ALL of your insight and advice has been so gratefully appreciated!! After much thought and careful consideration I have decided that this baby will be getting my last name. I am very unsure at this point as to how involved my SO is going to be. I am not going to ask his opinion because I already know what he is going to say. He is going to flip his lid and potentially walk away from us... With that being said, it's a risk I am willing to take. I am NOT sure where, when or exactly how I am going to tell him. I am not doing this to be selfish, I am thinking of my future and this LO future too. With us not being married the baby has just as much right to my last name as it does to his. And I forget who said it, but it is very true in saying where as he might not be an active part in this child's life forever, I most certainly will. If miraculously things between us take a turn for the positive and we do I fact get married then I am totally fine with changing the baby's last name down the road. For the time being my decision is to give the baby my last name. It is out of no disrespect to my SO and I definitely do still plan on is choosing the first and middle name together... I will name him as the father on the birth certificate... But the LO will share a last name with me. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. My stomach flips at the thought of having to tell him this, but that isn't a discussion that we will be having anytime soon. I know some woman have their opinions that he should have the fathers last name regardless, but in this situation I don't feel like he does. Keep you all posted on how this works out... Xoxo
Your decision sounds very well thought out and rational! Good luck! Don't worry about telling him yet- there is plenty of time to do that later. And - if he would walk away from his child because the baby is not getting his last name until and if you get married, then he is ridiculous and not invested in the baby anyway. I'm sorry he sucks so much. Congrats on the boy!!!!
To me, my part of the baby is getting to carry it and giving birth to it. It's a connection the father will not have. His connection is the baby taking his name. You didn't make that baby by yourself. It IS half him. If he plans on being a part of the baby's life then he deserves SOMETHING. That being said, if between now and the time the baby is born that changes, then the plans should change. But I think just being "disappointed" isn't a good reason to take that connection away.
I really like how you worded this. I am pregnant with a guy I was basically "friends with benefits" with for 6 months, and I am so back and forth with what last name to give the baby. He says he is going to be there for support. But you're right, the baby IS half of him and he doesn't get to experience any connection like a mother does.
Doesn't the idea that a woman or child has to take the man's last name seem outdated at this point? YOU are growing this child in your body. And it sounds like you may be the primary caregiver.
I didn't take my husband's name, so we will be hyphenating our child's last name. I can't imagine the child I carried inside me not having my last name.
Bottom line, it's 2015. Women matter. You matter. Do what you want, not what society seems to still dictate.
I feel like a woman or child to take the mans last name is outdated. I have s couple of good friends who are in their early thirties like me and did not take their husbands last names. They have established professional careers and chose not to. I see nothin wrong with that.
If my SO and I were married and shared a last name I would give the baby our last name. As far as me being the one carrying it and the only "connection" he could have would be for this baby to have his name is a little outdated in my opinion. The way I see it is that we aren't married and the child as just as much right to my name as his. His actions and behaviour for the past few months are not of someone that I would choose as husband material. Like I said, maybe he will turn things around and we can make things work. It's unlikely. However, as mentioned by previous posters, a name can be changed... So if things DO work out then LO and I will both change our names... Again, at this point, unlikely. It is unfortunate and I am sad but I feel like the best thing that I can do for me and this little guy is to do what I feel is best. I know he is going to flip his lid, but in my heart I feel like this is the right thing to do.
If it were me I would either use your last name or hyphen it if you are unsure in any way. I would want my child to share my last name. Makes it easier when they are young for dr appointments, teachers, etc. At the end of the day it's your decision though. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it. It will all work out
To me, my part of the baby is getting to carry it and giving birth to it. It's a connection the father will not have. His connection is the baby taking his name. You didn't make that baby by yourself. It IS half him. If he plans on being a part of the baby's life then he deserves SOMETHING. That being said, if between now and the time the baby is born that changes, then the plans should change. But I think just being "disappointed" isn't a good reason to take that connection away.
This rubs me wrong. So he does nothing and he "deserves" to have his last name used?
To me, my part of the baby is getting to carry it and giving birth to it. It's a connection the father will not have. His connection is the baby taking his name. You didn't make that baby by yourself. It IS half him. If he plans on being a part of the baby's life then he deserves SOMETHING. That being said, if between now and the time the baby is born that changes, then the plans should change. But I think just being "disappointed" isn't a good reason to take that connection away.
This rubs me wrong. So he does nothing and he "deserves" to have his last name used?
No. I said that if he is planning on being involved in the child's life, he deserves it. The baby is half him. If he wants to be a dad, that's not nothing.
I am in the same situation. We have no intention of ever getting together and he has been hit-n-miss on involvement up to this point. It's extremely hard to handle right now, but I'm waiting until the baby is born to make my decision. He isn't abusive, just in a different place than I am at the moment. If he can't be on time for the delivery and be there when the baby is born then baby will absolutely have only my last name. I thought about using a hyphenated last name to make it a little easier on me. But I fully believe this needs to be a personal decision not weighted by family members and strangers on the internet. Good luck girl!
