Grandparents house cleanliness problem

pinkj4182 · August 2015

Im having a hard time with my mom and dads house. My parents have 4 cats and 3 dogs. Pets themselves not the issue here, it's the house. My parents both work night shift and the daily chores are neglected. Cat/ dog hair on everything, cat sand all over carpets and furniture, boxes are not kept up with daily or even weekly, pet pee spots on carpet in several rooms. The list goes on. I feel bad but i am not comfortable with having my kid over there. Crawling around with drooly hands picking up cat sand and putting hands in mouth, and hair.... Yuck! My mom is embarrassed about her house as it is, will tell people to wait outside, not let anyone in, and I haven't mentioned my reservations about having her grandkid over.

Anyone else in this boat? Any ideas on a nice way to break the news? I'm afraid there really is no way to put it nicely. "Hey Ma, your house is a mess, I can't have my kid over here...sorry!" Any advice or ideas would be appreciated!

kjacks6347 · August 2015

I am in the same boat! I don't have any advice to give as I am currently trying to figure this out as well. I am interested in hearing what others have to say on the topic.

1stComesLove421 · August 2015

My parents house is the same way. We let our daughter crawl around. We just wash her hands every so often and keep her distracted from sticking fingers in mouth. We live 4 hours away so it's not often that we visit. When we do visit it's for weekends and it's never any fun staying at their house, so we try to go out as much as possible.

mandy903 · August 2015

My mils house is the same way. She lives 6 hours away and we get a hotel when we visit. My husband talked to get about it. She asked why we didn't want to stay there and he told her the truth. .. It would have been an awkward question for me to answer. .. I would just invite them over and if they outright ask why you don't visit there I would be honest and just say it as gently as possible.

pinkj4182 · August 2015

Problem is my parents are 5 minutes away. My mom will want the baby over a lot. If she was hours away I would have an easier time. My husband just wants to come out and say ( in his words ) "your house is dirty and gross so my kid will not be coming over." This has to kill grandparents to hear. I want to be nice and give them the new gently, just not sure if it will ever come out that way. :-S

midge519 · August 2015

I am having this same issue with my parents house. I didn't realize how big of an issue it was until after I had moved out and then moved back into the area. I plan on avoiding their house when he is big enough to crawl around and if we're there when he is still too little for that we will probably hold him or bring the pack and play. I prefer they come over here because it'll be a non issue then. My hard thing is we live about 15 minutes from them and know they will want us to visit a lot. I plan on using the "we have five kids to pack up to come over. It would be much easier if you would just come here" to our advantage

chris&haley · August 2015

Similar situation with my MIL! She has cats and there's always a ton of hair and the box is almost always full. Plus she's kind of cluttered so I'm not sure where we're supposed to put our girls when we visit. My husband totally understands but it's always uncomfortable. Would stay in a hotel but they live in a very small town in VT where there are no good choices nearby. Luckily we live in CA so this won't be a frequent problem! Good luck with your situation!

pinkj4182 · August 2015

@midge519 this is my first so I don't have the multiple kids excuse sadly!

( I think hurt feelings will be involved no matter what.

leighann1 · August 2015

If she's already embarrassed about it, don't you think she'll understand? My mom's house is the same way. She knows she'll be coming to our house to see the baby and do any babysitting if offered. I mentioned the possibility of bringing her over on random days when I might work late since she's kind of on the way to work, but I said "I'm not sure if your house will be baby-ready or not. If it is, great, if not, we'll stick with our house."

Chances are she is well aware. If you're anything like me, this won't be the first time the topic of cleanliness has come up. I grew up with a scatter-brained borderline hoarder for a mother, so I get it. She and I have had many, many talks about it.

MandahGirly · August 2015

pinkj4182 said:
Problem is my parents are 5 minutes away. My mom will want the baby over a lot. If she was hours away I would have an easier time. My husband just wants to come out and say ( in his words ) "your house is dirty and gross so my kid will not be coming over." This has to kill grandparents to hear. I want to be nice and give them the new gently, just not sure if it will ever come out that way. :-S

If they live so close could you have them come over your place instead? That's all I got for right now. There might not be a delicate way of saying your house is dirty. Is there a way to have the baby there without her going all over the place? Could your mom or dad clean like one room maybe? Then again I have a friend whose baby hung out at the gym he owned and he was absolutely fine! Crawling around and everything.

casserole27 · August 2015

My parents house gets like this too. My husband is really concerned about it.
We live in my parents basement apartment, so we will most likely be around them quite often until we move. They do clean fairly regularly but the clutter comes back (dirty dishes, clothes, papers, food... its just stuff no one puts away). Like yours my mom gets embarrassed about it when people come over but not enough to do something about it.

