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October 2015 Moms
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Family who smoke constantly - advice needed

kindlycrystalkindlycrystal member
in October 2015 Moms
So, the thread on holiday traditions got me to thinking about this and I could use some advice. DH has a small family that always gathers at his grandparents' house for holidays. The problem is that they are chain smokers and are not very considerate about how it affects everyone else. Even when we visit and it causes DH severe pain (due to a medical condition, cigarette smoke is a huge trigger), it's like they never make the connection, then complain when we don't visit or come to family gatherings. It upsets DH because he is very close with his family and wants to spend time with them. They most certainly will come to the hospital to see DS when he is born and want to hold him. They will also want us to visit for the holidays. I'm worried about how the second and third hand smoke could affect DS. Childhood asthma is VERY common in my family, I also suffer from severe respiratory allergies and had a lot of issues with respiratory and sinus infections when I was very young. 

We will definitely be discussing this with our pediatrician, I'm just not sure how to broach the topic with DH's grandparents. Multiple family members (two of which are medical professionals) have tried to talk to them about quitting and they refuse to despite all the health problems it has caused them. That's fine, it's their health, their house and their decision. We do love them and want them to be a part of their first great-grandchild's life, but I also want to protect my baby. Just not sure of the best way to voice our concerns without upsetting them or causing tension in the family. 


Note: Please do not take this as any kind of attack on smokers. I have friends who smoke and are actually very considerate. Everyone is free to make their own choice. I'm just worried about my husband and my baby. :) 
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Re: Family who smoke constantly - advice needed

  • cmjn94cmjn94 member
    Does your husband get sick only at their house or when he is around them period? If it were manageable as long as you didn't go to their house, you could tell them that for the baby's (and husband's!) health, you can't spend time at their home but they can come to your house? I hope that makes sense.

    Personally, I would be concerned with them even holding my baby because of the secondhand smoke, but I would bring that up with your pediatrician.
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  • mandala1107mandala1107 member
    My family was the EXACT same way when my DD was born. I made it very clear that I would prefer for them to not smoke around my daughter and that unfortunately, it might impact how much we visit. Needles to say, they didn't smoke around her once they realized I was serious. And it wasn't like I was mean about it, it would just come up in conversation and I would voice my concerns and say that they might have to come to our house. When my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, she quit smoking so it naturally fixed the issue. Now, third hand smoke was and still continues to be a problem due to a great uncle who lives in the home and my mother who smokes. Honestly, I don't like it and I know it's not good, but my daughter is still around them and this baby will be too. They are very considerate and only smoke in certain rooms now since so many people can't be around smoke, but it migrates through the ventilation and on their clothes. It is not ideal. My mom is becoming increasingly aware of it and is trying to cut back. Should I be more strict? Probably. But the only solution is to have no contact. I don't have a good solution for you, but know that you're not alone in your dilemma.
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  • SarahAnne1101SarahAnne1101 member
    @kindlycrystal - this was a huge problem for me with my ex in laws when DD was born. I am extremely sensitive to smoke and my family has the history of childhood asthma. I talked to the pediatrician at out prenatal appointment and got the information on how second and third hand smoke affects baby. I took all the printed information that he gave us and used that as a stepping off point. I also told them I would be more than happy to make an appointment with the pediatrician for them to come along. I approached it as me being concerned and trying to make a safe decision for the baby. And by bringing them the information and asking them to come with me to discuss it with the dr, I wanted them to be involved in that decision for baby. Made them feel like i wasn't attacking them, and let them know how much I wanted them to be involved in the baby's life. Worked out very well for us. 
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  • Rachel623Rachel623 member
    I talked to my in laws about this at the same time as I talked to them about the whooping cough vaccine. I explained second and third hand smoke. My rule was no smoking anywhere near baby. If they did smoke and hadn't showered in the meantime, hair had to be back, hands had to be washed and baby couldn't touch their clothes. We put a receiving blanket in between or they put on a smoke free jacket.

    Overboard? Totally. But I don't see why on earth someone's decision to smoke and do harm to themself should in anyway affect my child. They were surprisingly on board once I told them about the link between third hand smoke and SIDS. I eased up on the clothing stuff after she was older, but my in laws seemed to stick to those and we're really good about not exposing my LO.
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  • rue:Drue:D member
    edited July 2015
    My mom smoked before she was pregnant with me and still does to this day. I don't want my babies around anyone actively smoking, and she smokes soooo much in her house, so we most likely will not be bringing the babies to her house. She will either have to come to our house or we'll go somewhere where there isn't smoking. When the kids are older and have more developed immune systems we may relax on that. Honestly the smoking is one of the reasons I don't visit that much, it's gross and knowing that she wouldn't quit for me or my brother - I'm positive she won't quit for her grandchildren either.


