Reconnecting with your husband...

WinchestertoPittsburgh · August 2015

Good Morning everyone! Can we talk about bonding time? Not just sex, although that's a part of it, but ways to really bond and connect with your husband. After our hectic few months of pregnancy, MC literally days prior to our wedding, D&C, then another pregnancy/MC, I feel as if our 'honeymoon phase' was taken away from us. So. With DS away with his father on vacation, i'm trying to take advantage of some alone time with DH.

Are there any good tips you may have for reconnecting? Have any of you taken the time to do one of those 'get to know you' sorts of questionnaires with your DH? (I've seen articles about them online but haven't tried). Tonight I'm making a yummy dinner with candles, etc... tomorrow we may go shopping together in the evening... but I figured some input from you all might be helpful.

Thanks in advance.. I love feeling all mushy and giddy again with my husband. I've missed this.

PugsandKisses · August 2015

I am sorry for all that stress but I think your plan is a smart and strong one.

As long as you guys are together, any thing is bonding. It depends on the couple. Bare you outdoors people? Take a hike before sunrise and have a breakfast picnic as the sun comes up.
Or go get a coupled massage.
Go to a Museum or art show together.

As for questions, I really can't help.

ShallowSeas · August 2015

I would recommend either taking a long weekend getaway together and turning off phones/tablets/laptops etc and focusing all your attention on each other or having a weekly date night.

I've talked about it before on here, but DH and I have a designated date night every week. Its very important to us and we're very protective over it. We plan it out several days before. Sometimes we do something simple like order Chinese takeout and rent a movie and sometimes we go all out and go to a nice restaurant, see a movie, go to a bar and listen to a band. Our only rule is that we turn our phones on silent and completely ignore them. We don't have our phones out from the moment we start date night until we go to bed. I think its really helped our relationship. After 3+ years we are still in the 'honeymoon phase' and I absolutely give credit to date night for it. Its something we both look forward to every week.

MNturnsVA · August 2015

Over the 8 years DH and I have been together in total, we've learned a few things. One of the big things for us was reading the 5 love languarges. Not saying you having any issues, but it has helped me to introduce some new things into the relationship. My DH loves to receive praise (what man doesn't??)

One of the things that I do for him is try to write him a little love note every day. Sometimes there are instructions about what I need him to do, like put the crockpot from the fridge in the actual crock and turn it on or put something in the mail. I try to not make them all about that type of thing though. I do try to always tell him how much I love him and appreciate him. The note I left him this morning has a countdown for our trip in 27 days. He loves the notes, he often tells me that he folds them up and puts them in his pocket and keeps them with him all day.

I really also enjoy our "date nights" even if its just going to the movies or something. When we do go out, its usually with friends or we meet up with friends. So when we do something one on one that's a change of pace for us.

You could "re-create" your first date. I like the dinner with candles tonight too.

Trying a new activity that neither of you have done could be fun too, like a rock climbing wall or maybe a segway tour? Going to a local brewery or vineyard?

Sounds like fun!!

WinchestertoPittsburgh · August 2015

Designated date night is something we are going to start planning for sure. We already have 'built in days off' from DS when he goes with his father, so we have no excuse as to why we can't spend one day per week together doing something without distractions.

I've looked on Groupon today and there are some good weekday deals for a local sushi bar, as well as a local brewery, so we might try those

And the five love languages? Its SO funny that you mentioned them, @MNturnsVA, because DH's mom had the book at her house this weekend and I happened to pick it up and ended up reading the entire thing (it was a pretty easy read and fun!). Although it started out as a joke when DH was sitting next to me and we laughed about certain parts, wouldn't you know it turned into a really great discussion on the way home about how each of us enjoys receiving love. I'd definitely recommend that book again and again.

Thanks ladies

MNturnsVA · August 2015

@WinchestertoPittsburgh- That book is what sparked my "love note" writing

Taking a class of some sort together, working out together, learning a new skill together can be great ways to add some spark to the relationship as well.

And last but not least, there was one other person who had mentioned on here a few weeks ago that they have an "on month" and an "off month" from TTC. She said that helped alleviate some of the pressure and stresses. I think she still temped at least to keep track of some things during the off month, but didn't discuss it as much with DH.

Last night we had non baby making focused sex and it was probably the first time I enjoyed it as much in the last month or so. So I know ya'll are anxious about that too but maybe just giving yourself a month off and you can still temp and just keep the topic as off limits for the month??

