Infertility sucks

rachlee2010 · August 2015

I just need to vent. I am feeling really down today..maybe it's my hormones as AF should be here any second now but so far isn't show.

I was so positive and optimistic that this coming month was gonna be our month..that was on Tuesday as I was waiting for AF to show..maybe the fact that she still isn't here showing my body is clearly messed up or I don't know but I'm really bummed out. I saw someone on Facebook post a pregnancy announcement and they have a 1.5 year old already and while I don't talk to this girl or know what' going on in her life it just seems like hey let's have a baby and all of a sudden they are pregnant..I hate how it's so easy for some people. Someone else posted how they want a 3rd kid and wanted to be talked out of having a third..I was so tempted to say I would do anything for a second right now but so far after a year and 4 months it hasn't happened.

I hate that all of our fertility issues are with me and i feel like I am depriving my husband of a second child. He is awesome and says it's not my fault and will be fine if we just have one but I can't help but think deep down he will resent me for having crappy ovaries that couldn't produce more children. (IF the roles were reversed I feel like I would feel that way but it's hard to say not being in that situation)

Deep down I do feel like we will have another child. I am only 32..there has to be some good eggs left in there..Plus we think my issues stem from a genetic premutation that my mom also has..She had no issues getting pregnant with me at 32 but did go through early menopause which all signs say I will as well but she didn't go into menopause until her early 40's.

I just feel like nothing is ever easy for us and I get told it will happen and you are strong enough to handle this but right now I just don't feel like I am..I thought I got all my crying out in the past few months and was doing so much better emotionally lately but today just hit me hard.

Thanks for listening

AMT&THC · August 2015

I hear ya. It does suck. I get sick of people telling me that God won't give me more than I can handle. I know I am strong now and I truly appreciate the tests that He's given me. I want to say, "Thank you, lord, I am now officially ready for this to get easier. Can You make that happen, please? Lesson learned." I think it is really unfair that you and I and everyone on this board has to deal with this.

I'll tell you this though, if your husband is anything like me, he doesn't blame you at all. He realizes that this is completely out of your hands and he loves you no matter what. My husband has low count and low motility. It was so low that we had to wait 2 years with supplements and testing every 3 months to see if we could get it high enough to even use insurance for IUI. I can tell you that I never think for a second that we aren't in this together. I feel irritated angry miserable depressed sometimes that it isn't working. But, I take comfort in the fact that I have found someone that I love and loves me. I have to remind myself all the time that some people don't get that in their lives. Some people get that and then lose that person and spend their lives having to remember what life was like before their loss. God willing, I will not have to do that for a long time.

Seeing my 5th BFN was a complete let down. I even tried to prepare myself better than ever, but it didn't work. I almost feel like it hit harder than every time before. I just turned 37 so at least now I have less people to see announcing pregnancies. For the last 4 years I have had conflicting emotions about each announcement. I feel mad at myself for letting it get to me.

I am sick of crying too. I hate the way it makes me look for one thing because I am vain person (haha, no seriously I sort of am). I don't want to be a mopey, sad wife, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, etc. I want to be the strong person, but this whole thing makes me tired. It makes me want to run off to Europe and work in a pub or maybe Mexico and open a surf shop that also sells lobster and cervesas.

I have nothing to really offer except that I completely understand and if you want to just say you feel bad, say it. I do too sometimes.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

It really does suck and isn't fair. I was thinking about it yesterday how easy it is for some people to get pregnant but so many of us can't. Even with help we can't seem to get pregnant but some people can get pregnant the first couple of tries, or the first try?! How is that fair? What did we do wrong in this life to deserve that kind of punishment? I don't understand it, I really don't. It's like a cruel trick.

I often think the same thing about my husband.. Will he grow to hate me because so far I haven't been able to get pregnant? What if I never can? Will he truly be happy if we end up having to adopt? It's just so much emotionally for me to hand.

Every new pregnancy announcement I see I die a little inside. What really gets to me, too, is all the people out there having kids who shouldn't be, who don't even want them but they are careless and get pregnant. Drug addicts, people with no jobs, criminals, people who aren't married, etc.

