TTGP around friend's weddings!

wellinaustin · July 2015

My friend is getting married on June 4th (a four hour flight away) and I was pregnant this past cycle which would have worked out perfectly for me to make it without too many issues, but it unfortunately ended in what I believe to be a CP. I don't want to purposely miss her wedding ,and events but I don't want to stop TTGP. I would likely have to take two months off to ensure that I don't miss her wedding (given I would need to fly to get to it). This cycle would be cutting it really close, but I think I'm going to risk it.

Has anyone dealt with this in the past and how did it go?

mrskal · July 2015

It's about your priorities, what do you want more? Internet strangers can't decide that for you. That's my feeling, others may feel differently.
Also, how will it be two months ?

oandmplus1 · July 2015

If it was me, I would probably keep TTC knowing that it could take a year or longer to conceive and waiting a month or two at this point would not be do-able for me. I would take my chances and deal with it when or if it happens, but that's my own preference.

You have to do what's right for you and only you can decide what's more important to you.

DutchLucyLu · July 2015

First off, I'm sorry for your CP.

Please know that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive and you only have about a 25% chance each month, so it's a very real possibility that it will take a while before you are pregnant again.

That said, TTC is your decision, based on where you are in your life. What if one of your other friends announces they'll get married in August of next year? Will you postpone again?

One of my cousins wasn't at my wedding because she was 36 weeks pregnant at the time and not allowed to fly anymore. She really wanted to be there, but just couldn't be. She had to skip my wedding but she got a baby in return! Yes I was a little disappointed that she wasn't there, but I was mostly glad for her that she was going to be a mom.

Like I said, it's your decision and if you decide to stop for a while so you can be at her wedding, that's your prerogative .BUT saying you'd be 'purposely missing her wedding' if you got pregnant really is a bit too much. You're not getting pregnant to sabotage her seating arrangements or because you want to avoid getting her a wedding present, you're getting pregnant because you want a child (and that is extremely valid).

Edited because I can't grammar.

letyourheartbeyourguide · July 2015

I would keep TTC. I'd be bummed to miss a close friend's wedding but having a baby is a much bigger priority for me - I don't want to voluntarily delay that. But like PP said, you have to think about your own priorities and how you would feel about both scenarios: 1) you get KU quickly and miss the wedding, or 2) to wait the two months to TTC and then it takes several months or more to conceive.

lalalorelai · July 2015

I about drove myself crazy trying to plan my hypothetical due date around all the events I have coming in the next two years. Finishing my dissertation, graduating, starting a new job next August, friends' weddings, family vacations... There's no "perfect" time.

H and I finally decided that we'll make it work. Having a child is more important than any other timeline I have (except my new job -- we will take off at least one month TTC so I'm not due right when I start my new job) and I'll work around it. But that's what we decided on as our priority. You have to do that for yourself.

lalala2004 · July 2015

If it were me, I wouldn't stop TTC. Babies and pregnancy are just a part of life, and anyone with a lick of sense would understand that. Your friend is unlikely to think you purposefully conceived with the sole purpose of missing her wedding. That's insane.

However, if you would be so disappointed in missing the wedding that you want to stop trying to conceive, go for it. You can do whatever you want, obviously! You don't need an Internet stranger to tell you that

allen4tl · July 2015

I am in the exact same position. My friends wedding is June 9 and I am a bridesmaid. I have been TTC for 6 months in the hopes it would happen before her wedding. Another bridesmaid was in the same position and has stopped trying because of the timing. Part of me wants to keep trying because it clearly isn't happening as easily as my naive self once thought. The other part of me is going to be disappointed if it happens this month or next and I miss her wedding, even though in the long run I know a baby is more important to me. I'm No help to you but good luck and I hope you make the right decision for you and your family.

MamaBish · July 2015

I'm sorry about your cp.

I can only speak to my situation but nothing would stop us from ttc right now. A baby is more important to us than anything else at the moment.

Tippy05 · July 2015

It's a tough decision for sure. Like the other PP's said, there really is no "perfect" time. Things come up and as nice as it would be to conveniently get pregnant around other events, it's just not possible. There's always going to be something.