But I agree with all the other stuff too

KristieA · August 2015

I echo the getting away idea! We delayed our honeymoon and when we did finally go, it was a real treat (even though I had a cyst and was in a lot of pain).

We are really stressed right now so we are going away again for a couple of days to spend time together. It is easy for us to turn our phones/computers off as we go off to Europe and they don't work, but you might consider switching off too.

Have fun! Being a newlywed is the best- enjoy it while you can!

DramaMama6 · August 2015

MNturnsVA said:
Over the 8 years DH and I have been together in total, we've learned a few things. One of the big things for us was reading the 5 love languarges. Not saying you having any issues, but it has helped me to introduce some new things into the relationship. My DH loves to receive praise (what man doesn't??)

One of the things that I do for him is try to write him a little love note every day. Sometimes there are instructions about what I need him to do, like put the crockpot from the fridge in the actual crock and turn it on or put something in the mail. I try to not make them all about that type of thing though. I do try to always tell him how much I love him and appreciate him. The note I left him this morning has a countdown for our trip in 27 days. He loves the notes, he often tells me that he folds them up and puts them in his pocket and keeps them with him all day.

I really also enjoy our "date nights" even if its just going to the movies or something. When we do go out, its usually with friends or we meet up with friends. So when we do something one on one that's a change of pace for us.

You could "re-create" your first date. I like the dinner with candles tonight too.

Trying a new activity that neither of you have done could be fun too, like a rock climbing wall or maybe a segway tour? Going to a local brewery or vineyard?

Sounds like fun!!

DH and I read The 5 Love Languages book as part of our premarital counseling. Great book, it helped us both realize we express and want love in different ways. He showed love by doing things like cooking or cleaning, so when I want to show him how much I love him, I'll make him something special or really scrub down the house. Sounds silly but it's effective.

We are a bit different and bond by playing video games, so I'm not too much help in that aspect. I would say that any activity where you get to be alone together is probably great for bonding.

RachelT1234 · August 2015

Groupon is a great idea! And the no distraction rule, we're always too focused on our phones.

We just went to a local brewery and brewed our own beer, which was a lot of fun. Next week we have to go back to bottle it together, and make our labels. We also went canoeing recently and that was a great bonding experience.

itsmehere1212 · August 2015

DH and I do weekly date night as well. It is a staple and very good for us. Everyone we know also knows about it too, friends, family, DH's lacrosse team. Everyone knows Monday is date night and we are unavailable. Like @severmilli12 said, it really helps us stay in the honeymoon phase and holds us accountable for our marriage.

If you want questions, DH and I just had a lot of fun answering newlywed-type game questions with each other. I was prepping the game for my sisters Bach party and dh and I started playing. We had a lot of fun. You can get question examples anywhere on Pinterest.

@MNturnsVA loved the five love languages!

MEA0320 · August 2015

We both work crazy long hours during the week so we make time to shutdown all the technology at home for an hour or two each day. Also, just taking our two dogs for a walk is a great way for us to talk about our days and unwind together.

Depending on our schedule with other activities with friends, sometimes I'll just completely block out a weekend so we can do something just the two of us. Sometimes it's just spending a few hours at the pool and then relaxing at home; or it's a classic night out with dinner and a movie.

WinchestertoPittsburgh · August 2015

@MNturnsVA, we've had non baby making sex recently and we both just looked at each other afterwards like, 'ooohhhhhh', we've missed that. I'm hoping AF/CP leaves soon (it seems as if it's near finished) because I'd love to keep that going before DS returns. Although i'm not sure we will 'skip' a month on purpose, we've decided not to focus so much on the timing and 'we have to do it right now' like we did last month.

saladflambe · August 2015

We also have a designated date night, but man is it hard to keep it up! It's just so easy to be like 'not this week!' and before we know it...it's been a month. $:\$

I like re-doing some of the dates we used to take as an unmarried couple: miniature golf, bowling, etc. But, to be honest, some of our most intimate (non-sex) moments are just driving in the car somewhere. We end up talking and talking and talking for hours.

lalala2004 · August 2015

One thing that we've done recently is set an early "bed time" for ourselves. We are supposed to be ready for bed and in it at 9 every night. This is a no phones time (unless one of us is ready to sleep as the other isn't). It gives us more of a chance to talk, pray, wind down, possibly have sex if we hadn't already, or just read books. Sometimes we go to sleep at 9:30, sometimes we stay up later talking. It's been nice and also helps make sure we get enough sleep. (It doesn't apply if we're out and about doing something, we don't give ourselves a curfew

) )

lalalorelai · August 2015

H and I work slightly different schedules, so we don't have a whole lot of regular time together. On his day off he'll usually come down to my work so we get lunch together, which is a nice treat. We also try to walk the dogs together whenever we're both home in the evenings.

