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January 2016 Moms
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Divorce Alcoholic hubby/abortion?

V2016J1V2016J1 member
in January 2016 Moms
Hi I'm first time mom, 16 weeks pregnant - my husband has fallen off the boat again (he was tame when we got pregnant for a few months). I blame myself for marrying him and getting pregnant now. He won't stop binge drinking every 3-4 nights. His work and marriage are suffering. He had had an arrest for drunk in public and 2 DUI. Somehow he is a lawyer. He doesn't think he has a problem and refuses to get help. I am considering legal separation or divorce. Please do not judge me - I have thought at moments about abortion, the baby would not be viable. I don't want to complicate our marriage and I hope that my child has two parents. At the same time I have become attached to my baby girl....

What would you do? I thank you so much in advance for any help or advice.
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Re: Divorce Alcoholic hubby/abortion?

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  • V2016J1V2016J1 member
    I appreciate all your help esp those who did not judge. I understand that it is a heavy subject. A woman has a right to choose esp in circumstances such as this. All of your advice is invaluable.
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  • V2016J1V2016J1 member
    Thank you - I have strongly considered keeping the baby bc I have always wanted to be a mom. I most likely would not get an abortion but wanted to get advice on this.
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  • MamabeagleMamabeagle member
    I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I will just say all the things you're thinking, I'm thinking. It's an unfortunate situation to be in and I wish you luck.
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  • QueenCarlissaQueenCarlissa member
    I say separate yourself from the situation I would say to not get rid of your child because of the way your marriage is going I look at babies as gifts from God they were placed upon you for a reason now to get rid of that idk it's on you. You can do it as a single parent I was raised by a single parent your situation sounds a lot like my moms idk if you have a good job but my mom did and was able to move her kids this happened when she was pregnant with me as well she got her own place my brothers remained in private school she didn't divorce until one huge argument which sad to say I witnessed at the age of five. My dad wasn't always there he didn't pay my mom child support really she did it all on her own and he hates the fact that she didn't fall on her face. Our bills were always paid. . . Long story short with just my mom being there was perfectly fine with me. Our relationship was strained as a teenager but I'm a girl what relationship doesn't do that but now that I'm about to have a baby of my own we have a stronger relationship than ever. And she is a reason why I tell my SO (even though our relationship is perfectly fine) if I have to I can raise my kid alone and be perfectly fine I was brought up by an independent woman I've always made my own money even through high school yeah it'll be easier on baby with both parents but if you wanna act up it won't take me long at all to leave I have another life to think about. You can separate yourself and see if he gets his act together if not just serve him the divorce papers.
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  • MamaGooGooMamaGooGoo member
    I'm not one that gets riled up or offended easily, but posting this and asking if you should get an abortion? On a BIRTH MONTH board?? Seriously? Did you actually expect anyone to say, yeah, you know what, if your husband is having alcohol addiction issues then you should probably get an abortion. Geez. With that being said, you need to do what is best for you and your baby. It is horribly unhealthy to raise a child in an environment where the dad is drunk and not in his right mind. I suggest moving out, hopefully temporarily, until he can show and prove to you that he can stay sober.
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  • SovvySovvy member
    Lljbean said:
    I am very pro-choice IRL and even I am sucking air through my teeth at this. If this isnt MUD, then I am really sorry for your situation, but discussions like that need to be had with your close friends and family. People that can actually be there for you in such a tough time. Aside from offending a lot of women on here, the last thing you need is the stress of internet folks getting upset at you, too. Good luck with everything. I hope it works out in whatever way is best for you. 
    This. I am as pro-life as they get, I strongly considered an abortion when my first daughter was diagnosed with a fatal disorder. I am not anti-abortion. Please go talk to someone in your life who can offer you true advice. 
    image

    pregnancy #1 :: daughter lost to chromosomal abnormality at 18 weeks
    pregnancy #2 :: son, born Aug 2011
    pregnancy #3 :: due Jan 2016
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  • MelissaA225MelissaA225 member
    I agree with @MrsB915 there are many options for you and your baby besides abortion. Have you and your husband considered seeing someone for counseling? If you feel that his alcoholism is creating an unsafe environment for you and your baby, then you need to get out, but make sure that the choices you make will be the best for you AND your daughter.
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  • V2016J1V2016J1 member
    Thanks to those who were supportive. Great advice that I will definitely use and I fee thankful I can get advice from women like you who are in the same stage of their pregnancy.

