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Bad behavior by friends w/o kids

Ttc34Ttc34 member
edited August 2015 in 3rd Trimester
I'm 40 wks and 4 days today and for the past few weeks almost all of our friends and family have been checking in with us to see how we are and if we need anything. Except for one couple which up until I got pregnant I considered to be one or our very best friends. We've known each other for 10+ years and they were in our wedding. They don't have kids but were very supportive of us having baby. Then I got pregnant. When we told them the first thing they said to us was please don't ditch us Bc you're having a kid. Which is exactly what they've done to us since. Now we never hear from them, and when We do it's because they need a favor. It's been months since Either of them called or texted to see how I'm doing. And even though we have always communicated by text or phone yesterday I got a Facebook message (which we've never communicated by) asking if the baby had come. I'm really very upset by the fact that in a.l the months they've known I'm pregnant they really couldn't care less. I've tried to maintain communication (the wife was invited to my shower) but at this point I feel really hurt by them. I never wanted to be one of those people who stopped being friends with people who don't have kids as soon as she got pregnant (and we have friends Who don't have kids who have been great to us) but I am having a hard time thinking that this friendship will survive. what do I do? Do I tell them how hurtful their behavior has been? Or do I just not answer the fb message and give them the message that way? I know it was a great friendship before but things will never be the way they were and with a new baby Working on a friendship is really not a priority for me or my husband.
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Re: Bad behavior by friends w/o kids

  • kayway85kayway85 member
    I'm really sorry. It definitely happens, people drift apart when something monumental like a child comes into their lives. Even still, It would have been thoughtful of them to check in on you much sooner. I would be honest with them; it's not too late to save your friendship, and you'll want to have that conversation before your babe gets here and life is a little chaotic for a while. Maybe end your message on a positive note, like you hope they will come meet your baby soon and can still be a part of your loves, even though your life will be much different, your friendship doesn't have to be. Good luck. I hope your baby comes soon!
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  • cMichelle0423cMichelle0423 member
    Unfortunately losing friends kinda comes with having kids. I'm sure it happens to everyone at some point. I wouldn't be confrontational about it. Things happen, people drift apart. I would just send back a friendly response back and leave it at that. I think confronting them would only create a bigger wedge between yall and make things weird. If anything baby you can invite them to go out to dinner with you and your husband before you have the baby or maybe just go out for coffee. Good luck! I'm sorry this is upsetting you, but honestly it happens to the best of us!
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  • TacoSarahTacoSarah member
    @Lalala2326 has given you excellent advice.
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  • Ttc34Ttc34 member
    edited August 2015
    Thanks everyone! I get that me being pregnant isn't the center of Anyone else's life but mine. To answer the question about whether they have infertility issues - I don't think that's it. They decided a long time ago not to have kids.
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  • dogsombrerodogsombrero member
    Ttc34 said:

    Thanks everyone! I get that me being pregnant isn't the center of Anyone else's life but mine. To answer the question about whether they have infertility issues - I don't think that's it. They decided a long time ago not to have kids.

    We told people we were waiting for the right time as I struggled with miscarriages. People don't always want to disclose fertility issues. If you'd like to remain friends is recommend following @Lalala32 advice and answering in a friendly way. You can choose to give good friends the benefit of doubt or you can burn that bridge. They opened the line of communication it is up to you whether you'd like to keep it open or not.
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  • cseley321cseley321 member
    Dogsombrero hit the nail on the head... I went through multiple miscarriages before finally making it out of the first trimester and we rarely told people, even close friends, that we were struggling with infertility issues.  Also we both tended to avoid functions that involved other people's children (kid birthdays, etc.) and would just send gifts instead... I'm not saying that this is the case with your friends, but I wouldn't rule it totally out either.

    Good luck to you guys and I hope that your friendship rekindles!
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  • Ttc34Ttc34 member
    Since you don't know me at all I really don't know how you could possibly say that "all I talk about is pregnancy and kids at this stage." I asked a question about how to handle a friendship - I didn't ask to be attacked. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I made a snap judgment about you based on your two replies.
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  • dogsombrerodogsombrero member
    Ttc34 said:

    Since you don't know me at all I really don't know how you could possibly say that "all I talk about is pregnancy and kids at this stage." I asked a question about how to handle a friendship - I didn't ask to be attacked. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I made a snap judgment about you based on your two replies.