@shelbell0116 - the issue is here his idea of "involvement" and my idea of being a father are completely different. He has two kids already. One he has absolutely nothing to do with (and is offended to the moon and back that the kid doesn't have his last name even though he never met her until she was 5 months old and hasn't seen her since) and the older one does share his last name, however he walked out on the mother when that kid was 7 months old. He pays child support and takes the kid when he feels like it. No consistency. I didn't particularly want to mention this before because of many reasons... I had NO IDEA that his daughter existed until AFTER I was already pregnant. His son I had met a few times and is lovely. Yes, I definitely am getting pressure from my family, but it doesn't matter because I have thought of this since the day I found out I was pregnant. AND to make the situation worse, I broke up with him 5 days before I found out I was pregnant for many reasons and the only reason why I am trying to give him a second chance is because of our baby. Even though I am five years younger than him we are at totally different places in it lives and come from two different worlds. The bottom line is our two worlds collide and I can't imagine being with him and giving this little one his last name just because I am pregnant with his child. It's not an ideal situation, but with with that being said this baby is already so loved and I will always be a loving constant in this little boys life. There is no guarantee that he will.
If the dad doesn't plan on being in the child's life, then just your name. Because that makes sense because your family will be just you two : )
If the plan is the dad to be in your child's life, but not yours, I would use BOTH your last names. Not hyphenated just "Baby Girl Jones Smith" for example. It makes sense, she/he is part of both of you.
Another option that I one person I know did for both her girls was "first middle middle(but the second middle name was her last name) last(his last name). She also liked this because if she never had a boy her girls would have their family name still in their name once they got married, but would obviously lose the fathers last name.
I say follow your heart. And try not to stress too much on it, stress isn't good, of course : ) Lastly, don't be afraid of what the fathers reaction will be. We don't all get what we want and that's life. For example, you may want him to man up, and love and cherish both you and your baby, and he may never do that. So therefore, we don't all get what we want. Good luck Momma.
I think that its a very personal decision that should be made by you both. I always thought that my baby would always have my last name, but as me and my SO will be together 5 years at that point, and i feel very secure about where our relationship will eventually go, im giving my baby his last name. Not everyone agrees with this decision, however it's mine to make with his input and noone elses. Just go with your gut, and do what makes you happy and comfortable
I decided to go to my parents house yesterday and we had a long talk about all of this... So grateful they are supportive in whatever I decide (however they both think 100 percent baby should have our family name). Not speaking to SO at this point and not going to beg for his attention, apologies, etc. The more I think about it the more I know that it's naive for me to think that he is miraculously going to change. He didn't man up for his first two kids and so why would he man up for this one? Anyways... This week should be interesting... Hope everyone has a great week !
Did you also talk to your SO...does be know why you aren't speaking to him?
It is very clear why I am not speaking to him and of course he knows. He might be a douche bag and insensitive at times but he is not stupid... Stubborn, yes.
So you've announced to a bunch of strangers but not your SO!?
I tell you guys things that I haven't told my SO yet, usually for emptional support. It's not like you're going to leak to her friends that the baby is a boy... since they aren't speaking and the entire thread is about her bf fears, I don't think it's that odd.
My DS is named after his father which I really didn't want to do but it was important to him, my son is an IV. Fast foward 2.5 years later and here I am pregnant and we recently split up due to him cheating. I really have NO desire to give LO his last name BUT because DS has it, I am actually contemplating doing so that way they have the same names but honestly I'm just not sure.
That's a tough one... He and I don't have any children together besides the one on the way... Good luck with whatever you decide and I am sure you will make the best decision for you and your LO .
@SummerOH... Thank you!! I was totally put off by that comment as well... I share things on this board because it's a community and I come here for support. I ask for advice and not judgement... Anyone who has read previous posts of mine regarding SO should understand as to WHY I haven't told him that LO is a boy... I am at my wits end with SO right now. Pregnancy should be a happy and exciting time for both parties involved... He has made this pregnancy more Difficult emotionally than it ever should be. I sincerely hope that he shapes up, but at this point I am emotionally and mentally preparing myself to raising this LO by myself. I wish the situation was different, but it's just not.
One thing I want to point out - having nothing to do with the name - is that I feel like my husband and i aren't getting along as well either. I do think that is fairly common - you are both nervous, things are changing, you are snappier and more emotional from the horomones.
While I obviously have no insight into your relationship, I'm just pointing out that it may not be a sign that you guys are not going to make it.
I just want to point out, if you aren't speaking to him, and he won't have your child's last name, and he doesn't even know what the sex of his child is (but all of TB does) he is not your SO (significant other) he is your BD (baby daddy).
Honestly why are you hoping he "shapes up" he's been through pregnancy before and has 2 children he doesn't take care of. Why do you think he is suddenly going to change? And from the sound of him he sounds like D-bag and you are better off with out him. Stop wishing and hoping for him to change. Pull up your boot straps and get your life together. It's not about you or him anymore it's about the baby you are bringing into the world.