I actually have already confronted my family. Before talking to my mom I spoke to my sister about it, and made sure she would be in the room to help back me up when we talked to her. We made sure to work the subject gently into a conversation and nicely told her I was concerned about the baby being around the mess. She was pretty upset, no one likes being told by their kids that they have a problem. Afterwards I also talked to my dad and the other family members and they agreed it has gotten bad. I am told the house will be clean when the baby is here. They have made a few attempts at cleaning up but it's taking them some time to change their habits. Regardless of what they do now they know where I stand so I'm not going to argue any further. Hopefully it won't be an issue once LO is here, but if it is I'm prepared to deal with it.

If you're not comfortable taking your baby to anyone's home, and it's not easily avoided then I think you're going to have to talk to them about it. Otherwise nothing is going to change.

Edit: I just want to say I love the PP's suggestions of having them come to you instead, I think that's a great idea. Unfortunately it doesn't work for us since we sort of share a home, we have to deal with things head on.

VallieS86 · August 2015

I have the same issue. My parents house is a mess, my dad is lazy and retired and my mom still works 40 hours a week and is so tired from work and dealing with the mess that the mess doesn't get dealt with. We don't go over there at all, well my husband doesn't. I'll go over there to pick her up to go shopping but I don't spend more than five minutes there. My mom is embarrassed about the mess, but she doesn't fix it because she had no help to do it. She is well aware if she's going to babysit she has to do it over at our house and she seems fine with it. Deep down your mom probably already realizes that her house is not fit to have a baby hanging out in. Hopefully she won't take the news poorly but it should be addressed sooner rather than later. It'll give her time to get over it. Good luck!

naka92 · August 2015

My in laws have the some problems in their house. My MIL even admitted to me a few weeks ago that theres some rooms shes not vacuumed in 20(!!) years. Yeah, no, my baby wont be crawling around in that. She can either get her act together, or we wont be coming over there. Harsh, but come on, 20 years?!

millereliz13 · August 2015

You said your Mom is embarrassed by it, then I recommend being gentle. If you choose to say something say, "Mom, you and Dad work so hard and I'm so greatful for everything you do for us. I love you so much. I'm concerned about the house being a bit untidy. I understand how hard you and Dad work."
Just be gentle. Maybe offer to split the cost to have someone come in and clean the house? I know you are in a tough spot, but your folks are lucky to have you be so concerned about not hurting their feelings.

midge519 · August 2015

pinkj4182 said:
@midge519 this is my first so I don't have the multiple kids excuse sadly! ( I think hurt feelings will be involved no matter what.

Sadly there may be. Any gentle way to bring it up would probably help. Maybe go over one day to have a meal with her and slide in a comment about helping carpet clean or something before the baby starts crawling. That way if it's something you can help her do she may feel better about it.

MamaOwl15 · August 2015

At some point, you're going to have to tell her. I'd say something like, "Mom, I know the cleanliness of your house is a bit of a struggle for you and you're embarrassed about it. But I don't feel comfortable about bringing the baby over with it the way it is. You're welcome to visit over here anytime."

My parents' house, though not dirty like you described, is pretty cluttered and dusty. They had a room in the basement of their old place that was so full of junk you could hardly walk . . . Then that became my room for a while and the junk took over the family room until they renovated it to get ready to sell. They're kind of pack rats, plus my dad has several medical issues that make housework hard for him and my mom was, at the time working 60 hours a week at her job. She's embarrassed about the clutter, but trying to do anything about it (or get rid of stuff) is overwhelming. Sometimes there's no way to avoid hurt feelings; you just try to be as gentle as possible.

jcra7212 · August 2015

I don't have this problem so I'm not sure any advice I would give would help. But you said she's embarrassed so could you say something like "mom I know the house is a lot of work can I come over and help you clean it so that I would feel comfortable with the baby being there?" I know the cats and dogs are an issue still but maybe once it is cleaned she would be a lot stricter on the pets to keep it up? Good luck!

mandala1107 · August 2015

My grandmother's house is this way. Dirty, rarely vacuumed, and cluttered. They are very clean people, just pack rats who have dirty jobs. I started the conversation when DD was born (she is 5 now). I started talking with her about me baby proofing my house and worried about all the dust and clutter. She watched my daughter frequently, so since she was doing me a favor, I asked her if she needed help getting the house ready for a crawling baby. So baby proofing items and asking about if she would need help pickin up/vacuuming. Of course she said no, but it did bring up the subject with no outwardly hurt feelings and her house is tidy enough now. Not perfect or up to my home standards, but good enough for an old farmhouse that was built in 1852 and has been in my family for a few generations. It's still worse for wear in spots and certainly there are rooms that are off limits. But I know to send "play clothes" at all times. Socks do not come back white and clothes are stained, but a little dirt never hurt anyone. It's not so bad that I am ever concerned for my child's well being or health, just her dirty hands.

