Cruel to SIL to do gender reveal party? - Page 2 — The Bump
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Cruel to SIL to do gender reveal party?

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Re: Cruel to SIL to do gender reveal party?

  • Hiding behind an alias, not knowing a person and "because..... Internet" are not reasons to bully or cruely tell a mom the celecelebrations she wants are stupid. Especially when she didnt ask. Its just mean and classless.

    To the poster, have one with friends instead?! Don't invite family. Just tell them. And celebrate with those who can be happy for you. I have had to compromise alot when it came to other important mile stones, including making the wedding about everyone else except DH and I. I'm in your same boat. So I understand, but I am not unsympathetic to your SIL, as I love mine. I just say this could be your last shot to do it how YOU want. No regrets. So invite friends instead!

    Nothing that has been posted in this thread meets the definition of bullying. Stop throwing buzzwords around and diminishing the experiences of the victims of actual bullies.

    Telling someone what to do, how to feel, demonizing them and deminshing their, feelings, and blatently judging them especially when they didn't ask for it is a form of bullying. I am a surviror of bullying I should know.

    We are adults, and should act like it. I fear for the children raised by people who hold no principles and just say "I don't know you so I am going to say whatever I want and be blunt because... blah blah blah INTERNET." It's cyber bullying, plain and simple.

    We are all moms from verying backgrounds and should be respectful of one another, learn from each other. Not tear each other down.
    emjeve
  • kabnpauj said:

    kabnpauj said:

    As a person who struggled with infertility for 6 years, I understand where your sil is coming from. I dont express my feelings when one of my friend or family gets pregnant, but it hurt me inside deeply. I'm happy for them and ask them to send me baby dust. Now that I'm finally pregnant after 2 failed iui and 1 successful ivf, i always encourage my friends who are still struggling and always tell them I'll send them lots of baby dust. I'm very considerate of their feelings. I didn't make any big announcement of my pregnancy at all. I wouldn't have a party if I were you.

    Please don't use the term "baby dust". It's offensive to Loss Moms with cremated infants.
    Oh my goodness, I didn't know it refers to loss moms? I thought it was a good luck to women who are ttc...like sprinkles with magic dust. This term was used a lot in the infertility group I'm in. I'm sorry if I offended anyone in here with the term.
    I am aware it's not used with malicious intent & is supposed to be a good luck wish, but it's common to TB culture to avoid it out of respect for The Loss Community.


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  • She can still be just as joyous about this pregnancy without having a needless, frivolous party that will, with all likelihood, cause her SIL pain.

    Needless and frivolous to you. You can't please everyone and you shouldn't try to. Her pregnancy and how she chooses to celebrate it has nothing to do with her SIL situation, or what we Internet people think is stupid. The mere existence of this pregnancy is probably painful so any way you look at it anything baby related is going to be a trigger. Is OP supposed to walk on eggshells for the rest of her life if her SIL never gets pregnant? If the SIL feels she can't participate for whatever reason that's her choice to make and OP/family can be supportive in other ways. You can be sensitive but don't feel badly and diminish your joy about a situation you have no control over.

    emjevedoozer1345
  • We are going to have to agree to disagree. Maybe where you live gender reveals and showers are two events but anyone I knew who had a gender reveal that was the theme of their shower. For the record I think both, and most of the stuff new mom's are into, are stupid but to each their own.

    If this is something OP always wanted to do, let her do it. SIL doesn't have a monopoly on gender reveals so she can't be mad at OP unless she stole her ideas. Anything baby related is going to be painful, not just this. I think maternity photos are more hurtful than a party because they flaunt the pregnancy but that my opinion.

    I kinda know where OP is coming from bc when I was expecting my first (who was a surprise) one of my best friends has been struggling to conceive for 6 years. I didn't share the day to day details with her bc that's too much but I still celebrated the pregnancy the way I envisioned it. She knew that she didn't have to participate if she didn't want to and I understood. Her feelings were hurt not because I had a shower but because I was pregnant - her words. I have no control over that but I did what I could to minimize those hurt feelings. She wanted me to do baby things bc she couldn't and felt it would be selfish to ask me not to because of her situation.

    I'm now pregnant with #2 and while I'm not having any celebrations there's still feelings bc she's still trying and I seem to get pregnant whenever hubs looks at me. I can't help or control that. The mere existence of the baby is an issue and not having the party that OP always wanted to isn't going to change that.

