March 2015 Moms
mamaskittles09
member
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Fighting in front of baby?
mamaskittles09
member
I know this isn't a relationship forum but it definitely involves my family! My fiancé has always had a temper. He's not abusive in any way, but he has no problem getting angry and blowing up at me in front of the baby. I know she's little and can't understand what's being said but it absolutely kills me because that negative energy is still bad for her and she will grow up and understand soon enough! I grew up with parents who argued but never in front of me. He grew up in a home where his parents had no problem screaming it out in front of anyone and every one. That's not me in any way and I refuse to raise my child in that kind of environment. When he starts getting angry I just try to calm him down but it doesn't work! Before we had kids we both agreed we wouldn't be that way. I don't know how to get through to him.
Re: Fighting in front of baby?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it can't be easy with everything else the body and mind goes through after a baby.
Take care of yourself and that little mamma.
A few things to consider. 1. Physically laying hands on someone is not the only way to abuse someone. Screaming, name calling, manupulating, controlling - emotional and verbal abuse. 2. How parents respond to emotional and environmental cues shapes your childrens responses. Our sense of reality is formed for the most part by about age 7. Your children will accept as normal (even if they dislike it and/or dislike themselves for doing the same) that when one is angry he/she yells and has emotionally extreme behavior and tantrums. It will be normal to them and they will accept it from others. So - if you do not want your child to treat others that way and if you do not want your daughter to allow men to speak to her that way, something has to give.
You can validate your fiance that, to him, this is normal (this behavior was modeled by his parents as you said) and that at the same time it is something that deeply bothers you and that you find harmful to your relationship and you don't want to become normal in your daughter's eyes. Ask him if he is willing to find different ways of expressing himself and let him know what would be more effective for you. If his goal is to resolve an issue, screaming isn't very effective because it's likely to escalate the situation. If he wants you to see his point of view, it isn't very effective to push you further away by upsetting and disrespecting you. Give him an opportunity to see from your perspective and work together to make a change and make a new "normal" in your family. ♡
Also, if you two aren't able to resolve this on your own, don't hesitate to get outside help from a marriage counselor... these issues are personal and therefore it is easy to feel defensive and guarded, which is counterproductive.
Best wishes!!!
Mine hit me, a lot. So I left. Found out I was pregnant. He said he would stop. He didn't. He promised he never would in front of my older daughter. He did. I finally left and pressed charges.
Not saying yours will get physical. Trust me though, bad habits are hard to break. Get help. Don't risk your child's sense of security in their own home.
I wish you the best of luck!
We have anger cues to look for. I know what is going to make me mad. He knows what triggers him. We say "Let's have a meeting" which is stupid but our code. We walk away and write what we are thinking. I would forget what the fight was about so the writing helps us bring up concerns later. We have a set time to talk after the kids are in bed. We each curl up in blankets and have something to drink (not alcohol, but something we don't have to share with the kids). We know it's planned so our emotions are a little more calm.
Also see if it's always the same thing you fight about. We fight about money, so there is no real talking about money except in our meetings. This was after some counseling and it has worked a little bit for us. We still struggle but it is better.