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I'm overreacting, right? (Long, sorry!)

MouseMama817MouseMama817 member
in August 2015 Moms
I have seriously got to stop with the MIL posts. I suppose I should count myself lucky that she seems to be the biggest issue with my pregnancy!

Quick back story: My MIL has become a bit overbearing since entering my 3rd trimester. She works as a preschool/daycare teacher so she feels she has a lot of authority on raising children. Lately she's been making some critical comments here and there that have put me on the defensive about my parenting decisions (before I'm even a parent). She has a lot of tension with my BIL's ex gf that always seemed to be centered around their daughter. I always assumed it was bc my niece's mother is a bitch (which she really is), but now I'm beginning to wonder how much of her behavior is MIL's fault.

Anyways, I've vowed that with this new grand baby I would make my MIL feel welcomed and a big part of her life. Which is part of the reason for my struggle. I brought up some of my concerns w/ DH about feeling like she's going to hover over me and criticize me when I'm trying to parent our daughter. His response was "probably but we'll just smile and nod and then do what we think is best." Hmmm. Nothing about backing me up and essentially saying we'll have to give in in the moment to keep the peace.

Last night my MIL called to ask what we were planning on dressing the baby in for her coming home outfit. We told her a pink onesie (one I specifically chose bc it was a gift from them and I was trying to be thoughtful). She freaked out and said "no no no she has to wear white from the hospital! I'm very superstitious about this. It HAS to be white. I'll get something for her." My husband just said it's a small thing and we should just let her have her way. I relented, but inside it really bothers me that I can't even choose my baby's coming home outfit without seeming petty.

Then this afternoon I mentioned that when she is born, people are of course welcome to take pictures but please please no "photo shoots." (His mom is OBSESSED w/ FB and any time we go anywhere, a good chunk of our time is spent taking pictures of/for her. We can't even enjoy being together). He pretty much told me we can't have control over that bc that's who they are. I'm sorry but shouldn't I get to have a say in whether or not someone takes constant pictures of me and my baby after we've just gone through labor??

I'm starting to lose my temper a little bit here. I'm trying very hard not to be like my BIL's ex by putting my foot down on every little thing but I'm starting to see a pattern in my hubby that I don't like and never expected from him. So far, the only fears I have about my little girl getting here involve how it will affect my relationship with my MIL. I'm trying to express this to DH in the least inflammatory way possible but his responses are making me even more fearful. I feel like I'll look crazy for getting angry about the hospital outfit and the pictures but shouldn't things as small as that be no brainers?

I can't tell if my concerns are legitimate or if this is hormones. Am I overreacting? What would you guys do?

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Re: I'm overreacting, right? (Long, sorry!)

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  • aveline8aveline8 member
    I don't think you're totally overreacting, this would really bother me too, esp if your SO is not taking your concerns seriously. My MIL was so ridiculously excited about my first (her first grandchild) that I feel she really overstepped her bounds in some things, doing things that I resented because I felt they were things a new mum should get to do/experience. In hindsight, I wish I would have spoken up a little more and put my foot down on things I felt strongly about because we are STILL having issues two years later. I do think it's important to choose your battles wisely and to draw boundaries as respectfully as possible but it IS important to make it clear that YOU are the parents. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to limit/try to control pics of your LO being posted to social media. We have a firm zero pics of DD on social media rule. MIL was very upset when we told her but has for the most part respected it. The couple of times she has broken the rule we have kindly asked her to remove the photo. She has always complied but if she didn't DH said he just wouldn't let her take any pics and wouldn't send her any (Yeah he's way more hardline than me on this one but he has good security reasons due to his line of work). Anyway, bottom line, I would say it's important to draw boundaries right away but choose them carefully, I.e. Issues that really matter to you and then let the smaller things go. You can always loosen up a bit later on if you want to once they've really come to respect that you guys are the parents, not them!
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  • sushilove15sushilove15 member
    I don't think you are overreacting at all. I totally understand and empathize with you. My in laws have been one of my main stressors this pregnancy. I have been lectured and criticized by my MIL for my parenting choices as well and im not even a mom yet!