I be the best person I can in my life, I try to be pa decent human being and I don't understand why I am being punished.

I am sorry I didn't have anything positive to say to make you feel better. I hope there is a BFP for all of us in the near future.

AMT&THC · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie What is it with the dang drug addicts and criminals? Those people are so freakin fertile! I don't get that either. I have had every emotion you wrote in your post. I have really had some struggles with myself over feeling like I am being punished and wondering why I am not one of chosen ones. What have I done to make this happen to us? I want answers, G.D.I.! (I had to put that as an acronym in case my cussing is why I have not been selected as a proper parent.) I hope there's a BFP out there for each one of us too and if there isn't let's group adopt and pass him/her around for a few months at a time. I'd like around the 9 month mark, please...I have watched all of my nieces and nephews (23 of them....yep, you read that correctly) and that seems to be a sweet spot :-)

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

I don't know what it is about gem that makes them fertile but it's so not fair! I want answers too! I definitely feel like we DESERVE TO BE PARENTS!

haha 9 months is a good age.

rachlee2010 · August 2015

I also always think about the criminals and neglectful parents..What gets me even more is I teach middle school in an urban area and I see so many of my students graduate 8th grade and have 1-2 kids before they would have graduated high school..They are also so fertile I guess because they are young but so not ready or prepared to be parents.

I wasn't looking for anything postive or specific from anyone..I really just needed to vent and while I hate that you guys feel the same way I do it helps hearing you say it and knowing I am not alone in this..It's only so helpful to cry to my husband, mom, friends who just don't get it. They understand and feel bad but don't truly get how I feel

MKLEWIS2010 · August 2015

I have nothing to add except I cried about this too feeling the exact same way. You have all these people out there having kids and literally throwing them away and then you have people like us who try so hard and do everything in our powers to have a child. I just wish everyone here finally gets that BFP!

KidShrink · August 2015

Oh does it ever suck! That's when you know life is unfair...a few months ago (I had just found out our 2nd round of Femara and TI hadn't worked and we were likely moving to surgery), I assessed a little girl who was adopted. Great adoptive parents! But then I had the adoption summary to read, which essentially tells the child their story. It mentionned how her dad had 9 kids, none of which he had custody of, and a similar story for the mom. I just started bawling...for like an hour, completely inconsolable. How freakin' fair is that?!

I also have a hard time with the FB announcement, although they don't hurt me as much as the 'uh, who wants my pissed off baby today?!' Or 'man I wish I could sleep like when I didn't have kids' Kinds of posts. I always refrain from replying that I'd much rather lose sleep over a crying baby and over me crying because I want a baby so badly...don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep that in.

Sometimes, we just need to vent. And it's true that 'normal' people just don't get it. You don't get how hard it is not to be able to have a child until you try so hard and just fail. And you don't get how big of a piece this is in your life until that piece is missing. DH and I are, on all other counts, doing great: great jobs, doing well, nice house (with 3 empty bedrooms just waiting for babies to fill them), great friends... But no baby. And DH is itching for one really badly, which just makes me feel like a total failure of a woman despite all the good in our life.

I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for this group. I've been feeling unusually emotional these past two days (Follistim, is that you?!), and it does feel good to just let it out and know people just get it. I can't stand people telling me 'don't worry, it'll happen! You're so strong!' NO, I'm not THAT strong, and I don't even know that I believe it'll ever happen (and maybe that's just to protect me from hurting even more) and you sure as hell have no clue all that it involves!

Thanks for that post that I'm totally taking advantage of to vent.

AMT&THC · August 2015

@rachlee2010 As a high school teacher, I see the same thing all the time. It's unbelievable.

@KidShrink You're right - Those posts about how people wish they could go on vacation, out to dinner, sleep in BUT they are cursed with children make me furious. Curse me, please.

KidShrink · August 2015

@AMT&THC : we went to Italy in June (yes, freakin amazing trip that cost us close to the same thing as what a round of IVF will). DH's cousin, who started TTC at the same time as we did and gave birth just a few days before we left for our trip told me 'oh, you guys are SO lucky! She was lucky to be living 6 hrs away...can't exactly say 'well go ahead, and I'll take your kid in exchange' without sounding completely creepy...

