I don't even know what to do anymore

monie2323 · August 2015

I have made a post before about my
Mom and how she isn't supportive of my pregnancy. She's not only against me having a baby but is against my relationship. She decided to come over yesturday and talk with me and my boyfriend. I know that it's not okay the way she has been talking to me but she is my mom and I don't know what to do. She doesn't feel like my boyfriend treats me right and wants me to give my baby up for adoption and she doesn't believe that were ready for this kind of commitment. I know some people judge how long you have dated someone and we haven't been together that long but sometimes when you know you know. And from what I've read on here some guys have left their wives and girlfriends when they found out about the pregnancy. My boyfriend has not and wants to stick this out forever. I don't know what to do anymore because I love my mom no matter what and I don't even want to lose her and my amazing family of cousins and aunts, but I also need to worry about my own family too. It just seems like my mom gets in the way of my relationship with my boyfriend and it's really hard to balance both when they can't relate or understand eachother.

willashbaby · August 2015

I'm not sure how old you are but if you want to make a go of it with your BF it's time to "adult" and stand up to your Mom. As long as you are not relying on her for any type of support (living with her, she pays for your car, etc) then she really has nothing over you. I would thank her for her concern and keep it moving. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences of it DOESN'T work out. If you go crawling back to her after it will only prove her right that you weren't ready. Be sure.

nackie · August 2015

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. In my experience, once the baby arrives, the grandparents usually forget how upset they were about the pregnancy and fall in love. Hopefully that will happen with your mom too. In the meantime, you might have to start setting some boundaries about acceptable topics of conversation.

monie2323 · August 2015

That's definitely true thanks so much. I have been kind of distant from everyone and that's not how I want to be, I've always been so close with everyone. Do I just suck it up and come around and still make an effort and just hope for the best when the baby comes? That's one reason my mom is upset because we haven't come around. Im sure some of it is that she just misses me.

willashbaby · August 2015

Just wait it out. She's the one with the issue so she'll have to be the one to come around. This is your chance to show her that you are an adult who deserves respect. If you cave you'll just prove to her that she has control over you.

Kelley421 · August 2015

My first pregnancy- well, mom did not like my SO, but she was excited to be a grandparent. She basically kept her mouth shut. I kind of wish she had not, because she saw the things I could not (at the time.) I was young and stupid.
Now, maybe your mom is just being a royal B, but you should know her well enough to decide if she is stepping in and speaking out because she loves you, or because she is just being unsupportive, narrow minded.
If it's the latter, follow previous advice and nicely tell her she is overstepping boundaries and you want her to be part of her grandchilds life.

ChipMonster · August 2015

I agree with @Kelley421 sometimes we don't want to hear what other people have to say about the person we love because we are blinded by our love. Is there something that she sees that maybe you are ignoring? Even if there is a chance that she's right, I don't think that you should be persuaded to give up your child for adoption if that's not what you want.

Also, only you know how your mother really is. Maybe she is just being overbearing and her concerns are unfounded. In that case, you need to stand your ground and show her that your relationship is serious. Maybe she is just afraid and doesn't know how to deal with it. Either way, good luck!! You are right to say that your first family is with your baby, so take care of that first!

katymae08 · August 2015

If your mom is upset that you aren't coming around maybe it's time you step up and explain that it's because she never has anything nice to say about something that makes you happy and that you believe in. Parents are forgiving.

Paige6410 · August 2015

I am a firm believer in "when you know, you know." DH and I were together for 9 months when I got PG with DS1, and 9 years later still going strong. It doesn't always work that way, but sometimes it does. My family had strong feelings about everything, but I stood my ground because I was an adult, living on my own and supporting myself.
If she is in no way financially supporting you, you should put your foot down and tell her that if she can't be positive about your life choices she needs to back off. Tell her you understand her concern, but if you're in a happy and healthy relationship, she should keep it to herself.

monie2323 · August 2015

That's so awesome im happy for you! We've been dating for 9 months as well. I think I just need to come around more and me and him both need to make an effort. She doesn't know him the way I do any maybe that will help once we start doing things with her again. It's worth a shot for the baby.