    For your situation though - maybe you could have a low key holiday at home and have them come visit? As long as they won't be smoking in your house. I know smoke will still be on their clothes and skin but at least it isn't active smoke...
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  • kindlycrystalkindlycrystal member
    @cmjn94 Usually just when he visits their house. We are hoping that with the new (bigger) house and newborn, that they will be ok with having the holidays at our place this year.

    And thanks for your stories. Sorry that others have to go through this, but it's helped. :) I like the idea of getting the information from our pediatrician to present to them. They are very defensive about it, so that might help mitigate it a bit.
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  • jenspeakejenspeake member
    Went through this with my parents. They eventually kept their smoking to one room in the house...the porch....and now have quit altogether. Even we, my sisters and I, were sick of leaving there and smelling like smoke. I would just have a conversation with them and say no visits if smoking is going on in the house.
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  • leah665leah665 member
    I can't handle smoking in the house. My mom has started smoking again, but she goes outside. I would not bring my baby to a house that people smoked in. They'd have to come to my house.
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  • alexisg777alexisg777 member
    We've made it clear that if you're a smoker, that you're not allowed around our baby for at least the first few months because of flu season and the risk of rsv.
    Sometimes isolation isn't fun but is necessary and if smokers are offended, then they can blame themselves.
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  • abkenyonabkenyon member
    Just a thought but if they one to the hospital to visit smelling of smoke let the nurses have at them and tell them they need to change or gown up and wash all exposed skin. I have been told so many times that our hospital has a code and to just call the nurse and tell her I need to use the restroom and she will clear the room at which point you can tell her what is going on (smokers, someone on your nerves, tires, just over visitors) and she will kick everyone out except those you saw are ok to stay.

    As far as after you leave the hospital we don't have anyone that smokes in our house of course but we won't be going to anyone's home that smokes inside. My brother smokes and when he is at our house he smokes outside but I have already made it clear to him that if his clothes smell of smoke he will NOT be holding his niece. I wasn't mean about it, just stated how it was going to be.

    This is yours and hubs baby so every decision is yours and hubs. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything.
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  • amberrmariee20amberrmariee20 member
    I smoked for years until I got pregnant with my first son so I quit. Then I started smoking again when he was about 1 year old. He and I both have asthma, so I never smoked infront of him, and I never allowed anyone else to. I quit smoking again back in February when I found out I was pregnant again. Now if someone smokes around me I find the smoke messes with my lungs twice as much because I don't smoke.

    I would avoid going to their house, or tell them to smoke outside when you come and before you come, but even then third hand smoke lingers and gets into fabrics and such. So there's no win win solution other then staying away from their house.
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  • VallieS86VallieS86 member
    This has actually helped reading this. My dad smokes a pipe with tobacco in it and my husband keeps telling me we need to address the situation before the baby is born but I'm unsure about how to go about it for the reasons some of you state. I don't want to offend or upset my parents but maybe if I talk to my mom about what some of you suggested she can harass my dad and maybe get him to see the light.
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  • kindlycrystalkindlycrystal member
    @VallieS86, I'm glad it's helped you. It's a difficult situation. 

    DH and I are going to sit down and talk about ground rules in terms of visitors holding our baby, based on the research we have done and some of the suggestions on this thread, then relay them to our family in a manner that is respectful, but firm. I do expect some hurt feelings, but at this point, as PP have said, the choice is theirs and they only have their habits to blame. WE are the parents and protecting our child is our main concern. 
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  • akfbookwormakfbookworm member
    Those of you that have dealt with this already, how did you approach the issue before the baby came? I have no problem telling my brother he can't hold his nephew if I can smell smoke on him, (although he's pretty good about changing jackets/washing up), but I'm a little worried when it comes to the in-laws. They only smoke outside, but there's still the second hand smoke issues. DH says he'll support me, but I'm a little worried about coming across as the crazy over protective FTM.
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  • wildbutterfli2001wildbutterfli2001 member
    My personal advice is to be firm,direct and to the point. You don't have to be disrespectful or offensive about it,just be clear about your concerns and expectations.
    I am a former smoker and I know how difficult it is to quit,however I also know when it comes to my babies, I'm more worried about their health than anyone's hurt feelings.
    I myself would not take my child to their house if they smoke there,even if they don't smoke while they are there. It sucks to everything and babies touch everything.
    As far as their visits go, let them know that If they go able that they need to wash up immediately after and encourage them to at least wear a "smoking shirt or jacket" that they can remove after smoking. Good luck!
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