    I think it is insulting to call this MUD. We all have our suffering whether it be infertility or a husband who makes you feel like life is not worth living.

    As you probably could guess I am quite desperate. I agree this is not the right forum. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

    I will leave the forum now.
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  • karynste19karynste19 member
    edited July 2015
    As an adopted child I don't know why you aren't considering this option. I'm very pro-choice but given your situation if you're debating between an unhealthy marriage and a healthy child an abortion just doesn't make any sense.

    Edited for issues...
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  • Jamilla9Jamilla9 member
    DaphneMoon1 said:

    I understand you're scared and in a rough spot. I'd really consider getting into counseling ASAP. Definitely for yourself and hopefully as a couple.

    Unfortunately you can't make anyone stop drinking. They have to make that decision themselves. I'm not sure any amount of threatening, crying, begging is going to change much. I'm sure you already know that. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It has to be frustrating.

    You need to make a decision about this pregnancy very quickly. Most states have laws against preforming them after 20 weeks. My inclination from your post is that you want to keep the baby, but you are scared. Do not make an emotional decision. There are plenty of programs that help single mothers and you can figure this out on your own if it comes to that.

    If you decided to divorce and keep the baby, you need to lawyer up. That way you can get child support quickly and custody rolling right away.

    Planned parenthood is a great resource for single mothers trying to make ends meet and restart their life. That's a good place to start.

    Good luck.

    This. All of it.

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  • reishiareishia member
    Wow....well one I hope your husband gets the help he needs. I would never end my child's life because of decisions somebody else decides to make with their own life. If you husband wants to change he will for himself...you or the baby unfortunately can't help him in making that decision. Once we found out we were expecting everything was about my unborn child and I will do anything to protect him/her. My advice is to be separated for a while see what happens. Seems like you def need to remove yourself from such a toxic environment. If you have always wanted to be a mom then be a mom you don't need him to do that. Maybe he will come around maybe he won't but at the end of the day you will know you did the best for you and your daughter and she will always have you no matter what. Show her as a woman you don't need a man to survive! We might want them but sure as hell don't NEED them! Good luck Hun!
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  • LauraFiLauraFi member
    @V2016J1 have you talked to your husband about going to couples councilling? Or talked to any of his family members about his alcohol abuse? If he was in AA before does he have a sponsor? It can be hard for people to admit they have a problem and accept help so if he hasn't heard it already it may help him realize if other people talk to him about it too. I. Sorry that you are going through this. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Telling him that you can't imagine starting a family in the current home environment may make him realize the impact of his actions. Just know that you are strong enough to do this on your own, many women do, and if your husband can't get his act together you don't need him pulling you and your daughter down.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • Knottie1452445632Knottie1452445632 member
    I'm sorry but I have to agree with others on this post. Wrong audience.
    That said I will offer some advice - My sister worked for a charity which helped women in need of desperate counselling as they had an unplanned pregnancy, many were poor, unmarried, didn't know who the father was, raped, abusive relationships etc. The majority of the women she saw chose to keep their baby despite these truly awful situations (sorry to say far worse than yours - although I know you probably don't feel that way) and they are doing fine. Sadly the few who did go on to have an abortion needed way more cancelling afterwards due to depression & attempted suicide than those who didn't. You can never wipe out a life and just forget it never existed, they will always be a part of you. You will never forget and can never really move on (sorry if that sounds harsh but my sister has seen it over and over)! She also said the majority go on to try and have another child to in some way replace the one they chose to abort but it never really works - it's cannot be undone. Most are never truly happy again (harsh but you should know the facts). Parenting is never easy even if your circumstances are perfect (Very rare - I know my circumstances are far from perfect and we have struggled financially and emotionally which each pregnancy) and I know I should say abortion is a personal decision but I'm sorry I just can't - I don't think any of us have the right to "play God" in ending a life, especially so when we have made a decision to start one! I don't think badly of you I just think you in a dark and desperate place ATM where pregnancy can't be helping you but your baby is alive and is a part of you. As for your husband - try and help him (even if that's just giving him space to sort things out for himself in the first instance) but first and foremost sort yourself out first - after all it's not just for you its for your baby too. Get counselling, surround yourself with family and friends and get better. On a personal note after my second child I fell pregnant at this time I was deep in dark depression (relationship, finances & job were uncertain and I was a young mum & I wasnt coping emotionally) somehow I got through. I too at this time "thought" of an abortion but then (thank goodness) it dawned on me the alternative - living day to day with the knowledge that I killed my child - seeing other babies or children the same age as my dead baby in the streets or shops and imagining what could have been. That would haunt me forever and I honestly believed I could have gone as far as attempting suicide (this mirrors what my sister said of the women she saw in her crisis centre). Unfortunately (or I suppose fortunately) I miscarried that baby at about 8 weeks probably down to the stress of it all). I felt awful for months after but thank goodness it was out of my control and truely gods decision. I'm not very churchy but believe what is meant to be, will be. Your baby is here because she is meant to be - embrace her life and your will be rewarded forever. Good luck and God bless xxx
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  • Knottie1452445632Knottie1452445632 member
    This
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  • mg137mg137 member
    Paige6410 said:

    SummerOH said:

    I'm sorry, but I 100% believe this is MUD, and cruel drama at that. What kind of person goes on a BMB for wanted pregnancies and talks about aborting her baby since her relationship isn't working? There are plenty of places where she can get counseling and help for free IRL. Coming on here and spewing this nonsense to us is just awful.

    Couldn't have said it better.

    ETA: At 16 weeks they will refuse to abort unless you are in mortal danger or your baby has serious defects. Double mud.
    This isn't true. 16 weeks is viable, so constitutionally, states can't put unreasonable burdens on mothers wanting abortions this early. Individual clinics and dr offices can refuse, of course.
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  • mg137mg137 member
    vvitchhazel said:

    Can we just let this thread die already? OP clearly said she was leaving and it's probably not the type a thing most of us want a blazing reminder of on the front page. Let it fade.

    Oops. Sorry. Responded before seeing this. Totally agree.
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  • MommaB16MommaB16 member
    Babies don't need two parents. Of course it's nice, and it's stereo-typical but they don't need it. Nothing with be wrong with a child with one parent. Women are strong as hell, we can do anything. With or with our support.

    Your baby will bring you joy and happiness, and you too, will bring your baby joy and happiness, and yes you can do it alone.

    You should be happy, and that should be a separate conversation from keeping your baby. I don't think anyone should stay married that believes their marriage is beyond repair. As I've gotten older I've seen so many marriages stay legally married, but the couple is no longer a family and it just bums me out. I like happiness :) and happiness looks like a lot of different things. So choose happiness.

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  • jgregory0215jgregory0215 member
    I had an alcoholic father. My mom new he was when she married him & when she got pregnant with me.. She thought it would change him & it didn't. They got a divorce when I was a young child because it just seemed to get worse over the years. I didn't notice it until I was a little older & she let me stay with him when I was 11. I finally understood. I called her at 2am to come get me & I didn't talk to my dad much until I was pregnant with my first son 3 years ago. He is now in his late 40s and has FINALLY settled down. He is an amazing grandpa. He apologizes ALL the time for walking out on me & promised to do things different with my kids if I gave him the chance, so I did. We are so close now. My mom & I are best friends & have always been. I asked my mom is she ever considered abortion and she did, but she said she went to see someone, a professional, someone who could give her hope. She struggled until she met my step dad around the time I was 12. He was an amazing role model for me... I had never seen someone treat a woman with so much respect. You need to do what's best for YOU. Just remember, if you keep this baby, she will always love you no matter what!
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