    OP - go with your heart. If this is something you always wanted to do have the party.
  • We are going to have to agree to disagree. Maybe where you live gender reveals and showers are two events but anyone I knew who had a gender reveal that was the theme of their shower. For the record I think both, and most of the stuff new mom's are into, are stupid but to each their own. If this is something OP always wanted to do, let her do it. SIL doesn't have a monopoly on gender reveals so she can't be mad at OP unless she stole her ideas. Anything baby related is going to be painful, not just this. I think maternity photos are more hurtful than a party because they flaunt the pregnancy but that my opinion. I kinda know where OP is coming from bc when I was expecting my first (who was a surprise) one of my best friends has been struggling to conceive for 6 years. I didn't share the day to day details with her bc that's too much but I still celebrated the pregnancy the way I envisioned it. She knew that she didn't have to participate if she didn't want to and I understood. Her feelings were hurt not because I had a shower but because I was pregnant - her words. I have no control over that but I did what I could to minimize those hurt feelings. She wanted me to do baby things bc she couldn't and felt it would be selfish to ask me not to because of her situation. I'm now pregnant with #2 and while I'm not having any celebrations there's still feelings bc she's still trying and I seem to get pregnant whenever hubs looks at me. I can't help or control that. The mere existence of the baby is an issue and not having the party that OP always wanted to isn't going to change that. OP - go with your heart. If this is something you always wanted to do have the party.
    Since these silly and frivolous parties are relatively new in the grand scheme of things, I doubt it's something the OP has "always" wanted. Do people actually sit around dreaming of their perfect gender reveal? Lord I hope not. That' would just be further proof that people's priorities and society as a whole is headed straight down the toilet.

    Read the original post - "I had a miscarriage back in December and this is our very much tried for rainbow baby. I really want to get to enjoy this pregnancy and do some of things I didn't get to do the last times cuz my SIL and MIL made it impossible.I really want to do a gender reveal this time" Semantics (always vs really want), but she wanted to do it before and didn't because of SIL. She has the opportunity now and I hope she does it. Priorities and society have been screwed fo a long time so you might as well enjoy your life as it continues its downward spiral.
  • Vets1 said:

    You have to do what's right for you but talk to her & say you'd like to do one. I lost my son (stillborn) & 4 weeks later went to my SIL gender reveal it was really tough but you suck it up for family because they are important. My Brother & SIL both said they understood if I couldn't go or wanted to leave early. I'm not going to lie it was tough but it was about them in that moment & my niece. So moral of the story do what you want but be sensitive to her struggles.
    Not sure that helps!

    I've had multiple losses and would not be offended by family or friends who went ahead and celebrated their baby in this way. Difficult like said above, yes, but every baby is a miracle and precious and every pregnancy is a gift so celebrate!!
    ashhsamariposa08FunnyGal18emjeve
  • ashhsaashhsa member
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    It is true that you can't please everyone. Either you are going to be unhappy or she is, the question is to you is your happiness more important to you than hers? Or will you put her comfort above your own desires? Only you know what you will feel better doing.
    Maybe an alternative idea could be rather than a party do a little "gender reveal photo shoot " that might be less difficult for her as she won't have to spend the whole day pretending to cope, and rather than just putting it on Facebook to shock her, perhaps let her know first? That way you get your moment still. You could even film a little Instagram video clip or something of popping blue/pink streamers.

    And although you have said you are not interest in opinions, We don't do gender reveal parties where I'm from. I'm not opposed to them however, I personally am not into it. This little one is going to have so many milestones for you to celebrate in years to come.
  • I suffered with infertility for five years (it's in my signature). With that said when I found out in May that I conceived naturally not only was I over the moon, but also horrified because I was and still am friends with women on and off line that struggle with infertility. These are women who've been trying longer than I with devoted husbands and here I am newly single, living at home with my parents. 

    However with all that said all women are entitled to enjoy their pregnancy. Who knows if your SIL will hold back once she gets pregnant herself. You shouldn't have to mute your excitement because of what she's going through because there are ways to comfort her while also taking care of yourself and your true desires. I say have the gender party and let her know in advance that you're throwing one because of the loss you had in the past.
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  • irsikbirsikb member
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    I was going to ask a question in a separate thread...but after reading this, I'm scared to ask anything. Good job scaring the first time mommy ladies.

    However, I think you should do what you think is right for your situation. Down deep, I believe you know what's right for your relationship with your family while still enjoying your pregnancy. Will you still be able to enjoy it if you do have the party, or will you be watching her every move the whole time?

    Have you actually spoken to her and do you know what her real feelings are? Will Christmas be weird? Will this strain your relationship? Will this put stress between your husband and his family? If she does get pregnant and has a party, will it hurt your feelings if you don't have one now? These are questions you should be asking yourself, your husband, and her.

    It's amazing how people react if you just acknowledge them and what they are going through, she will probably be a lot more supportive than you think as long as she knows that you are thinking of her and want to be respectful of her feelings. I'm sure she doesn't want to make you feel like this, and in my experience, that usually makes people feel worse, when they are the reason somebody else isn't happy.