    My husband was trying to pull the same crap saying that while my in laws are staying with us we will just give in to their directions to keep the peace and make them happy. I blew up at him bc I had lost all patience and went completely mama bear on his ass. I don't recommend doing that lol. But i do think you should have a talk with your husband reminding him that you are his number one and he needs to back you up on these issues that are important to you. Maybe he just doesn't know how much stress is causing you.

    As for the going home outfit, dress her in whatever YOU want! You are her mom!
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  • mimigrace12mimigrace12 member
    I agree with PP, put your foot down! I also hate drama, but this is your life and your baby.. She's had her turn! And if it bothers her that much than she's the one who is being the B and is in the wrong, and she can deal! It's too bad that your hubby isn't backing you on this, I would have a serious discussion with him about it.
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  • raelynch87raelynch87 member
    There is lots of good advice on some of the older MIL posts. My advice would be to hold your ground on things that make you feel resentful. My MIL has strong opinions and I have to tell her no all the time. It has become so much easier, for both of us, with practice. I only say no to things that really bother me. It sounds like the coming home outfit bothers you so I would start there.
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  • knottieb8c7dfd990a71e69knottieb8c7dfd990a71e69 member
    People pleasing is so self destructive and while hormones can contribute, in the long run you will begin to resent everyone around you including your husband for not taking "your side" I can relate to what you are saying but I was always considerate of others feelings while making my point. If for example my mil told me about some superstition about wearing white I would pose the question back to her- oh really? Is that what you did with your children? Turning the attention to her decision for her kids. If she cannot understand that.. I mean here's the thing- at the end of the day you have to firmly and calmly put your foot down. There are a lot of milestones you will experience with your kids and you don't want to stew in anger because you are giving up your own control of happiness. This is not being a B! This is setting boundaries. Choose your battles of course but if it were me I'd choose my own outfit going home and I'd reiterate your choice on how to share photos. Especially on Facebook where privacy controls are not fail proof ie friends of friends can see and share, your child's face is in a database of recognition etc. good luck
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  • SassetteSmurflingSassetteSmurfling member
    I am all for standing up to mother in laws. I put my foot down on EVERYTHING with my in laws. No matter how small. I make sure they know that they have zero say in our lives.

    However, I need to know what kind of "photo shoot" you think she is going to do? Everyone who comes to see you is going to want to take pictures of the baby. I think that's to be expected and it really isn't fair to say no pictures. Now if you mean she's going to be dressing and posing the baby with different backgrounds for an hour, then absolutely say no. If it's just a ton of pics of family members holding LO, that's what people do. Still your right to say no if you feel strongly, but even I think that's a little too strict. I would just ask for baby back if you start to think she is taking too many pictures.

    But take your kid home in the outfit you pick. No way I would give MIL control over that.
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  • mlc100805mlc100805 member
    You are not over reacting. This is your child, not hers. She had her chance to raise her kids, now it's your turn. Be confident and firm in your choices as a parent and let her opinions and demands roll off your back. You do need to have a talk with DH and let him know your fears and concerns before baby is born, so you can be on the same page and present a united front to MIL when issues come up.
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  • BabyD316BabyD316 member
    Take your baby girl home in what you want. To me, that's a big deal. I had very similar issues with my MIL and my hubby said the same things as yours, but as soon as my son was born everything changed. My son was only 3 weeks old and my husband lost it on my MIL for butting in and we haven't had trouble since. Men don't become a dad until baby is born. Things could totally change.
    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • lifesabeach85lifesabeach85 member
    Being clear about your wishes and decisions is not the same as being disrespectful or being a b. In fact, if you keep letting little resentments pile up you'll likely explode at your H and MIL over something stupid and come off looking crazy.