Good luck! It can be a tough conversation, but if your mom is helping you out, offering to help her might be an easy way out.

plumpous · August 2015

Oh wow tough situation. I think your folks should hire a weekly cleaning service. My parents have a big house so a lady comes in twice a week for 4 hours each time. I think it's not as expensive as it may seem and if they're so busy maybe they should do this for everyone's sake. As it seems like your mom isn't happy with the state of the house.

pinkj4182 · August 2015

Thanks for all of your advice and input, I really appreciate it! My mom is capable of cleaning and works 3 shifts, so cleaning is possible she just has given up. I have tried to help her clean but within a week it's back to the way it was. She is a bit of clutter freak so there has to be something on every wall. So dust and clutter is another problem. ( example: cabinet, table, decoration ) offering to help with cleaning services is possible but I don't think hubby will go for it lol. Ughhhhhh such a difficult convo anyway I go about it. Glad to know I'm not alone. If any of you ladies in the same situation have your talks, let me know how it goes!!

dparker721 · August 2015

Would it be possible to bring up a "how to prepare house for baby" convo? I don't have this issue with my mom (i do with MIL) but it still came up with my mom about baby proofing, etc. That might be an easy lead into to the conversation.

With my MIL, she keeps her home clean but she smokes inside, a lot! She has a small home without the best air circulation and when you walk in there is a haze of cigarette smoke as soon as you enter. DH and I can't take it and don't go inside any more. He had to just tell her up front that it's something we can't deal with so we won't be taking our daughter in her house.

mccalisterbre · August 2015

That's the same with my inlaws.....it's always such a disaster in there house, and my MIL is a sahm so she should be doing the house work but she wont....all she does is sit around and watch TV all day......my husband has cleaned the house more in the last 3 months than she has in the 6 years I have known them......my FIL is a firefighter that also teaches for the military on his off days....he will leave for his shift and come home 3 days later to the same dishes in the sink (plus more) hair everywhere.....it's disgusting and we have mentioned it multiple times yet my MIL claims she cleans all the time

shineysasha · August 2015

I am so glad I found this post, I thought I was alone with this sort of issue! I have always been embarassed for my parents house, its disgusting... They dont even seem to care... Their house is chaotic to say the least. Not sure what I will do. While bub is little will be easy but I dont want him crawling around there either, hoping things will change wont help either! I guess we will just take it as it comes, but I wont be leaving bub there alone thats for sure....

kmwl · August 2015

Maybe offer to help her clean the first time? Often when a house gets really dirty, it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. But if someone helps you get through all the mess, it's easier to keep up after.

shantyrae · August 2015

This is a tough situation for sure, and I'm in the same boat only my parents smoke cigarettes like crazy so in addition to the smoke smell... they can't even smell the pet smells! Luckily (double-edged sword) my mom is not really interested in watching the baby without us around (she has severe anxiety and does not drive) so I plan to limit our visits to when we can hang outside on their beautiful property. I know I just wouldn't be able to handle bringing baby home and him smelling like smoke, which I notice on my nephew when he's been over there!

shantyrae · August 2015

kmwl said:
Maybe offer to help her clean the first time? Often when a house gets really dirty, it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. But if someone helps you get through all the mess, it's easier to keep up after.

I agree - good advice!

jem89 · August 2015

I like someone's previoud wording of "not baby ready". I think you could say that you don't feel her house is baby ready and you hope she will visit at yours. If she is embarrassed already, she will get the hint. I did this with my parents and they have cleaned A LOT since. It's been 2.5 yrs since our first baby and the house is just messy now - not gross. They joke and call me OCD or a neat freak, which I totally am not but I let it be a running joke so that the conversation can happen without the heat on them.

plumpous · August 2015

I wasn't insinuating she's incapable of cleaning, but if she gets a bit overwhelmed because it's a lot to take care of, why not hire help? It'll take a load off of everybody. My mom is retired and has all the time in the world to clean, but chose to get help because it's a big house. Not a big deal, lots of people do that.

brittanispears · August 2015

My MIL's house sounds like your parents'. She has a maltese that pees and poops in the house. And it smells like pee in general. I'm just going to tell her my baby can't spend the night there until it's in better shape. If she wants to wallow in filth, that's her prerogative. But my baby won't be wallowing with her.

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