    Give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she loves you and wants you to be happy, just be respectful and express to her that you are thinking of her feelings and want this to be an awesome occasion/announcement for the whole family.
    maiateneGOOCMELemjeve
  • You know what... maybe waiting to reveal your child's sex at your baby shower is a better idea? It is 1 less party, and if you are having a shower anyway, that may be a better place to reveal this. Also, by then, maybe she will have gotten used to the idea of you having a baby? I'm only suggesting this to help you find a happy compromise, where you can be happy and she can be given time to be okay with this. But honestly, maybe just having a conversation with her about your pregnancy and the things you would like to do, and asking HER how she would like to participate in it all would be best. Giving her the option to choose her level of participation in advance could really help the both of you. And again, she'd have some time to sort her feelings possibly. I just don't want you to ruin a relationship over this, nor do I want you to feel sad you are missing out on things that you want to do. So the best suggestion that I can think of us to sit down with her over some food, at your house perhaps, and tell  her your plans and to just let her know you are telling her because you wanted to know how to navigate this without hurting her feelings if you could help it. I'm sure the convo won't be easy, but she may appreciate the consideration in the long run. 
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  • ashhsaashhsa member
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    @jonesy288 that's a good idea. If she really has to do it, why not combine the baby shower and gender reveal so there are not too manny events!
  • @ashhsa yeah and just having a convo may help her too. It isn't worth the drama and damaging a relationship. 
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  • @irsikb I must say that was one of the most eloquent responses and explanations on this topic that I've come across. I like how you framed your points and how they aren't attacking or rude. Also, I think your solution is great. But on the other hand, I think someone with your eloquence is needed on these boards. It adds a breath of fresh air and honestly, you can have a lot to add to the community and to take away from what the rest of us have to share. I think before just leaving the site, maybe you lurk around some more and participate as a poster some more. I know for me it made a difference. But that's my 2 cents. 


    OP sorry for entertaining the tangent. BTW I still think you should have a sit down with your SIL and then have your party. 
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  • maiatene said:
    She can still be just as joyous about this pregnancy without having a needless, frivolous party that will, with all likelihood, cause her SIL pain.
    Needless and frivolous to you. You can't please everyone and you shouldn't try to. Her pregnancy and how she chooses to celebrate it has nothing to do with her SIL situation, or what we Internet people think is stupid. The mere existence of this pregnancy is probably painful so any way you look at it anything baby related is going to be a trigger. Is OP supposed to walk on eggshells for the rest of her life if her SIL never gets pregnant? If the SIL feels she can't participate for whatever reason that's her choice to make and OP/family can be supportive in other ways. You can be sensitive but don't feel badly and diminish your joy about a situation you have no control over.



    The bolded is key here.  I will note that yes, family and friends will be happy and excited for you and your pregnancy.  However, it doesn't mean they need or want to be involved in any or every aspect of it or even care about it as much as the parents-to-be.

    OP is free to celebrate her pregnancy but it doesn't mean she has to involve everyone else in it.  By throwing a gender reveal, she is pretty much forcing others to be involved when it should really just be about her and her DH.  

    Not every single aspect of pregnancy needs to be celebrated and if OP wants to find ways to celebrate, she can do so in a way that won't involve other people and causing unncessary pain.
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  • irsikbirsikb member
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    @BrooklynBroussard You're absolutely right, I shouldn't have responded or said anything and I should have just scrolled on past. In no way has this effected my daily life.

    I would not consider my response an implosion so much as a thoughtful answer to the question of why I feel the way I do, but you're right I shouldn't have engaged in the conversation or mentioned my feelings on an unrelated topic.

    OP, I still believe that you should feel your sil out on the topic. If it's important to you then hopefully she will supportive of your feelings as well, and if not, than you can make the decision as to how important this party is to you and your husband.
  • We just had our party this past weekend and it was a blast! I really enjoy the gender reveal parties because they are way less materialistic than baby showers. This is our third baby, also 3 miscarriages, so any reason for a celebration is awesome. It's about the memories, suspense, etc. My two best friends were in attendance, one the godmother of both my kids and the other one just as close. We all found out we were pregnant and due on the same days. Unfortunately, They both miscarried early on. We got through it together as friends, almost family. Both of them were so excited and actually wanted to throw the party. They were there for me when I miscarried the last time. It depends on your bond and connection. You're not being cruel for having a party. People have to deal with life and loss all the time, you can't stop living every time something bad happens to yourself or someone you know.
    FunnyGal18emjeveadifrog
  • Don't be sorry baby dust is used in all the apps I have been on and yes it refers to good luck. Not trying to offend you and it is unfortunate you lost you're baby but you can't tell people what to do . I've seen baby dust used countless times and maybe if it hurts too much you should refrain from using these apps.
    kitteh81
  • Don't be sorry baby dust is used in all the apps I have been on and yes it refers to good luck. Not trying to offend you and it is unfortunate you lost you're baby but you can't tell people what to do . I've seen baby dust used countless times and maybe if it hurts too much you should refrain from using these apps.
    Is it totes cool to dig up three week old threads on those other apps too, cause here it's pretty AW to dig up a dead thread to add your own two cents.
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  • Could you just ask her?
  • irsikb said:

    @Jessie42613 @PrimRoseMama
    Thank you. First, this thread isn't about that, so I apologize to the originator for pirating this conversation.

    As a first time mom, I'm sure we don't have the same experiences, life history and thought processes. I'm also sure we don't see "brutal honesty" the same, you don't know me, but thank you for telling me.

    We aren't friends, nobody has earned the right to talk to me like I'm an idiot or that there's something wrong with me because I don't want life advice from Internet strangers, and I won't allow myself to be talked to that way without speaking up for myself. Internet anonymity isn't a badge to be a jerk. We are all real people on the other end. Maybe I am a 15 year old girl who doesn't know how a bank account works, you have no idea.

    I'm also sure that it was completely necessary to inform me that my own feelings are not valid because they aren't the same as yours and therefore I need to "harden up" I should just accept what people say, because hey, it could be worse.

    I mean, it's the Internet...that's just how it works, if you don't like it you just have to accept it because you asked the question.

    I'm choosing to not ask questions on here, how does this impact you in any way? I don't see how not being comfortable in this forum to ask personal questions is an over reaction. I am simply not comfortable with it due to the responses I have read previously on this thread and others. None of what I said was an attack on either of you ladies, I don't know you.

    I don't want or need your opinion/thoughts, so I just won't ask you.

    This girl wants to throw a party and has been basically told she's a terrible person by some. I think that's ridiculous...and the way some people talk on here is extremely disrespectful, and I also think that's ridiculous. So my over reaction is to not invite what I see as ridiculousness into my personal and sensitive life topics.

    I'm too soft, too soft to let other people tell me if I'm a good or bad person over something like a gender reveal party. Good lord, I can't imagine if I wanted to discuss something as big as breastfeeding, sexual issues or co-sleeping.

    Who needs that? Who has time for that?

    Well, bless your heart...

    I feel it was perfectly respectful to you & this response is-- well, not at all respectful or a positive contribution to the community at all.

    I was simply curious as to your point of view. It doesn't mean anything to me if you choose to get your support elsewhere. I'm not sure your negative attitude towards a polite question is necessary or productive. I disagreed with you about anything being "scary". That doesn't make me a jerk. It means I disagreed.

    I think you have a lot of social development to do, dear. I see a lot of immaturity & insecurity in your response. Again, you don't know me-- but I can very easily judge the quality of your character by your little tantrum here. Let's just say it's-- wanting....

    It's alright though, I've made a resolution to never commit to a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

    #byefelicia


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  • bizzerbeebizzerbee member
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    edited August 2015
    @BrooklynBroussard
    "People really shouldn't let the Internet upset them so much"

    Would this be your response to a parent that lost a child to cyber bullying? Or even to your own child who might one day be cyber bullied? And before you get your panties in a twist I am not talking about cyber bullying because I believe that is what is happening on this thread I just can't believe someone who lives in today's society could actually make a claim that things said on the Internet can't actually be hurtful or harmful. Or dimish some of the terrible things that have resulted in what people have said behind the protection of the Internet.
  • 4N6s4N6s member
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    I think you should do what you want to do and do what makes you happy. No regrets.
  • Not to be cruel but you didn't cause her fertility issues. You can feel terrible for her all day long, but continuing to not enjoy your pregnancy is not going to make it easier for her that she cannot have children. Your joy should not be sapped in my opinion. There is a way to be delicate, but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your own joy. Just my two cents  
    kqualls5
  • ashhsa said:
    @jonesy288 that's a good idea. If she really has to do it, why not combine the baby shower and gender reveal so there are not too manny events!
    Because a baby shower is a gift and it's tacky-tastic to throw your own baby shower and/or dictate that you want your baby shower combined with a "gender" reveal?
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  • If you want to do a gender reveal I don't think it is cruel. It is not your fault for your SIL's situation. It is thoughtful of you to think of her feelings but don't forget it is your pregnancy and you should be able to enjoy and do all the things you imagined. If a gender reveal is what you want then do it. However, I would not rub it in her face or always talk about it when she is around. 
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