Daycare lets my 3 mo old cry it out?!?

Kissel348 · July 2015

Today was my sons third day of daycare. He was at home with me for 3 months and was colicky but is starting to be better. Before starting daycare I explained to the owner that he was colicky and I wasn't comfortable with him crying all day so to keep me updated and I could adjust work if I needed to stay with him longer.

Today I went into daycare and he was sleeping. I asked the infant lead how they got him to nap so much and she said well we let him cry it out. I wanted to freak but instead I acted fine and asked how long it would take crying for him to sleep. She said between 5-15 minutes.

I left and didn't say anything bc I needed to think about my conversation first, usually I flip right away.

I am 100% not ok with him crying it out at this age. It makes me cry thinking about it. Shouldn't they have discussed this with me? What would you do - talk to the teacher, owner or find a new daycare?

blairdavis99 · July 2015

I have no experience with day cares so I'm not sure who the best person to talk to is but I did want to say that I 100% agree with your frustration. You are paying them to take care of him, not ignore him or parent him! Any sleep training or CIO techniques should've been discussed with you and agreed upon by you in advance. Kudos for gathering your thoughts instead of sounding off in the moment, too! I'm sure that was hard to do but probably a good idea lol. Good luck sorting it out!

rooboo111 · July 2015

I would change to a different childcare provider, you will never have complete trust in them now and will always be worrying what else they are not doing for your child, plus you are also paying them for a service they are not providing. I'd move and I would let the owner know exactly why. I can imagine how upsetting it is for you

maelily15 · July 2015

Each parent has a different way of doing things. I would say as long as it doesn't exceed 15 minutes and they've attempted everything else to soothe him, it might not be a bad thing. We let our 3 month old cry it out occasionally if we've tried everything else. But at the very least definitely speak to them about your expectations.

chrisandsarahwedding · July 2015

I agree with you in not letting that small of a child cry it out. I would let it go and switch childcare providers asap. You need to find one that actually listens to you and cares, I am sorry that happened to you.

ewilson74 · July 2015

I thinking you may find this article interesting and it may help you to form / support your thoughts before talking to daycare.
https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/30/self-settling-what-really-happens-when-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/

brncntry316 · July 2015

That's so sad they didn't discuss with you first! I don't have experience with a daycare but my mother in law is kind of the same way when it comes to just doing what she wants rather than what I ask. Not sure if this is helpful but we have always let our son cry it out from the beginning but we have a 10 minute rule. He's been sleeping through the night since 6 weeks and he almost never cries anymore now when he goes down to sleep. Every baby is different and you should totally feel comfortable and trust who's watching him! I know some daycares have crying policies so even if you switch they might still let him cry, so just ask! Hope everything works out for you mama!

shrkfan · July 2015

That breaks my heart! My son is almost 4 months and I couldn't imagine making him cry it out. He went thru a rough phase but we found out it was gas... I would switch daycares. Even if you tell them not to let him cry how do you know they aren't? How can you trust they aren't putting him down and letting him scream for 20 min. And if she told you 15 min I'm not sure how much I believe that. I've been driving or had times my son had to cry it out and he did not stop in 15 min. Good luck! And kudos to you for staying calm. I think I would have flipped

Sarahbmcd · July 2015

Are they purposefully letting him cry it out or ate they preoccupied with other children? I ask this bc i worked in a daycare where we had 12 babies for 2 teachers. Things get hectic.

Oostar · July 2015

I would speak to the teacher first and explain your concern and disappointment that she tried this method without discussing it with you. Simply ask her if she can commit to not letting him cry it out. If she resists, then I would step it up to the owner. If they can't commit to your parenting-style, then it's time to find a new facility. I certainly don't think you need to storm out before having a discussion though. If you didn't tell them that you had a problem with the crying method, how would they know? You might find they are receptive to your ideas and if not, you know what to do.

astrat017 · July 2015

I'm gonna play the other side a bit here and wonder if you're making a bigger deal then you need to (for the record I'm not judging because it's your baby and I understand your need to be comfortable with a provider). It would be impossible for a daycare to follow every wish of every mom to a tee. They are trying to care for your child in the best way that they can too and as someone who doesn't think crying for 5 minutes is a bad thing I think they are doing the best they can. You can't always expect someone to rock your baby all day if they are tired and won't sleep. If you want to be pickier then maybe a nanny would be a better fit for you because your child would be the only one being cared for and would allow you to be quite specific.

Bickey11 · July 2015

i think most centers have a rule to allow them to cry for a period of time, 15 minutes max. If that is not OK with you, you may need to consider a home care giver who can dedicate more time to your child's individual (or your individual) needs. Keep in mind it is generally a 1 : 4 caregiver child ratio, and 15 minutes of your child being left to self soothe while may be hurtful to you and your psyche, if they do actually fall asleep, that means they're OK. Honestly, a few days there, you may find your baby self soothes a lot better at home too. The worst part about CIO is for the parents to have to hear the cries and feel bad. They're getting that out of the way for you and your baby will likely be a better self soother for it.

shrkfan · July 2015

What happened with this? Did you talk to the daycare?

morninglory530 · July 2015

I'll play a little devil's advocate, too...I had bad impressions of cry it out, too. But...I recently reached a place where it was getting harder and harder to put my 3.5 month old to sleep and have him stay asleep. After trying many different methods, at the suggestion of a friend, I picked up the Ferber book "solve all your sleep problems" and read a lot of it and decided to implement the progressive waiting approach. He slept really well at daycare for the first time yesterday and his teachers were incredibly pleased! Also, listening to him contentedly coo himself to sleep last night without any fussing or crying whatsoever, I felt like it was the best answer for all of us. Perhaps his teachers at daycare will see a much lower maintenance baby because we've given him the gift of sleep and I've challenged him to learn to sleep on his own (it's about changing his sleep associations and getting him to fall asleep on his own, not having him cry until he gives up. Any time you change the status quo, there will be some complaining from your child).

I think it's ok to feel like cry it out isn't the method for you or your family and I think it would have been better if the daycare had talked to you about what they planned to do with your child before doing it. But, as a teacher myself, I would suggest that they want to help your child and not hurt him and give him the best they can under the circumstances they have. I would challenge you to not knock the cry it out method until you know more about the reasoning. The method is based on more than 20 years of thoughtful research on how sleep works and I found it surprisingly compelling when I read his book.

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