Surprise! I'm having a baby (shower)! SIL rant

lpmn10 · August 2015

Sorry in advance that this post might be a little rambling and venting more so than asking an actual question.
My husband has a younger step sister who has always been very irresponsible and is completely enabled by her mother (my husband's stepmom). Four years ago, she had her first baby but didn't tell anyone she was pregnant. She claimed she didn't know and so we literally got a call that she went to the ER and had a baby. In hindsight, we think the stepmom knew and kept it a secret because they didn't want their ailing grandmother to know the situation. Fast forward to now, she's still with her same loser boyfriend, still hasn't done anything with her life and her mom and my FIL basically raise her daughter and pay for everything (housing, childcare, car, etc.)

We don't see the stepsister that often but this summer my husband saw her at a family bday party and commented that she seemed to have gained a lot of weight. (Her weight fluctuates a lot which is why she was able to hide the first pregnancy.) He thought that maybe she was pregnant again but didn't say anything cause he felt awkward. Later he heard the 4 year old niece talking about the new baby but none of the adults ever commented about it. We are having our second baby and have obviously been very open about it, so there have been plenty of times someone could have told us.

Last week, I got a shower invitation in the mail for her! That's how they're announcing the pregnancy-with a shower invite! Then we saw her this weekend and she said she's due in 2 weeks!
Am I a terrible person if I make up an excuse not to go to the shower? Aside from the fact that I think it's tacky to have a shower with your second kid (I am not having another one), I just can't get over the fact that she again didn't acknowledge the pregnancy but now wants a bunch of gifts! Or do I just suck it up, buy her a package of diapers (rather than one of the extravagant things on her registry) and go to the shower?

amm0512 · August 2015

Wow...where to even begin with this. No, I would not go to the shower, but maybe that is just me being catty. I refuse to have a shower for baby #2 because I think it's greedy, so I would not indulge someone else either. Additionally, a shower is a time to sit back, reflect on the pregnancy, and discuss the future baby. She's deprived everyone of experiencing the pregnancy with her, so once again, no, I would not go to her shower.

preggoandglowing · August 2015

Yeah it definitely seems gift grabby that she wouldn't tell anyone she's pregnant except for inviting you the shower. I mean, you are family after all and you're pregnant! I would make up an excuse and say I don't feel good.

mac-n-cheesy · August 2015

I agree completely with both PP's. That's pretty unreal and tacky behavior on her part and if I were you I'd just stay away from that whole situation.

kharley · August 2015

I agree with previous posts. I wouldn't go either.

taysun · August 2015

I wouldn't attend either. You can respectfully tell her you have a previous engagement you can't get out of and that's that.

jmomof4 · August 2015

I wouldn't go either. Grrrrrr!

RSB1982 · August 2015

She sounds like a real peach! Nope, wouldn't go. Thats so last minute notice, its totally believable that you would have another obligation. If you think it might strain your relationship with that side of the family if you don't attend, you could 'drop by' for just a few minutes with a small gift. But I wouldn't waste half a Saturday/Sunday celebrating with her!

ChiccoBeanz · August 2015

Personally, idc about second showers, depending on the person, timing, reasoning and etc. But the way she is going about this whole thing is just weird and awkward. Plus that isn't ample time for a person to be able to attend such an event, so I'd decline and send some pampers and move on. No reason to even stress. A cute $1 card and some pampers will suffice perfectly. She's rude for how she handled this entire ordeal.

duckinoven · August 2015

Awkward! I would decline because it's on such short notice and send a card and gift card to target, Amazon, or her registry store (if it's convenient and nearby!) as a compromise. So odd!

spottedginger · August 2015

Does she seclude herself at home and only wear moomoos when she leaves the house? I am just so perplexed about how she could hide it for so long. I have so many questions. Inquisitive minds want to know.

kristen2b · August 2015

spottedginger said:
Does she seclude herself at home and only wear moomoos when she leaves the house? I am just so perplexed about how she could hide it for so long. I have so many questions. Inquisitive minds want to know.

What she said. Also I wouldn't go. She sounds like the worst.

lpmn10 · August 2015

@spottedginger The first time around, she did avoid family gatherings for the last 6 months. Plus she has always had weight issues so no one really thought anything when she gained like 20 pounds. This time, I think everyone suspected earlier on but just didn't want to say anything. I think my FIL and his wife (her mom) knew a couple months ago. I just don't understand why it would be a secret! Her grandma died last year so that can't be the reason anymore. It's so weird to me to hide a pregnancy. Everyone is going to find out eventually when you show up with a baby!

kepoole · August 2015

I would go just to be the better person but diapers would be all I take. As far as it being "tacky" for a second shower? I disagree. A third or fourth maybe but this is my second pregnancy and it was completely unexpected. My daughter is 6 and I was not planning to have another so I have NOTHING. I'm not asking for a shower but my friends WANT to give me one and help me with some things. But she absolutely seems to be shady about the way she's going about things.

hplunkett2883 · August 2015

I wouldn't go. Not because it's a second shower but because of how she is just springing it on everyone at the last minute. Your family should know your pregnant WAY before a baby shower invite is sent. And she's due in 2 weeks? Talk about short notice. That baby could be born any day now.

4puddleducks · August 2015

I would drop off a package of diapers or something else practical/cheap and give your regrets on not being able to attend the actual shower.

tinydove · August 2015

Why is she having a shower this late -- if she's supposedly due in two weeks?! The whole situation sounds bizarre.

But it sounds like she didn't have a shower with her first, if I'm reading this correctly. Maybe she feels ashamed of her pregnancy because of the potential reactions/secrecy of her first? I might be the odd one out on this one but I'd go, even if you do only take a pack of diapers. Who knows her true reasons for being so weird about it. Maybe they just threw together a shower at the last minute so she could have help getting what she needs and feel a little excitement about it.

ToneGirl · August 2015

If you are concerned about it straining your relationship with that side of the family (as pp said), maybe stop by and bring a small pack of diapers and say you had a previous engagement. That way you are not stuck being there all day yet still show "support". As far as a 2nd baby shower, my friend is throwing me one. I don't think they are tacky or unnecessary under certain circumstances. I am divorced from my son's father and it was a VERY bad divorce and I did not get ANY of the baby stuff. I am literally starting completely over here plus this is a new baby with my new husband...it's just different. I don't expect a shower or tons of gifts...I'm happy with hand-me-downs from friends but very grateful that my friends are throwing me one.

angetralala · August 2015

I'm with everyone else here - the situation is bizarre enough that it's not much of a moral dilemma whether or not to attend. With only two weeks to go, it's completely reasonable that you would have to be somewhere else that day. So strange!

Jellybeanbreeze · August 2015

I would do whatever you really think is right. In the end, how will you feel if you go/don't go to the shower? Empowered or guilty? It's all about you and the particular situation. There is no cookie-cutter response. Good luck!

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

I wouldn't go. I mean I understand about wanting to be a bit more private with pregnancy as being super sharing and vocal can be a stress-inducing mess. But it seems like she probably gets off on the fact that no body knows until the last second and then fawns over her. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't invite her to mine either (I'm a FTM) because I bet she'd try to steal my thunder.

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