Baby Crazy MIL

sunshinegurl17 · August 2015

So it actually all began when my husband and I first announced our pregnancy. MIL was not excited at all. Then she totally flipped and got super crazy....doing possessive things like calling the baby "her baby" and referring to me as (her) baby's mother instead of by my name. She even got as crazy as to argue with the dr as to what gender our baby was (despite going to the ultrasound herself), and demanding that we take our baby to a preschool closer to her house (45 minutes away from us...and hello, he wasn't even born yet!).

Now, since our son has been born, she's gone completely baby crazy. Refers to him as her baby still. When we first got home, she came over two days later and instead of offering to help or anything, walked in and demanded to hold "her baby". Our son is 3 months old now, being breastfed, and she comes over and tells my DH "I don't care if he needs to eat, he needs his Nana now." And is totally serious. When we took him to her workplace, she demanded that she introduce him to her boss, which turned into parading him around the store telling everyone "this is my baby!" And she didn't introduce me to a single person. Ignored me completely. She's even gone as far as to use his picture as her profile picture claiming him as hers and got upset at DH when he asked her to take it down.

She even ignored DH on his birthday and instead was hovering over me like a vulture continually pestering me to hold the baby saying things like "but YOU get to hold him every day. He's crying because he wants Nana."

She's always complaining to DH that she "never gets to see the baby", but she never calls to make plans, even though she lives 30 minutes away from us and only works 3 days a week. I'm a stay at home mom so I'm home EVERY DAY.

My mom and stepmom don't do any of these things. In fact, they make a point to schedule time out and drive the 2 hrs distance just to spend time with us. And whenever they are here, they go out of their way to ask us what help we need (like making dinner, doing dishes, etc). They've always respected our boundaries and have really blossomed in their roles as grandmas.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. It just seems that my MIL just wants to re-live her days as a mom instead of as a grandma (ours is her third grandchild btw). DH and I have talked to her about her behavior....she flat out ignores me and then plays the victim when DH talks to her and gives excuses like "I'm just joking." Her own daughter even told her she was being baby crazy and she ignored her as well.

Disneygeek77 · August 2015

She acts like this because you let her and it gives her what she wants. She is no different than a toddler throwing a fit in the middle of the candy aisle. If it works, they will keep doing it, she's not stupid.

Stop making this work for her. You correct her every single time she calls him her baby. She hovers around you, you get up and go to your room and lock the door. She shows up unannounced ? You tell her to come back at another time and shut the door. She plays victim ? You ignore her because you know she is trying to manipulate you.

Look, whatever you are doing now isn't working so time to step it up.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

Disneygeek77 said:

She acts like this because you let her and it gives her what she wants. She is no different than a toddler throwing a fit in the middle of the candy aisle. If it works, they will keep doing it, she's not stupid.

Stop making this work for her. You correct her every single time she calls him her baby. She hovers around you, you get up and go to your room and lock the door. She shows up unannounced ? You tell her to come back at another time and shut the door. She plays victim ? You ignore her because you know she is trying to manipulate you.

Look, whatever you are doing now isn't working so time to step it up.

All of this 100%. You are enabling her behavior by continuing to let her have control in your life. Stop granting her access to do this and really put a stop to it altogether.

Just because she's your DH's mom doesn't mean she gets free reign to do as she pleases. It's time to stop being nice and be blunt.

sunshinegurl17 · August 2015

We've already cut down on the amount of time we spend with them, but some things like family birthdays and such we can't avoid them. At DH birthday when she was trying to be manipulative by saying "but you ALWAYS get to hold him...." I straight up told her "Well, I'M his mother." Apparently my MIL called my SIL the day afterwards to ask why I was so blunt and bitchy and not letting her hold him during the party. That's when SIL told her she was baby crazy and MIL denied that she was.

So long story short, we haven't seen her in 2 weeks and we've (I've) been filling our schedule up so that we don't have to see them anytime soon!

Just wondering if there's anything else I can do besides being defensive or totally avoiding them. Before I was pregnant, my MIL and I had an amazing relationship and I'd love to have that back, especially since they live so close.

Snoflakes4eva · August 2015

sunshinegurl17 said:

We've already cut down on the amount of time we spend with them, but some things like family birthdays and such we can't avoid them. At DH birthday when she was trying to be manipulative by saying "but you ALWAYS get to hold him...." I straight up told her "Well, I'M his mother." Apparently my MIL called my SIL the day afterwards to ask why I was so blunt and bitchy and not letting her hold him during the party. That's when SIL told her she was baby crazy and MIL denied that she was. So long story short, we haven't seen her in 2 weeks and we've (I've) been filling our schedule up so that we don't have to see them anytime soon! Just wondering if there's anything else I can do besides being defensive or totally avoiding them. Before I was pregnant, my MIL and I had an amazing relationship and I'd love to have that back, especially since they live so close.

First, your H should be dealing with his mother, not you. You don't need to fill your calendars for the next 18 years, just tell your MIL no. And when she asks why, have you H explain how uncomfortable her behavior as been making H and you.

You cant do anything about your MIL complaining to your SIL. If they want to gossip like children, then let them. Just don't participate yourself.

Disneygeek77 · August 2015

Continue to make firm boundaries on issues that are important to you.

However, as far as the relationship is concerned perhaps schedule time with her. For example, maybe every other wednesday you all have lunch together. You could also try giving her a task that you don't really care about like a baby's first thanksgiving onesie with a turkey on it or maybe the best place in town to get pictures with Santa. This way she can be involved but isn't taking any motherly duties from you.

YogaSandy · August 2015

Stop enabling her. Don't show up at her work with the baby. Don't give into her demands. Wear baby if need be. Leave the room. Don't answer your door. Get your husband to explicitly let her know that when she behaves appropriately, she can schedule time to come visit.

iheartsippycups2 · September 2015

My MIL is bat shi+ crazy too... I understand, but luckily she lives in another state

SaltyMcNulty · October 2015

sunshinegurl17 said:

We've already cut down on the amount of time we spend with them, but some things like family birthdays and such we can't avoid them. At DH birthday when she was trying to be manipulative by saying "but you ALWAYS get to hold him...." I straight up told her "Well, I'M his mother." Apparently my MIL called my SIL the day afterwards to ask why I was so blunt and bitchy and not letting her hold him during the party. That's when SIL told her she was baby crazy and MIL denied that she was. So long story short, we haven't seen her in 2 weeks and we've (I've) been filling our schedule up so that we don't have to see them anytime soon! Just wondering if there's anything else I can do besides being defensive or totally avoiding them. Before I was pregnant, my MIL and I had an amazing relationship and I'd love to have that back, especially since they live so close.

Perhaps YH needs to grow a set and confront his mother and tell her to back the eff off?

Nickioch · November 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this, how stressful!! First of all I think your husband needs to join you as a united front, you are a family, this is YOUR family now and HIS family. She needs to see the same message coming from both of you. Communicate as clearly as possible to him. You said you and she had a good relationship before, can you talk to her about this? Probably not if she's crazy, but maybe you guys could have a meal or something non baby related without the baby and talk to her about how this is making you feel? Be strong, talk from your standpoint more like "when you do this I feel this", she can't tell you you're wrong it's how you feel it's a statement. But honestly I know all this is easier said than done. Perhaps enlist the help of a third party-therapist? Neutral friend? Clearly it's not easy getting through to her. I like the idea of baby wearing! Keep that kiddo close and on your terms! Good luck I hope it gets better--nip it in the bud!!!!

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