I think the best bonding we've done is when we do something together. A few years ago we trained for and ran a half marathon--that was an amazing bonding experience. Even something simple like putting together a new dresser a few weeks ago brought us even closer. Do you guys have a hobby or activity you could do together on a regular basis?

WinchestertoPittsburgh · August 2015

We watch Jeopardy every night together and try to 'beat' the other person, which is super fun and cute. We also do a lot of work outside together and have a lot of little house projects that we are working on sporadically. I'd like to find a hobby that's more consistent that we could engage in... i'm going to talk with him tonight to see if he has any ideas.

0Face · August 2015

H and I work opposite schedules, but when we do spend time together---I try to help him with projects (he's finishing his massive garage) and run errands together. Just helping each other with small items around the house is "together" time.

When it's more dedicated time, we make sure to put electronic devices away or down, and just let conversation flow. It's nice to do road trips too, the "forced" togetherness really helps things just happen as far as sharing.

I read the Five Love Languages a long time ago, and I recommend it anyone, especially if you and your mate are not at all the same types (as H and I are not even close).

LizaKate1213 · August 2015

We always feel the most connected when we can go out and do something active together. We don't really enjoy romantic dinners, etc because they feel forced, especially if we aren't feeling connected in the first place. We would rather go hiking, rock climbing, do an intense workout video at home, go fishing, bowling, mini golfing, zip lining, kayaking...anything that gets us moving and relaxed. It is a good conversation starter for later in the evening when we do finally sit down for a meal together. If we are at home, we will have a campfire outside and roast s'mores sometimes in the evening, or play a game of cards (he is teaching me how to play poker). It gets rid of the pressured feel of a "date."

RachelT1234 · August 2015

@LizaKate1213 we're the same way, we love being outside and doing different activities together. We love mountain biking, just started paddleboarding and learning how to rock climb. If we try the romantic dinner thing it always ends up feeling awkward and forced.

vinerie · August 2015

Oh my, I am so sorry to hear of a MC any time, but right before your wedding must have been especially difficult. Hugs to you.

As for your question, I love it because I think it's so important. We recently got married, too, and one of my friends who was recently divorced got us a Starbucks gift card as part of her gift to us. In her card she said she wished she had made more time for "dates" out of the house--not just watching a movie together at home, for instance.

So one thing we've started doing is riding our bikes to eat once a week. It's a couple miles as we live in the 'burbs, but I must say, there is something kind of fun about doing this physical activity together before eating. There is a nice energy between us while we eat, which always seems to lend itself to good discussions. We also go on hikes and bring a good lunch and it's the same kind of thing--good conversation after that physical exertion of climbing.

Curious to hear the approaches of others!

cjt121413 · August 2015

Very sorry about your loss, OP.

DH and I don't have a lot of together time just the two of us. He has a wacky work schedule, and our sleeping hours are different. Plus DS is always in some kind of activity, piano, swimming, soccer, t-ball, etc. We are running around a lot of the time. When we can, we love to travel together or even just stay overnight at a hotel. We also like to go out to eat together when DS is with his dad. Sometimes I can convince him to get a pedi with me.

I also try to liven everyday stuff up by being silly with him and turning on 80s music. And when we're apart, I like to send him sweet (or sexy) texts to remind him he's on my mind even though we're apart.

xyzabqsmvb53 · August 2015

This is a good thread!!

My DH and I most easily connect if we are close physically (meaning holding hands or just sitting on the couch so that we are touching in some way). We like to go out for beer and appetizers sometimes and I'll either sit on the same side of the booth as DH or reach out my hand and hold his over the table as we chat.

The other thing that I enjoy is keeping in touch throughout the day. He's a SAHD and I work in an office so we check in with each other via facebook chat. We also say I love you probably about a billion times a day. That was a habit we formed naturally very early on and we say it pretty randomly. One or the other of us will out of the blue just say "love you babe!".

I have never read the Five Love Languages but I've heard of it and if I had to guess I'd say that DH's is physical touch. Not as sure what mine is. I should read it!