None of us can make that decision for you. You'll have to talk to DH about it and decide what's more important right now. There may not be an easy or clear answer. Good luck!!

blackgirlmagic · July 2015

My brother in law is getting married April 2016. If I were to get pregnant this cycle then I could possible deliver around their wedding date and I am also a Matron of Honor, but she does have a maid of honor as well. Our families know that we are TTGP and my BIL and his fiance are cool knowing that. But there wedding is also local so I am in a different situation. But to me, having my little bundle of joy is more important than going to the wedding. Plus you never know if you will deliver early or not when you do get pregnant so that could hinder you as well.

But this has to be your and your SO other decision to make.

PugsandKisses · July 2015

I am team #livemylife meaning, would other people put their lives, goals and dreams on hold for you?

PrimRoseMama · July 2015

wellinaustin said:
My friend is getting married on June 4th (a four hour flight away) and I was pregnant this past cycle which would have worked out perfectly for me to make it without too many issues, but it unfortunately ended in what I believe to be a CP. I don't want to purposely miss her wedding ,and events but I don't want to stop TTGP. I would likely have to take two months off to ensure that I don't miss her wedding (given I would need to fly to get to it). This cycle would be cutting it really close, but I think I'm going to risk it.

Has anyone dealt with this in the past and how did it go?

I've never timed my attempts to get pg around others' life events. There is always something that would make being pg "inconvenient" for someone else.

Case in point, my Grandmother is near the end of her journey in this life. She's in an advanced Alzheimer's unit across the country. My mom has MS & my Step Dad Bone Cancer. When my Grandmama passes I will need to fly out there (solo) to help with arrangements & basic needs.

I am not putting off trying officially at the new year in the off chance that I might have to fly while pregnant. You can't plan it like that, you'll drive yourself nuts.

I had two pregnant ladies in my wedding in 2009. One was 16 weeks & the other 10 weeks. They flew out (one internationally!) & did just fine. Should you be pregnant at that time talk to your OB about your individual situation & travel. Mine has always said to limit travel & flying after 24 weeks in general. Others have other standards.

Cross the bridge when you come to it.

PrimRoseMama · July 2015

My other post got eaten: I wanted to make sure I told you-- I'm sorry for your loss. :x

MNturnsVA · July 2015

I'm sorry for your loss also.

Now that we are about to move onto our 4th month of TTC (AF came today) I would say do not wait on anything other than how ready you personally are for all the changes this will bring to your life. So if you need to buy a bigger house first to feel more confident and ready, do that. If you haven't finished school, and really want to do that first, do that. If one of you is going to be changing jobs possibly, then do that.

There are some who say the timing will never be just right. My DH wanted to be more prepared though and we knew we were going to be buying a new home and we hadn't taken our honeymoon yet. So the month we came back from honeymoon, I stopped using BC.

I had heavily debated how "serious" I wanted to be about TTC and temping and using OPKS and all that when we first started out because we have some travel plans for the fall lined up and some tenative ones and I wanted to be able to drink or not have morning sickness for those things.

However, now that we are going on month 4 and no luck, my selfish wants are taking a seat on the back burner and this is what I want more than anything. Keeping in mind it can take us up to a year is also something that stands out in my mind, so keeping up with efforts seems like the more logical thing to do vs not.

And, I hate my job. I've passed up other employment opportunities because I wanted this more than anything. I couldn't leave my health insurance and vacation and all that and risk waiting a whole another year possibly. So here I am.

Bottom line, you have to do what is best for you, but I would base my decision on bigger items in your life vs a wedding. I can see how the wedding can throw off some possible plans or ideas and what knot. But I've been somewhat in your boat and I'm ready. My personal wants are on the back burner because this want is much bigger.

mackenzie07 · July 2015

I Know how you feel. DH and I have been trying and it hasn't happened. We also have my brothers wedding in Jamica next May. If I get pregnant before October we will not be going, if I get pregnant after October my OB said she may let me fly. It was a hard decision. Internet people cannot make or change your mind. It is all in how bad you want to have a family. To me having my own family means the world. And if I put it off for this person or that person or that family outing then we are not living our life for what we want. Just my thoughts. Good Luck.

beachbunnyxo123 · July 2015

I agree with PPs, there is always going to be something that comes up I don't know that there will ever be a perfect time but I'm sure they would understand if you couldn't make it. Good luck to you in whatever you decide!

xyzabqsmvb53 · July 2015

In the event that you had to miss your friend's wedding maybe you could do something like skype in to the ceremony or have it live-streamed to you so that you can still get to "be there" even though you can't be there?