QueenCarlissa · August 2015

It's time to put your grown woman panties on you can tell her to not disrespect you in a respectful way you are both adults here. Your mom doesn't know your relationship so you shouldn't let her speak on it my mom didn't too much care for my SO until she talked to him and she says he surprised her with how much he talks about me and the baby after that she roots for him all the way now. But honestly if your mom isn't doing anything but bumping them gums relax just do you. If a person doesn't know how your living they can't tell you how to live.

SummerOH · August 2015

I'd have a heartfelt conversation with her and ask her to be specific in what she means when she says he doesn't treat you well. Maybe you could calmly shoot down some of the ideas she has that are making her think that. You also should listen to her with an open mind, on the flip side. Parents often see things we don't see.

l4rk · August 2015

I would be careful with the "I know this is right", because it empowers her to be unbearable if you aren't. Instead, I would go with, "I have to know how this will play out. I need to give this baby and relationship 100%, because I owe it to myself, my baby and my SO to try. I think this could be a great thing and I'm going to find out if it is." There's no shame in trying or even failing. This is your life and you only get one! So give it your all, but don't put yourself in a situation where failing doesn't seem like an option either. That's how people get stuck in unhealthy situations...

MommaB16 · August 2015

Is this your moms first grandchild? I have seen to-be grandparents outraged at their children's pregnancies and relations the entire pregnancy and then their grandchild enters the world and they blow up Facebook with "their adorable grand baby"

monie2323 · August 2015

That could definitely be it! This will be her first grandchild lol

ChrissyD1203 · August 2015

I think @ChipMonster and @SummerOH said it perfectly. In my own experience the criticisms my mom has of my husband (although I get defensive about them and will not admit to mom), I know deep in my heart are true. My husband isn't perfect, I'm sure you boyfriend isn't either, and moms just want the best for their little girls. Don't let this ruin your relationship with her or your SO. I think you are on the right track- more time together getting to know one another will probably help.

MamaHolland · August 2015

I would say one of the first things to do is not complain or vent about your man to your mom or family. If she's coming over your place saying she doesn't like how you are being treated there's only one place she could be getting details about your relationship and that's from you. If you need to vent or confide in someone get a counselor or a very open minded friend who is able to remain impartial because family is overprotective & because of that they don't easily forget or forgive even the small arguments or disagreements that you disclose to them. First and foremost if you all are having an argument or issue workout it out without your relationship solely between the two of you before you turn to any third party. Find other ways to outlet your qualms & complaints about him because when you talk to family and friends they only hear one side of the story (yours) & it puts him at a disadvantage because after you all makeup the friends and family are still upset with him.

thebeefamily · August 2015

The worst thing you can do is turn your back on family over a relationship. I know all about 'knowing' he's the one and all that jazz, but my mom saw things in my ex-husband that I didn't see until I filed for divorce. Being in love is great however don't get blinded. Always honor and respect your mother because you'll want your child to do the same as well.

monie2323 · August 2015

ThAnks everyone!! Means a lot. She's never going to change though. I literally get a mean message every morning so clearly nothing will be different.

Nfleszar · August 2015

You have to prioritize your baby first and foremost. He is the father of your child and you are building a family together. And that family has to come first.

She will always be your mom and you will always love her. But at this point her opinion has to come in second. And you know what - people fight all over in this country for the right to choose. And you have hte right to choose to keep your baby - and she has absolutely no right to tell you otherwise. Nobody does.

And if it were like "he's in jail, you're on drugs" it may be different. But it sounds like overall you will be bringing the baby into a situation where its loved and wanted.

So tell her that you want her in your life, but if she can't respect your decision that she needs to keep it to herself, or you won't be able to be around her.

You certainly don't want her to say negative things like that around the baby/child.

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