Anyone else have a strong willed toddler and tips to save my sanity?

moonpie28 · July 2015

my ds #1 is 4. He seriously is so independent and strong willed and I love him for it. Lately however it's a little extreme. He will. Not. Listen. Consequences like lost privileges, physical chores, time out and even spanking do not phase him. ( no I don't spank on a regular basis) so, what's worked for your strong willed child. Even daycare is frustrated and he's usually a saint there... Please help!

willashbaby · July 2015

What is the root behavior? I'm actually a behavior consultant and teacher for children with Autism, all behavior serves a function. You need to track the direct antecedent (what happened right before like a demand or end of an activity) the behavior (exactly his response) and lastly the consequence (the immediate result of his behavior) then I could give more info.

moonpie28 · July 2015

He just doesn't listen. To Anything. Pick up the toys, don't jump in the lake etc. When you ask why it's "because I wanted to." Tonight we left fishing as a consequence. I work with behaviors to. Though in adults. I just can't seem to make it work for him.

moonpie28 · July 2015

We wonder if there's a change at daycare that's a root cause. Our provider is going through cancer treatment so...

willashbaby · July 2015

Maybe switching to a positive behavior support strategy would be more effective than a punishment strategy. Having him work for something rather than lose something if he doesn't work.

Emott13 · July 2015

At some point in every child's life they start to push boundaries just to see where they are. Keep firm rules, set consequences for actions. Have the daycare implement them, as well. Many kids I see in day care act out because they know that their parents' rules and the corresponding punishment do not apply there. When you show consistent discipline, they learn "action A has consequence B" and thus action A becomes undesirable. Same as pp, it's hard to tell without seeing/knowing your child, but that's what it sounds like to me. "Because I wanted to" sounds like te response of a kid who is trying to gauge your reaction to his misbehavior.

moonpie28 · July 2015

I brought up using a sticker chart with dc provider on Friday after she basically told me I have a devil child. She said "why should I have to give him a reward for doing something I expect the others to do anyway." We have used this in the past to get through things like not going to bed and it worked. I haven't had success with using for listening or not being sassy. Maybe if I shorten the time period to like morning and afternoon...

Any suggestions for reward that are "things" we have so much crap...

I'm actually thinking of switching dc over this. We have been there 3 yrs and it's been great. But something is off now. Given my choice I would like to be a sahm but have to figure out the finances. I think the consistency would be good for him

Edit typo

mg137 · July 2015

No advice because my girls are 15 months but I thought it might make you feel better. One of my babies threw a giant tantrum. Because I gave her a flax cracker. Immediately after she asked for a flax cracker. I literally handed her the cracker she was looking at when she asked for it. And she totally lost it.

mamaksweez · July 2015

@moonpie28 We make everyday things rewards.
Rewards that aren't things:
- go to the zoo
- have a treat, like ice cream
- 30min of daddy time (or whoever toddler doesn't see as much - grandma, etc.)
- toddler gets his favorite meal for dinner
- have a splash day in the yard and invite a friend
- extra stories before bed
- etc. etc.

holocene · July 2015

I just wanted to stay that I could have written this post. My oldest is 4 and we are struggling so, so much with listening and whining. We recently did a massive move and I know that's contributing. I clearly have no advice as I'm in the same boat, but I just wanted to pop in and say that you're not alone.

moonpie28 · July 2015

Thanks @holocene. It helps. I was pretty sure I was the worst mother ever after dc lectured me.

missperky · July 2015

Yikes it sounds like you are definitely trying different strategies, which is great! Have you ever heard of Love and Logic? I use it in my classroom, but they have a whole series for toddlers. So of the main concepts behind it is giving children choices you can live with so they feel empowered to make their own decisions and also giving logical consequences for actions. So for example you give many little choices through out the day so that when you can live with. There is also a different way of using language with kiddos, by using empathy like, "Oh bummer! You jumped in the lake and now you're all wet. That's so sad.I bet you feel a little cold now. We're going home to get you dry clothes." I could go on forever about Love and Logic, but I don't want to write a novel, especially if you're already familiar with it. Feel free to PM me or google Love and Logic.

If you do go with the sticker chart I totally agree with @mamaksweez no tangible rewards. And doing a AM and PM chart is a great idea.

If your daycare cannot support your parenting choices with something as simple as a sticker chart I would dump them asap. As child care professionals they should know how to handle all sorts of behavior.

I hope some of that helps and you find something that works for your kiddo.

Emott13 · July 2015

I know many people love and suggest the reward-over-punishment strategy, but I have to say I agree with dc on this one. I have seen it backfire so badly... Kids start to expect a reward for EVERYTHING. Hey I colored with crayons on the paper, not the wall, what do I get for it? And when they aren't offered a reward, they rebel even worse. That tactic I find usually works best with kids who are mild-mannered and calm to begin with, but have trouble "remembering" to do their chores. Using it as a bargaining chip, as your dc said, for things that he should simply be expected to do at his age, can exacerbate the problem instead of fixing it.

MLevin324 · July 2015

Seriously could have written this myself! My son is 4 1/2 and the last six months have been torture. I am a special Ed teacher who specializes in behavior mod and I am having the same problems! I did read Love and Logic for toddlers (as it is what helps me in my middle school classroom as well.) It made a big improvement but 4 is hard! The last thing I want to do is squash my sons spirit and at 4 independence isn't ideal but that attitude will make him successful in the future. A lot of things I get phone calls about behaviorally are traits that I see in myself or husband that make us good at our job or successful in the real world. So don't kill yourself trying to make a square peg fit in a circle hole.

Your dc is just a dc not your child's parents. They should not give their opinion on how you parent your child! If you feel positive reinforcement is how he responds best then you are the mom and know best! If they take that attitude the two different views are clearly confusing your child which could be contributing to the behaviors. Positive reinforcement is not the worst thing in the world. My child does not respond to neg threats either. I agree that it's something that needs limits. Start with small time intervals and then once you're getting the desired behaviors start extending time. When you start noticing the action being done specifically for some sort of reward, start tweaking and talking about the intrinsic benefits of feeling proud etc.

I have a bunch of answers and I still struggle and stress with my son everyday!!!!! If we just let them know we love them no matter what and stay firm and consistent eventually they will realize their boundaries.

Want a personalized experience?

Anyone else have a strong willed toddler and tips to save my sanity?

Re: Anyone else have a strong willed toddler and tips to save my sanity?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards