Is this weird or is it me?

ketobaby · August 2015

Hoping to get some honest insight if the situation with my BF's mother is odd or if im looking at it the wrong way.

Ive been with my BF for almost 6 years consecutively and I have had interaction with his mother from the start when I used to visit his home. My BF and I have recently moved in together a few months go. I have heard in the past and she reiterated this recently that she does not like it when her sons SOs call her by her first name. She wants to be called Mrs (Last Name). She thinks her other son's gf is disrespectful because she calls her by her first name (They have also been together for several years and the gf is pushing 30). I normally don't address her by a name at all by name but now that I'm living 10 mins away and the baby is coming I would imagine that I will be spending a lot more time with her.

Is this weird? Ill be 26 when the baby comes and I just think this is odd that ill have to call her Mrs (Last Name) for the rest of time.

taysun · August 2015

I think it's kind of weird, however if it's something that will make the relationship easier, I would personally just play along. I imagine when baby gets here you will refer to her as he grandmother name a lot unless directly speaking to her without baby.

taysun · August 2015

Also, are you two close? You may be able to ask if you can call her by her first name. Let her know you respect her but you would feel more comfortable with a less formal title.

chewie5990 · August 2015

I always call people who are a generation older than me by Mr or Mrs. and/or M'am or Sir unless they tell me otherwise... even though I'm an adult I guess it's just a habit that I never felt comfortable dropping. I don't think it's too odd...but maybe that's because I live in the south and we are obsessively polite especially when it comes to addressing elders.

dec15mum · August 2015

To me it seems weird, like not personal?
I would get it if you had just started dating him but after 6 years, you 2 living together and a baby I would say it seems strange.
Have you spoke to your bf about it? What does he think?

ketobaby · August 2015

taysun said:

Also, are you two close? You may be able to ask if you can call her by her first name. Let her know you respect her but you would feel more comfortable with a less formal title.

I wouldn't say we are BFFs but she hugs me hello and goodbye and such. I think ill go the route of asking her (as you suggested) in a little while since she just said this again on Saturday. Maybe after the baby is born. Thanks for your input!

MrsBwIVF · August 2015

I agree it's a little odd, does she expect the baby to call her Mrs. Grandma Last Name?
Maybe bring it up by asking what she would like the baby to call her? And then slide in, "would it be alright then if I begin to call you by your first name?"
I get the respect thing and have always done Mr and Mrs before being told to call them by their first name, but after a year of dating, I would have questioned them on it.

ketobaby · August 2015

dec15mum said:

To me it seems weird, like not personal? I would get it if you had just started dating him but after 6 years, you 2 living together and a baby I would say it seems strange. Have you spoke to your bf about it? What does he think?

When he mentioned this years ago I did tell him I thought it was weird that she was offended the other woman who was pushing 30. But bf doesn't think its weird because that's all he knows. I definitely don't mind calling her mrs (last name) now. just think as I get older it will get weirder.

satindawl83 · August 2015

This is an interesting question. At first I was thinking that her request is kinda quirky, but when I think about it, I call my MIL "mom" and my husband does the same with my mom. Before then, I'd call her Mrs.

I honestly can't imagine calling my MIL be her first name. That's probably only because I've never been around her regularly -- we've always lived either a 2 hour drive or a 4 hour flight away.

For your situation, I think you should let it be for the time being and she may eventually come around. And if she doesn't, don't take it personally. I'm not sure where you're from, but it may be a cultural preference.

fmraglio · August 2015

For awhile I had a hard time calling MIL by her first name...it felt wrong to me, even though she insisted. I eventually just started doing it and after we were married I started calling her Mom half of the time anyways so I rarely ever use her first name. But I can't imagine calling her Mrs. Raglio, it would seem way too formal for what our relationship is.

spottedginger · August 2015

I never called my MIL by her first name, but after a while calling her mrs. Last name seemed too impersonal and formal. The years between that and when I finally started calling her mom, I called her mom last name. It worked for me and she really liked it, too.

MrsBwIVF · August 2015

I'm glad others all their in laws "mom". My parents and aunts and uncles do that and I always thought it was normal. DH and his entire family never did that so he thought we were odd. And actually, half the time DH and his siblings refer to their parents by their first names, they're weird...

littleSkittle14 · August 2015

I like being addressed as "mrs" and maybe she does too.

DH and I started dating when I was a teen so I called her Mrs. It was awkward for me too after we were married but since baby arrived she started referring to herself as "granny" so now I do too!

ksrkim · August 2015

I call my MIL by her first name but I am from the northeast so I don't have that southern etiquette. It does seem extra formal though.

Once my DS was born, I feel like all we do is call her Mima because that's what we want my son to call her. I rarely use any other name. Maybe it won't be as much of an issue once baby comes.

ketobaby · August 2015

Thanks guys. I think its interesting to hear other perspectives and experiences with this.

jenbstevens · August 2015

I definitely think it's a little weird and very formal. You say you would have to call her that for the rest of time; do you think it would be different if you were married? I'm not saying you should get married, but both of the examples you gave are girlfriends, not wives. Maybe she feels the relationship between you and her would be different if you were married to her son, and then it would be less formal because you're technically family? I don't see what difference it makes if you're committed to each other, but a lot of people don't acknowledge that if you aren't married.

LauraSmarterSpam · August 2015

I call DH's parents Mr. Last Name and Mrs. Last Name. DH addresses my parents the same way. Then again we are from the south so that is how it usually is. I've found people get taken aback by it if they aren't from around here.
If DS is around then everyone gets addressed by their grandparental names.

LauraSmarterSpam · August 2015

chewie5990 said:
I always call people who are a generation older than me by Mr or Mrs. and/or M'am or Sir unless they tell me otherwise... even though I'm an adult I guess it's just a habit that I never felt comfortable dropping. I don't think it's too odd...but maybe that's because I live in the south and we are obsessively polite especially when it comes to addressing elders.

After replying to OP, I went back up to read through comments and saw chewie's post. Agree with all of this.

Sunny2015 · August 2015

It does seem strange. My mother in law always had me call her by her first name, she hates Mrs or Ms, she said it made her feel old lol. I've been calling her mom for two years now and she loves it. Like PP said I would ask her to let you call her something different since you guys don't have a really formal relationship.

BP1979 · August 2015

Doesn't seem strange at all to me. I call DH's parents Mr. Last Name and Mrs. Last Name and he does the same with my parents. A others have said, it's a respect thing. They are a generation older than me and my elders. It would never even cross my mind to call them by their first name.

Whovian84 · August 2015

My MIL was the same way and we live in the northeast. Super weird for me coming from the Midwest where it's all first names, but it's an old fashioned respect thing for her. When we got married though, she insisted that I call her 'mom' which was also felt odd. My husband doesn't find the Mrs. ___ thing weird at all and pretty much everyone in his NJ hometown does the same thing.

CMDD · August 2015

I dont think that's weird at all. I believe in calling people by their titles (Mr., Mrs, Dr or aunt, uncle) out of respect.

VesperLove · August 2015

I don't find it odd at all. It's her preference; therefore, it is what it is.

I have a number of women I've met and worked with over the years who are older than me (from the south) and they are known as Mrs Trina (first name but always with the Mrs) and Miss Margaret. That's their preference based on where they are from and their personal etiquette. I also called my ex-boyfriend's mom Mrs. so and so the entire time I was with her son (three years) even though I saw her, spent time with her, interacted with her, without her son there and as pretty good friends.

I think it's a sign of respect and should be honored until she says otherwise.

grkgdss00 · August 2015

Are you in the South by chance? Or is that where she's from? It seems this custom is more prominent there in my experience, and in that case, it is what it is. Out of respect, I think the younger generation should do this automatically. With that being said, now that you know her well, part of the family, and are having her grandbaby, maybe you can sit down and talk to her about it and ask her "is it OK if i call you ___" or "do you mind if I address you by ___"

abened · August 2015

I agree with asking her. Maybe you can compromise and call her Mrs First Name?
I usually just call people by however I'm introduced to them.

elbou · August 2015

When I was growing up, I was taught to call adults by their title (Mr/Mrs/Dr/Aunt/Uncle/Grandma/etc) and last name as a sign of respect. Around the time I became a teenager, some of the adults myself and my friends saw and interacted with regularly started commenting that >title, last name< made them feel old, and requested that we start calling them by their first name.

I remember being at a loss when I was expecting my first as well. MH and I weren't married yet and had known each other less than a year, but after so many adults telling me to call them by their first name, Mr/Mrs Last Name felt way too formal. I didn't feel comfortable calling them Mom/Dad (they weren't MY parents after all) either and didn't know how they felt about being called by their first names. In the end, I just asked my now FIL what he would like to be called. He joked around and said something like "Your Highness would be fine" lol. He then told me it was alright to just call him by his first name, and that's how it's been ever since.

I would just ask her. The conversation with MH's dad wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it might be. In the end though, if she still prefers Mrs. Last Name, then I would just go with it. My FIL called his FIL Mr. Last Name until he died, and it never seemed odd or out of place. My MIL called her ILs Gigi and Grandpa Last Name, and that seemed equally normal to me. It is what you make it.

violetigerlily · August 2015

I agree with PP's that it might be a good time to ask what she wants to be called and stick to that. I think that having the baby gives you a good opportunity for this ("What should we call you now that you're a grandmother?" or "What should the baby call you?" etc). I personally managed to avoid referring to my in-laws directly for the 5 years that we dated before we got married. It's amazing how little you need to say someone's name to them in person, but it did stress me out knowing that I had no idea what to call them--which is obviously a little different than your situation. For me, getting married was a good time to ask "What would you like me to call you now?" and I'm guessing that having her grandchild gives you a good reason to bring that question up again as well. Maybe she'd rather be referred to as "Grandma" now so the child learns to call her that name. Good luck!

herewegrow · August 2015

We now call all grandparents by their nicknames (Grandma Lisa, Grammy, etc) so it probably won't be an issue any longer. As others have noted, I usually use titles regardless of age with others. When teaching LO, my friends are "Aunt Susie" and others are "Miss Annie" so she knows to give that respect. Mrs. Brown is reserved for teachers or elderly friends, generally.

duckinoven · August 2015

My husband refers to my parents as mom/dad but I refer to his parents by first name. That may change once baby arrives. I personally struggled with the formalities of Mr/Mrs as it wasn't the norm growing up, and most friends' parents expected to be called by their first name where I grew up. When I moved to the south, I struggled with the formality. That struggle goes both ways though, some people can't imagine being called their first name by someone younger.

You'll be seeing her this weekend? Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

That is weird to me. You're having her grandchild, if you and SO are serious, then she is supposed to be like family. It feels pretty controlling and unfriendly to feel that you have to address her like a teacher or authority figure for the rest of your life. I believe that respect comes from your actions.

Honestly, if SO's mom would hold a grudge against me for not calling her a certain name I would feel hurt and disrespected. It is something you should talk to your SO about, see what he thinks about this rule his mom has. I agree with PP that you should find out what she wants baby to call her and see if she would have a problem with you addressing her with that name once baby comes.

What you call her should make both parties feel comfortable and respected. If she cannot come to some sort of compromise with the mother of her grandchild, you might find that you are going to have more issues with her over control in the years to come.

PS I grew up in rural Texas. True, we say yes m'am and no m'am and treat everyone with politeness and respect. But we also welcome our loved one's SOs into our families like family. Demanding such formality doesn't seem to be about respect to me, it seems to be about control.

preggoandglowing · August 2015

I think it's odd. I call my MIL by her name and in fact, most often call her by her nickname. She did want me to call her "mom" but that is too weird for me. Like, I already have my own mom.

I would just keep calling her Mrs. "X" and after interacting with her more often she'll probably end up telling you to just call her by her name.

mrussello · August 2015

I think the mrs thing is weird but if that's what makes her happy and not feel disrespected, then do that.

I call my MIL by her first name too. Her and my FIL want me to call them mom and dad but it is too weird for me. They don't push the issue and they call their inlaws by first names so I know they're not offended.

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

@preggoandglowing I call my MiL "Momma" and my mom is "Mom". It feels and sounds different when you say it, also MiL (though overbearing at times) is super sweet and supportive of everything SO and I do.

She has been with her BF for 6 years. Also are the grandparents there still in the picture? Does she call her in-laws, Mr. and Mrs., that might be a different perspective on the situation. If his mom hasn't warmed up to her after this long what is it gonna take for her to give?

mac-n-cheesy · August 2015

My DH and I dated when I was 14 and he was 16 and at that time his mom and dad were "Mrs. E and Mr. E."
Fast forward 16 years when DH and I re-connected and our parents on both sides are called by their first names. If I called my MIL "Mrs. E" now she would stare at me like I'm crazy and then proceed to tell me I know her much to well to call her that.
I'm from California though and etiquette seems to be more relaxed in this region of the country.
Hopefully, for OP when the baby arrives having a new title as grandma (or whatever she chooses) will smooth this all over. I can see how it would be a touchy subject especially since you do not want to offend someone who will be in your life for the rest of theirs.

colsen4 · August 2015

Try suggesting mrs. (First name). I was raised to use mr. and mrs. (Last name) and if an adult requested I call them anything else I could but still had to include mr. and mrs.

BostonBaby1 · August 2015

It depends on people's background. My DH would not call my parents by their first names until we got married, and then they became mom and dad.

* ETA – my parents were fine with him calling them by their first names, but he was not raised that way so I don't think that it's necessarily a control issue. After all, you said that she is like this with all of her sons SOs.

groovylocks · August 2015

If this is normal in whatever culture she is used to then it's not weird.

But if it's not normal in whatever culture she is used to (i.e.: she's a typical american/canadian/british lady) then yes. That's very weird.

That in itself is not a hard thing to deal with. Weird, yes, not hard though. My concern is that if she's this uppity about what you call her, she will be at least this uppity about a lot of other nitpicky things. Because to me, if this is not a cultural norm for her, she sounds slightly narcissistic and fussy. Which are unattractive personality traits that often mushroom out of control.

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