abandon" me but he is choosing to be there with her instead of me. I think he's very torn..he will tell me he doesn't know what to do. Loves me and wants a family but yet stays where he is. I've finally stopped letting the promises get to my heart and now I'm just focused on the baby coming and how I'm going to handle it all.

I do agree, I need to meet her. As bad as I don't want to. I read how some fathers would come over and visit. Maybe that's a possibility? I just don't know how he's going to say "well girlfriend, I'm heading over to my ex's house" and her be OK with it. I suppose that is not my problem but i just really really hope it doesn't affect him in seeing her. He's been so supportive and helpful. I stopped at his house and he's already got the nursery painted and ready. He seems so excited. Her jealously I'm hoping isn't an issue. I posted my first sonogram picture a few months back and tagged him...and that caused so much drama. I wasn't being rude, I was just showing off my picture. If you can get so mad over that...it is going to get so much worse. She's younger (hooters waitress) and very pretty. So maybe when I meet her, it will be when I'm not a blimp and lose some baby weight lol.

I cry almost every night about this. I hate things are already so broken. I love him, he knows that. But I can't make someone be a family...as bad as I want it. I've been thinking about a lawyer, or it probably wouldn't hurt to get some legal advice. Maybe everything will change once she gets here? I just don't know....I hope like i read above that I will get most of the say so at first with visitation because it breaks my heart already thinking of him taking her and another woman holding her. I hope that's not selfish. I'm trying.

PlainJane8350 · August 2015

Hooters waitress or not, he won't love anyone more than your baby girl and it sounds like he's already excited. I'm sure that situation will work itself out, especially if she makes him feel like he has to choose. In the meantime, just keep up the good work! We're all emotional right now, but I'd follow the general rule of not making any decisions right now and see how you feel after the baby is born.

ashleylenae21 · August 2015

thanks! I 100% agree, no drastic decisions until after I'm not a hormonal mess.

ROrtiz07 · August 2015

I'm pretty much in the same boat. & lurking from Oct15 lol.
My baby's father and I were never in a relationship, we have a decent relationship and I know he'll be a great father to our son. I do trust him to be very involved and supportive in parenting. Although he's not seeing anyone exclusively (that I know of), I know that would definitely add to my resentment so I feel you on that lol.
If he was, I'd definitely want to meet the girlfriend, especially if they were living together. I'd feel better knowing I had her contact info in case I couldn't reach him for whatever reason. I think that's as far as I'd take a relationship with a new girlfriend to begin with.
As far as visitation & financial support, get everything on paper. Sit down, have a long talk, write everything down & pray for the best lol. Men tend to get super defensive when they hear lawyer. I plan on putting everything in writing & having it notarized but if we can't come to an agreement, I'm all for a lawyer.

And if you need anyone to chat with & vent to, I'm all ears (or eyes, whatever lol). I've had a hard time finding someone in a similar situation that can relate to me so I'd be more than happy to exhange emails or something

ashleylenae21 · August 2015

Thanks so much I really appreciate it! I'm going to just take things slow and hope for the best. My family says I'm thinking too much about it and it needs to just play out after she comes. I'm such a planner and like to be prepared so not knowing my routine and how things are going to affect my life kills me. But regardless she will have me and that's all she will ever need.

I've made it almost 9 months so I can't break down now.

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