KarenBeth714 · August 2015

Some great advice here! Thanks.. I feel like we need this as well. It's only been a month of TTC and the stress (maybe it's just cause this is all new to us) is making me distant. I'm always reading something about symtoms or HPTs and my mind has been elsewhere. I def have to check out the Love Languages, it may help bc I knew we have different needs for sure.

Minnie1155 · August 2015

lalala2004 said:
One thing that we've done recently is set an early "bed time" for ourselves. We are supposed to be ready for bed and in it at 9 every night. This is a no phones time (unless one of us is ready to sleep as the other isn't). It gives us more of a chance to talk, pray, wind down, possibly have sex if we hadn't already, or just read books. Sometimes we go to sleep at 9:30, sometimes we stay up later talking. It's been nice and also helps make sure we get enough sleep. (It doesn't apply if we're out and about doing something, we don't give ourselves a curfew ) )

We have been doing the early bed time too and same with the phones. We also started doing more date nights alone. Whenever we go out it tends to be with friends, so a date night alone is really nice and special. We also try not to have any baby talk when we have a date night.

thycapa · August 2015

When my husband and I need to catch up and reconnect we take a long walk and then come home and sit on our deck with a beverage to reflect on what we talked about (usually with coffee, wine or whatever is appropriate). I know it sounds like a boring thing to do, but it's nice to have no distractions, no phones and no other people around so it can be just us as we stretch our legs, take in the scenery and get some fresh air together.

WinchestertoPittsburgh · August 2015

I adore all of the advice and experiences you gals have given, I think it's been a great discussion!

Just as an update, DH and I have been having a great time. Last night, the dinner was yummy and then we decided to cuddle together and watch a movie. Put the phones away, and just had one of those teenager type cuddles on the couch where our legs were intertwined and we kept holding hands, etc. It was fun!

Tonight, we decided to go do some shopping and have a sushi dinner. Truly hoping AF/CP is finished and we can have some fun. We've been flirting A LOT via text, and damn if I can't stop getting butterflies just thinking about him.

As we all become engulfed in TTC, remembering our marriages and relationships is super important as well. I feel like this is what i'm taking away from recent experiences and it's been a great lesson learned

MNturnsVA · August 2015

@smvb53- Touch of any sort is supposed to be one of the big things to stay connected with your partner. We recently moved into the house my DH grew up in and his mom and step dad had been living there. We inheireted a king size bed which we LOVE but I miss the snuggling we did in our queen size bed. Saying I love you many times through out the day too is supposed to be one as well. And I hate sitting on the same side of the table as my DH! We call it "same siders". If we are out with others, its ok, but if its just the 2 of us, no way, we avoid it like the plague! I don't know why or what it is!!

@WinchestertoPitssburgh- Glad things are going well for you guys! The flirty texts are fun

My DH has been sending me some of those as well

taraemerald11 · August 2015

Hi there, I had a miscarriage too just days before our wedding (D&C procedure) so I can totally understand what the two of you are going through. A few months after our wedding I was still having a really hard time with the loss, so we took a weekend alone to ourselves and went back to the city we got married and spent 2 nights just relaxing and unwinding there. We did wine tours (we got married at winery in Niagara on the Lake, Ontario) and I found doing this and just 'getting away from it all' really helped. So if you can go away to somewhere that's special to the two of you, I would say do that

KarenBeth714 · August 2015

I'm so sorry to hear of the losses mentioned above...I was thinking about this thread today and how DH and I love doing one of those dinner recipe delivery services and we cook together. It's fun- usually the recipes take some team work and are super yummy. I have a couple of extra "free weeks" to give away (they give you a free week to send every months and I've given to most of my family and friends already, lol) So if anyone wants I can give to first two people that message me! You don't have to sign up to get the trial.

(note- This is in no way a promotion.. I just really have free meals to give away and I'd love to share with some of you if you like to cook.)

beachbunnyxo123 · August 2015

Love this thread! Great discussion and ideas! DH and I have bought these marriage quiz books where you have to guess what the other person would say or answer the questions for your spouse and we laugh so hard and have so much fun. Usually we make bets with sexual favors based on who wins.

Also I've made DH a coupon book that he loves and uses all the time. Some examples are dinner of your choice, get out of jail free card, homemade baking, free BJ, massage, breakfast in bed, etc. he appreciates it, usually the BJ ones are the first to go since we usually skip on those since saliva isn't good for baby making

We've also taken cooking classes together which was fun and different! Thanks to all the ladies here with great suggestions I will definitely be using them!

Reconnecting with your husband...

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