Afraid (warning: trigger)

roseyrose1984 · July 2015

This Thursday we will have our second ultrasound for the NT screening and I am just so afraid. I have had two missed miscarriages in the past year (at 9 weeks and 11 weeks), both times we found out at the first ultrasound, and I just hate the thought of having to look at that monitor again. We have had a good ultrasound at 9 weeks, there was a nice strong heartbeat, but I have been seeing so many stories on forums and I am just very afraid that it will go wrong again. I would so much just like to be happy with this pregnancy, like the others on here and look for baby stuff online and do silly gender predictor stuff and so, but what if it is all going to be a huge failure and disappointment again? Anybody else experiencing this?

PS: I am also living away from home, I am from Europe and live with my husband in the USA since last year... I miss my mum and sister a lot. My husband is being great and loving, (he says I should not read on forums all the time, perhaps he's right).

ARogers26 · July 2015

Not a lot of advice, but similar feelings so you are not alone. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I am excited but lost a pregnancy before and reading others losses makes me worry more. Just remember you aren't alone in your fears. Time will make this better. Also I hope you are getting the warmest of welcomes here in the USA.

PaniaO · July 2015

Hugs to you. I don't have anything in particular to offer you other than that I know you're not alone here in your fears. You've been through a lot of disappointment and I hope this bean makes it through the long haul. I'm glad your DH is supportive and, yeahhh, he might be onto something with respect to the forums breeding anxiety--but TB can also be a source of support. Have you tried using a fetal doppler? It might ease your fears--or antagonize them, depending on how well you can tolerate the challenge of finding the HB. T&Ps to you!

DizzyMom1 · July 2015

I haven't experienced this, I just wanted to send a ton of hugs your way! Do you video chat with your family? Video chat saved me when DH was far away. I'll be sending T&Ps for a nice sticky baby for you this time!

g8trkim · July 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have not has the experiences you have, but I'm also really nervous about my NT on Wednesday. My only advice is to try to keep as busy as possible so you have less time to worry. Best of luck Thursday!

bbax44 · July 2015

This, everything. I too have had 2 mc this past year, and have found out via ultrasound so it stresses me out with ultrasounds, just that extreme fear of getting bad news again. 9w ultrasound went great, baby had a strong hb at 175. I have my 12 week appt thursday and then my first tri screening in 2 weeks, at 13 weeks. For thursdays appt, i think it is just a check up and trying to find hb on the doppler. But I'm still sooo nervous. You are definitely not alone!

roseyrose1984 · July 2015

Thank you everyone, it is really supporting to read your messages.

@Pania, I am going to read about that Doppler, maybe it helps.

@gr8tkim Yes, staying busy also helped me through the losses.

@aRogers my American colleagues have been so sweet. When I went through the second MMC in February they came over and brought us different types of dishes. I couldn't believe it, so wonderful! In general people have been very welcoming and warm. It is an amazing experience to live here, although we will probably move back at some point.

@Dizzymom Yes I Skype with my family often, mostly during the weekend because of the time difference.

@bbax44 I wish you a lot of strength and all the best. In my head I know the risks are lower once you see the heartbeat, but my heart just doesnt want to believe it yet.

Thanks everyone, I wish you all great pregnancies without fear. I will post on Thursday with the results.

sharon128 · July 2015

Something I have learned is the worrying doesn't stop once the baby is on the outside. I try to practice and remember that worrying about something I cannot control does not help me or my baby- usually it makes it worse. I know it's hard, but try to focus on things you can do to keep yourself as healthy as possible. Good luck!

rachrobertson · July 2015

You are not alone in your fears. I had a mmc that was discovered via ultrasound right before getting pregnant with this baby. I used to be so pumped for.my ultrasounds, now it is mixed emotions. I want one to see everything is ok, but am so scared it won't be. No advice on how to overcome this fear, I would like to know myself.

oxsarah7ox · July 2015

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but you are not alone. I also had a missed miscarriage this year, and as one woman put it "a missed miscarriage is a special kind of hell." Especially with no signs. All you can do is try to be as positive as possible. You will be on pins and needles I am sure for a while, but all of us as we go through motherhood I am sure will be on pins and needles. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts! Good luck, girl.

