Mommy Martyrs and Pooping Alone

mkross123 · August 2015

So I follow a lot of people I know in my personal life and groups etc. on Facebook that have to do with parenting. I have noticed a trend which seems to be to emphasize and glorify giving up things for one's children. I am well-aware of how much is sacrificed to parent. It's why I waited until I was 30 to get pregnant and why I cry sometimes on my most hormonal days ("But *sniff* I won't always *sniff* be able to do coworker happy hour *waiiiiil*. With that said, I feel like it's a competition in our generation to prove who gave up the most and who is suffering more for their children and I am kind of fed up with it! These babies aren't going to high five you when they're fifteen for refusing to hire a babysitter and go out on date night for the first year of their lives. There are not parenting awards given out for most days without a shower. This isn't a video game where you level up at the end of the day. And I teach high school...no teenager is going to say, "Thanks mom for never pooping alone and bringing me in the bathroom with you instead of leaving me in a pack and play for five minutes." Trust me. They'll think it's weird down the road. So this is my rant for the day, and while I know we all make promises we can't keep, I am pledging to try to poop alone most, if not all, of the time. I will give up the blue ribbon of parenting. The babies will be fine. I don't think my daughters will end up in therapy because of it. End Rant.

Now, for full disclosure I will share two things:

1. I am a FTM...

2...expecting multiples.

So I have no experience parenting, but I also have had to approach it knowing full well I will not be able to comfort both of my children every time they cry, allow them to have their own individualized schedules, etc. A weird place to be perspective-wise!

mom4liak · August 2015

My stats:
I am pregnant with my 5th LO.
My kids ages are between 15 and 8.
We have a dog and a cat.

I have NEVER brought a child into the bathroom with me (unless in public) while I went. However that doesn't mean I have been allowed to go to the bathroom alone every time. Your kids will find a way in! Lol
As far as giving up a shower or 2, I don't think I have not not taken a shower because of being with my kids or not wanting to leave them for 5 minutes but I have for sure skipped a shower on more than one occasion for my own selfish desires.... You know like sleep!

Spending every moment with my kids is not the reason that as a mom I have made a lot of sacrifices. Being exhausted and getting older is why my life has changed. My kids just give me happiness and a different kind of fulfillment that I found in other ways before having kids.

smlowe9311 · August 2015

I am pregnant with my second lo and dd1 is almost 2

I remember one time where I willing brought her into the bathroom to poop-she was only a few weeks old and was breastfeeding when the urge to go hit me. I was still afraid of the postpartum poop so I brought her in to keep feeding and allow me to go. Like pp said once they start crawling/walking all bets are off. Haha.

For the record I totally agree with the idea of it's ok to leave the baby for a few minutes to go to the bathroom/shower/etc. Do what works for you and your family not what books/your family/friends say you should be doing.

komorebi · August 2015

I think online groups are not usually the most honest portrayal of parenting. If you judged my parenting by my instagram feed my kids would look like clean, well behaved, cultured children. Those are the highlights. Just like women like to show how good they are (or maybe not show how much they are struggling) by judging or acting like the only way is to martyr yourself.

The reality is, you can say what you will do before you have kids and if your philosophies happen to align with your kids is either a fluke or your not budging for the sake of being right.

I have a 10 yo, a 4 yo and an almost 2 yo. They are so different and what i give up for them is only temporary. One day they'll leave me and worrying about going to the bathroom alone will seem like a stupid battle (even my 10 yo follows me on occasion).

My 4 yo and 2 yo have never spent a night away from me and that doesn't feel sacrificial on my part either. One day they'll be ready and it will probably be bittersweet like it was with my oldest.

AmyB421 · August 2015

Like previous posters said--they always find a way in...ALWAYS

swcm · August 2015

Have you read Bringing up Bebe? You might like it. It's an American mom's experience having kids in France. She also has twins! She brings up some of the issues you mentioned, and compares French and American styles of parenting. I really enjoyed it and it made me feel better about keeping some balance once baby arrives.

LLynde5 · August 2015

@mkross123 I like you am a first time mom! My friends and family keep saying the good old just wait and see line but I always respond with let me learn! I have enjoyed this pregnancy so far even after all of their horror stories because of the little glass house I built! Let me build a bigger glass house for me and my baby girl!! I am sure there will be times when I fail and fail miserably and they are welcomed me to say I told you so!! Till then only rose colored glasses for this girl:)

LiveNLove44 · August 2015

I definitely hear what you're saying. I know a lot of women who might appear to some as being a "martyr" the moment they become pregnant. I think it's appropriate to be fair to those who need to voice their challenges. I personally prefer not to complain about pregnancy and motherhood, especially in the company of friends, because it doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel better when I vocalize all of the good stuff; it just keeps me in the right mindset. With that said, I have a couple friends who need to whine and vent in order to move forward. That way of coping may rub me the wrong way, but it doesn't make it any better or worse than mine. In fact, I'm sure they think it's annoying when I'm so positive about pregnancy!

