•••PAL check-in•••7.28.15•••

stefuge · July 2015

It has been a while since this has been posted, but I know we have quite a few new mamas parenting after a loss, so I thought I would post it.

This is a check in for any person who is "Parenting after a loss", whether that is parenting your rainbow or your sunshine child.

How have things been going for you lately?

Any challenges you have been struggling with, whether loss related or not?

Brag a little. Tell us something about your LC that has made you proud recently.

Please feel free to share anything else that is on your mind. Any questions for other loss parents who are parenting children?

ikrystal · July 2015

Thanks for posting this. I hope a lot of ladies join in. It was nice having those couple of threads with everyone catching up with each other.

How have things been going for you lately? They've been okay. DH got hurt at the FD and its been a mess. Many times, when we have had challenges, I've gotten some sort of sign from our boys saying everything would be okay. Not so much this time (at least not yet).

Any challenges you have been struggling with, whether loss related or not? Ohhh yeah. See above. Scary injury for DH.

Brag a little. Tell us something about your LC that has made you proud recently. Is LC little child? I'm horrible at he abbreviations unless they are about IVF. If it is, little girl is growing SO FAST. She's reaching many milestones early and shes trying really, really hard to say "hi" (if we say hi to her, she gets a big smile and makes the "haaaaa" sound). She is almost 6 months old and she is such a happy, wonderful baby.

Please feel free to share anything else that is on your mind. Any questions for other loss parents who are parenting children? One big question... I'm guessing many of us may be in the same boat here. How do we tell our rainbows about their brothers/sisters who have gone up to heaven before they were born? We have pictures everywhere and we talk about the boys constantly. I am hoping that makes it easier for their sister to talk to us about them. But as for a more "formal" discussion... not sure if that is necessary or even how to go about it. It is a long ways away yet, but I think about it often.

erinel · July 2015

stefuge Thanks for the check in

How have things been going for you lately?

Things have been pretty good overall. Baby is good, husband is good, work is good.

Any challenges you have been struggling with, whether loss related or not?

L isn't sleeping as well the last week or two, which is stressful. I can't complain, though, because she had been sleeping so well for so long.

I have been having more flashbacks to the NICU and Q dying in my arms lately, and that's been tough. I love remembering him, and talking about him, but it's pretty hard to hold it together when I am thinking about certain things.

Brag a little. Tell us something about your LC that has made you proud recently. She hasn't hit any milestones lately, I'm anxiously awaiting her first rolling and sitting up on her own any day, but she makes me proud with just how awesome she is Her smile makes life worth living. And her laugh makes my heart burst.

Please feel free to share anything else that is on your mind. Any questions for other loss parents who are parenting children?

Nothing that I can think of right now, but I'm so glad we are all back on this board

stefuge · July 2015

@ikrystal - yes, by LC I meant little child. Sorry to be confusing! I can't believe she is already 6 months old! Wow. I hope your husband is ok! How scary! Is he off work for a while? As for how to tell our rainbows, I've been thinking about that some with baby on the way (hopefully...). I sort of feel like it will be a continuos conversation, kind of how we are with our older son. "Here is a picture of your big brothers. They are in Heaven but we will see them someday." (Or whatever you believe). There is a book "someone came before you" that i know some of the moms on here have talked about. We have the companion one for DS1 (we were going to have a baby but had an angel instead) and we read that with him, and still do sometimes, and it was simple and easy to understand. I haven't read the "someone came before you" one but will probably look into it. I also feel like, at least for us, we have traditions every month and every year and even at some holidays, to include Colton, and I feel like that helps to convey to a new child the importance of this person who is no longer with us. It's definitely going to be different.

@erinel - I'm so sorry L isnt sleeping. That makes life difficult for everyone! And I hope the flashbacks stop. I'm so sorry. That is so hard. He died in his Mommys arms - there couldn't have been a better place. ((Hugs))

ETA: spelling correction

ikrystal · July 2015

stefuge he is off work right now, no idea when he is going back. I hope soon. I think you are right about the ongoing conversations. I hope that she embraces the boys the way that we do.

erinelstefuge , the flashbacks sound so hard but he was definitely where he was suppossed to be when he passed.

dadalou · July 2015

How have things been going for you lately? I've been not doing well. It's hard having someone need me every second of the day with no down time. Also next week will be 18 months since Nathaniel died. It's hitting me hard. I really need to think of something fun to do that day.

Any challenges you have been struggling with, whether loss related or not? DH and I have not been connecting lately. We had a few discussions in the last couple of weeks that ended with me in tears (mostly because I was really tired since I only got me time after everyone else was in bed so I would stay up way too late). It seems like it is getting better. I had not been getting any time for myself at all and now he is trying to give me some every day if I need it. It has been really helpful.

Brag a little. Tell us something about your LC that has made you proud recently. Felicity is so fun (most of the time). She sleeps through the night and usually takes a really long nap sometime during the day. She's rolling and full of smiles (especially for big sister) and has really started to interact and play. It's really fun especially seeing Abby play with her and make her laugh.

Please feel free to share anything else that is on your mind. Any questions for other loss parents who are parenting children? We've been having a lot of trouble with Abby lately. She fights us every night through dinner and brushing teeth. It's an exhausting battle of nagging and chasing her around the house and time outs. I don't know if she isn't getting enough attention during the day since I'm busy with her sister a lot.

dadalou · July 2015

@ikrystal We have the book Someone Came Before You for Felicity. I haven't read it to her yet, but I'm sure I will. We also do Nathaniel Day activities every month and include Nathaniel in every celebration and holiday somehow. I've also been using our Nathaniel bear in her monthly photos.

ikrystal · August 2015

dadalou We have that book as well. I havent brought myself to read it in its entirety yet, but like you I am sure we will read it to our little girl one day. I love that you use Nathaniel bear in her monthly pictures!! What a great idea!

msunshine123 · August 2015

Sorry I'm late to respond.
@stefuge thanks for starting this check in. I agree with the continuous conversation. That's kind of our plan for telling our daughter about her big brother.
@ikrystal I am so sorry about your DH and I hope he is healing well and back to work soon. So cute your daughter saying "hi."
@erinel - hope your L is sleeping better. I'm sorry about the flashbacks and the sadness they brings. I agree with the previous posters - your Q was in the best place - your arms feeling all your love. Hugs to you.
@dadalou- it's so hard when you are doing so much and tired! Everything is worse when we are tired. I'm glad you're taking some more time for yourself and I hope it gets better. I love how you are including your Nathaniel bear in Felicity's monthly pictures - such a great idea!

msunshine123 · August 2015

How are you doing?
So far I am doing well. I'm so in love with my daughter and I'm really enjoying my maternity leave with her.
Challenges:
I'm worried about what my work schedule will look like when my leave ends. I plan to go back part time instead of full time and I know it will be tricky and might require me to be at 2 different locations. The coming change along with the unknowns is hard at times. So I keep reminding myself of this time last year and all the unknowns I faced - reflecting on that I know I will survive. I'm in such a better place.
Brag a little:
My daughter has been smiling more and more. It melts my heart and I just love it so much! I sometimes think that's what my son's smile would have looked like too!

Mel&John2013 · August 2015

@msunshine So glad you're enjoying maternity leave! Oh my goodness, I love baby smiles!

I worried a lot about how the schedule would work out once I went back to work but the truth is...you just sort of figure it out. You've got this

ikrystal · August 2015

msunshine123 That is great that you get the opportunity to work part time instead of full time so you can be home more with your daughter. I hope that the transition and new work schedule work out well for you. So great that your LO is smiling! Those little baby smiles are just the best.

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