Yeah, I do agree with the peanut gallery that you're probs better off without him. He reminds me a bit of one of my BFFs exes, and that guy has done nothing but fuck up his kid--because she keeps hoping for better and letting him disappoint them. I don't think a baby will change your SO at the core and it would be naive to expect him to ante up when he didn't for his other kids. Things don't get easier, they get harder. You need to make a backup plan that doesn't involve him, in case things don't play out well, so you can properly look after yourself and LO, emotionally and physically.
Thank you so much for your feedback . I am working on a back up plan... I have a career, a home and an amazing family. I could care less about his child support... I would be so much happier to have his emotional support. I figure he's known about LO for almost three months now and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. If anything things have obviously gotten much worse. I have been sensitive to his feelings up until recently, tried to help him through problems with his other kids and so on and so forth. I am emotionally just so exhausted. I have defended him and put him on a pedastle to my family and close friends... I can't do it anymore. I am calm and rational until he does or says something to "stir the pot" and then my blood pressure goes through the roof. Thank goodness this pregnancy has been a breeze thus far physically because he has made it emotionally challenging. I am past being sad about it, I am very focused and determined to surround myself with positive people/energy while my LO is still protected in my womb and will continue to do so for the rest of my little mans life. I am not saying that he can't ever have a relationship with the baby, but I won't tolerate a man who is there only when it's convenient for him and in and out of both of our lives like he is with his other kids. I plan on talking to him at the end of the week. I can't deal with him right now.
That was uncalled for an SO rude!!! What in the hell???? I don't understand why some women on here love to hide behind a screen name and be such nasty bullies. If you don't care stay off of this thread. Most ladies have been so incredibly supportive and helpful. I asked for insight which was recieved very well and with much gratitude. But these little ignorant GIFS?! Really?!
That was uncalled for an SO rude!!! What in the hell???? I don't understand why some women on here love to hide behind a screen name and be such nasty bullies. If you don't care stay off of this thread. Most ladies have been so incredibly supportive and helpful. I asked for insight which was recieved very well and with much gratitude. But these little ignorant GIFS?! Really?!
Ok, I think you've been around enough to know that the bully comment is not going to go over well. You are starting more drama now that your thread has run its course. What the effffff! How about you give the baby my last name problem solved, let's move on! Edit to add- my last name is twatwaffle
Speak for yourself please @Snoopylovesbelle . I have gotten a lot of great support and insight from people who genuinely have reached out because they care.
Re: Baby's Last Name...
I didn't take my husband's name, so we will be hyphenating our child's last name. I can't imagine the child I carried inside me not having my last name.
Bottom line, it's 2015. Women matter. You matter. Do what you want, not what society seems to still dictate.
If my SO and I were married and shared a last name I would give the baby our last name. As far as me being the one carrying it and the only "connection" he could have would be for this baby to have his name is a little outdated in my opinion. The way I see it is that we aren't married and the child as just as much right to my name as his. His actions and behaviour for the past few months are not of someone that I would choose as husband material. Like I said, maybe he will turn things around and we can make things work. It's unlikely. However, as mentioned by previous posters, a name can be changed... So if things DO work out then LO and I will both change our names... Again, at this point, unlikely. It is unfortunate and I am sad but I feel like the best thing that I can do for me and this little guy is to do what I feel is best. I know he is going to flip his lid, but in my heart I feel like this is the right thing to do.
This rubs me wrong. So he does nothing and he "deserves" to have his last name used?
If the dad doesn't plan on being in the child's life, then just your name. Because that makes sense because your family will be just you two : )
If the plan is the dad to be in your child's life, but not yours, I would use BOTH your last names. Not hyphenated just "Baby Girl Jones Smith" for example. It makes sense, she/he is part of both of you.
Another option that I one person I know did for both her girls was "first middle middle(but the second middle name was her last name) last(his last name). She also liked this because if she never had a boy her girls would have their family name still in their name once they got married, but would obviously lose the fathers last name.
I say follow your heart. And try not to stress too much on it, stress isn't good, of course : )
Lastly, don't be afraid of what the fathers reaction will be. We don't all get what we want and that's life. For example, you may want him to man up, and love and cherish both you and your baby, and he may never do that. So therefore, we don't all get what we want.
Good luck Momma.
Married: 7.23.11
DD:10.17.12
EDD #2!:1.17.16
Move on and get ready for your baby.
Meh. My family doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet, mom included, bc they're crazy. I don't blame her. SO sounds like a jerk.
DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015
Difficult emotionally than it ever should be. I sincerely hope that he shapes up, but at this point I am emotionally and mentally preparing myself to raising this LO by myself. I wish the situation was different, but it's just not.
And from the sound of him he sounds like D-bag and you are better off with out him.
Stop wishing and hoping for him to change. Pull up your boot straps and get your life together. It's not about you or him anymore it's about the baby you are bringing into the world.
Edit to add- my last name is twatwaffle