I think when you're talking about online platforms such as FB or TB, you are going to find women who need to express their frustrations with parts of their lives that have changed or parts where they feel they've lost privacy or a piece of themselves in the process. I don't think many women mean to imply that they are better than you for it, although I know people like that exist in all walks of life (not just in motherhood), rather, I suspect that they don't feel comforted by those in their immediate circle when they talk about their struggles. Perhaps they're all just trying to find someone who can relate!

ETA: typos

naka92 · August 2015

I dont poop alone anyways. My pup demands to be allowed in with me. So whats another set of eyes really. Dont think thatll bother me

DeeGreer · August 2015

My sister would ram the bathroom door with her walker so for the sake of not replacing the door, my mom left it open. I avoided the bathroom if I knew she was in it. That being said, this is my first but I definitely will not be the one to turn into a troll with dirty hair and nothing but baby stuff to babble about once my son is here. I'm still a person with thoughts and interests. And I'm sure my son will survive my 10 minute dump-sesh while he's in his pac n play just fine!

komorebi · August 2015

I'm still into hair and makeup even after almost 4 kids.

MamaOwl15 · August 2015

Honestky, my kids watching me poop is low on my list of worries. It can actually can be helpful for potty training for kids to see that Mommy and Daddy use the potty. This isn't to say that I invite my son in when I use the bathroom, but if he follows me in there, no big deal.

As for the rest of mommy martyrdom, I don't get it. Ok, I don't get to sleep in or buy as many new clothes or just run away when I need a break. I make sacrifices. And sometimes I come on TB or the comments section when Scary Mommy articles pop up in my FB newsfeed and vent. Sometimes a little commiserating is beneficial . . . But this idea that yoga pants and unwashed hair are the Mommy Badge of Honor or bragging about how the only food you get to eat is stolen off your child's plate? Yeah, whatever.

I don't want my kids growing up thinking that what moms and wives do is slave away all day at the expense of their own sanity . . . It's one thing to put others first and yourself second and another to not take care of yourself at all.

amberrmariee20 · August 2015

MelMel92 said:
I dont poop alone anyways. My pup demands to be allowed in with me. So whats another set of eyes really. Dont think thatll bother me

Omg my chihuahua sits on the tub while I shower ! I know the feeling of animals in the bathroom !!

eat111315 · August 2015

Maybe it's the group of friends (not acquaintances) I keep, or the fact that I have a hard time not rolling my eyes, but I don't think most women are on the martyr pedestal. Some definitely are aw all the time but they were like that before kids so it's more a personality trait then motherhood thing.

With two kids at home I use the bathroom with the door open (to listen for screams) and will drag the buzzy seat into the bathroom so I can shower while lo hangs out. Kids have needs, parents have needs. To me parenting is all about striking a good balance between the two for your family.

MamaOwl15 · August 2015

eat111315 said:
Maybe it's the group of friends (not acquaintances) I keep, or the fact that I have a hard time not rolling my eyes, but I don't think most women are on the martyr pedestal. Some definitely are aw all the time but they were like that before kids so it's more a personality trait then motherhood thing.

With two kids at home I use the bathroom with the door open (to listen for screams) and will drag the buzzy seat into the bathroom so I can shower while lo hangs out. Kids have needs, parents have needs. To me parenting is all about striking a good balance between the two for your family.

None of my real life mom friends strike me as the martyr type. I feel like I get a lot more of that on mommy blogs. Granted, this gives me a narrow view of the blogger's life, but the whole mom-as-martyr thing seems to be pretty common among the mommy offer set.

maiatene · August 2015

I haven't been in the bathroom by myself since the boy could crawl lol! I have friends with teenage sons a she says without fail every time she goes to the bathroom, no matter what's going on or who's in the house, someone always knocks on the door for one reason or another... so cherish your alone time while you have it lol. Same with food - once they realize what you're doing they'll have their little mouths open like baby birds... I believe in taking care of myself first so I could be at my best for baby. I have never not taken a shower or neglected my hygiene, and I plan me days so I won't burn out. Some days I just sleep, others I may go to the movies. I think time away from the boy is good for both of us and our relationship. Like OP said, no child is going to thank you for letting them watch you take a dump! But they will be thankful for being whole and giving them space to learn on their own.

mom4liak · August 2015

@maiatene I have teenagers and I swear that they can go all day without talking to me but the moment I walk into the bathroom they need to ask me something. I pretty much only use my master bathroom but that doesn't stop them from walking through the house, into my bedroom, and knocking on the bathroom door to ask me life changing questions like , do we have any pickles or do I know where a pencil is.

@MelMel92 OMG! I totally remember my youngest son's first day of school. I cried like a baby for a good 30 minutes after he got on the bus and headed of to big boy land. I even followed the bus to school, watched him interact on the playground and then head inside. On my drive home I called my DH and he jokingly said, "Well look at the bright side, you can finally poop in peace!" I laughed and went home thinking yes, yes I can. Fast forward a few hours later and I was about to enjoy my first ever "relaxing poop" in 8+ years. I went in the bathroom, shut the door and almost immediately my cat had her paws under the door and was meowing and my dog started howling at the closed door. Needless to say I am still waiting to take a "relaxing poop"! It has now been nearly 16 years.... Lol

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