AMT&THC · August 2015

@KidShrink We went to Greece last summer for 2 weeks and I had every friend I know tell me how fortunate I was to be able to just go on vacation whenever I want. They are so downtrodden with taking their kids to soccer practice or cutting orange slices for after the game and carrying those chairs all the way to the field is a real burden. I try so hard to see it from their point of view. I want to say so badly: If this hadn't happened so easily for you, (you ungrateful a-hole), you would appreciate every midnight someone crawls in your bed after having a bad dream. But, I don't. I just count to 10 and say to myself some day when I am that person, I am going to remember being this person.

rachlee2010 · August 2015

Thank goodness for you ladies...it's so nice to just be able to vent to people who truly get it and to be judged. I honestly don't know what I would do without these boards and you ladies

and wow @amt&thc 23 nieces and nephews??? crazy..how many siblings do you and your husband each have?? I have 4 nieces. My oldest brother is def done with kids..my other brother and his wife toy with the idea of having a third..i did tell her once that if she has a 3rd before I have a 2nd I would lose it..ha

And as for those who complain about having to get up early and not do things because of their kids, then why did you have them..I also really hate seeing those parents who have full time nannies and don't work on top of it..why did you have a kid if you can't even take care of them..don't get me wrong..i get the full time nanny if you work but just because you need to go to the gym every day..seriously?????

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@AMT&THC and @KidShrink my husband and I went to Mexico in February and are going again in November for my birthday and people say how lucky we are and it must be nice. I'd give up my vacation in a heartbeat if it meant have a sweet baby in my arms.

I know someone right now who is pregnant and complains a fair bit. Mostly about how she wishes she could drink and going to visit her friends won't be any fun because she can't drink or smoke. Excuse me?! You'd rather be drinking that carrying your second child. And every time before she complains she was like and I know there are people out there dying to be in this position but.... NO! There is no but. You were blessed with the gift of life so quit your bitching and be happy you're pregnant. It makes me so mad.

My SIL, who tried for YEARS, to get pregnant finally had her second child and did nothing op but post on Facebook about how tired she is, and how much she misses sleep. And I'm like yeah, she's a baby.. What did you expect? You wanted a baby for this long and you're going to complain how tired you are? It's not even like she has a job! Ugh.

ErikaMG · August 2015

Some really wonderful thoughts above, and I have little to add except this: I think it's really important that we remember that whether or not we can conceive has nothing to do with what we deserve. This didn't happen to us because of something we did wrong, or any sort of insufficiency on our part. It's no one's fault. And yeah... it sucks and it's not fair and it's hard to hear others complain about having what we so desperately want. But our journeys have nothing to do with those people, and their journeys have nothing to do with us. We should remember that complaining does not necessarily mean a lack of appreciation for what they have - sometimes people just need to vent. I look on these boards and I see indescribable dedication, love, immense strength, compassion, vulnerability, and some of the most courageous human hearts I've ever encountered. There is no one more deserving in this world of the honor of parenthood than this group of women. @Rachlee2010, keep the faith, sister. You are amazing and beautiful and strong even in your most vulnerable moments. You can do this. ::big hug::

rachlee2010 · August 2015

Thanks @ErikaMG....you had some great insight and such positive words..I just wish for once something would come easily to us! TO all of us on this board

Oneday2525 · August 2015

All these emotions i have felt also. I just went through a miscarriage after 2 BFN. Its been very hard. And im only 26 years old. Our issue is MFI and I would never make my DH feel like this is his fault. I love him very much and i wouldnt want to go through this journey with anyone but him. After i found out this pregnancy did not work, i specifically asked God how strong does he really think i am. Because this is just too much to handle :-(

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@ErikaMG That's very true. Sometimes is just feels good to vent and get things off our chest. But you're right, everyone needs to do that at some point. Thanks for your positivity.