    So agree with pp that you should be clearer with your husband about your needs here. It doesn't seem like he is following his own idea about doing what you want anyway.

    Then yea, pick your battles. Maybe give a time limit to pictures? Say calmly and clearly "you can take a few pictures, but no more than five minutes." And make sure H is ready to enforce. Or if the outfit bothers you stick to your guns on that, politely "thank you for offering to buy her another outfit but we are happy with the one we have chosen to bring her home in."


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  • gokahne9gokahne9 member
    If its constant and THAT bad--Just don't call her and let her know that you went to the hospital. Let her find out after you bring the baby home. That should send a loud and clear message about who is in charge.
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  • sarahmu7sarahmu7 member
    I'm a big fan of blaming stuff on the hospital. Tell her that hospital has a time limit for visitors and that'll at least cut down on the time she has to take pictures. I'd be upset with people posting on fb too, that's not their child that's plastered all over the Internet. Who knows how her privacy settings are. You poor husband has been dealing with her his whole life and has probably gotten used to just doing things his own way after she leaves, but I agree with everyone else that if it really bothers you, talk to him. He may change after the baby is actually in his arms.
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  • WSatisfiedPWSatisfiedP member
    I'm delivering in the morning and DH and I had a heart to heart 2 nights ago about my wishes concerning the hospital, how much in law time is appropriate while I'm trying to rest, recover, get to know LO and establish bfeeding. It's important to stand your ground about things that are important to you. If it's important to you, then I don't think you're overreacting.
    Mom to one in heaven. Mom to one here on Earth.

    BFP - 12/1
    First U/S - 12/11 Saw heartbeat
    Second U/S - 12/18 HR 120 BPM 
    Third U/S - 12/23/2014 HR 150 BPM

    Due Date - 8/8/2015 
    Arrival Date - 8/3/2015 - Asher David 8 lbs 5 oz 21 1/2"

     
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  • AshK1027AshK1027 member
    So, the onesie thing...Meh. A real easy way of making sure YOU have a voice is to choose/buy a new white onesie to appease the superstitious. Easy crisis to avert.

    The pictures, however, I'd stick to my guns on that one. Taking pictures of LO, not such a big deal. In fact, you may be grateful in the long run that you have so many to look back on. Posting said pictures to social media. Big deal. If that's really your concern, I'd explain them calmly & rationally. Then if she doesn't understand, assess how to proceed. One of my friends had to tell her sister that if she put any picture of her LO on Facebook, she wouldn't be allowed around anymore. Extreme? Yeah! Her sister got the message of how serious Mama Bear was though.
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  • puccagirl77puccagirl77 member
    This woman is micromanaging your life. The more you say it is "easier" to let her dictate this one small thin, she will continue to dictate everything. You have to decide if that is how you want to live or not. I would choose not.
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  • LaurmiLaurmi member
    No, no, no. Just no. You, not your husband's mother, get to decide what your daughter comes home in. And the photos? You have every right to not want to have to pose and grin for the camera after giving birth. She sounds like a real gem. The bigger problem, it seems, is that your husband isn't willing to set boundaries with her. You so don't need to be concerned with any of this crap right now.
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  • MouseMama817MouseMama817 member
    Thanks so much guys, great advice.

    @SassetteSmurfling The photo shoot I'm anticipating isn't as extreme as wardrobe changes (thank the Lord) but it's basically constant asking us to pose or take pictures of her posing, then assessing the pictures, not liking them, and needing to retake. It goes on and on until we tell her it's enough. I don't mind her taking a few photos of the baby and I don't really even have too much of an issue w/ her posting to FB. But I don't want to A. Have to endure my own photo being taken when I know I'll look terrible and hate cameras anyway and B. watch while my newborn is passed around like a photo prop.