If you want to keep TTGP then go for it. Your friend may be bummed if you can't go but I bet she'll also be thrilled for you too.

wellinaustin · July 2015

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful notes about the CP!

Totally agree that I have to decide with husband, but so glad to hear that so many people also are not worrying about planning their future babies around others events. I am a bridesmaid, which is what makes it tough, but right now I'm just a point where I can't imagine actually waiting two months. This has really made me feel much better!

MNturnsVA · July 2015

You totally need to do what is best for you & DH. I like the previous comment about would your friend put their lives on hold for you? And being able to Skype during the ceremony if necessary? The other thing is, if they get upset that you get pregnant & are still able to be in the wedding, depending on timing,or can't be in the wedding & that alters their plans & they get upset, they maybe weren't the best of friends anyways. If they can't be supportive of your wants & goals & dreams too then whist kind if a friend were they? And also as just a side note, my little sister just was in her best friends wedding & had forgotten how much work, time, energy & $$ that came on her part of the commitment. Pregnancy or no pregnancy are you ready for that? And if you get pregnant, are you still going to be ok with that? She was so glad when the wedding was over! And she had to travel for showers, rehearsals, wedding. So are those commitments you are willing to make? And last but not least, and hopefully this will not be the case but actually conceiving can take a healthy couple one year. So all that said,I'd go for it.

wellinaustin · July 2015

Thanks girl! I'm totally on board with what you're saying. I appreciate the support from y'all!!

@PocketFullofShells and @mackenzie07 --hope it all works out for you too! I'll keep an eye out for your future BFPs!!

pat87 · July 2015

@wellinaustin I am really sorry for your loss.

I have exactly the same issue. One of my best friends is getting married on March 26th in PR. I am a bridesmaid, so I have to make sure I am able to be there. What I decided to do is wait until Oct to start trying. That way, if I were to get pregnant right away, the due date would be on July. I talked to her already so that she is aware of the whole situation and she is perfectly okay with everything. But yes... I wish I didn't have to wait!! I feel like I am wasting my time, since I know that getting pregnant is not that easy...But I am using this time to get healthier and ready.

If you really want to be there, you can wait... Otherwise, I wouldn't put my life on hold. Your friends should be able to understand. Good luck!!!!!

thycapa · July 2015

My friend asked me to be her MOH in her May 2016 wedding. I agreed, but was upfront about TTC to give her the courtesy of knowing. She was fine at first and then told me that either I needed to get pregnant right now or wait until after her wedding bc she can't have a MOH that "is ready to pop" in her bridal party. Now everytime we are together she pesters me if I'm pregnant yet. I'm thinking of stepping out of her wedding bc this is ridiculous. My point is, this is just an example of how I have to choose priorities and for me this is a big one right now. (I had to wait a few years bc of cancer and other health conditions which she knows so finally being cleared to get pregnant was a big deal for us ) My other point is that I WILL NOT stop TTC for her wedding and while I'll be so sad to not be there on her big day, finally being cleared to have a baby and possibly having one will be way more important and if she doesn't understand that then she wasn't as good of friend as I thought. I can't put off my family planning for someone else and wouldn't expect anyone else to. Also, I'm so sorry about your CP.

thycapa · July 2015

@PocketFullofShells thanks, wedding planning sure has brought out a side of her I have never seen before. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I have encountered this... i was in my best friends wedding a few years ago and she kicked her MOH out of the wedding for getting pregnant, bc she didn't want the attention taken off of herself as the bride and bc she didn't want to let her wear a different dress that would be a little easier to wear and alter on a pregnant woman. It's crazy how people think others should change their priorities to accommodate them!

Beegey33 · July 2015

I am doing the same thing. I have thought long and hard about this. I am in SIL's wedding next May. This coming cycle we will TTA and possibly the cycle after. I don't want to be due right around her wedding day because I do not want to miss the big day. SIL is a best friend to me and I would not miss it for the world. We might TTA the following month because I do not want to end up being 9 months standing up there with her.

I think it is a personal choice. I have been told a lot to not postpone anything because we cannot control when we get KU. In your case with flying, that is another thing to consider. You don't know if you are even going to be able to fly/travel far. There are a lot of unknowns with pregnancy. Some OBs don't want you flying after 7 months but be perfectly healthy, you could end up with high blood pressure issues and/or be on bed rest and not be able to get on a plane. You never know. You have to decide if TTC/a baby is higher in the wants list than going to a wedding.