AMT&THC · August 2015

@rachlee2010 I have 5 younger siblings and he has 7 older siblings...big ol families! That probably is one of the reasons we waited so long to try for children of our own. We have always had many children around...lots of births, babysitting, birthday parties, soccer games....we are both close to our families.

@ErikaMG You are completely right. I sometimes have trouble disconnecting from others. I know I shouldn't compare. It only makes me angry and/or sad. But, like @AdorkalePixie I have this inner running monologue of things I want to say to the complainers. I have to fight against that and try to be more peaceful for my own benefit.

@Oneday2525 I am so sorry to hear about your mc. I have asked myself about the same thing!

HBamama2B · August 2015

My husband said something the other day that really caught me by surprise. My side of our family has had several deaths in the last two years and, never a large lot, it feels like we are whittling down to nothing. I have 3 siblings, none of whom have or will have children. At this point the pressure is all on me... The barren one, of course. But when I was lamenting about how low our chances are and how hard it is to relate to our fertile friends when they talk about how hard their 3 months of trying were, he said: "I know we will have a child, because I believe that God is not out to end your family."

No, this isn't about receiving fairness or parity, life isn't fair. But it's about the pursuit of happiness and knowing that an extra 8 or 18% chance of having that next generation is worth a battle. Knowing that we will be amazing parents with a unique appreciation for the gift of life. So rock on warriors, and whenever anybody gets preggo in your life... Slide up real close on soak in whatever baby making hormones are leaking out their pores. Who knows it could work! Besides don't the docs inject us with preggo pee cocktail once a month anyway?

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@HBamama2B You are very right. When we do finally get to become parents we are going to REALLY appreciate it and really treasure every moment. All this trouble and worry will be totally worth it when that happens.

riveridgional · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie what you just said reminded me of this message I saw on Pinterest. I love it even though I can rarely get through it without tearing up at least a little.

Edited to say I thought that image would have shown up better. I think if you click on it, it will open bigger.

oxinfree · August 2015

@rachlee2010 GAH! Broke my heart. We all have days like this. I too just had an acquaintance announce her pregnancy on Facebook which was a major whoopsie. She's only been with the guy like a year, and aren't married or anything. I'm sure she's excited and happy about the baby obviously, but it makes it really hard. I've considered removing facebook from my daily routines, but its like an evil drug that keeps me coming back for more. I definitely unfollow people temporarily while they're on their pregnancy journeys. It's easier for me to love a child, than a bump. Once the baby is born, somehow I cope a bit better so re-follow. Weird, but true!

I so hope you have some amazing friends and support that you can go to on a day like that, but we're always here to listen to any and all rants!!!

Big hugs and best wishes to you!

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@riveridgional That is perfect. I saved it to my iPad.

I almost cried reading it, it's beautiful. Thank you.

Colleen0516 · August 2015

Well ladies, I just read through all your posts- and cried my eyes out.
It was bitter sweet- while I don't want anyone else going through or feeling the way I feel, it's also comforting to know that other people are going through and feeling what I'm feeling.

That being sad, even though it is excruciating at times:
The highs and lows (infertility as a whole)
The hormones (got love those med's)
The tears (oh, the tears!),
The jealously (seeing friends and family post their pregnancy announcement, gender reveals, people who think about getting pregnant and BAM-- they are! Ugh!)
The hate (seeing those who don't deserve children,seeing those that ignore their children... We would die to have their child, why cant they appreciate theirs?)
The fear (what if it never happens?)
And everything else that goes with infertility.

In the end, we will APPRECIATE and LOVE our children SOO MUCH MORE.

I'm not saying that moms and dads who don't struggle, don't love an appreciate their kids (bc I know they do!!!) BUT it's different for us. And only we know that.

We will have BFP's! And we will have little miracles to hold 9 months later :x

Love this forum, very happy I joined... It's helped me more than you know! I struggle alone for a while- it's nice to have people to talk to.
Wish you all LOTS OF BABY DUST

ast3037 · August 2015

and I'm here thinking you already have one and I just want one.

