Rules for grandparents/visitors

ckennett62814 · July 2015

Alright, so I have been having some issues with my MIL. She thinks its okay to just come over anytime she wants for no actual reason. Let me start by saying that she lives across the road from us and comes up our driveway through our yard at least 3 times a day because her horse pasture/barn is behind our house. I don't necessarily like that she comes up everyday, but I understand she needs to feed her horses etc. A lot of times on her trips through our yard she comes right up to our door and knocks, I answer and she barges in and is pretty much just being nosy. Anyway, I don't want her to just knock anymore- I want her to call first because I have a BIG LOUD St. Bernard/ Great Dane mix who has quite the bark on her. Every time she knocks on the door, my dog goes crazy and I worry about when the baby is here and her getting woken up by the dog. If she called first, I could put the dog outside to make the barking a little bit better. Also, I worry that she will come over even more when the baby is here and to be honest- I want my alone time with my new family! My MIL just seems so clueless so I told my DH we need to have a talk with her ASAP! So I wrote down some rules for visitors. I'm going to tell my in laws they are for everyone, but really they only apply to my in laws as my parents don't live close and would never just show up without calling. Here are my rules...any advice or input would be great, and let me know if they sound too harsh. I will be honest and say I don't like my MIL at all, but I still want her in the baby's life, I would never take her grand baby away from her.

1. Please call before you come over- if we don't answer the phone, then don't come over anyway. We will call you back when we aren't busy. * Please do not knock on the door-it makes the dog go crazy and we don't want to wake up the baby-or we may be napping.

2. If the dog barks at you through the window, please don't talk to her- it makes her bark more.

3. We know you will want to visit the baby, but we would like to spend some quality time as a "new" family with her and not have visitors ALL the time. Please respect that. * You will of course be able to see the baby, don't worry.

We do not want to hurt anybody's feeling, we just feel we should lay down some ground rules now to make it easier for everybody when the baby is here.

So how does that sound? I was actually thinking of giving her the rules, but I don't know if that would be a little harsh? I do plan on talking with her face to face with my DH too as well.

jnb2015 · July 2015

I think you're being reasonable. Make sure this is communicated by your husband to his parents like its his idea. You don't want to look like the bad guy. And if your husband has issues with your parents you do the talking and make it seem like its your idea.

My gosh I think she would drive me crazy! But, thankfully you are now presented with the perfect opportunity to set boundaries that should have already been there.

Lalala2326 · July 2015

If neither you or your husband have talked with her yet, then giving her these I think would be very harsh. Its a good list for you and your husband to agree on, and then for your husband (or both of you) to talk to her about (nicely). If they don't respect them, then maybe look at talking again, and as a last resort sometime giving something in writing. To me though, they are family, and if you haven't discussed this with them previously, then it is likely to come off very, very badly. Even if to you it seems like something obvious, it simply may not for them until someone points it out (nicely).

jnb2015 · July 2015

Add: I agree don't use an actual list. Have your husband talk to them.

ckennett62814 · July 2015

Lalala2326- Thank you for your input. I think we will talk to them face to face first and then if there are still problems then we could give them the rules. I'm hoping she doesn't get too offended, but I have a feeling that she will understand or at least abide by the rules.

SassetteSmurfling · July 2015

Yeah I think it's a good list, but don't present it as "these are our new rules". That's a bit harsh.
Just have you're husband say something along the lines of "with the new baby coming we'd really like to keep the dog as calm as possible and try to establish a schedule/routine with the baby. It would really help us out if you gave us a call before coming over"

Good luck!

deviduke412 · July 2015

First off, so sorry you have to deal with this! This is one thing I'm so thankful for is that my in-laws don't just come over even though they live across the road. I would say definitely make sure your dh is on the same page. I agree with what was said about if you've never said anything to her about this before, it could come as a shock and sound harsh. She might not realize anything is wrong or that you don't like her doing that? Or she could, I don't know her. I would talk to her first since the list is honestly just for her. And I think your dh should lead the conversation.

ckennett62814 · July 2015

deviduke412 said:

First off, so sorry you have to deal with this! This is one thing I'm so thankful for is that my in-laws don't just come over even though they live across the road. I would say definitely make sure your dh is on the same page. I agree with what was said about if you've never said anything to her about this before, it could come as a shock and sound harsh. She might not realize anything is wrong or that you don't like her doing that? Or she could, I don't know her. I would talk to her first since the list is honestly just for her. And I think your dh should lead the conversation.

My DH is on the same page as me thank God! I think you all are right that it could sound harsh since it has never been brought up to her before. I honestly don't think she has any idea that what she is doing is bothering us- exactly why we need to set up some ground rules now! I will be honest, I'm nervous to talk to her, even though my DH will be there helping me. I just don't want to burn any bridges with family.

Miz_Liz · July 2015

I agree that you should have a conversation with her first and see how that goes. I understand you are planning to tell her these are the rules for everyone, but it is abundantly clear that they are just for her/them, so I think they would see right through it since they really only make sense for someone close by. I personally would have DH try talking to her first since it is his mom and then see how it goes.

MouseMama817 · July 2015

Definitely agree to have your husband have the conversation. You can be there, but he should do all the talking since it will probably be better received. You can even hang a cute, custom sign on the front door as a reminder for when they (or anyone) comes over, in case the verbal conversation isn't taken seriously. If you search "baby doorbell sign" on Pinterest there are tons of options. Like this one:

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/311029917991902506/

There are also ones that include instructions for package deliveries so that it doesn't seem like you hung the sign just for them. Personally, if I had this issue I would get one of those signs ASAP so that I wouldn't have to have any repeat conversations. I'm considering getting one anyway just because we do have soliciters come knocking on our door from time to time and I would literally flip my shit if it woke my baby up.

candicejeff2013 · July 2015

Hmmm. I think you can communicate this without making a "rule sheet". But I understand if this makes it more comfortable for you. But if it were me I'd just keep it real and address things in the moment. Because it's clear these are primarily addressed to your in-laws.

bpwife&mama · July 2015

My family and my husband's family would be odd is presented with a list. Make your husband say something. Your list isn't unreasonable, your husband just needs to communicate it.

kedbach · July 2015

I agree with PPs, just have a conversation with them. My husband and I had "guidelines", as you will (really just common sense things!!) but we are waiting until these things arise before we discuss them with family. After a few times of people staying over seeing baby rather late, we explained that we want to start getting baby set with a routine, so we would prefer visits earlier in the day vs. later at night. It all depends on how open you are with family.

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