Not pregnancy related: advice needed on what to do!

celainev · August 2015

So long story short - my high school and college best friend is getting married at the end of this month. We have always been close but she stopped talking to me after a road trip taken last year... So I stopped trying to talk to her. My DH and I get along great with her husband though, and when I see her we still get along! But now it's the month of her wedding and I have not received a wedding invite. She invited a couple of our other high school friends and a lot of our college friends. My family says I should get in contact with her and see if maybe I missed my invite... I mean, she was at my wedding and had a good time! But a part of me thinks she really didn't invite me and it would be so awkward to bring it up. But we were best friends for 5 years! Any thoughts and advice?

ChiccoBeanz · August 2015

Hey @chaelainev, I'm sorry you're dealing with this weird and somewhat hurtful situation. As a bride with an upcoming wedding myself, I think that if she sent you an invitation and there was an oversight, she would have contacted you. Being this close to her actual wedding day, she most likely has gone over her numbers. I personally wouldn't bring it up. It could blow up into a bigger issue in the long run, and if you are pregnant, it isn't worth the extra stress for you. Hopefully it is an oversight and she will reach out to you. But if not, maybe you two need to have a convo about where you 2 stand friendship wise.

celainev · August 2015

Thanks @ChiccoBeanz ... I feel the exact same way but my family and husband keep poking me to contact her, because they see how hurt I am. I'm glad to hear outside points of view. I already have tried reaching out to her when I got pregnant... And she never responded to my Facebook message. I'm guessing she just wants nothing to do with me... Which is sad but I try to stay away from drama. I think I'll just leave it.

ChiccoBeanz · August 2015

That sucks that she just 86'ed you like that. I know that happens sometimes. Personally, even though I don't know you, I don't want to set you up to get your feelings hurt more or to get into drama over this, especially when you're pregnant. Plus, if you share social circles, it can really turn into an unnecessary shit show. Her not reaching back out to you when you let her know you were pregnant, tells me she's an ass. That's selfish and mean to not at least say congratulations. I have people that I haven't considered to be friends at all with little to no home training, and even they congratulated me, as I would them. I know it hurts, but look at it as a blessing in disguise. Anyone that doesn't make the efforts to be in your life and/or include you in theirs, is NOT worth the stress or drama. Be happy and pregnant and get belly rubs and ice cream.

satindawl83 · August 2015

Did you guys get into an argument during the road trip, by any chance? You cite that as the last time you've talked to her regularly, so I'm just wondering if there's something to that part of the story.

I don't want to be too negative, but if you were invited and she didn't receive your RSVP, I'm sure she would have reached out to you.

Being that you're pregnant and she's less than a month away from getting married, now is probably not the best time to broach the subject. I'd keep it business as usual for the time being.

celainev · August 2015

satindawl83 said:
Did you guys get into an argument during the road trip, by any chance? You cite that as the last time you've talked to her regularly, so I'm just wondering if there's something to that part of the story.

I don't want to be too negative, but if you were invited and she didn't receive your RSVP, I'm sure she would have reached out to you.

Being that you're pregnant and she's less than a month away from getting married, now is probably not the best time to broach the subject. I'd keep it business as usual for the time being.

Thanks! I appreciate your advice. We did not get into an argument on the road trip, she was just extremely miserable the entire time because she missed her, then boyfriend, (they had been dating for 2 weeks) and she kept talking about it the whole time. I, at the time, was in a long distance relationship with my fiancé and just stopped talking about it. She told me a month after the road trip that she hated all her friends, because they don't listen to her. How she said it made it sound like she hated me too. So I told her that maybe it wasn't her friends who were the problem, that maybe it was her. After that she didn't talk to me for six months.

All my life I've had other friends, even her ex boyfriend who had been dating her at the time of talking to me, tell me she is not a good friend and I should give up on her. But I never could. I only have a small handful of friends and I tried to cherish them.

ChiccoBeanz · August 2015

Mommy always said: If you have just 3 good and reliable friends that are tried and true, you are blessed. The good Lord gave you a get out of jail free card. Take it and RUN!

satindawl83 · August 2015

Agree with @ChiccoBeanz.

Not sure how old you are, but it took me a long time to realize that a good friend is hard to come by and some people aren't wasting your energy on.

I think we tend to hold on to friendships we've had for awhile because we thing longevity of a friendship = quality of a friendship. And that's just not true.