    @JNOVA2015 My husband really isn't much of an abstract thinker/planner, which I think is part of the issue (because I *super* am). I tried to explain to him that I just want him to know my wishes so we could present a united front if/when the moment arises. I do agree though that I may be getting too worked up over the "what ifs". I should save my anxiety for when she actually starts this shit. As for the outfit, it isn't that I'm set on what I want her to come home in; not really. What bothers me the most is the way she just stepped in and took control like that. No hesitation or timidness. It was like she thinks she has an actual say here; like this isn't MY child but HER granddaughter. Does that makes sense? It just further validated my anxieties about her being overbearing.

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  • kettlekittenkettlekitten member
    I don't think you're overreacting. If it was me I would buy a white outfit for the baby that I liked and tell her not to worry, you've got it covered. That way you're making her feel she has been heard but you are ultimately making that decision.

    Totally understand about the photos. My mum can be like that. I try to be patient because she does end up making beautiful photo albums for us each year, but the endless rounds of photos because 'not everyone was looking' or whatever can be so tiresome. She understands not to put photos on FB and doesn't use it much anyway so that aspect is all good.

    I would just put a boundary on it up front, like a time limit or 'five photos only', because you're tired or need to feed the baby or whatever. Be firm but polite and no one can accuse you of being a bitch!
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  • LEGALLYblonde86LEGALLYblonde86 member
    Nope, you arent overreacting. She needs to back down quick. I have a MIL that can put most to shame and after trying to constantly be the peacekeeper and nice guy, I have finally jad to just say enough is enough, your kids are grown (and honestly my husband is the only one out of 4 that has a decent life, 2 are drug addicts and the baby is 20 has never worked a day in his life and still cant even do laundry, no lie I think he just learned how to make mac n cheese this past year), this is our child and we are damn good parents to the one we already have.

    Baby #2 is due

    August 26, 2015


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  • Robin910Robin910 member
    kettlekitten said:

    I don't think you're overreacting. If it was me I would buy a white outfit for the baby that I liked and tell her not to worry, you've got it covered. That way you're making her feel she has been heard but you are ultimately making that decision.

    This^^ I'm an advocate for picking your battles. I don't think you're overreacting at all. However, if the outfit isn't a big deal to you, picking your own white outfit is the perfect way to take back control without battling about something you aren't super passionate about.
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  • SashaDenn25SashaDenn25 member
    Have to put your foot down and have to sit down with DH and get on the same page together. Picking her outfit is just something you want to do and as a parent should get to. My MIL actually called today asking about taking DSD over an outfit for first day of first grade over to us and DH didnt even have to ask me, told her no we buy a new outfit each year and its our thing. He knows I just like to do this, he doesnt care what she wears her first day, but its a big deal to me. Anyways, I put my foot down anytime I can sit back and say I wouldnt let my own mom do this either, BUT DH deals with his mom for me and I deal with mine for him anytime one of us needs an issue resolved.
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  • Bickey11Bickey11 member
    Try telling her, her demands are stressing you and the baby out and that if she can't respect that she'll be on the no visitors list. If hubby wont' do it, you can. She doesn't get a say. Who cares about her feelings? This is your time, your baby, not hers. Don't wait for your husband to step in. For the outfit, I'd have said, "its my choice as her mother, not yours". very simple. As for the pictures, state, "any pictures posted without my consent are frankly illegal, so can you please allow me to be the judge of what's posted". Ask nicely, state it sweetly, don't lose your temper. If she flares back simply state, "I don't know why you're getting so upset, I've asked you nicely and this is my child, please respect me."
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  • MouseMama817MouseMama817 member
    Robin910 said:

    kettlekitten said:



    This^^ I'm an advocate for picking your battles. I don't think you're overreacting at all. However, if the outfit isn't a big deal to you, picking your own white outfit is the perfect way to take back control without battling about something you aren't super passionate about.

    I think that's a good idea. It still sends the message without disregarding her feelings. I win either way. Off to the nursery to find a white onesie....
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