    So you are only seeking replies that 10000% say "You are the totes greatest friend evahh and those bishes don't deserve you". You weren't attacked you were given great advice to be empathetic (or lose the friendship of your accord). Based on your recent response it doesn't sound like you want friends it sounds like you want to have all the attention and get coddled which can be draining on friends. I have a few high maintenance friends but I see them less because they drain me instead of energize me, it's not wrong to be high maintenance but it's helpful if the person can self recognize.
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  • taysuntaysun member
    Another thing people rarely consider is that pregnancy is not really exciting for those who aren't pregnant. My friends are obviously happy for me but I make a point to limit baby conversion because while I love to talk baby all day, they probably don't find it as interesting.
    Maybe you aren't doing this, but your friends could be worried it's all you want to talk about or are worried you'll no longer be interested in the types of things you did together before you were pregnant.
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  • cMichelle0423cMichelle0423 member
    taysun said:

    Another thing people rarely consider is that pregnancy is not really exciting for those who aren't pregnant. My friends are obviously happy for me but I make a point to limit baby conversion because while I love to talk baby all day, they probably don't find it as interesting.
    Maybe you aren't doing this, but your friends could be worried it's all you want to talk about or are worried you'll no longer be interested in the types of things you did together before you were pregnant.

    Definitely this. Not to mention you seem really concerned that they're not checking up with you seeing how you're doing, but have you even bothered to call/text them and see how they're doing? Any type of relationship whether it be friends or family is a two way street. You can't expect people to always come to you first. Maybe you've been a little selfish in wanted everyone to check up on you while you haven't done your part to see what's going on with them.
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  • YTuMamaTambienYTuMamaTambien member
    While I think communication has to be both ways and I understand that not everyone wants it to be all baby all the time it sounds like you have been friends for long enough that you should be able to talk to each other about this stuff. Whatever the reason for their separation I would think they should have no problem talking it over. Start slow by responding to the Facebook message in a friendly way and point out that you miss them, from there try setting up some time to get together. Once the lines are open ask if the distance was caused by something you did, it is easier to do that than to blame them outright. I have been in a similar situation, as someone that always tries reaching out I know sometimes you just have to accept that for whatever unknown reason the person is choosing to opt out of the friendship.
    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • KittyCat84KittyCat84 member
    Lalala2326 said:
    Honestly, I would probably not do any of those. I would probably just answer their facebook message and say that the baby hasn't come yet, but you are ready, etc... etc... and then ask how they've been. In other words, just answer as a friend would that hasn't talked to them in a while. You have no idea what they are going through or why they have become distant, and your relationship may or may not last, but at this point I would just see how it plays out. Is it possible they have been struggling with infertility or something and seeing you pregnant is hard on them? Maybe going to your baby shower would have been hard for some reason. Have you tried to do anything with them that didn't directly involve the baby? Like invite them over for dinner or a game night? A lot of the time relationships don't survive when one couple has kids because the couple having kids becomes so focused on the pregnancy and their children, that they forget how to just be friends with other adults. Honestly, I'd just answer nicely and see about getting dinner together sometime and focus on what's going on in their lives (since that is just as important to them as your pregnancy is right now to you) and see how it goes.
    Amen to this. It's a harsh reality, but marriages and kids do change friendships. You'll see in time if the friendship survives. Family is forever, friends come and go. 
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  • kabnpaujkabnpauj member
    I'd just reply back kindly that baby is not here yet, but you miss them and would like to have lunch or dinner. Be polite about it. I'd let it go if it was me and continue to be friends.
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  • cg0112358cg0112358 member
    KateLouise said:

    Honestly the way your post reads, it sounds like you've not done a lot to maintain contact yourself. Your one example of trying to maintain contact is to invite the wife to your shower, and you complain that they haven't checked in to see how you're going. Have you checked in to see how they're going?


    Obviously it might just be what you wrote isn't reflecting the way you've been a good friend to them.

    Either way I agree with pp friendships drift apart sometimes and that's just life. 

    This ^
    How much effort have you put in maintaining the relationship?
    DS1: 8/3/10, DD1: 8/17/13, DD2: 8/13/15
    Twins lost to due to partial molar pregnancy: September 2011 
    ~~PAL, PgAL Always Welcome~~
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  • lalenalalena member
    edited August 2015
    DH and I had a lot of mutual friends in college. Some got married but so far we are the only ones to have kids in our early/mid 30s. However, out of the big group, there's only one that stuck around and is still a great friend. The rest... We just drifted apart. They'd invite us to go out, and either we couldn't find a babysitter or she was sick, etc. We'd invite them over and they didn't want to come out to visit us. They'd have a holiday party on Christmas or Halloween and invite DD as well, but wouldn't start the party until 8pm, which was DD's bedtime.

    Things just change and so do situations and people.
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