cici613 · July 2015

Hugs!!! I haven't experienced this, but I think fear is what we all share during pregnancy. I am having severe vomiting and keep losing weight. I called my ob and talk to her about my concern and she gave me comfort in some way. You can share your fear with your care provider, too. Also, your post made me cry. I am also living in the U.S. with my husband while my family is far far far away. I miss them so much. One of my mom's friend is coming to the U.S. this week and they keep asking me what i want from home. They will ask the friend to bring that here. That made me feel worse. I don't want anything. I want them.

chitownparent · July 2015

I'm also scared for my 2nd ultrasound. I know exactly how you feel. I constantly ask, "Do I feel pregnant enough?" My mom and my inlaws are so excited, but I can't help be frightened, terrified even, that it might not work out again.

I just remind myself that it is out of my hands. The best thing I can do is focus on the positive, and not obsess over negative possibilities. One day at a time.

purpletulip · July 2015

I had a missed miscarriage earlier this year and now I have a lot of anxiety before ultrasounds/Doppler appointments. To think, I used to look forward to them with so much excitement!
My OB said I can come in anytime to listen to the heartbeat for peace of mind. I've thought about buying a home Doppler but I'm worried that it might cause more anxiety if I'm having a hard time finding the heartbeat. Plus, maybe then I'll get obsessive about listening?
I'm sorry you're going through this.

hsteph0426 · July 2015

I know what you ladies are feeling. I've had two losses this past year and I'm going in for another ultrasound tomorrow. I saw the heartbeat two weeks ago, and the baby was developing great, but recently I've lost my morning sickness and I can't help but feel afraid. Like chitownparent said, it's out of my hands.. And I know that God has it all under control. so much easier said than done.

Sending many T&P to all of you ladies. Hoping that our ultrasounds show us our healthy little ones.

name1109 · July 2015

@roseyrose1984 I am right there with you my second u/s is tomorrow and I'm so so nervous.

Side note, if you're new to the US you might(?) not have heard of www.meetup.com. When we had DD I met a bunch of local first time mom's in the area going through the same fears etc. It's a great little site.

roseyrose1984 · July 2015

Hey @name1109 that's great advice. I checked out the site but couldn't find a pregnancy group in my area. Maybe I should start one myself.

@haileystephenson it was so scary for me to suddenly feel less pregnant. But I guess it's normal.

I am very sorry to hear so many other ladies here had to go through losses and have anxiety. Maybe weird, but when we started with getting pregnant I didn't truly realize how common this is. I am hoping and praying for my US tomorrow and for your pregnancies too!

hsteph0426 · July 2015

Hey ladies!! Just wanted to give you an update that might save you some worry. I had my ultrasound today, and everything went perfect. Baby had heartbeat and was moving around a lot!! Such a relief

Sudden loss of symptoms doesn't automatically mean something is wrong! Hope this brings some comfort to you, @roseyrose1984 and all you other ladies who are worried.

name1109 · July 2015

@roseyrose1984 A friend of mine posted this idea as well for making mom friends in the US: https://mamainstincts.com/how-to-make-mommy-friends/

roseyrose1984 · July 2015

Oooooh we had such a great great great ultrasound today. The baby is doing fine, she actually held her hand up as if she waived and she moved around all the time. I just can't believe that tiny human is inside of me, like... all the time. Right now even. I am starting to realize it.

It feels like a giant weight fell off my shoulder and feeling much more confident. Hope the confidence is here to stay. My husband was also very relieved. He actually showed me a tiny jumpsuit that he wore as a baby, that his mother gave to him a few months ago when we were in the Netherlands. To be opened for when I was pregnant again. He was confident enough today about this pregnancy to show the package to me and let me open it. It was so cute!

Katty422 · August 2015

Happy to hear that you got to see your baby and is well! Take care of yourself think positive!

AdventureMama · August 2015

I'm so glad you got good news.

Hugs and a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy to you!

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