Don't let it get you down, and cherish the true friends you have.

spottedginger · August 2015

As a follow up to @ChiccoBeanz point, I wouldn't contact her to try and clarify issues at this point. She is in the last prep before her wedding. If she was concerned about your friendship and presence at the wedding, she would have been in contact by now. No point in your good intentions creating drama this close to the wedding.

VesperLove · August 2015

I wouldn't say anything. One of two situations are going on here.

1) You really did miss the invite. If this is the case, then when she doesn't receive an RSVP from you, she'll be contacting you. That's what brides do. They want a proper headcount for their venue. So 99% of the time they contact all people they invited who haven't responded ... so then you'd know if you're invited and can RSVP then.

2) You didn't miss the invite and you weren't invited. If that is the case, that sucks, but getting in touch with her would only make things awkward for both of you. For her, she will either have to awkwardly tell you you weren't invited which will definitely not make you feel any better having that conversation. Or she will feel bad being called out for it and will try and fit you in somewhere which will affect her planning AND potentially the time you have at the party because I guarantee you'll be able to tell on the phone (or however you talk to her) that she's adding you in as a courtesy ... I'd feel super weird attending a wedding I wasn't invited to but then was because they felt bad for not inviting in the first place. but that's just me.

I feel for you - this situation sucks ... but the fact is that she gets to decide who she wants there. It's sad to think that she wouldn't want to invite you or include you, but it sounds like your friendship has been changing and this might just be her way of saying that.

Good luck to you.

RSB1982 · August 2015

Seems like she is trying to distance herself from you. Who knows what is going on in her life, maybe she's jealous of your pregnancy. I agree with others, don't ask if you missed your invite. These things have a way of working themselves out. If you truly were not invited, if I were you I wouldn't want to know. Plan something else fun for that day, a trip with your hubby or have a fun night out. Try not to stress over this, friendships just evolve over time.

Marchmellow2 · August 2015

I'm sorry you're going through that! It may hurt for a while. I had something similar happen to me a couple years ago and it still hurts! Every time I'm lonely I think about it and I start getting really insecure in myself. Questioning myself what's wrong with me? Why does everybody hate me? No one loves me. It effects me! I love people to the core so I can never understand how someone could be so cold hearted. I break down maybe every couple months about it. It's hard to get over!

My advice is that she's obviously not a true friend. I would not call her about the wedding. I would just leave it alone. Go MIA . I'd even unfriend her on Facebook so you don't have to see pictures of the wedding. And everything else the PPs said!

ETA: ((HUGS))

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

I agree with PP that trying to bring it up with her will just cause you stress. I know how it feels to have a person in your life that you are supposed to be close with that just drops you from the face of the earth, but that is not your fault or loss.

When she told you she hated all her friends and you told her they might not be the problem, that was her petty test of you, I am sure of it. She wanted you to fall at her feet and be like "oh honey I will listen to you and agree with everything you say and lick the floor you walk on", but instead you treated her like a normal human being with honesty and bluntness. Y'all aren't kids anymore.

Don't worry about her. If she wants you in her life she will reach out to her, but if you don't get an invite to your wedding, she shouldn't get an invite to your baby shower if you have one. That's just that.

celainev · August 2015

Thanks everyone! I'm definitely not going to contact her. I'll have to come to terms that our friendship is probably over - but my husband even says that's for the best! I will try to stay strong and get over this!

thanks again!

Beckah31 · August 2015

ChiccoBeanz said:
Mommy always said: If you have just 3 good and reliable friends that are tried and true, you are blessed. The good Lord gave you a get out of jail free card. Take it and RUN!

This. All day every day. I'd rather have 4 shiny quarters than 100 dirty pennies.

beccabeeee · August 2015

=\ I'm sorry this is happening. I can relate, I hurt for you because i know the pain. It took me a while to get over it, but once I did life was a lot better. Everything I was going to say everyone already did. Sometimes friendships fall apart or you grow distant, it happens even if we don't want it to. Looking back now I can see that my life is so much better and I'm a lot happier. I have a few close friends and that's all I need. Same goes for you, you just need those couple close friends even just one that you can totally trust. I have a close friend, sometimes we can go months without talking just because life happens, but when we get together again it's like life was just on pause. Keep your head up girl, you sound like a strong woman. Time heals =]

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