I'm in tears from what my daughter said...

leesahrae · July 2015

so my almost 5 year old has been having some major anger issues lately. when she doesnt get something she wants, gets something taken away, or cant do anything. she gets so angry she will kick, scratch, or hit me, throw stuff, and just scream as loud as she can. she doesnt so this to my husband, only me. we have talked to her before about it and told her that if she hits mommy shes going to get a spanking. today she hit me after i took her treat away for not listening multiple times to what i told her. then she started screaming and screaming and screaming. she got a spanking for hitting me and was told to stay in her room until she calmed down. my husband was outside and i heard her crying and talking to herself in the room. i heard her say "mommys trying to kill me. daddys trying to kill me."... "they dont take care of me"..."mommy and daddy are trying to kill me" she said some other things but i wasnt close enough to her door to hear what she said.

is this normal? has anyone else had their child say something like this? im not sure what to think.... she only gets spanked when she hits or kicks.... am i doing something wrong? i feel like a terrible parent right now...

Designermomma · July 2015

My son only says "I hate you" or " I don't love you" when he's mad. We don't spank. We started a "chore chart" when he was having trouble in school hitting kids in class in daycare preschool. We had things like get dressed, go to school, take a bath, don't hit anyone etc. if he got all his checks for the day he got a reward we had tickets for 15 min. of Wii playing or a toy etc. As he got older we just take his iPad away and no tv or electronics are allowed if he does something bad and then we talk about why he did what he did and what he would do in the future after he calms down. Maybe try talking with her about things she can do when she is angry that are ok like punch a teddy bear or count to 10. Tell her is ok to be angry but it's not ok to hurt anyone.

neverblushed · July 2015

Short answer: Yes. It is pretty normal for kids who are 4 or 5 to show their anger and aggression by saying mean, hurtful, or extreme things, especially in situations where they think it might manipulate a parent. However, I also think you are mishandling some things with your daughter, and this is making it harder for both of you.

Longer answer: It seems like you need to develop a wider variety of parenting strategies or "tricks" that are more focused on rewarding positive behaviors and preventing big scenes like this from happening or escalating. You are relying a lot on yelling and spanking. I'm not particularly anti-spanking, but you've got to see how nonsensical it is to punish a child for hitting you by... hitting the child. Your words are saying "don't hit" but your actions are saying, "hey, if you don't like how someone is acting, just hit them until they stop!"

A great book that might really help you is Parenting With Love And Logic.

If parenting books aren't your thing, here are a few strategies that I use in my classroom (middle school) and in my home:

--give kids clear choices and make them aware of the consequences of their choices. Then let them choose and apply whatever consequence you've set. For example, when my kids were 4 or 5, sometimes they would fool around at bedtime. Instead of yelling, I would say, "If you want me to tuck you in, you need to be lying in bed and keeping still. You can either get in bed so I can tuck you in, or I'll just say goodnight and leave. It's up to you." Then if my kid didn't get in bed and settle down within a few seconds, I would say, "Okay, I can see that you just want me to say goodnight here at the door. Sleep tight. Love you," and walk out. If the child freaks out, you can either give them another chance or say "I'm sorry you're sad about the choice you made. Tomorrow night you'll make a better choice."

--Acknowledge that anger and frustration are normal feelings, but that hitting people is not okay. Little kids deal with anger by lashing out at the nearest person. You want to train her to go from hitting you to hitting a pillow, and from screaming to speaking her angry thoughts.

--Give yourself the gift of time and space. I have found as my kids became elementary school aged, that discipline situations got less frequent but more complicated. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to react to EVERY situation RIGHT NOW. I don't use formal time outs as a discipline tool, but sometimes I will say, "Whoah! This needs to stop. Everyone sit still and stop talking for a while and calm down. Then let's figure out what to do."

--Don't take your kids' actions and statements too personally. It's their job to challenge you and test your limits. I feel from your post that you are often letting yourself sink down to your daughter's level where you are just battling with her. Don't give her that much power. If she's being difficult, walk away and take some time to collect yourself and think of a reasonable plan. Then come back and deal with her from a position of power.

--Sometimes the most powerful tool a parent (or teacher) has is our attention. Withholding attention is surprisingly powerful for many kids. When my kids are being obnoxious, whiny, or annoying, I will often say something like, "The way you are talking right now is really bothering me. I can't talk to you when you're like this. Please get away from me until you are ready to be more reasonable." Then make the kid go away, or go away yourself. In my house this situation often comes up in the car, unfortunately. In that case, I turn the radio on and ignore the obnoxious kid until they get the point and stop it.

You can turn this around! Hang in there!

momtoRaegan041008 · September 2015

Yes. I'm no judging you for spanking, as I have caught myself before, but all it teaches your child is it is okay to hit. So when they hit you, you hit them back. It's okay for you to do it, but not for them? I am trying to break the cycle. I was spanked. I see my sister and brother do this to their children for every little thing. Again, I'm not judging. Sometimes we are all at our wits end with the day. When she hits, try instead, "I understand you are upset at me, but we do not hit people. If you are angry and need to hit something you may hit the pillow." Still allowing her to get the aggression out, but not hurting someone physically. My children are 7 and 4, and some days they just need to sit in their rooms by themselves for a few minutes to relax and cool down. Especially when school is in session.

2-Step · February 2016

I remember my favorite insult to my mom when I was a kid was "YOU HATE ME! YOU WISH I WAS NEVER BOOOORNNN" I think kids figure out what your weak spots are and try to find ways to work them to their advantage. I knew that my mom was sensitive and if she thought that I thought that she hated me that would hurt her more than if I told her I hate her. I was not spanked, nor was I an aggressive child or really had any discipline issues, but when I was in trouble I guess I figured that making her feel guilty was the best way to get back at her. I never actually thought she hated me. This might be a similar deal. Feeling sorry for themselves when they get in trouble is part of the process and part of immaturity is thinking or saying things that maybe seem like good revenge at the time, but don't let her manipulate your guilt for control. My mom would always just roll her eyes and say "you know i love you" and I did. Just don't let her manipulate you with guilt.

Have an honest and open conversation with her later when she is not upset. Tell her you heard her say that and you want to know if she really believes it because you and daddy would never hurt her and you love her very much. My guess is that she knows this and was playing it up in the heat of the moment.

lii08kehaulani18 · October 2018

Oh yes when my daughter was that age her thing was "im dying" and " your trying to kill me someone help me" screaming this at the top her lungs yelling! So i began to yell everything she yelled did exactly what she did as far as tantrums. My daughter stop doing and attempted to say how she feels

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