SO really hurt my feelings

kallarina · July 2015

I don't post here much, I just spend a lot of time reading, but I'm a bit upset at the moment, and I guess I would like some advice, maybe I just need an understanding ear to hear me out.
SO and I just found out today what the sex of our baby is. After the appointment, we decided to make the hour drive over to my parents' house to tell them. I wanted them to be the first to know. SO said he had to stop by work, and then he would be right home. I asked him to not tell the ladies at work what we are having, because I know they all want to know, but I wanted my family to know in person before anyone else.
When he got home, I asked if he told them, and he said yes. I got upset, and asked him how he could be so disrespectful of me like that? He got mad, and told me "fine, I'll never tell anyone else and I just won't be involved from now on."
Am I wrong for feeling like that was disrespectful? I just wanted the people who will actually be important people in my child's life to be the ones who know first, before literally anyone else. Why is that so much to ask? It's not like I wanted him to wait weeks to tell other people. I wanted him to wait until after tonight.
I just don't understand, and I don't know what to do. I'm upset because I really didn't want things this way, but what's done is done. I just want him to understand how disrespectful it was to me to do that.
Anyone have any advice, or just similar stories to commiserate?

Mizuiro007 · July 2015

Yes, you asked him nicely not to tell and he did anyway. Is it so horrible? He was excited and a big moment for him as he got to go brag.

Both pregnancies my husband has asked that I wait to tell until we have a first ultrasound to confirm. I can wait with most people but not my mom, she's my person. I can't talk to her and be that excited and hold back from telling her.

I know it didn't go how you wanted, but unfortunately that happens a lot with parenthood. Things go beyond your control and sometimes you have to let it go.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset. You have every right to be upset. He should understand and apologize. I am saying all this with the hope that maybe some understanding on why he did it might help you find some forgiveness. For myself, I don't like being upset so I like to move past it as quickly as possible. It also makes me sad in this case that it seems like you were both robbed in some way of being able to just be happy and excited about the baby.

holly1811 · July 2015

Aw sorry your having a crappy day, sometimes it definatly helps to vent and get peoples opinions that arent so close to home. I genuinley think your hubby has done it out of excitement rather than to spite you, ive lost count the amount of times i blurted out our pregnancy in the early days when i told dh to not breath a word, it happens i understand why your upset but unfortunalty you cant undo what is done..so enjoy your evening go about it as you planned and try not to let it ruin your whole day

kepoole · July 2015

Despite the fact that this in the grand scheme of things is minor and you'll get over it, you are not wrong. It was disrespectful for him to agree to let you have your moment and then turn around and do exactly what he said he would do. That, my dear, was a dick move. Do I think you'll not care In a few months? Absolutely. But that doesn't change the fact that he was wrong to do that

preggoandglowing · July 2015

I would be upset too but don't let this small thing ruin what should be one of the happiest moments. I'm sure he didn't mean to disrespect you. I know how pushy people can be. I had people texting me for the last week (we found out yesterday).

angetralala · July 2015

I'm less bothered by the fact that he got so excited and shared in the moment, than that his answer to you sharing your feelings was "fine I won't be involved at all."

Are you having a baby, or in a relationship with one?

Now that you've hopefully both calmed down, tell him you are happy that he's proud and bursting at the seams, but you wanted to share the news together for the first time. I would also mention that being an extremist and saying he won't say or do anything from here on out is certainly not the answer, as parenting is a team project all the way.

stephaniearthurs · July 2015

I agree with PP, if he had said, yes I'm sorry but I was excited, then maybe it would be ok, but the snarky response is what gets me!

celainev · July 2015

This is where our good friend Elsa enters the room.

celainev · July 2015

But seriously, I think there are bigger fish to fry. He did something kinda disappointing and said some harsh words but remember you love each other and are having a healthy baby!!! That's what's important.

grkgdss00 · July 2015

Do the ladies at work know your family or a chance they will tell them? Probably not. So it really doesn't matter, and he's excited to share the news with his friends also. They probably badgered him since they knew he was going today. You are not wrong, and have a right to be upset since you specifically asked him not to tell, but I don't think it's a big deal and shouldn't ruin your day or cause a fight.

BostonBaby1 · July 2015

I agree with PP that to me, the bigger issue would be how he responded to you so harshly. Maybe just sit down with him once you calm down a bit and talk things out.

groovylocks · July 2015

It's not just your baby. It's his too. Why cant he tell his friends how he wants? He overreacted because you overreacted. Put it to bed and have a new day tomorrow and remember, these choices are his too.

groovylocks · July 2015

stephaniearthurs said:
I agree with PP, if he had said, yes I'm sorry but I was excited, then maybe it would be ok, but the snarky response is what gets me!

As somebody in a marriage with somebody prone to making big dramas out of nothing, I feel we are seeing one side of the story. They likely both said things they didn't mean. She likely really berated him (sorry but reading between the lines I'm seeing this) at which point he said something stupid and childish that he probably regrets.

So they have to just let this one go.

flyingmombula · July 2015

If my boyfriend had said 'fine I won't be involved at all,' I would have been ENRAGED. Not an ok thing to say in my opinion. I would have said, fine, see ya! But perhaps I am hormonal.

amcgeorge0921 · July 2015

I think you have a right to be upset with him since you had discussed waiting and specifically asked him not to tell them yet. I don't know how you handled the situation, but I know when I get upset about things like that I tend to really go off on DH at first and then later on come to my senses and realize I made it a way bigger deal than it needed to be and ultimately ruined a happy moment myself rather than DH actually ruining it, and also causing a huge fight between us. I do, however, think he was a bit childish/dramatic with his comeback to you and that would have been what really sent me over the edge. Hopefully after you both calm down you can talk through it better (sometimes easier said than done) and you can see that he was just super excited to spread the news, and likewise, hopefully he will see that you felt disrespected and also hurt by his comment to you. Either way, don't stress too much and don't let it ruin your happy moment.

missphil · July 2015

I think you are right to be upset. There should be intimacy between couples and this is the sort of information that couples relish in being the only two to know. By telling random women at his work, he sort of broke that intimacy and you are now feeling disrespected. You might have felt differently if he had told his best guy friend instead. But he didn't. Then he acts like a drama queen, which I would totally ignore because it's not your job to deal with a toddler husband.
The best way to handle this sort of situation is to wait until both you and your husband are past your emotions and then calmly explain why this hurt you. He may or may not understand it, but at least he'll know not to repeat a similar situation.

SO really hurt my feelings

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