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@Colleen0516 This really is a great place. I am so glad I came here and joined this wonderful group of women!

rachlee2010 · August 2015

Its so not fair that we have to sit here and watch everyone around us happily and easily get pregnant while we are struggling so much..why does this happen to us? Why does this happen to anyone (minus those who may have done something to bring it on, like drugs or I don't know) It just sucks as you see more and more people announce they are pregnant with baby 2,3,4 etc...I finally get in a good positive mind set and then bam, I'm back at the bottom...ughh..nobody gets it but you ladies..not even husbands

Echogirlxo · August 2015

I just read through all the posts and it really helped me as well tonight. I just got my period yesterday, and I was surprisingly feeling ok emotionally (vs. the last few cycles when I was a total mess). My husband even noticed that I was taking it like a champ... Then...........

My co-worker "bestie" came to see me right before I was leaving for work today and told me the news. She's pregnant! The look on her face... I thought she was telling me she was going to abort it (a possibility in my mind because she's been living with arthritis her whole life- her medication has to be stopped if she gets pregnant). She looked so guilty telling me... She knows about my infertility struggle. I hugged her really tight, told her I loved her, and I'm SO happy for her and I meant it from the bottom of my heart, nobody deserves it more. But on the drive back and at home- reality hit hard... She wasn't even trying for a baby... Wasn't even taking follic acid (I asked). She has very irregular cycles (we had talked about it). I can't help feeling sorry for myself... I've been upset all night... WHY NOT ME?! Just a few months ago she was telling me that in the next year or so I would be getting pregnant then she would too, hopefully!

Just when I think I'm getting better at dealing with it...

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

It's so hard, it's really not fair!

DH and I went out to eat last night and as we parked I saw a pregnant woman walked out and almost burst into tears. I want that. I want the big belly, I want pregnancy clothes, I want to "wobble" instead of walk. I want to feel a baby growing inside of me.

rachlee2010 · August 2015

And just when you think you are finally in a good place emotionally and coming to terms with what you are going through someone is pregnant or announces it and down you go...so frustrating..so not fair..I thought I would go to bed last night and feel better this morning but I don't. I have my CD3 baseline today..maybe I will miracoulsy have a ton of follicles and that will make me feel better. Or my FSH will be lower than 10..

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

Good luck @rachlee2010 let us know how it goes. I went in for my u/s and bloodwork today for no AF and had lots of follicles, but my lining was 4mm. I'm not sure if they give me provera it's going to cause me to get AF because my estrogen levels are so low and my lining is so thin.

rachlee2010 · August 2015

@adorkablepixie...I am not sure what causes aunt flow and what your levels really mean in getting AF but I am really hoping the dr understands and get her to show up for you. If they don't give you provera do they tell you to just sit and wait?? I'm really sorry you are going through this. When I was waiting for AF to show knowing she should be there and wasn't each day I got more and more depressed and angry. It really isn't fair..

riveridgional · August 2015

@AdorkablePixie Maybe they will give you estrace for a few days then provera? I have no clue if that is ever a protocol, but I do know estrace did a fantastic job of thickening my lining when I needed it.

rachlee2010 · August 2015

Estrace also thickened my lining up a lot too leading up to my IUI...I never thought of using that to thicken it just for a period but it's not a bad idea @riveridgional

AMT&THC · August 2015

@Echogirlxo I have a good coworker/friend that I talked to 2 years ago about getting pregnant. She was just starting to try and I had been trying and had been to the RE already but still had some work to do for DH's sperm count. We talked about getting pregnant at the same time and how much fun it would be. Fast forward to now....She has a daughter who turned 1 on July 4th. I am happy for her, of course. But when she told me she was pregnant she made it so awkward....She set me down to tell me alone at work because I guess she thought I would burst in to tears or something. Truthfully, I felt like doing that a little but mostly I felt happy that it worked for her. I guess I tell you this because I can relate to your feelings. I have gotten really good at hiding my feelings and crying alone. I think it's gets easier the more I practice.As the time goes by and I do more treatments, I feel like I have become more grateful for what I have, (even if I don't have what I want the most).

AdorkablePixie · August 2015

@riveridgional & @rachlee2010 They just decided to have me start my medicated cycle. So I am happy about that!

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